Precious little sleep, p.26
Precious Little Sleep, page 26
4. Commitment is the foundation.
I hate the word try. When parents tell me they’ll “try” something, it’s a clue that they aren’t really committed to change. You can “try” yoga or a new cake recipe, but when it comes to limit testing, it’s a firm “do.” We can talk about reward charts, nightlights, and bedtime routines until the stars fall from the sky, but the reality is that the details of your plan don’t matter half as much as your level of commitment to making change.
5. Give your child as much control as you can.
We’re constantly saying “no” to our kids. No, you can’t put that in your mouth. No, I won’t buy that for you. No, you can’t ride the dog like a pony. Let them be the boss whenever humanly possible. Ask them what they want their bedtime routine to be. Sure, the last step is “Mom or Dad says goodnight and leaves,” but everything up to that point is entirely up to them. Let them pick their jammies, books, songs to sing, etc. Say no as little as is necessary.
6. Set kids up for success.
The Marshmallow Test tells us something we already know: little kids have no self-control. Giving young children a ton of freedom at bedtime and requesting that they not take advantage of it is setting them up for failure. One of the many beautiful aspects of the crib is that it creates a physical barrier. Some people call cribs “baby jails,” but that suggests your child has done something wrong and is being penalized. Putting up physical barriers (cribs, baby gates, closing doors, etc.) is just acknowledging the reality of your child’s age and maturity. Speaking of which...
Moving to a Big-Kid Bed
Moving your toddler out of the crib and into a big-kid bed is a lot like giving them the car keys: you are presenting your child with a huge amount of freedom and power that is almost guaranteed to be used in nefarious ways.
People often think their child has “outgrown” the crib and might sleep better if they had more space. However, the best-case scenario is that your child sleeps in a bed as well as they do in a crib. The freedom and mobility of a big-kid bed doesn’t fix sleep issues—it generally exacerbates them. It’s important, therefore, to be clear with yourself about why you’re moving your child out of the crib, so you can be sure it’s the right move.
Good reasons to move to a big-kid bed
Your child is continually climbing out of the crib and potentially hurting themselves in the process. You’re awakened at 2 a.m. by a crash and find your 2-year-old crying on the carpet. Both of you are stunned by what has just happened. But don’t panic (yet): often kids try this once or twice, realize that crashing to the floor isn’t as much fun as they expected, and stop doing it. Some parents cover the floor with pillows, like a Turkish spa. If that helps bring you some peace, feel free. Also, please send pictures! If, however, your child is a committed crib climber, it’s time for a big-kid bed.
Your child is legitimately old enough to not need to sleep in the crib anymore. Typically, this is after their third birthday. As your child gets older, their ability to moderate their own behavior increases, so they’re physically able to understand and execute family rules such as “Stay in bed when it’s bedtime.”
Less good reasons to move to a big-kid bed
To solve sleep issues. As mentioned, swapping beds is unlikely to fix things and likely to make things worse.
You need the crib for a new baby. Prepping your first baby’s room was a full-time job complete with color coordination, accessories, and personal touches gleaned from your design inspiration board. Subsequent babies don’t get this sort of white-glove treatment. Despite the minimal design approach for subsequent children, it’s natural to think that you need to free up that crib for the new baby. However, if your child is younger than 2 1/2 and it’s financially feasible, I would encourage you to simply invest in a second crib. If your child will be 3 or more when the new baby arrives, or if getting a new crib is simply not realistic (due to money, logistics, etc.), you may need to transition your child to a big-kid bed. Ideally, you should make this change 3 to 6 months before the new baby’s arrival so that your child has no sense of being pushed aside to make room.
Making the Move
When it’s time to move to a big-kid bed, develop a solid plan so that the transition is both effortless and fun for all involved. While in theory, you could go back to the crib if things don’t go smoothly, the reality is that reassembling a disassembled crib requires a PhD in mechanical engineering. So once you’re done with the crib, you’re done.
Make it safe.
Some kids will continue to stay in their big-kid bed until you come and get them. But others will get up to wander about on silent cat feet without your knowledge. If you haven’t already done so, make sure there are no safety hazards in their bedroom (furniture that can tip over, exposed power cords, accessible electricity outlets, choking hazards, etc.), because your child will now have access to these things without you present.
If your child has access to the entire house, consider the very real possibility that they’ll leave their room without waking you up. Are there safety hazards that you should be concerned about? How are you going to handle those? Is there a way to confine your child to a subset of the house by installing a baby gate at the end of a hallway? Go into each room your child could potentially access and ask yourself, “What sort of shenanigans could my 3-year-old get into here?” The answer is almost always, “A whole lot!”
Make a plan
You could just show up one afternoon with a toddler bed and say, “Look, Bubs, you’re sleeping here from now on. Cool beans, right?” But I don’t recommend it. Instead...
