The brightness was blotted out in an instant and the camera panned up to reveal what had blocked out the sun. A gigantic alien spacecraft that turned on its creepy bottom space lights to fill the Open Air Studio with their eerie blue glow. It appeared that they were black-lights because writing appeared all over the glass of the studio urging viewers to buy their tickets now, and to buy their tickets often.

  “Huh.” I said to no one. “I guess they are at it again.”

  “So, buy your tickets today!” Chetsworth chimed in.

  The on-air light blinked off. The broadcast was finally over.

  Karen’s shrill voice boomed through the studio. “Good work team. See you all soon for the all new News at Noon!”

  I collapsed in my chair.

  Chapter 9

  “That fucking bitch is crazy.” Don said as he stuffed an entire chocolate marshmallow cookie in his mouth.

  Nobody disagreed.

  After we had discovered that Norton’s abandoned office was unlocked, we had all decided to hide in here until the ‘All New’ Evening News instead of in our own dressing rooms. It had worked so far, because unlike during our last ‘break’ where that crazy Clipboard Dictator had found us all in our dressing rooms and forced us into a two-hour ‘team-building’ exercise. So far, we had remained hidden in here. Possibly due to the fact that we were well hidden, or possibly due to the fact that we had barricaded the door with miscellaneous office furniture.

  I took a bite of my cookie. We knew that Norton had technically given the key to the stash to Mia, but we had blasted open the cabinet to get the cookies. It was an emergency and Mia would have forgiven us.

  “I am still exhausted from all of that team chanting.” I swallowed the sugar. It was delightful.

  Calamity rocked in her bubble, holding the stuffed koala wearing a t-shirt that said ‘visit Australia’ who had once occupied Norton’s spare office chair. Norton had always wanted to visit Australia, if he ever got the chance. Calamity was petting it for comfort and was ignoring all of the cookie temptations.

  “I can’t stop seeing all of those heads exploding.”

  I patted Calamity’s bubble.

  The New News at Noon had been almost stranger than the New Morning Whatever-it-was-called. It had been entirely dedicated to how terrible all the past alien invaders had been, with clips recapping all of their untimely demises. Calamity was not wrong, there had been an awful lot of exploding heads.

  I poked Chetsworth in the ribs with my elbow to get his nose out of that damn book. “Stop reading that stupid new manual and eat something.”

  “No Sue,” Chet replied, “I am trying to find out where the section on the New Evening News is so that I can prepare this time. I’m not going in blind again, not after my surprised forced puppet-show enactment of the 89th alien invasion force. Not letting that happen again.”

  “Actually, that isn’t a bad idea, Chetsworth. Find anything?” I asked.

  Don laughed to himself and Calamity actually giggled.

  “What?” Chet and I said in unison.

  Don pointed at us. “He just called you Sue and you didn’t correct him.”

  Calamity pointed at us. “And she just called you Chetsworth and you didn’t correct her.”

  “Yeah, so?” Both of us said at the same time.

  Don grinned. “You never do that. You hate each other.”

  I stumbled into my words first, “What me? No. I don’t hate him. Chetsw… Chet isn’t a bad guy.”

  “Sue…sanna is certainly better than that Clipboard Dictator Karen.” Chet added.

  “I get it,” Don grinned, “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

  “And what is so wrong with that?” I quipped.

  “Yeah,” Chet said.

  Calamity made a super exaggerated winking and repeated what Don had said but used air quotes during the word friend. She and Don collapsed into giggles, while Chet and I turned into boiled beets.

  “It isn’t like that!” I stammered.

  “Of course, it isn’t.” Calamity said.

  “It is just nice to see you two not being total Karens to each other for a change. I was pretty sure Chet was going to end up being the antagonist in this story with how it was going earlier.” Don smiled.

  I thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, I’m sorry I’ve been such a Karen to you Chet.”

  Chet replied, “Not a problem, I’ve been a total Karen to you as well Susanne.”

  “Call me Sue.” I corrected him.

