Drunk on the job, p.15
Drunk on the Job, page 15
part #2 of The Misadventures of a Drunk in Paradise Series
“The night you hung up on me?” I gave her a side-eyed glance.
She glanced over her shoulder at the police officers in the back and then leaned into me a little, lowering her voice. “Sorry. It was two in the morning. I was asleep!”
“Anyway, he’s been pulling all these little pranks. And now suddenly the pranks are getting bigger. I think they did that vandalism down at the beach and shot me out of my boat. Then today, they fucking tar and—” I paused, thinking better of sharing the humiliating tar and feathering story. Maybe Frankie didn’t need to know everything they’d done. “They superglued Earnestine to my kitchen counter.”
“Earnestine? Earnestine your parrot?”
My head bobbed.
“You can’t be serious.”
“I’m dead fucking serious, Frankie. I had to give her a chemical peel on her feet just to get her unstuck. It was insane. They could have seriously hurt her. And now they blew up our ship and nearly killed a guy. It’s getting way out of hand.”
“And why exactly you do you think it’s them doing all of this. Have they left some kind of calling card?”
I poked a finger up into the air. “Ohhhh-ho-ho, I know it’s them all right. They’ve taken responsibility for lots of it. They called to gloat about the chicken prank. And Erika left me a message calling me a chicken, and then next thing I know I’m ta—Earnestine’s feet are superglued to my kitchen counter.”
“Well, not that they aren’t irritating, but they’re a little more minor. Knocking your security guard out and blowing up Artie’s ship, now those I take more seriously. Have they taken responsibility for any of that?”
I frowned. “Not exactly, but it’s got their filthy stench smeared all over it!”
“Listen, Danny. People don’t exactly go around blowing up other people’s ships for no reason. This can’t just be a prank. Have you or Artie done anything to piss them off?”
I pressed my lips together. I didn’t feel like telling Frankie that I’d turned their guests cherry-punch red. I wasn’t in the mood for a lecture.
“Like I said. Artie told me he went to high school with the guy and he was a bully back then. Personally I think Sly’s doing all of this just because he’s an asshole.”
Parked down at the clubhouse now, we all got out of the golf cart and walked down to where the paramedics were putting John on a stretcher, preparing to haul him back up the hill to their rig.
“John, you gonna be all right?” I asked.
One of the paramedics answered for him. “When the boat exploded, some of the pieces struck his head and back. He’s got some swelling. We’ve decided to take him in and have him looked over. We think he’ll be just fine, but we didn’t want to chance anything.”
I patted John on the shoulder. “Get better fast, man. I’m so sorry about what happened.”
“In all my years, I’ve never had that happen before,” he said, shaking his head. He was visibly shaken.
“I know, John. I know it’s not your fault. You were set up by someone. But don’t worry, we’ll find out who it was.”
“Danny!” hissed Frankie, shooting me a look that said shut the hell up.
I pressed my lips together and looked away as the paramedics wheeled John away. Frankie gave a nod towards the two officers that followed us. “Clarke, Hernandez. Follow them up there and see what you can find out from him. I want to know exactly what happened on that ship. I’ll see what I can piece together down here.”
Officer Clarke nodded. “Will do, Inspector Cruz.”
When they were gone, I looked over at Frankie, a smile on my face for the first time since I’d seen her. “Well! Will you listen to that? Inspector Cruz. Impressive, Frankie. Very impressive.”
Frankie rolled her eyes. “You thought I was faking all that extra work or something?”
“Some girls are good at that, you know. Faking it.” I smiled at her. Then, pressing my fingers to my chest, I took a step backwards, distancing myself from that statement. “Of course I wouldn’t know any of them.”
“Of course you wouldn’t.” She shook her head. “Now. We should get on with this. If you’re so sure it’s Sly Smallwood, I’d still like to get over there this evening and have a talk with them. But first I want to talk to everyone who saw what happened.”
