Numb, p.9
Numb, page 9
“You’re stronger than you think. And although there’ll be times when the voice may overpower your mind and you’ll feel helpless, and don’t understand how you got wherever you end up, there are many other times when you can withstand the influence. You have to put up a fight.” She pauses and suddenly seems out of breath. “You can win this battle. It’s the only way to get her back.”
Now’s the time to fight, my brave girl.
When I read those words, I made a conscious decision to fight against the voice. And now Dr. Larunda is asking me to do the same.
“I want to be strong, but I don’t think I can.” I fought these inner demons all my life and although I resented Mum for constantly bugging me, I also depended on her to keep me sane. How can I believe in anything without her pushing me?
The chime goes off.
She releases my hands and the cold rushes back into my fingers. Dr. Larunda is already sitting on her chair, gaze stuck on me, as if she hasn’t moved at all.
“You think she’s still alive too, don’t you?”
She nods. “I know she is.”
“Are you sure about the pills?”
“I’m positive.”
“What about the anxiety meds?”
“If they help, keep dosing but don’t overdo it. We need you to be as sharp as a tack.” She pauses, stares into the space between us. “Philomena was right about most of the pills other doctors are so eager to prescribe. Those medications are helpful for others, but not you. They would have altered your brain chemicals and made you more vulnerable to possession.”
“Are we now talking about the voice like it’s not a figment of my imagination?”
“It never was, Chester,” she whispers. “It never was.”
“What is he?”
“I can’t give you that answer, because it’s something you need to work out for yourself.” She sighs. “But you must continue to read the grimoire until you get the answers you’ve always wanted. And the instructions to help you get through this trying time.”
“Okay.” What else could I say? Everything about this woman always struck me as odd, so this conversation shouldn’t shock me. It should validate that even though I often think of myself as crazy, I’m really not.
“I’m sorry our time is up, but we’ll talk again next week.” Her eyes are losing their luster, almost seems like all the color is leaching out. “And if you ever need to contact me outside of business hours, my assistant will give you my personal number.”
I nod and stand, head for the door even though I feel like the dark ceiling above my head is full of sentient shadows with razor-sharp teeth waiting to tear into my flesh.
She calls my name and I look over my shoulder. The translucent being is there again, the top of its body disappears into the nook and crannies of the doctor’s left side. It’s practically a humanoid torso with a tail at the end, one that disperses droplets of glowing ink onto the carpet.
“Did you get the familiar?”
“The what?”
She listens to the whispers for a second. “The guardian… did you get the dog?”
“Nobody? Yeah, I got her out of the garbage bin,” I say. “That was another shock to add to the collection—the half-dead puppy who miraculously came to life when I pulled her out.”
She frowns. “You called her Nobody?”
“We haven’t come up with a name yet.”
“You better come up with one soon. If she doesn’t have a proper name, she won’t be able to protect you.”
Elvi warned me about this, yet I still can’t think of a perfect name.
“Stop taking the pills, keep reading the grimoire and for fuck’s sake,” she snaps loud enough to make me finch. “Give your dog a name.”
I close the office door and think I hear the doctor say, “Come to me,” followed by a multitude of scampering feet and a moan. I’m tempted to take a peek, but her assistant is calling out to me, trying to get my attention.
“Miss Chester, this is the doctor’s emergency number.” As the receptionist makes his way around the counter, he suddenly becomes a lion riding a bear. But is back to being a stout bearded man between blinks.
I take the slip of paper, trying not stare at the transforming man. “Thanks.”
“You take care now,” he says with a bearded smile.
“Yeah,” I say, giving the assistant a wave. “You, too.”
“Chess, are you ready?”
I almost jump because I’d forgotten Darwin drove me to my appointment. He insisted, wanted to know what the doctor had to say about my weird experiences, and will probably grill me all the way home.
“Is everything okay?” Darwin whispers when he sidles up beside me.
“Yeah,” I say.
But as we leave the office and wait for the elevator, I have to admit to myself that I’m really not okay. I’m not ready to deal with everything I heard and saw in Dr. Larunda’s office, or to find out the truth about my mother. I also don’t know what name to give our dog, and I sure as hell am not ready to be strong or brave against a voice that’s kicked my ass so many times already.
TEN
BEFORE
Two months ago, March 2018
As soon as I stepped through the sliding door, the smell of salt tickled my nose and I almost sneezed. I’d been taking these pills long enough to know what it meant whenever I got home, and the kitchen smelled like salt water. It reminded me of the beach, which we used to visit a lot when Darwin and I were kids but hardly went anymore.
“Hey Mum, what’re you doing?” I swung my backpack onto one of the chairs and headed for the counter.
Her hand was cupped over an open plastic bottle, and she was filling it with white pills. “You’re home late,” she said with a smile.
“No, I’m not.”
“Darwin got home a while ago.” She glanced at the stove clock. “And Su was with him.”
“Really?” I didn’t know why he’d left school early but did know they’d both ditched last period without telling me. I concentrated on her because thinking about my two closest friends keeping secrets made me sad and twitchy. “So, what are you doing with the pills?”
