My kind of perfect, p.23
My Kind of Perfect, page 23
“Earlier today in the beer tent, why did you leave so suddenly? It seemed kind of abrupt.”
“It was getting crowded,” he said after a slight pause, and I knew that the usually honest and authentic Matt was being a little evasive.
“It wasn’t that crowded when you left,” I answered. “Unless you’re talking specifically about Jayden and Skylar showing up.” I decided to be direct, thanks to that wine making me bold.
He looked over at me, the lowering sun casting just enough glow to bounce off his tan skin and make him golden. “Well, I guess you caught me. I left because they showed up.”
“Why?”
He paused again, his gaze as direct as our words. His eyes were intent on mine, his voice was quiet and calm, his chest rose and fell with a sigh, and my breath caught in my throat.
“Lilly, I like you,” he said on that sigh. “It shouldn’t come as a surprise that I’m attracted to you and that it’s something I want to explore, but if you’re not interested, if you’re still tangled up in your feelings about Tag, or if you think this Jayden guy has something to offer, I’m not going to stand in your way. I won’t stop being your friend, but I’m also not going to compete for your affection, because it’s just not my style.”
My heart ka-thumped like a square wheel inside my chest because I wasn’t sure how to respond. “I’m not expecting you to compete, Matt. I didn’t invite Jayden to the festival. He came with Skylar.”
“Okay.” He paused. “But you did go biking with him, and now you’re going on the ghost tour together.” He frowned as if the words weren’t easy to say, but he was determined to say them anyway. “I’m sure that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, but I’m sorry, Lilly. You know how this island is. Everyone talks, and everyone is telling me—no, they’re warning me—that you talk to him all the time and that there’s something going on between the two of you. Honestly, that’s your business, and maybe it’s none of mine, but I don’t want to get caught up in the middle of something and end up on the losing end. So, when Jayden showed up today, I just . . . I decided to take myself out of the picture before people around here started nattering on about seeing the three of us together.”
He sighed again, more deeply, and for the first time since I’d known him, Matt seemed uncertain. For every rough and difficult story he’d told me about his past, he’d rarely shown any sense of injury or regret. Only Matt telling the story as he knew it, with no emotional embellishment. But now he seemed a little bit vulnerable, and it made my heart ache in a strange, unfamiliar way, a way loaded with both compassion and attraction because he was putting his feelings on the line, and I knew that wasn’t easy.
“That was probably dumb and shortsighted of me,” he continued. “But . . . I guess . . . given what happened with . . . given what has happened to me before, I just don’t want to get caught off guard again. I don’t want to fall for you if you’re busy falling for someone else.”
His declaration made that ache double and my attraction triple. “Are you falling for me?”
He turned to stare. “What do you think?”
I couldn’t help but smile then as my pulse flickered and my heart fluttered. “I think you are.”
A smile toyed at the corner of his lips as well. “I think I am, too.”
The moment hung suspended as his gaze locked on mine, like he was trying to draw me closer with just the power of his sapphire-blue eyes, but then he blinked and looked away, breaking the spell.
“But,” he said with a soft, sardonic chuckle, “you are a very busy woman, Lilly Callaghan. You have a lot of things and a lot of people in your life pulling you in different directions. I don’t want to add to that noise. So you have to figure out what you want, and when you’ve decided, then you should tell me.” He stood up and moved to lean against the railing of the balcony, turning to face me but from a distance, as if he needed that physical space between us, and I understood what he was saying.
And I wanted to tell him right then that there was nothing going on between Jayden and me. Not technically, anyway. But I couldn’t deny that it was within the realm of possibility, that each time Jayden and I were together, there was the potential for something to happen, and I couldn’t even swear that I didn’t want it to. Even if it led to nothing. Because he was Jayden Pierce. And because he was fun and attractive . . . and he seemed a little interested in me, too.
“Does that make sense?” he asked at my hesitation.
“It does make sense.”
