Decimation, p.7
Decimation, page 7
Magnus made a face. “In other words, I’m mentally licking people?”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way, but I suppose.”
“Gross.” She shuddered.
“That’s why you focus on… licking yourself.” That sounded both wrong and enticing to watch.
Her scowl deepened. “Double gross.” Her tone went flat.
I shrugged. “You don’t like it, then learn to feel yourself and not me.”
“Ugh. God, I wish you could feel my disgust right now.”
For a moment, I was certain I could, as potent as any emotion I’d detected before I lost my power. Like the empathic version of a ghost limb.
“All right. Focus on finding me.” Magnus screwed up her face and squeezed her eyes shut. Seconds ticked away, turning to a minute, and then two.
She let out a loud huff and pried one eye open to look at me. “Any more details about how to do that? Also, if you could want a little quieter, that would be swell.”
“I’m doing what I can to mute it.” And I was. I would spend eons telling Magnus all the ways I was drawn to her, but forcing a mental onslaught on her was different. “You remember what I told you at Maeve’s? To look for the lines of magic? It’s similar to that. I wish I could describe it better.” I thought for a moment. “Say you walk into a pitch-black room, filled with blankets, towels, and pillows. Soft things. Fuzzy things.”
The look Magnus gave me was pure disbelief. “Nap time?”
“Pay attention.” My snap was intentional. I recognized her joking was a way to hide her frustration, but this needed at least a level of seriousness. “Your job is to find the velour pillow. You can run your fingers over everything, and some you’ll instantly know aren’t right. There will be others that feel too similar. A quick touch won’t tell you which one you’re looking for. You need to pause. Consider. Examine. And you need to be okay with the fact that sometimes you’ll get it wrong.”
The last bit of my statement made her scowl come back. “All right, let’s do this.”
We spent the next three hours with her delving inward again and again. At some point, the quips faded, then vanished. When the only words out of her mouth were filled with frustration, we’d hit a wall.
“You need to stop for the night,” I said.
“I don’t have it yet.” The edge in her voice sliced the air.
“I told you at the beginning, this takes time and practice. If you do it while you’re drained, you run the risk of injuring yourself or getting it wrong more and more, even if you know what you’re doing.”
Magnus closed her eyes. “Just one more try.”
“No.” I forced the command into both my voice and my emotion.
“I can’t walk out of here without anything, and I can’t come back for a few days.”
“You don’t have nothing. What you learned today is going to help, even if you’re not all the way there.”
She sank back into her seat, and her entire body seemed to melt into the cushions. “How did you do this for so long?”
“The same way you do anything—you push through because you don’t have a choice.” I could mention the fact that I gave up. That it broke me eventually. That wouldn’t help her right now.
Magnus gave a tired chuckle. “Yeah. Why are you in Detroit?”
“I’m looking for a way to defeat Vidar.”
“And you didn’t think to loop me in?”
I raised my eyebrows. “As you might say—are you serious right now?”
Magnus shrugged.
I’d go through the reasons. It was a short list. “Would you have taken my call? In addition, there’s no way I’m putting you in Vidar’s path.”
“In my condition?”
“Yes.”
She clenched her teeth and a growl escaped.
There was that whisper of emotion again. Almost as if it was pushed into me. The frustration. The impotence.
I was familiar enough with my own to know this feeling wasn’t mine, but that didn’t mean it was anything other than a ghost of the past. “I’m not being unreasonable, looking out for you, and neither are your friends.” It was easy enough to guess I wasn’t the only person who wanted her to be more cautious than normal because of her pregnancy.
“Is it as reasonable as you deciding to fight possibly the most powerful god there is, without any power?” She countered.
“That’s different. What I choose to do only impacts me.”
“It’s a fucking death sentence,” Magnus said. “If you wanted to die, I could’ve left you to Johnny.”
“I have to do anything I can to save you and Nico.” I had to try. There was no other option.
“Then it doesn’t only impact you.”
I gave her a tight-lipped smile. Her argument wasn’t perfect, but it was a decent counter.
This visit had to end soon. As much as I wanted to keep her here, it wasn’t safe. As much as I wanted to spend the entire night talking, in a way we’d rarely had a chance. Perhaps have her go get Nico. Take the time to just be us.
Because I couldn’t have that, I slipped a thumb under a leather cord that hung around my neck, and removed the crystal. I crossed the room and held it out for her.
“Oh.” Magnus’s gasp was one of recognition. “But no. No more trinkets or external objects to silence the noise.”
“As far as I know, this won’t work on you. It never impacted me when I wore it. It simply kept me from influencing others. You left it behind after the three of us…” I frowned, unsure how to finish the thought.
“After we found out you lied.”
I wouldn’t argue with her, especially about that. “I never claimed otherwise.”
She took the leather cord from me and held it so the crystal was at her eye-level. “If it’s not to help me block things, why give it to me?”
I wasn’t sure. “Nico gave it to you to protect you from me. It doesn’t need to do that anymore, but sometimes gifts like that become more. I still want you safe. If you don’t want it, you can return it to him.”
She was quiet for a moment, as she let the crystal fall into her open palm. “He’s going to wonder how I got it.”