“I picked up a new prescription this morning,” she said. “You know I like to make sure they’re all in there.”
I nodded but noticed the white specks all over the countertop and the load of dishes in the sink. Until now, I’d thought we might have finally closed the gulf between us, but she was still acting secretive and clearly wasn’t telling the truth. I knew she was lying because she didn’t pick up any prescriptions, she made these pills. I wasn’t sure why she felt the need to lie about something so obvious.
Since our very honest conversation in the backyard last month, we’d been getting along well.
“Are you okay?” A worry crease formed between her eyes.
“Yeah, I’m cool.” But I wasn’t exactly cool. I’d started having strange dreams about getting stuck in a darkroom and talking to someone I couldn’t see. I knew it was a she and that she was always there watching me, but after I woke up our conversations faded. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember what she’d said. There was something familiar about her too. Almost as if I’d known her for a long time and we’d already had these conversations, but I didn’t know why.
“Are you sure? You look distracted.”
“I’m always distracted.”
Her gaze fell on my hand. “Are you feeling itchy again?”
“No, but every time you ask, I start feeling like insects are crawling all over my skin,” I said. “So maybe don’t ask me so much.”
“Getting any headaches?”
I shrugged. “When I get my period, or if I’ve got too much homework.” Also, if I didn’t get enough sleep because I kept waking up from nightmares and didn’t want to risk going back to sleep. That kind of thing happened a few times, but worse than that was the time I’d woken up and found myself sleeping on the ceiling. That happened a few years ago too and I had to get Darwin to help me get down. I never did figure out why or how something so freaky happened, but I didn’t tell Mum because she’d flip out.
“Are you feeling colder than usual?”
“It still feels like summer, so I’m not feeling cold at all.” But even that was a bit of a lie because I knew exactly what she meant. Sometimes I got a chill deep inside and no matter how many layers I put on, or how many hot beverages I consumed, I couldn’t shake it. The feeling would eventually go away on its own. Usually.
“Good.” Her eyes scanned my face and bare forearms. “You’re not hearing any whispers trying to convince you to do things, right?”
“None whatsoever,” I said with a nod. At least that’s true. “Are you done with the interrogation, or do you want to know more?”
A grin curved her lips as she wiped the bench clean.
“So, were they all there?” It was time to ask her some questions.
“Were what all there?” She was busy searching for something under the kitchen sink.
“Were all the pills there?”
“Yes, of course.” When she stood, she was holding a familiar wooden box in her hands. “I like to make sure you don’t miss taking a single pill.”
“How could I forget with you breathing down my neck?” I tried to sound as annoyed as possible, but if taking these stupid pills helped keep me grounded, I would. Or should, until I started feeling restless or simply forgot all about them.
“Take a seat, I’m going to teach you how to make your own spirit bag.” She placed the box on the counter and lifted the lid.
“But I want to go and see what Dar’s doing.”
“Darwin will be there when we’re done.” Her hands were moving fast, grabbing one piece after another, and laying everything out between us. “It’s time you learn some of these skills for yourself.”
I glanced at the spirit bag I was wearing under my school shirt. “But you make them for me, why do I have to learn?”
She sighed, dropping a tangle of yarn. “I’m not going to be around forever, you know? Besides, it’ll be good for you to learn how to start making something this cool. They make great presents and I know Su is always eyeing yours.”
I nodded because Su was oddly fascinated with a lot of our family rituals. She loved the slight twang of salt in the air and always commented about the incense we used. Mostly, I didn’t know how to answer her questions and avoided talking about the weird stuff as much as I could, but she never stopped asking.
Until Su started asking questions and commenting when she’d first come over years ago, I hadn’t thought any of our customs—blessing every room in spring, sweeping the floors at the end of the week to clear away negative energy, placing crystals on windowsills, using salt to purify—were abnormal. I thought everyone’s parents had these kinds of rituals in place to keep harmony in their house and ensure psychic levels were kept on the positive side of the scale. But apparently, they didn’t. Su called it New Age mumbo-jumbo, but Darwin and I had lived with these customs all our lives, so I didn’t think it odd or even interesting.
Mostly, I let Mum and Elvi do their thing.
She pulled out several scraps of colorful fabric and laid them out in front of me. I liked that she used her fancy sawtooth-bladed scissors to cut the squares.
“The first thing you need to do is choose your fabric and ribbon.”
I considered the pieces and grabbed a black square with a silver horseshoe print and yellow ribbon.
“Nice choices,” she said. “Horseshoes are lucky charms and yellow makes everything brighter.”
“Why do you always suggest I pick something with horses?” It was worth asking again, to see if she bothered answering this time. I wasn’t Sagittarius and wasn’t born in the year of the horse.
Mum paused for a moment and smiled. “The horse is your sign.”
“But it’s not.”
“I’m not talking about astrology,” she said with a sigh. “I’m talking about custodian signs.”
“What are those?”
“The only ones that matter.”