Talk to your child about moving to a big-kid bed before moving to a big-kid bed. This is a great lunchtime conversation. Never make it about the new baby. “We’re giving all your cool stuff to the new baby” doesn’t feel good. Imagine if your husband asked for your engagement ring back because he needed it for his new younger wife! Right?! So make it all about them. “We’re getting you a new bed because you’re getting bigger and you need space to grow!”
Get your child involved. If you’re buying a new mattress or headboard, allow your child to help pick it out. Let them pick out new sheets and choose a new stuffed animal as their special “big-bed sleeping buddy.” This is fun stuff, and kids love being empowered to make decisions!
Talk about the big-kid bed rules. (Hint: They’re pretty much the same as the crib rules.) What can they do if they can’t fall asleep? What can’t they do? Are they allowed to get out of bed without you? Are they allowed to leave their room? Often it’s helpful to make a visual chart with pictures (get out the glitter glue!).
Give gentle reminders. “I love you, peanut, and I’ll come to get you out of bed with big hugs and kisses when it’s time to wake up in the morning!”
Consider a visual cue to remind your now-mobile child that it’s not time to get up. If you don’t have one already, this is another time the nightlight on a timer comes in handy.
Frequently, the transition to the big bed is an uneventful affair and your child will be thrilled with their “fancy new bed!”
Sleep and New Siblings
No matter how long it takes you to get sleep stuff on track with your baby, there are good odds that eventually you will consider that it might be a good idea to have another one.
Even outside of the realm of sleep, bringing a new baby into your family is a huge transition for your existing children. They’ll have to share you. And while preschool kids are amazingly good at a whole host of things (giggling, nose picking, exploring) they’re notoriously bad at sharing. But there are many things you can work on before and after your new baby arrives to help your older kid(s) adjust more easily.
Before baby arrives
If you’ve got any lingering sleep struggles with your existing child, you’ll want to come up with a plan to sort those out well in advance of Baby’s arrival.
Practice patience and waiting for desired activities or results. Parenting a newborn means you won’t be able to be as responsive to your existing kids, so practice delayed gratification now.
Carry your older child less and practice safe behavior when crossing the street, in a grocery cart, etc.
Don’t do anything for your child that they are capable of doing for themselves. Step stools are helpful. Consider making an accessible snack drawer that your child can reach without your help.
Make big changes (bed, potty) well before Baby arrives so there is pride in growing up instead of feelings of being pushed aside.
You are in charge, the child is not. This is a great time to establish clear boundaries.
Playgroups, preschool, and playdates are a great way to help a child get used to being around other kids.
Have an established individual “quiet time” so your child gets used to being by themselves. Practice going out of the room (and coming back): “I’ll be back to play with you in 10 minutes.” This helps develop independent play and gets them used to the idea that there are other demands on your time.
Refer to the new baby as “our baby.”
Remember that children are adaptable. They won’t be scarred by this experience. This is a new kind of family life!
When you give birth
Try to prepare your child beforehand for the idea that you will be gone for a few days. Create some transitional objects: record bedtime stories or songs, make a photo album of the two of you together, or ask them to take care of something (feed the fish) while you’re away. Bake a cake together and put it in the freezer so you can have a little party when you get home from the hospital.
Hide a surprise around the house, call from the hospital, and tell your child how to find it.
Keep your child’s routine as regular as possible.
Give them an “important job” to do, like calling friends and family to tell them about the new baby.
Bring a photo of them to the hospital and make sure it’s somewhere they can see it when they arrive.
Do not allow other guests to visit when your older child comes to see you in the hospital, and try not to have the baby in your arms when your child arrives. They’re really most interested in seeing you!
If you choose to get a celebration gift for your older child, pick something that reflects that they are bigger and older, which is a good thing.
Back at home
When you come home, have somebody who is not Mom carry the baby into the house.
Try to carve out 24 hours without visitors so you all can snuggle together and begin to establish the “new kind of family.”
No matter how well you’ve prepared everybody for the change, there will be some conflicting emotions. Don’t tell your child how they feel about the baby—“Of course you don’t really hate the baby!” Try to normalize their feelings: “Sometimes it’s hard when things are different from what you’re used to.”
All feelings are okay and should be validated as such: “Sometimes you miss being the only one.” But also set limits: “You don’t have to like the baby, but you cannot hit the baby.” And don’t freak out—hating the new baby is not a predictor of their future relationship!
The older child shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for feeling angry or jealous: “Sometimes it’s hard to be the older child.”
Never apologize for the baby’s existence or for the change in your family dynamic.
Communicate in many ways that your child is irreplaceable: “You are my favorite 3-year-old in the whole world!” “Lindsey is so lucky to have you as an older brother!” “Look how she smiles when you talk to her!”
Talk to the baby about the older child where the older sibling can overhear you: “Did you see your big sister at the park yesterday? She loves to climb that big tree! Someday she’ll teach you how to climb it too.”
When an activity with an older sibling is interrupted, clarify that it’s only temporary: “I must feed Max right now, but I’ll be back to finish building this tower with you.”
