Breakfall, p.1
Breakfall, page 1
Breakfall
Breakfall
Zhanna Slor
The following is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events and incidents are either the product of the
author’s imagination or used in an entirely fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2023 by Zhanna Slor Cover and jacket design by 2Faced Design
ISBN 978-1-957957-05-0
Library of Congress Control Number: available upon request First hardcover edition April 2023 by Agora Books
an imprint of Polis Books, LLC 44 Brookview Lane
Aberdeen, NJ 07747 www.PolisBooks.com
PRAISE FOR AT THE END OF THE WORLD, TURN LEFT
“It’s rare to find a debut mystery crafted with such elegance and au- thenticity, let alone in a place that has been so neglected as a literary location. Slor’s next novel will be one to anticipate.”
― NPR
“Slor keeps the suspense high in this unconventional detective story, using her characters’ musings on language and perception to enrich readers’ understanding of how and why events unfold as they do. Those looking for an intricately textured tale of family relationships will be rewarded.”
― Publishers Weekly
“This wonderful debut is a match for patrons who enjoyed Zadie Smith’s White Teeth or Rachel Zhong’s Goodbye, Vitamin. It’s also a must for anyone who has ever had a needy Grandma who anticipates death every morning (this character alone is worth the read).”
― Booklist (Starred Review)
“Don’t miss At the End of the World, Turn Left—one of those gems of a novel that delivers poignant observations about life in a suspenseful page-turner. As two young sisters separately search for answers in the wonderfully offbeat neighborhood of Riverwest, Milwaukee, torn in dif- ferent directions by a fascinating crew of locals—Jewish Soviet refugees, charismatic train hoppers, lovable loafers and thieves—the reader is taken on a heart-thumping ride that explores all the important relation- ships that make up our lives: our relationship to our siblings, parents, friends, country, heritage, and, lastly, to ourselves; that is, the person we used to be and the one we hope to become.”
― Jessamyn Hope, author of Safekeeping
“At the End of the World, Turn Left is the story of two immigrant sisters who are grappling with finding their purpose and place in the world, struggling to find the balance between family and freedom, tradition and modernity. Slor’s brilliant exploration of the nature of freedom is a quintessential first-generation American story told with great humor, grit, wisdom, and compassion.”
― Anne Raeff, author of Winter Kept Us Warm and Only the River
“An intoxicating fever dream of a book, At the End of the World Turn Left subverts the mystery genre in surprising ways and gives us the mysteries of real life instead: the incommunicable nature of the past, the confines of family, the gulfs love must try to cover between us. A beautiful, joyful read.”
― Rufi Thorpe, author of The Knockout Queen, Dear Fang with Love, and
The Girls of Corona Del Mar
“Zhanna Slor has written a stellar debut novel of literary suspense, which is also an engrossing coming-of-age story focusing on two sisters who emigrated as children from Ukraine to Milwaukee. Slor insightfully examines their experiences as young women who must confront the contradictions they find in themselves, in America, and in their parents, who both want their daughters to live as they are told to rather than find their own way in the world. This is a debut of many felicities, much heart, and more than a few comic moments. It was a true pleasure to read.”
― Christine Sneed, author of Little Known Facts and Paris, He Said
MARCH
CHAPTER ONE
It all started because of a car. Well, not actually the car itself, which was an unremarkable used Chevy Passenger van, but the bureaucracy surrounding the purchase of it. Mina’s friend Dylan was a reformed felon, and told her he couldn’t register a vehicle himself, so it seemed a simple thing, offering up her name, her good credit, her help; these were things in life she could still offer. She wasn’t sure how long even these simple realities would be hers to give; she had been spiraling a bit since her separation. Grasping at air. Between her two jobs and her daughter, she hardly had time to guess what it was that she kept missing, but she knew she was missing something, every day, a little more. Maybe it was happiness; maybe it was the entire idea of herself and who she was. Maybe it was nothing at all. Sometimes she thought about it at night, when she was supposed to be sleeping but couldn’t. But most of the time, she tried not to think. Thinking was what had brought her here, after all. Thinking could only bring you down, not up. Obviously, she should do less of it, not more.
Mina had never been great at moderation.
Which was how she ended up allowing Dylan to register a car in her name; by not giving it too much thought, or any thought at all, really. He was a nice guy for a former drug-dealing thief, and supposedly an honest law-abiding citizen now; most importantly, he had offered to drive her in exchange for the favor, when she needed it, and she did often need it. It was a brutal winter, and the streets and sidewalks of
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Chicago were a constant slippery blockade to her ability to maneuver with a toddler and stroller. So she could hardly say no to a free car, especially one she didn’t have to actually drive. Plus, it saved her from having to take the CTA so much, which really had been adding up, at five dollars a day every time there was inclement weather and she couldn’t walk Amelie to daycare. Paying the mortgage and utilities on her own, plus the credit card debt they’d acquired, which had all ended up under her name somehow, had rendered her more broke than she had ever been in her life. Therefore, it had seemed like a good idea at the time, to let Dylan drive her to work or help pick up her daughter, being as she needed so desperately to do both; they were the only things keeping her afloat these days, away from the abyss that always threatened to consume her entirely.
Admittedly, the abyss had seemed much closer to swallowing her when she was married, and the one main improvement in her life after splitting up with her ex was indeed her mental state. It was a rather incremental improvement, but improvement nonetheless. Irrecon- cilable differences was the official reason for their parting, though everyone knew the real reason was that she’d slept with someone else. For months, she could hardly keep her pants on, consumed as she was with this overpowering, endless need to fuck anyone who wasn’t her husband. She slept with so many guys from her Jiu Jitsu gym after their separation that she’d had to switch gyms, and that might have been the worst repercussion of them all, because she loved that gym, the camaraderie, the community it brought. It had felt like family. It was just that so many of the men there were so damn attractive; and even if they weren’t, watching them focus in violent concentration often made them so. It was primal, this constant fluttering in the lower half of her body as she watched them fight, even in a friendly manner. Women had been attracted to this display since the cavemen times for a reason. Thousands of years of socialization couldn’t destroy what was buried so deeply in your DNA you could hardly access it consciously. But it was there, and it was buried. As
a lifelong desk sitter, it had taken her a long time to figure out what was going on with her body every time she went to the gym. Oddly, once she was single again, the desire for these men had dried up as quickly as it had come forth. Now that she was actually able to have sex again without the following all-consuming guilt, her body felt no need for it. She’d hardly been touched in months, except by her daughter. Her therapist believed she had only been so sex-crazed because she was unhappy in her marriage and looking for a way out. She was probably right, though at the time she didn’t believe that. At the time she thought her body was betraying her, wanting something it shouldn’t have, wanting it so much she couldn’t stop herself from getting it. She thought it was just her body, just sex. But it was never just sex, was it?
This confusion about her recent past was the main thing keeping her from having sex with Dylan now—that and the fact that he too went to her former gym—though she knew she could if she wanted to. He definitely wanted to, she could see it in his eyes. But she was not mentally capable of dating anymore, and wasn’t sure she ever would be. Her divorce wasn’t official yet; technically, they were still separated, and would be for a few months longer at least, long enough for Dimitry to get his citizenship. They’d been lazy about applying for it when they were married, and had waited until they were eight years in, which happened to be around the time their marriage had started to fall apart. Considering this was the average span of a marriage these days, it was pretty typical Dimitry, who was in so many ways an average person. For two years they tried in vain to keep the relationship alive, during which his application had gotten stuck in the system for some ridiculous yet vague reason that was still not entirely clear to her, and he didn’t get the notice to come in for an interview until things had already gone to hell between them. Now they were just waiting for the final notification. After everything she had done, it was the least she could do to wait. Not that he was entirely blameless in what had happened but she still felt bad about
it all. She still wondered if there was some way she could have found her way back to him, found a way to love him again, even though in her gut she was pretty sure there was not. Once you were gone, you were gone. No amount of marriage counseling or forcing yourself to touch someone who repulsed you could help in the end. She wished it could, she wished it more than anything, but she had tried and tried and tried and only ended up a ghost of a person by the end. Whatever she was now, at least she wasn’t a ghost.
During the several months of therapy she’d endured before mak- ing the final decision to leave him, it was this sense of selfhood that had come up more often than not. Before the marriage counseling, before the breakup, but not before the cheating, she was struggling with what she had deemed a three-pronged midlife crisis, albeit a tad early at thirty-two. One: her daughter had turned two and become a monster. Two: her career as a writer felt like a failure. Three: she could no longer stand her husband. The first two she understood would likely be temporary situations; a toddler didn’t stay a toddler forever, and she was often prone to feelings of failure in her career, being as it was not the easiest path in life to write and sell books. It was the third problem she couldn’t quite get a grasp on, especially as months passed and it only got worse. She kept trying to pinpoint what it was she couldn’t stand about Dima, if they were small, fixable things, or if it was just him as a person she could no longer be around. It was the fact that he left town so frequently, left her alone with the tiny beautiful monster they’d created, left her alone with the books she wrote that no one read. It was the fact that they were always poor, and never seemed to be getting less so, despite his long absences for work, the exact absences which had initiated the process of her hating him. It was the fact that he could talk about little else than their daughter’s speech delays—some of which she believed to be his fault, for talking to her only in Russian and being so absent. That he had long ago stopped being fun, that she could no longer stand to hear the sound of his voice. So many small reasons, but not
a divorce-able offense, nothing big she could point to and say, yes, that is the problem, the one unresolvable thing. They all seemed like unresolvable things, small as they were. Added up together, they felt like a whole.
“It sounds like you might not be in love with him anymore,” her therapist January suggested early on in her treatment. It may have even been her first appointment, it had been so obvious.
“But what does that even mean?” Mina asked. She had of course considered this option before, but couldn’t decide if it was true or not, because she couldn’t quite figure out the definition of what they had felt for each other then or during the years prior. It was, after all, a rather philosophical question. And the problem with philosophical questions was that they didn’t have answers. This was why she had never been able to finish any courses in philosophy in college, maybe it was even why she wrote mysteries—they always re- quired an answer. When a person was murdered, there was always a murderer. In real life, you didn’t always find out who that was, but in a book—in a book, there needed to be a definitive solution. An answer with a bow and ribbon, handed to the reader like a present, payment for sticking it out. “What does it mean to love? We’re married. He’s a good dad. I love him in some capacity.”
January didn’t have an explanation for her. She was a half-retired psychologist who accepted Medicaid. How could she unpack such a complex idea as love? How could anyone? The word was too heavy with meaning, and yet no one could really say exactly what it meant. The feeling was a chameleon, always morphing and re-morphing, just out of reach. This was why she could never write a romance novel. Romance felt far more mysterious than a mystery. If it wasn’t, half of all marriages wouldn’t end in divorce.
“What does it mean to you?” January asked. Typical ther- apist response, but it was a good question. She really had to think about it for a long time. It was what made her like January, what
made her decide in that moment that she would keep returning. She loved when people asked questions that actually made her have to think. It didn’t happen often, and when it did, Mina noticed.
“That you care about someone almost more than yourself,” she finally decided. “That you know them.”
“Do you love this other man you’ve been seeing? The one from your gym?” she asked.
She considered this for a long time too. She loved fucking him, that was for sure. They’d been sneaking around for months at that point and the desire for him had not abated. It was honestly the best sex of her life. But she didn’t know how deep her feelings ran, and she didn’t have the mental space to really understand what they were doing or why. And he was not much of a deep thinker, so he had even less access to his own feelings. The few times he had told her anything remotely vulnerable was when he was completely wasted. Not that he needed to tell her he cared for her to know; she could see it in his eyes, in the way he touched her leg, both absently and with ownership, when they talked. She just had no idea how deep the feelings went, if they were real or merely a mirage created by sharing so many intimate moments. If she didn’t know, how could he?
“I care for him, and I like him a lot, but I don’t know him. Not really.” She paused, trying to reflect on it further. “I don’t think I trust him enough to love him. He’s kind of…a mystery. But that is part of what intrigues me, I guess. He’s the opposite of Dima.”
“Hm,” January said, writing something down in her notebook
and underlining it. “That’s an interesting word to use. You said you write mysteries, yes?”
She nodded. She could guess where January was probably headed with that line of questioning. It was not something that had escaped her attention either.
“Do you see this man as…a mystery that needs to be solved?” she asked her.
Mina almost laughed, hearing it said aloud. “No, nothing like
that,” she said. “I don’t want to solve this one. If I solve it, it stops being fun.”
“Fun. You used that word before too. So, that’s all this is to you…fun?” she inquired.
“It’s definitely the biggest part, yeah. We have a lot of fun. And we have insane chemistry in the bedroom. I’ve never experienced anything like that before.”
“Well…sex isn’t everything. Is he someone you can see yourself being with? Long term?”
“I try not to think about that. He’s never going to leave his wife,” she said. And, knowing how cliché it sounded and still unable to keep from saying it, added, “Not that it makes any sense to me at all. He doesn’t even like her. She’s boring and never wants to have sex with him.”
January swallowed, looking at her. She understood then that it had been a mistake to bring up the wife. It’s always a mistake to bring up the wife. She had learned this the hard way.
“I think it’s important to understand what you’re getting from him that you’re not getting from your husband,” January said. “It sounds like the two of you have been under a lot of stress. Maybe you could find a way to have fun with your husband again?”
The answer was no. No, there was not. She had spent months trying to figure that out. Even at the time, she was pretty sure the answer would be no, but she still said she would consider it. “Maybe you can go on a date,” January had suggested. “Rekindle
that spark, the one that’s missing from the bedroom.” “We never had that spark,” she said.
“Never?”
“No. Never,” she admitted. This was likely the root of the problem, the one with her body, that she had buried away her sex drive in a box so deep she had forgotten it was even there. Until she met Matthew. And although she had forgotten about her vagina, her body had not. Suddenly, that box she had buried opened up
and shot its way out like a bullet, trying to make up for lost time, not caring who got hurt in its way.
And it had hurt people. A lot of people. If she hadn’t spent so much time thinking about the collateral damage, she might have been able to find a way to be single again, or to even date. But her mind was still too mired in the guilt and shame of it all. Or maybe it was too mired in him. She still wanted Matthew, even after everything. She still got excited when she saw the model of his truck driving past in the street, even while knowing it wasn’t his. It was some kind of reflex she really needed to unlearn if she was going to regain her sanity one day. Same with the desire to have sex with almost any tattooed man she talked to more than five times. This was why she was going to stay far, far away from Dylan, her only remaining friend from the gym. The guilt probably had something to do with her letting him register the car under her name too.
