Tilted sky, p.12
Tilted Sky, page 12
How would he know? The kind of future that he was talking about could not have been more distant for me. Besides, it wasn’t the kind of path in life I was interested in. I mean, how many people are actually interested in grabbing the moon?
I was becoming warier of hearing people say that I’m resilient, that I can survive the toughest situations, etc. If a kid had an absent mom and a dad who kept playing a game of disappearance—and that kid didn’t want to starve to death or kill himself—then they would find ways to stay alive. If you call this “survival skills” and “resilience,” then I guess I’m lucky enough to have been given the keys to activating these special powers. I believed that deep inside, everyone had the potential for such powers, but most people just don’t get the chance to activate them.
I had already learned from the incident with my aunt that some other powers and potential were lying dormant within me, slowly waking up. And they could take me down a very risky, dangerous path. I didn’t want to take that kind of risk, nor become that kind of person. I’m a timid and cowardly guy with no great ambitions. All I wanted was my own warm bed to sleep in and a table to dine on.
I picked up a few of the Braille magazines like the one the groom was reading. I moved my fingers over the columns of tiny dots and asked, “Would you rather have an apprentice who can see or one who is blind?”
“If I were to take on an apprentice, I think I’d probably prefer someone like me. There are many other things a person with full vision can learn. They don’t have to come compete with us.”
“What if I blinded myself and came back to you? Will you take me on?”
“Good heavens! You scare me.” The man sat straight up in his chair. “Who did you say you were? Ah yes, you are one of Jing’s guests. What’s your relationship to her? How come I’ve never heard her mention your name? And why do you have those kinds of dark thoughts?”
“I just really like it here, that’s all. I fell in love with it the moment I stepped inside.”
“I must give Jing a call.” Then he dialed a number and held the handset to his ear and waited for a long time. Finally, he let it drop slowly. The wedding banquet was not over yet. With all the guests drinking merrily and chatting rowdily around her, it must have been impossible for Jing to hear the soft ringing of a phone.
“You don’t have to call her. If I really wanted to do something to myself, she wouldn’t be able to stop me. Maybe she would feel sorry for me. Perhaps other people would also feel sorry for me. But that’s just pity. What use is their pity to me? It’s only ever helpful to the people feeling the pity. A gentle poke to the heart will make it stronger.”
“Heavens!” the groom mumbled. “What are you talking about? Are those words really coming out of a child’s mouth?” As he reached out to me with both hands, I quietly stepped back. He let his hands drop.
After a while, he conceded: “Alright, but you do not need to make yourself blind. Not because I think vision is essential to people, but because we should try to preserve the natural order of things. If you were born with fully functional eyes, why damage them? You should try to protect what you have been given, not harm.”
My proposal to apprentice at the massage clinic was not well received by Jing. After hearing of it, she didn’t say anything at first. She just stuffed her wedding gown into the closet and tore apart her expensive hairdo. Then she shouted angrily at me, “Absolutely not! I don’t want you hanging around me every day. I’ve just started a new life. I don’t want it to be tainted by things from the past!”
“If that’s how you really felt, then why did you insist on having me attend your wedding ceremony? The truth is, you can’t get away from the past. You’re just deceiving yourself. Haven’t you realized it yet?”
Jing stared at me with gaping eyes. She was wearing mascara and fake eyelashes, so her eyes seemed even bigger than usual. She started to cry. I handed her some paper napkins and she snatched them quickly from me. The fake lashes were really starting to bother her, so she pinched her fingers and gently pulled one of them off. Her eye looked more simple and clean now. She tossed the fake lash into the garbage bin and immediately began reaching for the other side.
After we both calmed down, we decided together that this was what I was going to tell her husband about my background: My dad went to jail; my mom divorced him and got remarried; I had no legal guardian; I had no money to live on; and I was about to drop out of school. As for my relationship with Jing, this was the explanation she came up with: she had planned on adopting me, but the state Children’s Welfare and Adoption Center declined her request, saying that my case didn’t meet the legal criteria for adoption. So, our relationship fell into that grey zone between potential family members and totally unrelated strangers.
It was a miracle that her husband actually believed us. No wonder Jing said he didn’t have a mean bone in him. He was so trusting. And, most of the time, he was content to just hang around family. He had even told her before, “This world is too complicated. I’m glad I don’t have to go out very often.”
Jing told me more: “Clients who come to him for massage treatment also talk about their own lives and worldly experiences. Over the years, the more he’s heard, the less he’s wanted to venture out.”
As for our complicated past, I promised Jing that I would never bring a hint of it into her new home. I wouldn’t dream of doing that. Our past was sealed inside a locked box. Nobody else held the keys to that box, except Hei Jian. And none of us knew where he was. Even if he were to find it in his heart to turn back and look for me, he wouldn’t be able to find me. Jing had already moved homes, changed jobs, and gotten a new cell number. If he couldn’t find Jing, he wouldn’t be able to track me down either. Plus, I don’t think it would ever cross his mind that I would be staying with Jing and her husband.