I took a gulp of my wine as a butterfly floated by, and suddenly it hit me . . . what the hell was I doing? What the hell was I waiting for? There was Matt right in front of me, glorious, wonderful, real Matt, saying he was falling for me, while I took my own sweet time trying to figure out what to do about that—as if choosing a man were like perusing a box of chocolates.
Because that’s all Jayden was. He was candy. For all the moments I’d spent over the past few weeks imagining fanciful scenarios of what-ifs with him, I’d always known, deep down, it was all just smoke and mirrors. A shallow, futile infatuation, and I needed to shut the door on those illusions because there wasn’t really such a thing as a sexlebrity list. Not in real life. Matt didn’t owe me a free pass with Jayden just because Jayden was a movie star, and he also didn’t deserve for me to keep him wondering where he stood.
Or where I stood.
He’d been patient, and chivalrous, and a good friend, but I’d be a fool to keep him waiting in the friend zone for too long. Because Brooke was right. Matt was a hot commodity, and as much as I hated to admit it, Emily was right, too. A fling with Jayden would matter to Matt, and I could be throwing away a chance at my kind of perfect on something that wasn’t even real.
Because the reality was it was Matt who gave me the tingles every time I saw him, and Matt who hugged me when I cried, and Matt who rubbed my shoulders when they were sore, and Matt who brought me food he’d made himself. It was Matt who asked questions that challenged me, and Matt who’d been nothing but honest and authentic. Giving up on the fantasy of Jayden was no sacrifice at all, really, because what I was reaching for was genuine and precious and definitely worth exploring.
I stood up and set my wineglass on the little table next to my chair. Then moved slowly in Matt’s direction.
“Jayden is fun, Matt, and I can’t deny that this movie stuff has been a bit of an ego boost, but it’s all just pretend. I know Jayden’s attentions don’t have any substance. There are no real feelings between us.”
“Pretend feelings can be just as confusing as the real thing, Lilly, and I’m still not sure where I fit in that scenario. For all my talk about life’s hardships leading to growth, I’m not sure that me sitting around stewing in jealousy is actually doing me any good.”
“Are you jealous?” For some reason that surprised me, because he always seemed like he was above that sort of thing, but his reaction proved me wrong.
“Of course I’m jealous. I don’t give a shit about him being a movie star or being rich and famous. I don’t care that he can drop five grand at the drop of a hat to buy some old car, but I do care that he’s got you so distracted. And I hate that it makes me feel like I don’t measure up.”
He ran a hand through his hair and stared at me as if trying to see into my heart. “Lilly, I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to figure out where my value comes from, and right now, I hate feeling this mixed up. And I hate that I don’t trust my own judgment when it comes to you,” he added quietly. “That’s why I’m just trying to step back and . . . protect myself until you decide what you want.”
Everything inside me settled into place as I realized he was appealing to me as much as he was explaining. He was asking me not to toy with his emotions, and not to break his heart, and I knew in that moment that I wanted to make him feel safe and loved and valued in just the same way he made other people feel.
The way he made me feel.
I moved closer until I was right in front of him. With him leaning on the balcony railing, our faces were nearly level as I gazed into his eyes.
“I do know what I want,” I said, my voice soft but certain. Because I did. It felt as if I’d just decided in that moment, but really, I’d known all along.
His eyes traveled over my face like a shy caress. “That wasn’t supposed to sound so much like an ultimatum, you know,” he said, his own voice husky but soft. “If you’re not . . . falling, then you’re not falling. You can’t force it.”
I smiled and leaned closer, certain it was time to give poor Matt Eastman all the attention and affection he deserved. He’d been very patient, and the truth was, I’d wanted to run my fingers through that hair of his since the first day I’d come home and seen him standing on that overturned barrel. I’d wanted to press my palms against his broad, muscular chest and kiss his beautiful mouth and the curve of his neck and all the other places, too.
I reached up and ran my fingertips over his jaw, feeling the slight prickle of today’s whiskers. “Are you trying to talk me out of this?” I asked.
“Definitely not.”