We started towards the beach but then stopped short when we noticed everyone that was left standing around the pool wasn’t moving. In fact, everyone was stiff as a board and completely silent, all staring off towards the beach. I shot a glance over at Manny, who was leaning against his bar. “What happened now?”
“Mr. Balladares is doing it,” he said, giving a nod towards the beach.
“He’s what?” I looked out at the beach to see the pair of silhouetted figures alone on the sand. Artie had somehow managed to get down on one knee, and he held an open ring box in the air.
Val stood in front of him, her hands cupping her face. When he finished whatever speech he’d prepared, Val threw her hands up in the air and screamed and then tossed her arms around Artie’s shoulders. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” she hollered.
The remaining crowd, Al and Mrs. Al, Manny, Gary, and Eddie all cheered loudly. When I realized what had happened, I clapped too. I was relieved to see that Artie hadn’t let Sly ruin his big evening after all.
Artie waved us towards him. He was having problems standing up again. We all rushed him and in seconds had him back on his feet. Val squealed as she stared at the ring on her outstretched hand.
“Congratulations, Artie,” said Al, giving his old friend a handshake.
“Yes, congratulations, Artie. I’m very happy for you,” said Mrs. Al.
“Thanks, Al, Evie,” said Artie, giving them both a nod.
“Real happy for you, pal,” said Gary Wheelan.
“Thank you, Gary.”
I walked over to Val and held out my hand. “Congratulations, Val. I’m happy for you and Artie.”
She squealed, and instead of shaking my hand, she gave me a bear hug. I chuckled, and soon everyone in our little group was accepting a bear hug from Val.
I walked over and shook Artie’s hand. “Congratulations, Artie. You actually managed to get it in there after everything. I’m happy for you.”
“I wasn’t going to let a little boat explosion get in the way of my happiness.”
“No, I suppose not.” He looked at me curiously then, as if it was the first time he’d seen me all day. “Drunk, what the hell happened to your face? Did that happen when you went out to help John?”
I fingered my swollen nose and darkened eyes. “Oh. This?” I’d worn my sunglasses and hat all day, so I’d been able to hide it from him. I glanced over at Val, who was chatting excitedly with some of the wives, showing off her engagement ring, and then I looked over at Frankie. I swatted the air. “I’m an idiot. I walked into a door yesterday.”
“You look like hell.”
“Thanks, Artie.” Wanting to change the subject, I glanced towards the bay. “So. Too bad about the boat, huh?”
Artie frowned and followed my gaze. “Yes. But I’ll deal with that tomorrow. I’m just glad no one got badly hurt.”
“I was actually hoping to ask you some questions about it tonight, Mr. Balladares,” said Frankie.
“Must we? Tonight? It’s incredibly upsetting to have not only the event ruined, but to have it put a damper on my engagement and basically end the Carnival festivities… well, I’d just rather not think of it anymore.”
“Danny wanted me to go over and interview Sly yet tonight. Until I’ve spoken to you about this feud you have going on, I’d rather not speak with Sly.”
“Tomorrow’s fine with me,” said Artie with a nod. “Tonight I’d prefer spending with my new fiancée, if you don’t mind.”
My mouth gaped. “Artie! You’re gonna put this off until tomorrow? That gives Sly time to hide the evidence!”
“As if he hasn’t already thought to do that? I don’t think one night is going to make much of a difference.”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Balladares. We’ll get what we can from John, and I’ll come back tomorrow morning and we can discuss things then.”
“My thoughts exactly. So if you’ll excuse me, Inspector, I’d like to go celebrate my engagement with my new fiancée.”
“Be my guest,” she said, taking a step back to let Artie pass.
When Artie was gone, my shoulders slumped. “But, Frankie…”
“Danny, please. Mr. Balladares is fine with picking this investigation up tomorrow. We’ll take care of it in the morning.”
I groaned. I wanted Erika and Sly to pay now.
“Besides, he’s right. He just got engaged. Let the man have a minute. I mean, how cute are they?” She hugged herself and stared after them.
“Seriously? Now they’re cute? Just yesterday you hated Val.”