I didn’t bother with a follow up question because she wouldn’t answer, and even if she did, the response would be so vague I still wouldn’t get it. Instead, I pointed at my choices. “What’s next?”
She dug her hand into a plastic container, grabbed a handful of crystals and held them out. “These are your filling.” She slipped the combination of small rocks and crystals into my palm. I recognized the rose quartz and the black onyx but didn’t know the pretty blue one. “What’s this?”
“The Lapis Lazuli relieves stress, also encourages peace and harmony,” she said. “It’s good for your wellbeing.”
I nodded because this sounded good to me. She didn’t usually let me pick my own crystals, always chose those for me. She also picked the herbs, which she added to the combination. I could smell the lavender mixed in with all the other ingredients.
“Now that you have all of your ingredients, let your energy flow through them.”
I pressed the mixture together in the palm of my hand and closed my eyes. I never felt anything flow in or out, but put on an act for her benefit. I opened my eyes and carefully let the contents slip from my hand. I made sure the herbs made a nice nest for the crystals.
She nodded approvingly. “Now close it up.”
I folded the corners and pinched the fabric together, made a little baggie, before twisting the top to make sure nothing slipped out. Mum helped me wrap the length of yellow ribbon around enough times to make it tight and I tied a knot, followed by another. The length of ribbon was still long, and I knotted the ends together to finish off the necklace.
When I offered it to her so she could bless the bundle, she shook her head.
“Pick it up and repeat these words after me.”
This was the first time I was actually doing this myself. She usually cupped the completed spirit bag and whispered the fancy words to herself.
“Are you ready?”
I cupped the fabric baggie the same way I’d seen her do a hundred times. “Yep.”
“These crystals and herbs are blended with care,” she said.
I repeated the words.
“When I wear this token of protection, nothing dark will ever take me.”
Saying those words made my skin crawl and I could have sworn something shifted beneath my skin. A strange sensation rippled inside my very core.
“Now you can put it on.”
“What about the old one?” I asked, hesitating.
“I’ll take care of it.”
I handed her the limp baggie, which didn’t smell like anything. Mum always told me this was when the necklace needed to be replaced, so I wasn’t sure if she’d noticed or if she’d decided to do this at the spur of the moment. Either way, I popped the new one over my head and couldn’t stop feeling a sense of accomplishment. The scent of lavender filled my nostrils and made me feel safe.
“Why is it so important to have these protections renewed?” I asked, not sure whether she would answer or not. My mother was a strange creature sometimes. She wanted to know how I was feeling 24-7 but whenever I asked her questions, she rarely answered. And eager as she seemed to teach me stuff, it was usually a distraction. So, what was she trying to distract me from now?
She stared at the spirit bag I’d given her. “Negative energy can destroy lives and tunnel into our heads. I want to make sure you’re surrounded by safety and comfort. It’ll help with your condition.” She met my gaze. “Haven’t you noticed that when everything is renewed, the whispers quieten for longer and the anxiety fades for a while?”
I nodded.
“Are you still practicing the mind exercises I taught you?”
“Sometimes,” I answered.
“Good, keep practicing. It’s like anything—muscle memory is a powerful thing. If you keep doing the exercises, it’ll pay off in the long run.”
“Okay.”
“Anyway, I’ve held you up long enough. Why don’t you go and get changed and take it easy for a while before getting stuck into your homework?”
“Sounds good,” I said. “And Mum, thanks for this.”
“Now that you know how to make one yourself, you can lead the way next time.” She met my eyes and they shone with a sad gleam. “I’ll supervise a few times, but after that you’re on your own. Maybe you can teach Dar, too.”
“Yeah, right.” He was worse than me and would probably hound her with a thousand questions and theories… which might be why she wanted me to show him. “Hey! You don’t want to teach him yourself, do you?”
“That boy is impossible to tutor.” She patted my hand and grinned. “I think he’ll listen to you, though.”
“You have too much faith in me,” I said. “I can’t control him.”
“Oh, no one controls that boy, he’s a wild spirit.” Her smile widened. “You both share that quality. You’re different in so many ways, yet very alike.”
“Think I’ll leave now,” I said with a laugh. After her bizarre accusation about my feelings towards Darwin, I didn’t want to get into this.
I wandered into the gloomy corridor and a chill wound its way around my body.
Whether I regularly took my meds or not, the darkest corners around the house always played tricks on me. I often spotted swirls out of the corner of my eye and when I turned, there would be nothing there. I quickened my step and headed straight for Darwin’s room.
That he’d left school without me again was starting to annoy me. I enjoyed walking home with him and Su, but she was also mysteriously MIA lately. I was starting to suspect they were avoiding me on purpose. But why?
I was about to barge in but stopped. The door was mostly closed, but he clearly wasn’t alone. I stepped closer, carefully pushed the door wide enough to peek inside. It took my eyes several seconds to figure out what was going on.
Darwin was lying on top of Su, and they were kissing. She looked comfortable with him on top of her. They kissed like it was natural… like they’d done if before. A feeling of betrayal flooded through me, making my body feel hot and stuffy.
