Precious little sleep, p.20
Precious Little Sleep, page 20
Establishing independent sleep is far easier at bedtime than at naptime. You can make mistakes, be inconsistent, etc., and still end up with a successful outcome. Naps are a greater challenge. Tackle the easy stuff first to bolster your confidence and firmly establish that, yes, this is a possible thing.
Independent sleep at bedtime leads to better nighttime sleep for everyone. You and your child will have better success with independent sleep at naptime when you’re all well rested.
Short term, working to establish independent sleep at naptime often results in crap naps. Crap naps combined with short or splintered night sleep can create a huge sleep debt for your child, which is counter to your goals of establishing healthy sleep. Having healthy sleep established at bedtime helps to reduce the crap-nap sleep debt.
If you’ve nailed the first three conventions and your child is confidently sleeping independently at bedtime, it’s time to kick off your Nap Master Plan!
Your Nap Master Plan
Step 1: Select the SWAP/SLIP you want to commit to.
If you had success with one of the SWAPs at bedtime, start with the same method at naptime.
If you found your attempts with bedtime SWAP to be a frustrating mess, feel free to skip them all and move on to SLIP.
If you started directly with SLIP at bedtime, you could continue with SLIP at naptime or consider one of the SWAPs as a starting point for naps.
I generally prefer initially approaching naps with one of the SWAPs. Fostering independent sleep is more challenging at naptime than at bedtime because the drive to sleep at naptime is relatively dinky; your child will likely struggle far longer to master it. With both SWAP and SLIP, you should expect that it will take many days or weeks to fully establish independent nap sleep. While things often go surprisingly smoothly, it’s possible that your nap SLIP plan may involve weeks of tears.
So if you’ve got SWAP alternatives that might work, try those first. Think your 3-month-old is too old to nap in a swing? Borrow one from a friend and try, just in case. Your mother-in-law is coming to visit for a month? Babies often go down more easily for people who are not their parents—put Grandma on the case and see what happens. Get creative.
But what if you’ve tried everything and are getting nowhere? Or you’re going back to work and your 9-month-old only sleeps latched on your boob and the lovely daycare ladies refuse to offer this service? Or you’re finding that the methods that used to work aren’t working at all anymore? Then start with SLIP.
As discussed previously, you can start with any of the SWAPs and switch to SLIP later. If, however, you begin your nap plan with SLIP, you are firmly committed and should stay the course.
Step 2: Fully commit to your new plan for at least 5 days.
It will take more than a few days to see whether your new plan is working. Your child has been falling asleep one way for most or all of their life. Adjusting to a new way will take time. Accept that, at first, naps may be hard or nonexistent.
Start with the first nap of the day. Do your wonderful wind-down routine, use your words, and use the SLIP/SWAP you’ve committed to for 1 hour.
If your baby falls asleep before the 60-minute mark, then huzzah! Let your child sleep until approximately the time they would have normally awoken from this nap. Generally, this means letting them sleep as long as they want. But don’t let baby sleep so long that they won’t reasonably be ready to go down for their next nap. If your 9-month-old baby is still asleep at 11 a.m. and they typically take a second nap at 2, you’ll need to wake them to stay on schedule.
If, on the other hand, baby falls asleep briefly (more than 20 minutes) before waking, naptime is over. Sometimes parents feel that the nap was too short and they attempt to extend the nap. This rarely works out although you’re welcome to try. A micronap is better than no nap: this mini-nap is a win. Your child has just fallen asleep a new way. This is huge!
If your baby is still not asleep after 60 minutes, naptime is over. Go about your day until the next scheduled naptime. Yes, your child will be tired and fussy. And keeping them awake until the next naptime is no picnic: it means no stroller rides, no car trips... Even a 5-minute nursing (or feeding) nap can throw things off—if they start falling asleep, you may need to tickle their feet, take off their jammies, etc. Do what you can to ensure that they aren’t sleeping before next nap.
If your child is taking two naps a day, repeat the process for nap #2.
If your child is still taking three naps, you may want to deviate slightly for nap #3. If the results of naps #1 and #2 are encouraging, experiment by continuing the process for the third nap. If, however, the first two naps were a bit of a slog, it’s often better to have the third nap happen on the go—in a stroller, in the car, or while babywearing. It’s okay in this instance to break the cardinal rule of consistency. Often babies still need a third nap but won’t easily take one, so even parents of champion nappers find themselves taking Baby out for a 20-minute stroll around the block. Nevertheless, while it’s fine to be a bit loose in how the third nap happens, don’t go back to whatever it is you’re trying to wean off. If you have a baby who only naps on your chest on the sofa, don’t let Baby sleep on your chest for nap #3 (and in this case, babywearing would be off limits too). If you have a baby who only naps if being nursed to sleep, don’t nurse to sleep for nap #3.
Some babies will get through day 1 with many tears and little to no sleep. You may both be feeling fatigued and stressed out. As a general rule, you want bedtime to happen at the same time every day, but in this case it is often wise to shift bedtime 30 to 60 minutes earlier.