Wasn’t that an interesting revelation? All this talk about lies, and, “He doesn’t know you’re here.”
“I’ll tell him.” Magnus sounded more like she was reminding herself than assuring me. “But he’s more angry with you than I am. Who knew that was possible?”
Was it about the same thing he originally left me over? I suspected as much. That I’d been part of TOM. That I’d meddled in so many lives. I could assume his anger had surged again because the memories were as fresh as if they were new, but I didn’t want to do that. I’d rather talk to him.
Not that I could take back what I’d done—no more than I could with Magnus—but I could do things differently moving forward. Overall I didn’t know how I felt about any bit of the information.
“Me neither,” Magnus said in response to words I hadn’t spoken. “And thank you for not judging me for keeping the secret.” She took a deep breath, and slipped the necklace over her head. “No secrets. Take me with you.”
I gave her a puzzled look. “To…?”
“Whatever has you here, looking for information to defeat Vidar. Let me help.”
“Anubis has me here.”
Magnus stared me down. “You think that means no, but it sounds like a good reason for me to join you.”
“All right.” Regardless of what I wanted, what I or anyone else told her, she was going to do what she wanted.
“Like that?”
“You’ll go see him without me, you’ll do all of this regardless… This way, if you’re with me as my guest, things are more likely to go smoothly.” Unless I found out Magnus had some sort of ties to Anubis I didn’t know about. He interred her grandfather, or built her grandma’s hotrod or something. “I’m waiting for him to get back to me, but when he does, I’ll let you know.”
She stood, and it took every ounce of my willpower to not step closer. To not wrap my arms around her and steal a kiss.
Magnus held up a finger and pushed me back, only a few inches. “You gotta stop with that.”
“Not likely.” Not because I was cruel, but because I couldn’t help but want her.
“Was this how you felt in the garden, when you were helping me get my Valkyrie powers back?”
“No.” It was true, I’d felt every single pulse of desire that came from her. The difference was, I’d wanted to act on the urge, and she wasn’t interested in that from me.
“Never assume,” she said softly. “I do need to go. Thank you.” She vanished from the room.
I hated the empty spot she left in the room. Hated knowing that it may be another century before I saw Nico again. Hated that I had to involve her in what I was learning, to have any chance of keeping her safe.
I couldn’t stop her from going after Vidar, any more than she could me. This might buy me the time I needed to figure out how to keep her safe in any fight that happened.
Because I was going to save Magnus. And Nico. It didn’t matter what it took. I’d make sure Vidar was destroyed and they could live the lives they wanted.
NINE
NICO
When Fen and I returned to their living room, only Dahlia remained.
“Magnus needed to step out. Deal with all the feels,” she said.
I wasn’t surprised. Bragi used to do the same thing.
That memory was as fresh as all the others, and it twinged inside me with longing. It couldn’t have been easy to deal with that, and seeing Magnus share struggles Bragi had drove the point home.
“You’re welcome to join us in the bar.” Fen spoke up. “Drink. Watch the dancers. Or not.”
“I think I’ll follow a bit of Magnus’s lead.” I had never been much of a pub person. Even though I was working at one when I met Bragi, I’d been a cook, tucked in back, away from the patrons.
Neither Dahlia nor Fen seemed offended by my answer, and they wished me a good evening.
In Magnus’s place, I felt a bit lost. I’d spent decades sitting home and reading, yet this moment of respite was foreign amidst the bedlam of the last few days. Her apartment was as sparsely decorated as my home, which made me feel like she existed here, rather than living.
In a way though, she was like me before I’d remembered my past. Not that she was able to forget hers, but until recently she’d been lost. In places she didn’t recognize as hers. That was a portion of what drew me to her at Bragi’s, when she was injured. She didn’t seem sure of her place in the world, and I knew the feeling.
My gaze drifted to Magnus’s room, where my suitcase sat. Each time I looked around the apartment, my attention fell back there. I still had Bragi’s journals.
That was the last thing I wanted to waste my time on. I didn’t need the nudge anymore, now that my memories had returned.
Reading his words, his unfiltered observations about the world, meant seeing his motivations.
I didn’t want that.
Yet, I was drawn to the leather-bound books. Within a few moments, I was sitting in a chair in the living room, starting from Page One. I wanted to read the entirety through an unclouded mind.
His words drew me in, like they had a few days ago. Even when Bragi was speaking to a page, there was a cadence to his stories that was compelling.
There were stories in here about more than me. An archive of others he knew.
There was a tale about him and Loki causing mischief. Another about an encounter with Finn and Gwydion, and a disagreement between them.
While trickster gods weren’t as prolific as gods of war or fertility, there was at least one in every pantheon. The gods like Bragi, who represented specific elements of a culture, were the ones who tended to be the most diverse.
There were a couple of stories about a woman named Skye, a mortal witch who had a mechanical creativity that Bragi seemed to adore. She sees a beauty in the ugliness of metal that most men can’t comprehend. She’s working on a device she says can build utopia, and it’s a vision I wish could be brought to life.