  We shook hands. It is true what they say. Nothing can make mortal enemies friends faster than a combined hatred for someone else that is far worse than either of you.

  There was a knock on the door.

  “Oh, shit! We’ve been found.” Don said. “Everyone quiet.”

  There was another knock.

  “No one is here.” Calamity said.

  “You idiots. I can hear you.” Came the shrill voice of Karen, the Clipboard Dictator.

  Don made a silent motion with his hand that told us all to be quiet, so we did. He made a circle with his hands, indicating all of us, and the pointed into the distance. We all nodded in agreement.

  Don reached into the bottom drawer of Norton’s filing cabinet with one hand and then silently opened the door with his other. Karen stood there, fuming.

  “I—“ was the only word Karen got out before Don interrupted her. He threw his handful of old powdered doughnuts on the ground and they exploded upward in a cloud of powdered smoke.

  “Ninja sugar!” Don yelled as the icing sugar enveloped Karen. We didn’t wait. We all bolted down the hall. We rounded several corners, jumped down the half flight of stairs, and ducked into the old lunchroom that had been turned into a storage room. We all collapsed in a pile of giggles and adrenaline. It felt great to laugh until you couldn’t breathe, at least today it did..

  Karen’s shrill voice broke through the silent, couldn’t-breathe-anymore laughter. “Are you all crazy or something?”

  She watched us all intently while ticking off things on her clipboard. She waited until we could finally breathe again and repeated her question.

  I heard Calamity reply, “Yes.” And we started into giggles again.

  “Enough of this nonsense!” Karen shrilled, “We have a breaking news report and you all need to get to your desks. Now!”

  “Sure thing.” I replied with my best angst filled defiant teenager voice.

  I heard Chet follow up my statement with a “Mom”.

  I silently gave him a secret high-five.

  Chapter 10

  The ‘Breaking News’ that we had been forced to report wasn’t even news. It had been an advertisement for Mary Sue Winfield’s newest business venture, a gourmet market that was opening on Richard Street, disguised as news. I had to choke back the bile to even read the blatant product placement but did have a good laugh at Mary Sue’s expense. Who seriously calls their new business venture The Big Nut Market on Dick Street? What marketing team agreed to that nonsense?

  The New Evening News was nothing but talk of the latest alien invasion force and how much you could win if you guessed their defeat in the new version of the Galactic Invader Lottery, brought to you by Skipply Inc. It was painful, but at least it wasn’t Calamity in a cage with more cats and chainsaws.

  Tuesday was about as good as Monday, which made it terrible. This time we had no breaks at all because we had multiple ‘Employee Betterment Seminars’. My favourite one was the hour-long video about how powdered sugar had a 0.001% chance of causing permanent retina damage. I knew it was a long shot, but I was hoping that maybe it would happen to Karen. If Norton can win the lottery, why not me?

  Wednesday was another day like Tuesday but without as many powdered sugar seminars.

  Thursday was awful for everyone.

  I had to help Special Returning Guest Mesmo prepare the Eight Top Drinks of the Summer and taste them all. Each was sweeter and therefore fouler than the last and by the end of it I was slurring my words.

  I had to help special guest Rock Tower set up 20 glue guns for his “20 glue gun hacks you won’t belive #12!” segment, which ended up being nothing more than a 5 minute commercial for his craft emporium. That ended exactly as expected, though even I have no idea how hot glue ended up in my belly button.

  Chet was forced to give an impromptu juggling tutorial. He had a stroke of brilliance and used bowling pins from the sports dimension, so he didn’t mess it up with the provided juggling clubs. Juggling, not a sport according to Chet’s Talent. I did not know that.

  Calamity’s Corner had been filled with water and she had been forced into a swimsuit and tossed inside with both a great white shark and a swarm of angry bees controlling a miniature submarine. It went just about as well as I had expected it was going to go. That poor shark.

  Don had pulled eighteen ropes and been showered with many a thing. Slime, glitter, confetti, a pack of wild monkeys, and various other things. The only thing he hadn’t been showered with lately was the weather.