“Okay, then. I know what I what.” I said it decisively, and he inhaled sharply.
“Well, it had better be me, then, because if it’s not, you’re standing way too close.”
I laughed then, and his own chuckle was full of optimism and relief.
“I’m right where I’m supposed to be,” I said. “Here. With you. This is where I want to be and where I choose to be.”
He smiled and pulled me close.
The night had grown dark all around us, with only the lights from the lampposts on the street below and the hallway light from inside the house giving us any illumination as I pressed against him and felt the dizzying heat of his body and the erratic thump of his heart. He wrapped his arms around my waist, then ran his hands up my back, drawing me even closer. I looped my arms around his shoulders as our faces were just a heartbeat apart.
This was the best part of a first kiss. The anticipation. The clamoring hearts and the tentative sighs. The searching eyes and the luxury of knowing that something wonderful was about to happen. And when Matt’s lips grazed my cheek, I closed my eyes and knew that, yes, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
And when he kissed me, ah . . . at last, I knew that in his arms was exactly where I planned to stay. All my senses swirled and merged into one big arc of longing as he held me tight. His kiss was perfect. Full of promise and hope and cravings that I couldn’t wait to satisfy even while knowing I could never get enough of him.
The Universe, just to make sure that we’d gotten the message, sent fireworks into the sky overhead, bursting with shimmering light. Or maybe it was just Clancy and the guys from the fire station starting the Lilac Festival show, but either way, there were definitely fireworks.
Chapter 24
“And where were you until all hours of the night last night, young lady?” Gigi asked as I stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen just in time to join her and Emily for the long, peccadillo-filled stroll to church. Chloe had spent the night at a friend’s house, so she wasn’t around, which was why Gigi felt so free to point out the fact that I, too, had slept over at a friend’s house.
Well, technically I’d slept at the Dunnigan House, and technically there had been almost no sleeping, but explaining all that would’ve just complicated matters, and we were late for Mass. And I was so late for confession.
“I was out,” I said primly. As primly as I could while suppressing an irrepressible grin. I was happy this morning. No denying it. One simple kiss on the balcony under the fireworks hadn’t been so simple after all and had led to a blissful marathon of the best sex I’d ever had. Like so very the best sex ever.
I’d considered Tag skillful enough between the sheets, but my previous dating history had been sketchy at best and I’d had little to compare him to. Now I knew, and I sighed with latent satisfaction at the delicious memory of last night, because as it turned out—not surprisingly—Matt did not fumble in the dark. In fact, there wasn’t a moment or a caress or a whisper or a stroke or a nibble or a kiss that I would’ve changed. It was perfect. Everything was perfect. Matt was perfect. Other than having Zelda and Gatsby standing next to the bed staring at us all night in canine curiosity, each second of it had been simply . . . perfect.
“I know you were out. Where were you?” Gigi said, all but waggling a finger in my face, although I suspected she was more proud than upset. Gigi loved it whenever anybody got some. Emily seemed suspiciously pleased as well, leading me to believe she assumed I was with Matt rather than Jayden. And of course she was right.
“If I keep living here, are you always going to be this nosy?” I asked, slipping my feet into the sandals by the front door before we all walked out onto the front porch and into the early Sunday morning sunshine.
Gigi scoffed at my question. “Honey, I’ll be this nosy whether you live here or not, so I suggest you spill it. You look as smug as Mr. Whiskers does when he brings home a big, fat, dead mouse.”
“Which one is Mr. Whiskers?” I asked, skipping down the steps toward the sidewalk.
“Oh my gosh! Stop avoiding the question!” Emily snapped good-naturedly. “Who were you with? Please tell me it was Matt.”