I was determined to work hard and pick up the skills of the trade as quickly as possible. Once I had gained those skills, I planned to leave here and apply for jobs in massage clinics all across the country. Of course, I might have to pretend to be blind, because people who come to massage clinics tend to put more trust in the skills of those therapists.
It would be quite the bold move. Armed with the top-secret skills of massage therapy, I could freely cross between the realms of light and dark, coming and going as I please. What an exhilarating adventure that would be!
Maybe one day I would meet a client who spoke in a familiar voice with a recognizable accent. His head of long, sleek hair would have turned a bit bald in the crown area. His body would be muscular and well-proportioned. Although he was starting to grow a beer belly, he would still move about with brisk, youthful vigor. I would casually ask him questions as I performed the massage. Questions about his kids, lovers, favorite movies, and so on. Caught off guard, he would suddenly lift his head up and stare at me. “You look kind of familiar … Do I know you from somewhere? Have us guys met before?”
Of course, he would be correct.
I was barely twelve years old when he left me. And for a young man, those preteen years would become a dividing line between the past and the future—when all that he had known about life was overturned and rewritten.
This scene played out in my head like a poorly-scripted movie, with an awkwardly cliched plot and filmed by a novice director. Of course, the more probable and realistic thing was that our paths would never cross, that Hei Jian and I would never see or hear from each other again.
Now back to that imaginary scene: Every evening, I would return home from the massage clinic after a hard day’s work, and my only pastime would be watching movies. I would hunt down and watch nearly every new movie that came out. When the movie finished, I would keep my eyes glued to the screen as the end credits rolled. I would scour the production list for someone named Hei Jian.
But, until the final moments of my life, I would never see his name appear on screen.
Hopefully it was just my imagination.
Chapter 15
I Thought I Would Feel Melancholic with Wind and Rain
With the whirling wind and the drizzling rain, I thought I would feel melancholic. But instead, I was feeling restless and excited beyond measure. It was Friday afternoon. I had already packed up the stuff I would need for the weekend. As I sat in class, I checked the clock on the wall impatiently. There was still a long while to go before fifth period—the last class of the day. Time was crawling so slowly.
Today was going to be a historic milestone in my life. After classes were over, I rushed out of the classroom and dashed toward the bus terminal. I was taking the bus to Jiatai’s Massage Clinic. Jiatai is the name of Jing’s new husband. It also happened to be the name of his massage clinic. Jing and Jiatai had discussed and decided together that I shouldn’t quit school to become an apprentice at the clinic. I should use my weekends and holidays to apprentice, just like how Jiatai had apprenticed under his uncle when he was younger.
Back in the day, Jiatai hadn’t been the most focused or hardworking apprentice—he would train for a few days, then take the other days off. (As the old saying goes, he fished for three days and hung the net to dry for two.) But Jiatai said that looking back now, it was actually a nice way to learn, because if you’re too serious about something and you try to work on it all the time, you can burn yourself out easily and lose your passion.
Earlier that day, when I was still sitting in class, I kept thinking about how I was going to start working and providing for myself like a grown-up. The thought made me giddy with pride. And the closer we got to the end of the school day, the more excited I became. It was like there was a little bunny hopping up and down inside my chest.
I rehearsed over and over in my head the stuff I was going to say to the people I would meet at Jiatai’s clinic. “Hello, nice to meet you!” “Thank you for having me!” “My name is Bai Jian. Please take care of me.” “Thank you for letting me learn from you.” … And so on.
And I kept checking my fingernails. I had just recently trimmed my nails. No fleshy thorns were poking out around the nail bed, and no dirt was collecting under the nail edges. In my mind, a person who performs massages for a living should always keep his hands clean and well-sanitized.
Jing was already waiting for me at the entrance to the clinic. She pulled me in front of her and introduced me to every massage master in the place. Then she declared that from now on, I would be coming here on the weekends to help them clean up the place. What?
“Not what you expected, right? You know, all apprentices start out like that. First they make tea, clean up, and run errands for their masters. Then, they start to learn their trade,” Jing explained. “Those are the accepted rules of apprenticeship.”
After she finished, Jing quickly pulled me aside and added in a whisper, “Right now is not the best time for you to start your training. You just need a reason to come here for the weekend.” Then she guided me toward a corner of the clinic and showed me a tiny room tucked behind a well-hidden curtain. Inside was a narrow wooden bed and two large storage boxes.
Standing near the end of the bed, Jing pointed to the boxes. “These are for you to store your clothes, toiletries, and other stuff. It’s also your study desk. I’ve tested it out—there’s enough space to fit a large workbook on it.”
Although I was supposed to help clean up the place, there actually didn’t turn out to be much cleaning to do. The floor was shiny and polished. The simple furniture already looked spotless. Everything in the clinic was neatly organized and clean. I looked around the place for a bit, then decided to stand next to Jiatai and watch him do his massage treatments. While observing his movements, I realized that massage therapy was actually very physically demanding work. With each movement he made, the tendons and veins on the back of his hands would bulge and roll. His lips were taut and I saw sweat beading up on the tip of his nose.