  To make matters worse, at home the maintenance request Don had put in for the elevator had been filled on Tuesday, but by filled it had meant that an ‘Out of Order’ sign had been placed on the front of it and everyone had to walk up the stairs to get home. It wasn’t so bad for Chet or Don on the first floor since they didn’t need to use any stairs at all, and I only had to go up to the second floor to get to my assigned living quarters, but Calamity had to climb all the way to the fifth floor while trapped in a large hamster ball. We only had her do that the one time on Tuesday, mostly because of the terror that had been the Wednesday morning of Calamity uncontrollably rolling down the stairs and taking out the door to the parkade, several railings, and a really rusty 1978 Ford Bronco that no one seemed to own. After that she was sleeping ‘on’ my couch, but really, she was sleeping beside it.

  Now, it was Friday morning, I tried to be positive but all I had to cheer me up was that I didn’t work weekends, my morning cup of tea after a hot shower, and my fuzzy slippers. I didn’t even have the roof to go and have a quiet moment of peace, but I suppose that also kept my arch-nemesis, the elevator call button, at bay.

  I heard the clap of thunder in the distance, but I instinctively knew that it wasn’t natural. My Talent told me that it wasn’t natural, as did the fact that the bolt of lightning I saw out the window was green and had obvious hostile intentions. I sighed. What silly Mal or Bennie had been messing with the weather again? Don was going to flip.

  I head a knock at the door and knew before I answered it that it was going to be Don. He had an annoyed look on his face and his good old Banging Wrench in his hand.

  “Yeah. I saw” I answered his question without even asking.

  “I figured,” he still gave me a smile. “Was just wondering if you wanted to come up with me to the roof, you know, for old time’s sake.”

  I smiled sweetly, “And also because it is murderous lightning that I can control and prevent from attacking you?”

  “Yes. Also, that.” Don nodded.

  We climbed the stairwell all the way up to the roof access door. I made a mental note to stop flying up stairs and start walking up them again, because climbing up six flights of stairs was way more effort that I was expecting it to be.

  Don reached for the handle and I reached for my breath.

  “Its locked?” Don questioned.

  “It can’t be locked.” I replied. “If there was a fire and people on the upper floors couldn’t get down they would need to get up here to escape.”

  “I know that. That is why I was shocked.”

  “Let me try?” I tried. “Nope. Locked.”

  We stood there for a moment in thought. I offered an idea.

  “Don, can you use your Electronic Manipulation Talent to maybe pick the lock?”

  “No, because it isn’t an electronic lock. It is on a rusty old mechanical lock that I think is actually older than this building.”

  My first idea wasn’t the best idea. My second idea was better.

  “Mia’s apartment had that window with roof access and our apartment door locks are all those old key card reader things that hotels use. Those are electronic, right?”

  “They are just barely electronic with how well they maintain them around here, but I will be able to open it if I can get the front panel off.”

  We walked down to the sixth floor and Don went to chivalrously open the door for me, but he got stuck.

  “Its locked?” He said in confusion.

  “How can it be locked? Everyone has had to use the stairs all week and a bunch of people live up there?” I questioned back.

  Don didn’t have an answer. He was just as confused.

  We went down to the fifth floor, but that door opened just fine.

  “This is so odd.” I mentioned in confusion.

  “Very odd.” Don said as he stroked his chin. “Something fishy is going on here, come on.”

  I denied that it was fishy, but admitted it was odd. Before I could ask where we were going we were there, the elevator on the fifth floor. I didn’t ask what was going on verbally, but I gave a confused look. Don pressed the button with his wrench to avoid getting a shock, and I lost a lot of my pride in that moment when I realized that for years I had been using my finger on this stupid button when I could have just used a stick or something and avoided it completely.

  “But the elevator is out of service?” I questioned.

  The elevator dinged and opened in response.

  “Is it now?” Don answered as he pushed the out of order sign out of the way. “Come on.”