I cast her a glance, and that was all it took to confirm her suspicions. She clasped her hands together gleefully as if her horse had just come in first at the Kentucky Derby, and I wondered if maybe she had put money on this race. It wouldn’t be the first time. I’d grown up so sheltered on this island that I was the only chaste one in my entire dorm at college, and allegedly there’d been a wager on when I’d finally lose my virginity. Apparently one of my classmates won $200 from that pool, and all I’d gotten was fourteen very unsatisfying minutes with a kid named Dave who never bothered to take off his socks. I don’t just mean during our lackluster sexual encounter. I mean he literally never took off his socks. Rumor was he had an extra toe—which I did not know about until afterward. Sadly, that was the only interesting thing about him.
But Tag and Dave and any of my previous quasi-mediocre partners were now solidly in my past. In fact, if I’d known then what I knew now, none of those guys would have made it past second base. Even Tag, which made me feel just a little bit sorry for him. Emily had tried to clue me in on all this last summer, when she’d warned me against a relationship with such an older man, and she’d tried to steer me toward Matt even back then, but I’d refused to listen. No wonder she was feeling so victorious this morning. This was her ultimate I told you so. And this time, I didn’t even mind.
Saint Bartholomew’s was sparsely attended this morning. It typically was the Sunday after the festival, thanks to those dueling beer tents, but there were still ample holier-than-thou glances directed my way. Today, I didn’t mind that so much, either. I wasn’t exactly sure who knew what, because no one had seen me go to the Dunnigan House last night, and no one—to the best of my knowledge—had seen me walking home in the early-morning fog at five o’clock this morning so I could get at least a few hours of sleep. I’d left Matt without waking him because I knew he’d insist on walking me home, and then we’d be busted for sure. Maybe he could convince someone he was just up getting ready for sunrise yoga, but no one would believe that about me.
After the church service, it was the usual rigmarole in the yard of Saint Bart’s, with islanders approaching the chief to complain about flower beds getting trampled as people found spots for yesterday’s parade, Judge Murphy wanting to remind my father that Geezer Night Poker had been moved to Thursday at Sudsy’s house, and Dmitri standing way too close, as if he was literally trying to sniff details off me about my evening’s whereabouts.
“You’ve been doing a lot of work on that movie,” he said after the usual greetings. “How’s that going?”
“Good. It’s been fun. How about you? Have you been enjoying it?”
“Sure. I’ve done a few scenes and enjoyed myself. Maybe not as much as you, though. Maybe you should head off to Hollywood when this one is a wrap and try your luck at acting.”
“Mm, I don’t see that happening.”
“Why not? You’ve obviously made a good impression on the director. And that good-looking actor kid. Maybe tonight when you go on the ghost tour you can ask him about that.”
I could tell Dmitri that I’d decided not to go on the ghost tour that night. That instead I planned to be back at the Dunnigan House with Matt, leaving DNA all over the floral velvet settee they had in the library while Zelda and Gatsby paced nervously on the Axminster rug next to us, but no. Any information I offered, even to confirm or deny Dmitri’s interests, would only be used against me somehow. The less he knew, the better.
Fortunately, my sister Brooke showed up and pulled me away under the guise of discussing something of the utmost importance.
“Thanks for the rescue,” I said as we walked from the yard of Saint Bart’s and toward Joe’s Cuppa Joe.
“You’re welcome, but there is actually something I wanted to ask you about,” Brooke said. “I hope you don’t mind, but I promised Leo. Let me grab us each an iced coffee first, and then we can talk. Do you mind waiting?”
“Of course not.” My curiosity was tantalized as I sat down on a bench in a shady spot overlooking the bay. Brooke joined me just a few minutes later and handed me a plastic cup.
“Leo doesn’t think I’ve broken the law, does he?” I teased, even while wondering if the Dunnigans had inside security cameras that may have caught Matt and me standing naked in their kitchen during a midnight snack attack. That would be awkward.
But Brooke chuckled easily. “Nope, not as far as I know. This is actually a non-work-related question and more of a personal-favor sort of thing.”
“Okay.” My curiosity heightened. Since my relationship with Leo consisted of about a dozen encounters, all within the context of family gatherings, I could not imagine what kind of favor I could do for him. I was willing enough. I just didn’t know what I’d have to offer.