Frankie frowned. “Oh, come on, Danny. Hate’s a very strong word. I never hated her. I just didn’t necessarily care for her fawning all over you. It caught me off guard. That’s all.”
“So you’re saying you were jealous?” The idea of Frankie being jealous made a smile curl the edges of my mouth.
“Not jealous, Danny. Just surprised.” She swatted the air. “I’m fine now. I mean, look at them.”
I looked over at Artie, who now had his arm around Val. She had her head on his shoulder, and they both looked happier than I’d ever seen them. Al and Evie were snuggling too. It was a beautiful evening, and now romance was suddenly in the air. I had the urge to throw my arm over Frankie’s shoulder too.
You can think it’s cheesy if you want, but I’m not ashamed to admit, I pulled out the yawn move. Lifting both arms up in the air, I yawned and when I lowered them, I let one arm fall around Frankie’s shoulders.
She looked over at me, her brows knitted together, and crooked grin on her face. “Smooth, Danny. Smooth.” She chuckled.
“Oh, give in. Just once. It won’t kill you.” With my free hand, I reached over and pushed her head down on my shoulder.
“Ugh. You’re so annoying,” she said with a laugh before throwing my arm off her shoulder. “You know I’m working. I just think they’re sweet. I can’t just watch them for a moment without you putting the moves on me?”
I laughed. “Oh, sweetie. When I put the moves on you, you’ll know. That wasn’t me putting the moves on you.”
“Oh yeah? What was it, then?”
“I was just testing the waters.”
She smiled. “Yeah? How are they?”
“They’ve definitely cooled off. But don’t worry. I’ll find a way to heat them back up again.”
27
It was early the next morning when Frankie showed up to question Artie and Sly Smallwood. She stopped into Artie’s office first, bringing with her the statement that her officers had collected from John, the pyrotechnician. Al and Frankie both sat across from Artie’s desk, and I stood with my back leaning against a wall as Frankie began her questioning.
“So, Mr. Balladares—”
“Artie. Please. Just Artie is fine.”
She smiled at him. “Artie, Danny told me about the ‘prank war’ so to speak that’s been happening between your resort and the resort next door.”
“The Crystal Point,” he added, nodding.
“Right. Can we just start from the beginning so I have it all straight? How did this all get started and whatnot?”
“Well, Sly and I went to school together. And he always was a bully,” said Artie, nodding.
“Did he just have something against you personally, or did he bully others as well?”
“Oh, it wasn’t just me. It was just Sly’s personality. He bullied others too, but I do think I might have been a favorite of his to pick on.”
Frankie nodded as she took notes. “I’m sorry to hear that. And how exactly did the two of you wind up owning neighboring resorts?”
Artie sighed and went on to explain to her what he’d told me. “And I didn’t even realize who it was that was next door until, in my very first week of ownership, Sly had his gardeners cut a row of hedges at the entrance of the resort to look like—” Artie paused and glanced up at me as if he didn’t want to say it and be rude in front of Frankie.
“Oh, just say it, Artie. Frankie won’t be offended.”
“To look like what, Artie?” she asked.
Artie cleared his throat and sat up a little higher in his chair. “Well, to look like the male anatomy.”
Frankie’s eyes widened. “Oh! I see.” She scribbled something down in her notes.
“Yes. I had to have that whole row cut back.”
“But they were on your side of the property, I assume?”
“They were!”
“And you know it was Mr. Smallwood?”
“I do. In fact, he got a good laugh at my expense when he called to gloat about it.”
“Artie, did you report this to the police when it happened?”
“I wish I had, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to rile anything up my first week as owner. Had I known that he was going to keep up with the pranks, I would’ve certainly put an end to it right then and there and let him know in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t going to keep harassing me. Unfortunately, I think my negligence in fighting back may have encouraged him to keep going.”
Frankie nodded. “So has he done other things?”
“Tell her about the lobsters,” prompted Al.
“Yeah. That one cost you money. I think they should have been prosecuted for that for sure,” I added.
“Lobsters?”
Artie sighed and then went on to relay the story about the returned lobsters to Frankie.