  We got in the elevator. Don pressed ‘R’ and nothing happened. Don pressed ‘6F’ next, but we didn’t move.

  “See, it is broken?” I guessed.

  Don pressed ‘4F’ and the elevator chugged down happily a floor to let us out. We tried all of the other buttons, but only ‘R’ and ‘6F’ wouldn’t work.

  “This is getting really suspicious now.” Don frowned.

  I was starting to get suspicious now, I will admit that. Something might actually be up. Only my inanimate arch-nemesis could be sneaky enough as to actually be up to something. Don was feeling around the screw holes of the access panel.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Checking which screwdriver set I need to bring to open up this panel. I need to get up there to fix the weather somehow.”

  “Okay, if your plan doesn’t work in a few minutes let me know and I will just fly you up there. I am going to get ready for work and hopefully roll Calamity into the shower somehow.”

  “Your job sounds harder, so good luck with that.” Don smiled.

  I smiled back and left the elevator.

  “Where is he?” I checked my watch for the umpteenth time as I paced in the parkade.

  “Maybe he is sick today?” Freshly washed Calamity ventured.

  “No. I saw him like twenty minutes ago. That can’t be it.” I tapped my lips with a finger.

  “Yeah, I heard him walking around this morning in his place looking through his toolboxes.” Chet said and we gave him a funny look. “What? He’s loud and the walls are thin so I hear pretty much everything.” Chet offered up his next-door-neighbour-to-Don opinion.

  “Maybe he got a ride with Torrance in that sweet pink Cadillac? Don does that all the time.” Calamity guessed.

  That was true. Don did do that probably about once a month. Fixing intern Torrance’s only worldly possession, the only car in the parkade that wasn’t fluorescent yellow, because Torrance couldn’t bear to have the iconic vehicle painted. I was still worried, but that is probably what had happened after Don had fixed the weather. The lightning had stopped about ten minutes ago, but I was still worried because the clouds were more purple than normal.

  “Well, hopefully that is it.” I said, “We better get going, if we are late Karen will have us in a weekend long seminar camp about tardiness. I’m sure of it.”

  Chet and Calamity shuddered in unison.

  I sat in my news chair and straightened my hair. When I noticed that Don was not in his chair I felt the pit in my stomach that had been growing all morning explode into a barrage of fireworks. Where was Don? What had happened. I never should have abandoned him this morning.

  Karen pointed to her clipboard and the on-air light was on. The New Neutral News Network Morning Show was starting. I couldn’t do anything about it now. Once this broadcast was over I could use the break to fly home and look for him, as long as Karen didn’t notice he was gone it would be fine. My mind raced. How could Karen possibly not notice? He was one of four people on the air and he had at least three segments every morning.

  Instead of acknowledging Don’s absence from the news we simply didn’t mention him at all.

  Karen was frantically trying to fill in the lost airtime and that was how we gained our brand-new anchor, Say Yourname. That wasn’t his actual name of course, but Karen honestly didn’t know his name in the first place and had grabbed the person closest to her at the time and threw him onto the stage.

  Poor intern Torrance Lawrence had been tossed into Don’s chair and could only stare blankly at the camera, on live television, while he made a little warbling noise with his throat. Karen threw a bagel at his head to snap him out of it and told him to “Read the screen, you idiot” as she madly typed at the teleprompter input keyboard.

  “Ah-ah-ah-ah… I’m newly promoted reporter, Say Yourname?”

  Karen gave him a big thumbs up. He had likely already met the strict expectations she had set for her staff.

  “I am proud?” Say Yourname had a bit of a lapse in reading right there, “To be your new weatherman and rope puller here, on the Neutral News Network.” Say managed a weak smile.

  “Now I am going to pull this rope. Pull the rope. No, don’t say pull the rope, pull the stupid rope. Stop reading the blue text lines they are instructions. Did no one read the section on the teleprompters in the new employee guidelines? Stop Talking! Pull the stupid rope, Say Yourname.”

 

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