At half past ten, Jing forced me to go to bed. There was a slight problem though. In a short while, once everyone had finished their work for the day, they would all head home and leave me stranded here by myself. As if able to read my mind, Jing reassured me that at night the staff took turns staying behind to guard the clinic. They would sleep near the front reception area. If I wanted to, I could lie down in bed and chitchat with whomever was on duty until I fell asleep, since my bed was set up less than three yards from the reception area.
The person on watch duty tonight was a thin, lanky man. He told me that he started to lose his vision later in life, and that he wasn’t completely blind. He could still sense light. After the last client of the day had left, he sighed a long sigh and began to roll out his bedding and blanket. I faked a cough, to signal that I wasn’t asleep yet. As I expected, he came over.
“This is nice, we can keep each other company tonight,” he said. “I’m a bit curious—what’s your relationship to Jing?”
“We’re not related.”
“How can that be? If you’re not related to her, then why is she so nice to you? Are you her son?” He smiled coyly. His smile made me feel very uneasy. I stared at his face and wondered whether he could see more than he was letting on: his eyes looked exactly the same as people with normal vision.
Suddenly, I wanted to scare him a little, so that he wouldn’t go around gossiping about us. “Tomorrow, I’m going to tell Jing what you just said to me.”
“Oh, no, no, no. Don’t do that. I was just teasing you. It’s a joke. Plus, I’m not the only one here who is suspicious. Jing told all the clinic staff that even when you’re around, we are not supposed to slack off. Whatever we were responsible for cleaning before, we should continue to do that. Why would the wife of our boss be so protective of you, a new apprentice?”
“Maybe, as the boss’s wife, she just doesn’t want you guys to become too lazy and complacent?” I tried to come up with a good explanation to ease his doubts.
“Oh, that may very well be the case. You know her quite well.”
The conversation bothered me the more I thought about it. If I were to stay here every weekend, over time, the folks working here were bound to sense something between us. I would be bringing more trouble to Jing. I didn’t want to disturb her life and destroy her hard-earned peace. I wanted to run away, to escape from all this. But then I thought, didn’t I come here to learn? How could I quit before I even got started? No, I must keep going. Somehow.
I had this ominous feeling that something big and terrible was about to happen. It was like the calm before a storm. Thunder rumbled on the distant edge of the sky; a cool breeze swirled up from the ground, carrying the smell of cold, wet earth.
The very next week, my head teacher approached me and asked about Hei Jian again. “Hey, Bai Jian, when was the last time you had contact with your dad?”
“About three months ago,” I answered truthfully.
“So that means he only came to visit you once this entire semester?” She frowned. “Why doesn’t he come more often?”
“It’s because he’s busy shooting movies. Until a movie finishes shooting, the film crew are not allowed to leave the set.”
“Is that true? Can you give me his number? I just want to confirm things with him.”
“I don’t have his number.” I lowered my head.
“Have you ever thought that perhaps he is doing this on purpose?” she suggested. “That he wants to abandon his parental responsibilities and just leave you here with us?”
“Nope. He won’t do that.” I was adamant. “He will come and see me, for sure!”
“No, what I mean is … perhaps, just maybe, if something like that were to happen … what would you do?”
“I’m going to work a part-time job while going to school, and try to earn the school fees myself. In fact, I have already started to work on the weekends.” I almost told my teacher about Jiatai’s Massage Clinic, but I held my tongue before I made a blunder. I was afraid that one day Hei Jian would come to the school when I wasn’t around and the teacher would give him the address of the massage clinic. He mustn’t know about that place.
“How much can you earn on a weekend?” she countered. “Will that be enough to pay your school fees? You know how our fees are higher than the average school.”
I couldn’t answer her. I hadn’t done the calculations, because I didn’t know how much Jing planned on paying me each month.
“Because of your unique situation, I have a suggestion for you. Why don’t you transfer to one of the regular public elementary schools?” she coaxed. “Their fees are much cheaper and most kids from working-class families go there. Perhaps then you will be able to earn enough school fees by working part-time. And you will be able to fulfill your dream of becoming self-sufficient.”
I replied in my head that that wouldn’t be possible. The whole reason I came to this boarding school was not because we had loads of money to spend. It was because we had no home, and Hei Jian had no extra time or energy to look after me. So he’d kind of just ditched me here, in a place that provided me room and board.
But the head teacher seemed to have already made up her mind. She said, “Why don’t you think it over some more? I really believe that’s the best plan for you. We should all know our own limits and work within it, right? All the other students here come from wealthy families—they have a lot more resources. So, if you’re okay with it, we will help you with the school transfer process.”
After she finished speaking, she walked away, but then quickly turned back. “Did you know, only half of your fees for this semester were paid for? Hei Jian promised us to pay the other half off within one month, but it’s now two months past due.”