“I understand that that whole situation cost you money, but unfortunately, Sly could have probably argued that the whole situation was one big misunderstanding and that he didn’t realize it was your delivery.”
“Yes, I’m not surprised.”
“What else are you sure that he’s done?” asked Frankie.
“Well, there were the two hundred fifty chickens he had released on our property,” said Artie.
“Danny told me about that. Was there any property damage done?”
“We’re still finding chicken crap all over the beach, even now after it’s been raked and sifted,” I said.
“But that’s not property damage, Danny,” said Frankie. “I understand it’s a mess to clean up, but there probably wasn’t a lot you could do to prove that Sly had anything to do with it anyway. But you know he did it?”
“We one-hundred-percent know he did it! Al and I were both here when Sly called Artie to gloat. And then there was the vandalism down at the beach and them shooting me out of my boat. They could’ve killed me. They could’ve killed Marcus!”
“That’s definitely more concerning,” agreed Frankie. “Did they call to gloat about that incident too?” She looked up Artie.
“No. I haven’t gotten a call about that. And Drunk said that Ms. Wild said they had nothing to do with it.”
“But she’s a nutjob!” I raised my arm to point towards the Crystal Point. “Who believes the word of a fucking nutjob? Not me.”
“Kid, simmer down. We’re trying to figure this out,” said Al.
“Was that all they’ve done? Aside from the most recent event?”
“As far as we’re aware,” said Artie.
“Well, there was the elevator and room number prank too, and the Earnestine incident,” I said, glancing over at Artie. I hadn’t told him about that yet.
“And don’t forget, they tarred and feathered you, Drunk!” inserted Al with a raised finger.
I closed my eyes.
“Danny, they tarred and feathered you? You didn’t tell me that!”
Opening my eyes, I glanced over at Al. “No. I’d hoped we could keep that little nugget to ourselves.”
“How’d they do it?!”
“They booby-trapped his office,” said Al. “Left him a little surprise on his desk.” Al shook his head as he let out a little chuckle. “Funniest thing I think I’ve ever seen.”
“Thanks, Al.”
“I’m sorry, kid, but at this age, you think you’ve seen it all, and then you see one of your best friends get tarred and feathered and then you find that you can actually say to yourself, nope, I haven’t seen it all.”
With her brows lowered, Frankie turned and looked at me. “Has the Seacoast Majestic responded to these pranks in any way?”
“What do you mean?” asked Artie.
“She wants to know if we’ve pranked them back,” I said.
“Oh, well, we’ve, uh—” Artie stumbled over his words.
I rubbed a hand over my face and then looked at her. “You didn’t really think we wouldn’t answer back, did you?”
“I didn’t say that. I just want to be prepared so when I go speak with Mr. Smallwood next, I’ll know what he’s going to say.”
“Well, we haven’t done any property damage, that’s for sure,” said Artie.
Frankie nodded. “Good. I’m glad. And you haven’t physically hurt anyone, I can assume?”
“I mean, we haven’t hurt anyone. No,” I agreed.
“Well, then, what have you done?”
The room went quiet for several seconds. Frankie looked around at each one of us in turn and then finally she sighed. “Look, I’m not going to arrest you or anything. And you know Sly’s going to tell me when I go over there. You might as well just fess up now. I’d prefer not to look surprised when I go over there.”
“Fine,” I sighed. I shot a subtle glance over at Al, but he’d turned around and given me his back. A lot of help he was going to be. “We handed out flyers over there.”
“That’s all?”
“And we put some little cup—things—in all their public bathrooms.”
Frankie looked up at me, confused. “Okay. Keep going?”
“The flyers said the Crystal Point Resort was doing a study.”
“What kind of study?”
I groaned and tilted my head to look up at the ceiling as I finished. “The effects of alcohol on a urine sample, sort of.”
There was quiet for a second as Frankie absorbed that. Then she smiled. “You’re telling me that you convinced their guests to give the Crystal Point Resort urine samples? And they fell for it?”