Occasionally “ask” the baby to wait for you to finish something with your older child.
Try not to deprive your older child(ren) of attention, but don’t go overboard either. Don’t pile on the gifts or treats associated with birth. This sends a guilt-laden message that can communicate that your child should feel uncomfortable about this change.
Give your child more grown-up privileges.
Schedule one-on-one time with your older child, not because of the baby but because you enjoy them and want to spend time with them. Ideally, this time is predictable and happens at the same time every day.
Nursing or feeding tends to be the most jealous time. Keep a basket of toys, snacks, books, audiobooks, music, drawing supplies, etc. at your nursing station. These are special things that are only used when nursing or feeding.
Invite your older child to sit next to you. Cuddle. Have them help you. Make up stories together. Have them “read” to you and the baby while you nurse.
Use Baby’s natural reflexes to show your older child how to get “finger hugs” from the baby (your newborn will clench her hand around his finger). This is a great way for them to gently interact instead of getting big overzealous toddler bear hugs.
Pets and lovies can be helpful.
Imaginary playmates often emerge at this time. This is normal and totally okay!
It is best to allow the child to take the lead. Let the sibling relationship develop at its own pace. Do not try to force or control the relationship.
Take lots of pictures of the kids together. Have fun with it!
Beware the New Baby Bed Bounce
Most kids seem pretty unfazed by a new baby for the first 3 to 6 months. My working theory is that for a while, they view the baby’s arrival in the same vein as a long visit from Aunt Matilda: vaguely unpleasant but mercifully brief. But sometimes, once your older kids come to understand that the new baby is indeed a permanent fixture, sleep problems can erupt.
This is the New Baby Bed Bounce. A few months after the new baby comes home, your older child starts fighting bedtime, skipping naps, or waking up periodically during the night. This tends to be a rough time for parents who are just getting over the challenging newborn phase (again), so it’s easy to get panicky when your older child starts having sleep problems—“Et tu, Brute?”
Consider for a moment that the arrival of a new baby is a HUGE deal for your older child. At first it’s exciting—people are visiting, cupcakes are involved. But eventually that ends, the baby is still there, and the baby gets All. The. Attention.
So from their perspective, it’s entirely reasonable to start fighting sleep in order to garner some of your precious time and attention. When your 3-year-old starts calling for you at 2 a.m., you’re going to come rushing in (nobody wants to wake the baby), so your child gets your immediate and undivided attention while expending very little energy. And it’s hard for you to set firm limits at this time. It’s a huge transition, and many of us feel guilty and miss having one-on-one time with our much-loved older kids.
This isn’t to suggest you should let your guilty heart let things continue as they are, or that you should feel guilty. This is a time of transition. Your threesome just became a foursome (or your foursome, a fivesome, etc.). That takes some adjustment from all parties. But it doesn’t mean that kiddo gets a free pass to go romping about in the middle of the night.
The New Baby Bed Bounce is a plea for your attention. Instead of providing that attention at bedtime (or 2 a.m.), try to carve out time during the day. Ideally, this is time that your child can predictably count on each day that is focused entirely on them. Maybe it’s 30 minutes where you play in the sandbox while a 13-year-old you’ve hired pushes the baby in a stroller. Maybe, instead of washing dishes, this is what you do when the baby naps. It’s easy to get swept up in a new baby’s needs. But it’s still crucial to carve out some dedicated time to connect emotionally with your older children. Making this happen can be enormously challenging (even more so for single parents) and requires some creativity. Don’t be shy about asking for help, calling in favors, or spending a little money.
All of the strategies for limit testing also apply to the New Baby Bed Bounce. New babies are amazing but also enormously draining, so it can be hard to find the fortitude to make glittery bedtime charts and stick to boundaries with your older children. But this investment of your limited time and energy will pay off in not having to coax your toddler back to bed at 3 a.m. for the next 4 months. You don’t have to let waking up all night leave you and your toddler sleep deprived and cranky. Healthy sleep is no less crucial to your older child now than it was when they were the baby.
Sleep and Multiples
About 3% of births in the U.S. are multiples (twins, triplets, etc.).4 If you are one of these rare families, you’re probably doubly or triply interested in how to establish healthy sleep for your kids. You also have the well-earned respect of the rest of us, who struggled mightily with our singles. So may I say, we, collectively, tip our hats to you!
Happily, everything in this book applies to your multiple kids too. There are, however, some important addendums that parents of multiples should consider:
Multiples are far more likely to be born prematurely (over 50% of twins and 90% of triplets are premature). If your baby was born prematurely, you’ll need to be extra mindful about ensuring a safe sleep environment, as preemies are at higher risk of SIDS.5 You’ll also want to use their adjusted (not actual) age when following guidelines for how long they can be awake, etc. Preemies take time to catch up to their full-term peers in terms of sleep, so don’t consider yourself a failure when your 3-month-old twins are still taking 20-minute naps. Swim in your own lane. Have faith. They’ll get there when they’re ready.