For some babies, rough naps will continue. Most kids will start falling asleep within a few days, but some particularly strong-willed babies will successfully fight naps for weeks. I say this not to scare you but to let you know that it’s possible.
Puny sleep drive + ingrained sleep habits + change = time.
Each time you give your child the opportunity to practice napping in the new way, you’re strengthening her ability to do it the new way and you’re weakening the propensity to do it the old way. Try to resist the temptation to go back to the old way just this once.
Step 3: Evaluate your progress.
Take detailed notes about what happened at each nap for your 5- to 7-day trial run. Here are some signs that you’re on the right track:
It takes less patting/visits/tears for your child to fall asleep than it did when you first started. We’re not looking for perfection—just a trend from more to less.
Naps are longer than when you first started. Don’t compare to what they were before you started your plan—compare to day 1 of the new way of doing things.
Your child is falling asleep independently. Depending on the starting point for your nap plan, any independent nap sleep should be viewed as a positive sign!
Don’t get too freaked out about short naps right now. It’s like riding a bike without training wheels: things will be a bit wobbly the first time, but they’ll even out with practice. Any independent sleep is a huge accomplishment—your child did something they couldn’t do before!
Here are some signs that your plan isn’t working:
It’s been a full week of absolutely no naps.
Your instincts tell you that the SWAP you’ve been working with isn’t right for you and/or your child.
In an ideal world, I would provide you with a clear, user-friendly flow chart to determine the best path forward. But the reality is that naps are a challenge. If you’ve been diligent with the first three nap conventions, you should see some nap sleep occurring no matter which SWAP/SLIP you selected for your plan. However, it is possible that you could do things perfectly and still have a child who refuses to nap for a full 7 days.
This may be a sign that the SWAP you’re using isn’t the right one for your child or that you haven’t given it enough time. It’s time for a gut-check: What do you think?
If you elected to SLIP, it may be that your child needs more time. Kids can and do fight naps. You put them in a dull, safe place with as much soothing as you can, at a time when they should reasonably be ready to sleep, but the rest is up to your child. Most kids will figure things out within 7 days. Others will need longer.
Once you start down the path of SLIP, you are committed. Before you start, you and your partner need to be clear that [nursing or feeding to sleep/co-sleeping/rocking to sleep/pacifier use] is no longer on the table for naptime. Full stop. Even it if takes longer than you might hope.
Stuck with Craptastic Naps?
What if your baby is 6 months old or more, you’ve nailed independent sleep, you’ve got a big gold star on the Nap Ninja sticker chart, and your child still can’t nap longer than 35 minutes?
It may be that your child has become habituated to short naps. But habits are not forever things: you can change them. Except for the coffee habit—you’re stuck with that for life.
There are two methods to break the short nap habit.
Method 1: Disrupt the sleep cycle
Nap duration is usually military-precision predictable: you know exactly when your child is going to wake up. This is helpful, because you’re now going to wake them 5 to 10 minutes before they regularly wake up. Slightly jostle your child while they’re still in the crib—not enough so that they’re standing there waiting for you to pick them up, but enough so that you see a bit of eye fluttering. Often this will disrupt your baby’s sleep/wake pattern just enough so that they fall back into deep sleep. Continue this pattern for 5 to 7 days, after which your child should have re-habituated to the new, longer nap sleep pattern and voilà! no more short naps for you.
People are resistant to this strategy because they fear that waking their child up just a little bit will result in even shorter naps. But it’s often extremely effective, and, worst case, if you do inadvertently wake them up fully, you’ve only shaved a few minutes off an already short nap.
Method 2: Bore to sleep
It’s not easy to fall back to sleep after a short nap—even a micronap can deflate all your accrued sleep pressure. It’s even harder when the alternative is “play with Mom or Dad.” You are catnip to your child. This is a good thing: it’s evidence that you have a closely attuned relationship, that you are properly stimulating and responsive to your child’s interests, and that you’re a veritable chocolate fountain of fun. The downside, however, is that your child will happily forgo sleep to enjoy your enchanting company.
When you’re initially teaching your child to nap independently, you go get them when they wake from a nap, even it was inordinately short and was clearly not enough sleep. You’ve asked them to figure out how to nap independently, and they’ve done so! Celebrate the win and go on with your day.
That being said, this is one area where I am often proven wrong (this is the one and only one instance—on everything else I am 100% right), so you may want to experiment with giving your child a chance to fall back to sleep after a micronap (anything under 30 minutes). Leave them alone in their quiet, dark, safe sleep space, which should be inherently boring. Ideally, it’s so boring they fall back to sleep.
How long you wait is up to you, but I would encourage waiting at least 15 to 30 minutes. If your child complains for 20 minutes then falls back to sleep for an additional 30, consider that a success. If your child complains for the full 30 minutes after every nap for weeks, you may graciously concede defeat.
This applies for only the first two naps of the day. The third nap (if your child is still taking one) is generally short no matter what. Get them promptly when they wake from the third nap.
Lastly, have faith: your child will figure out how to take longer naps eventually. Or they’ll go to kindergarten. But definitely one of those things will happen, and probably both.