When he talked about Macha, a Celtic goddess, his language was similar. As brutal as she is loving, she can drive men to destroy kingdoms with their swords one day, and rebuild them the next by sheathing their weapons in good women.
The paragraphs about me were the hardest to read. I let my gaze drift over flowery language and metaphor, and tried not to hear his voice whispering the words in my ear, as he had once upon a time.
I was absorbed in his past to the point that I was startled when Magnus said, “Hey.”
My head shot up to find her in front of me, a few feet away. Dark circles lingered under her eyes, and exhaustion radiated from her.
“Are you all right?” I hated seeing her in any sort of discomfort, especially like this.
“Tired. Overloaded. Need sleep.”
I’d take that all away from her if I could. Wrap her in comfort and be her peace for the night.
As the sentiment spilled through me, she almost smiled. “I’d love to have you join me, for cuddles, when you’re done with that.” She nodded at the journal I held.
Bragi’s musings could wait. I set the book aside, joined her in the bedroom, and stripped down as she did.
This thing that we’d never done before now—sharing this intimate space, sharing a bed—was comfortable and familiar. How was that possible?
It didn’t matter.
We climbed into bed, and I held her as she pressed her back into my chest.
This had to be wreaking havoc on her mind, and the best thing I could do for her was be an island of calm. At least I could do that, though.
This couldn’t continue. This running and chasing and never having answers and always looking over our shoulders. I couldn’t do this, and neither could she.
I was tired of hiding from the world. It would be easy to blame my withdrawal on Vidar. On Bragi.
It had been my choice from the start, and it was time for me to stop. I had to figure out how to help Magnus and her friends and myself in some way other than being a cuddle buddy.
How?
As Magnus climbed out of bed in the morning, I couldn’t help but recline and enjoy the sight. It didn’t matter if she was tired or alert or angry or happy, she was stunning. Always.
She stretched and I drank in her elongated form. The way her strength and softness blended into a statuesque frame. Was she starting to show signs of the pregnancy? That barely there bump?
My gaze landed on a leather cord around her neck, and I frowned. Was she wearing that yesterday? Not when we were at Tatiana’s.
“I thought you’d discarded the remnants of the crystal Maeve gave you.” As I spoke, my mind processed the worn strap—so dark brown it was nearly black. It looks familiar, but most cords like that looked the same from a distance.
She looked down, and her hand flew to her chest, covering a portion of the necklace but not all of it. “I did.”
“Is that something you picked up last night while you were out?” I didn’t need to interrogate her about her jewelry choices. I wouldn’t do the same if she wore a shirt I’d never seen before.
This piece was different. Why did I know it?
She moved her hand and slipped her thumb under the cord, pulling the attached crystal free. “Yes. I picked it up last night.”
It was mine. Rather, it had been. I used it to keep him from influencing me, and I’d given it to her to use for the same purpose.
She’d left it behind when she and I walked away from him the first time.
If Magnus had it, unless she’d gone back to Bragi’s house and searched the ashes for it, she’d gotten it from him.
I didn’t know why she would go out of her way to dig it up if he couldn’t influence her anymore, and it didn’t look like it had survived a weather-worn, war-torn house.
She’d gone to see Bragi. She’d kept it from me.
Which realization upset me more?
“Why?” I asked.
Magnus kept her distance from me, fiddling with the crystal. “I need his help controlling the flow of emotion. I didn’t know if I could tell you.”
Yet, she’d let herself be caught in the deception.
I’d seen how badly this could fuck with him—feeling what others felt—and he was familiar with it. I understood why she thought working with him would be helpful. But, “You can’t see him again.”
“Excuse me?” The apology vanished from her voice and posture, and she straightened. “Did you just… I can’t?”
“No. You don’t know who he is or what he is.”
“I have a decent fucking idea. I’ve spent more time with him in the last few decades than you have. I know what he’s capable of.”
“You don’t.” Did I? My memories were beginning to slot themselves into an order. The rage I had at him when he gave up, that wasn’t fresh anymore, but it was still potent. I still recalled watching him slide into apathy. “Lying to you about Dahlia was only a hint of what he’ll do for himself.”
“He did it to keep us sa—.” As the words passed Magnus’s lips, she snapped her jaw shut and her eyes grew wide. “This isn’t about him, it’s about the fact that you just gave me an order—one you question yourself, by the way—and who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?”
I didn’t question my resolve. I didn’t doubt my inability to trust Bragi. Reading his journal last night hadn’t filled me with sympathy or reminded me of the man he was before the world beat him down and the weight of their worries became too much for him to bear.
“If an experienced driver says these conditions aren’t good for high speed, don’t go fast, if a skilled swordsman says this blade is dull, don’t use it, then you listen. I am telling you, this man is going to hurt you again. Don’t go back to him.”
Magnus scowled. “First of all, if anyone tells me don’t, then I probably do. There’s a difference between an order and here’s my knowledge and my recommendation, do with it what you will. All of that aside, you are not an expert on the people around you. I have my own opinions and life experiences, oh, and right now, I can feel how honest he’s being with me. How much of the truth you’re telling me. I don’t fucking want to, but I can. And he’s not the only one hiding things from himself.”