When Your Child Drops a Nap
After months of working on your nap ninja skills, you will have developed a certain degree of confidence in your nap ninjaness. It is precisely at this moment that your child will start fighting naps, making you feel like you need to turn in your nap ninja blackbelt because, clearly, you are a ninja fraud.
Don’t do this. You have earned your ninja blackbelt and should wear it with pride! (Also, it helps hide postpartum muffin top.)
Chances are, your child is getting ready to drop a nap. Dropping a nap is rarely a binary process where one day Baby needs and will happily take a nap and the next day, not. Sometimes the transition is rocky. It’s also difficult to deduce if your child is ready to drop a nap or you’re simply facing one of the thousands of other niggling issues that can plague naptime (regression, illness, phase of the moon...).
Luckily, dropping naps falls roughly on a predictable(ish) schedule.
Schedule of Nap Dropping
3–6 Months
Newborn babies often take as many as six to eight naps a day, but by about 3 months of age, your baby should have settled into a three- or four-nap-a-day pattern. By 4 to 6 months, they’re down to just three. Usually, this is a nontraumatic event. In fact, it’s generally a happy one, as bedtime shifts earlier.
6–12 Months
Somewhere in this 6-month period, your child will drop the third nap.
If your baby is taking long, chunky naps at 6 months (an hour and a half or more each), they may be getting sufficient daytime sleep with only two naps. However, many babies take shorter naps and thus need the third nap until closer to 9 or even 12 months. Chances are that as your child gets older, that third nap will not happen in the crib but will be more of an on-the-go event: napping while being carried, in the car, in the stroller... or even a pithy 10-minute drowse while eating. Which raises the question, “Am I supposed to be driving my child around every afternoon forever?”
No. You will get a brief reprieve until they start school, at which point you’ll be driving to baseball, swim lessons, dance class, etc. as a matter of course until they go to college. But I digress...
There often comes a time when Baby needs but won’t easily take a third nap. You can force the issue by taking a leisurely walk in the stroller or you can choose to skip it. Feel free to skip it if nap #2 is late or is long enough that Baby can comfortably make it to bedtime. However, for some babies, skipping nap #3 leads to “awake too long” or “bedtime too early” problems, making a brisk walkabout generally the better choice.
12–18 Months
Babies drop from two naps to one somewhere between their first birthday and 18 months. Do some babies drop to one nap earlier than this? Yes, but it’s rare. Don’t assume your less-than-1-year-old is ready to drop to one nap just because they throw a couple of rough nap days at you.
Let’s be honest here: the two-to-one nap transition is often a bit sloppy and can drag on for weeks. Many parents get stuck with a toddler who takes nap #1 from 9:00 to 10:30 but is steadfast in their refusal to take a second nap... which is challenging, as now they’re awake from 10:30 in the morning till 7:30 in the evening, an eternity for a toddler. Conversely, if you try to keep them awake until it’s time for their afternoon nap, they’re melting down like Jell-O in the sun.
There is no sleep alchemy to navigating this transition. Mostly you just push through and have faith that on the other side is a verdant Narnia where your toddler happily subsists on only one nap.
18 Months–3 Years
Most kids are still napping on their third birthday. Sure, lots of 2-year-olds prefer not to take a nap. But if your child is under 3, it’s more likely that while they may not want to nap, they still need a nap. Remember the cardinal rule of kids: you can’t make them eat, sleep, or poop. But you can make them go to a dark, comfortable, safe, dull place every day at the same time. What they do in there is their business. It’s your business not to confuse their desire to not nap with not needing to nap.
There are a small percentage of toddlers who are done napping as early as two. If it seems like yours might be one of them, you have my sincere condolences.
3–5 Years
Most kids stop napping entirely somewhere between the ages of 3 and 5. Some lucky parents are weaning their kids off napping just before kindergarten. But for most of us, the Age of Napping will end between 3 and 4 years. Trust me when I tell you that no matter how frustrated you may feel right now with your progress on the nap front, when naps finally do fade off into the distance, it’ll be like saying goodbye to your best friend.
Here are some signs that your child may be ready to drop a nap:
Afternoon and/or evening naps are making it hard for Baby to easily fall asleep at bedtime.
Naptime becomes a battle.
Long naps become short naps.
The morning nap is fine, but Baby can’t fall or stay asleep for the afternoon nap.
The morning nap gets short or ceases to existent.
Kiddo refuses to nap no matter what.
Bedtime is becoming a battle.
Your child is falling asleep fine but waking up and staying awake for a long window during the night.
Morning wakeup time is creeping up on you (6:30 a.m. becomes 6:00 a.m., then 5:30 a.m., then 5:00 a.m.).
Surviving the Transition Phase
There maybe be a few weeks or even a month when your child needs a nap but adamantly refuses to take one, or when a previously long nap is resolutely stuck at 20 minutes. During this phrase it’s a tossup as to who will feel more cantankerous about the nap situation: Baby or you.
There is no magic elixir to make the nap-dropping phase go more smoothly (if there were, I would sell it and be rich as Croesus), but here are some things that may help:
