He hands me a lace embroidered handkerchief. I dry my eyes and wipe my nose.

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” he replies and pulls me to my feet.

  “Not for the hanky--well, yes, that, but thank you for being my friend when I was little, for sharing my father with me, and for being my friend now.” I stand on tiptoe and kiss his cheek in friendly appreciation.

  He clasps my hand to his chest. “I will always be your friend, Amirah. Always.”

  He escorts me back to the mansion.

  In the doorway to the ballroom, Blade is still standing on duty. Lorcan’s hand is still on my elbow when we enter. I feel Killian’s glare. When I find him amongst the revelers, he frowns at me. As much as it pleases me to see the pack have such a grand time, I think it’s time for me to leave.

  “Lorcan, do I have to stay until this is over? It’s just… it looks like it could go on for hours, and my head hurts. I know this celebration is for me, but I need to lie down.”

  “Give me a minute, and then I’ll make your excuses.” He walks over to Blade, says something to him that makes him scan the floor until his eyes land on me. He cocks his head to the side and takes in my red eyes and tear-streaked makeup. He nods once, motions to another warrior, then makes his way across the floor to me.

  “You wish to retire, Amirah?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Fine. It’s just--it’s a lot. Everything is just… a lot.”

  He nods slowly. “Okay, let’s go.”

  He escorts me to my room, not asking questions or berating me for leaving. As usual, there’s no judgment. At the door, he grabs the knob and opens it. Before I can enter, he grabs my arm, sympathy in his eyes.

  “Amirah, I know you have been through a lot. I know your pain is raw, your fear is real, and your heart is hurting--but tomorrow is another day. Thousands of shifters all over the world are counting on you to do what you promised to do. I’ll help you, but you’re gonna have to step up.”

  “I know. I will. Just give me tonight, Blade. Give me tonight to mourn my fathers, mourn the loss of my heart to someone who didn’t deserve it, and tomorrow, I will be grateful for all that I now have and step into my rule, whatever that may be. Please, just give me tonight.” I look straight at him, so he knows I mean what I am saying.

  He softly brushes his thumb across my chin, one slow stroke. “Goodnight, Amirah. Sleep well.”

  “Wait.”

  He raises his eyebrow, the scar through the center puckering at the movement.

  “Do you need something, Amirah?”

  “No, I just… can you stay for a little while? I feel safer when you are near.”

  Blade smiles at me. “Of course. You settle in, and I’ll come back with some cocoa. I assure you, Amirah, you are now and always will be safe when I am near. I have committed my life to keeping yours safe.”

  Blade returns, and we sit in front of the blazing fire. He entertains me with tales of his training when he was younger and the many battles he has won with such enthusiasm that I can’t stop the smile that graces my lips. I fall asleep to the comfort of his deep voice.

  CHAPTER 13

  “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” -Anais Nin

  A week after the ceremony, I stretch my arms above my head and soak up the rays of sunlight that shine through my bedroom window. My brain is overloaded with information from the past week, and I’m tired.

  Lorcan, Blade, and Killian have the job of educating me in the ways of the Chosen. Lorcan is kind and generous with his praise. Blade is tough and demanding when he teaches me the battle history of our pack. Killian works with me on ceremonies and rituals. What was once the hardest time spent learning becomes fun when Killians’ resentment toward me ceases. I still enjoy our verbal spars and matching wit against wit. I rejoice at no longer being haunted by the secrets or lies that kept me awake at night in the past. I feel completely safe. There haven’t been additional attempts on my life, and if there are any to come, Blade will handle them, surely.

  After breakfast, I head to the library to meet with Lorcan. He is already waiting for me, as usual. The walls are filled with rows of leather-bound books that lend the air a musty smell.

  Today’s focus is on the differences between the Faoladh, from which my pack descends, and the Teutonic line from Gilgamesh, which is where Red Blood comes from. The Faoladh are wolf shifters who live their life by a code. We are protectors. We are peaceful unless we need to be otherwise. We praise the Celtic goddesses and honor their goodness. The Teutonic are evil--pure evil. Tiernan and his pack of heathens fit with them fabulously.

  It’s not long before I grow weary of hearing about the Blood Thirst. Lorcan sees that I don’t want to hear anymore and suggests we walk in the garden.

  With my arm in his, we stroll along the brick path. Aromatic flowers surround us.

  “Let’s sit,” Lorcan says.

  He gestures toward the bench near a fountain that has long since dried. I sit, and he lounges next to me with his arm slung along the back of the seat. He tells me more stories of our childhood. I love hearing them, and I know that our friendship was true and is now firmly rooted in both history and the present. I wish so much that I could remember. I lift my head toward the sun and let the rays warm me.

  “Amirah,” Lorcan says.

  “Hmm?”

  “Can we talk for a minute?”

  I laugh softly. “Lorcan, we talk every day.”

  Lorcan stands up from the bench and kneels down in front of me. He takes both my hands in his and rubs his smooth thumbs along the sensitive spots on the back of my wrist.

  “Amirah, since your rescue, and especially this past week, you have grown so much. You are kind, funny, and dedicated. You’re smart and not afraid to show it.” Lorcan pauses.

  I’m confused about where this is going, but his words are very sweet. I give him my full attention. Lorcan looks off into the distance, and I can feel his stress.

  “What is it, Lorcan? You can tell me anything.”

  He looks at me and clears his throat. “Anything?” he asks.

  I nod, a little afraid of what he has to say. I can’t imagine what is making this intelligent, kind, honorable man so stressed.

  Lorcan leans in slowly, and I freeze. He places his lips gently on mine, like the brush of a feather--just as soft. He pushes harder, trying to draw me into the kiss. I don’t push him away. I don’t kiss him back, either.

  He breaks the kiss. His cheeks are rosy, and heat rushes up his face. He stands up and walks away. His stiff, retreating back and tense shoulders grow more distant with each step.

  Anxiousness fills my heart. He’s my friend, and I do not want to lose him.

  The next morning, after a sleepless night, it’s time to meet him for today’s lesson.

  Lorcan acts completely normal, as if yesterday had never happened. Our strolls in the garden continue to break up our lesson. Our bonds of friendship grow stronger. I don’t know why, but when I seek comfort, when I need someone to share my concerns with, it is Lorcan that I turn to. Being with him is like wrapping myself up in a warm blanket by the fire, snuggled in with a cup of tea.

  As content as I am when having lessons with Lorcan, I’m relieved that it’s soon time for ceremony lessons with Killian. I need his lightheartedness to distract me from the heaviness weighing around my neck, pulling it like a chain. At the window, I pull the curtain aside and stare off into the distance. I hate this. Lorcan matters, and I know I hurt him.

  A hand touches my shoulder, startling me. I yelp in surprise and turn to find Killian standing behind me.

  “I called you three times, Amirah. Are you okay?”

  “Hmm? Yes. Yes, I’m fine. Is it time for our lesson?”

  “It is. What say we take our lessons outside today? It's beautiful out.”

  “Okay,” I say and follow him to the door, still lost in thought over Lorcan.

  Killian takes the path to the gardens, and my feet falter. I really don’t want to be there. I won’t be able to not think about Lorcan.

  “Killian, can we walk somewhere else today?”

  He looks at me in askance. He’s well aware that the gardens are my favorite place to be. I don’t answer his silent question.

  He places my hand in the crook of his arm, and we climb the hills. While we are doing so, he quizzes me on the pack ceremonies. At the top, we stop and look out at the vast ocean. Spouts from whales can be seen in the distance. Gray seals and harbor seals lounge on stacks.

  Killian guides our conversation. The most mundane topics are funny when talking with him. I laugh at his jokes and rejoice in the lightness of just being in his presence. Where Lorcan is kind and caring, and Blade is fierce and protective, Killian is fun. He can make me laugh when it’s the furthest thing from my mind.

  I don’t know if it’s the calming atmosphere or just my need to get this off my chest, but I tell Killian what happened with Lorcan. I shouldn’t, and I know it--but I can’t seem to stop the flow of words from my mouth. Killian sits in silence, listening with rapt attention.

  “He kissed you?”

  “Weren’t you listening?” I hurt, remembering the pain and embarrassment I caused Lorcan. There are so many other ways I could have handled that.

  “Of course, I’m listening, Amirah. I guess I’m just shocked.”

  “Shocked? Why?”

  “It just doesn’t seem like Lorcan.”

  I nod in agreement because I know this is true. He matters so much to me. I didn’t mean to hurt him….

  I am lost in thought when Killian gets my attention in the most playful way and makes me laugh as only he can.

  “Tag!” Killian taps my arm lightly and takes off, running through a field dotted with pops of blue color from the wildflowers. Thankfully, I’m in trousers and a tunic instead of a day gown. I chase and run as fast as I can.

  When I get close to him, he turns so quickly, I lose my balance. I right myself and continue the chase. I’ve never played tag before. I’ve never had a friend or a field where I could run free with reckless abandon.

  We both laugh gaily under the heat of the beating sun. The simple innocence of the moment makes both of us feel happy and exhilarated. I near Killian again, and instead of running away, he tackles me to the ground. He slows my descent and holds me between his muscular arms, his body pressed lightly against mine.

  Suddenly, I stop laughing. We both stop laughing. He gazes in my eyes with an intensity rarely seen in one so lighthearted. His head lowers toward mine. His lips are so close that his breath is a feather touch, gently caressing my lips. “Amirah,” he whispers.

  The sound of his voice snaps me out of the moment, and I bolt upright. I push him aside and jump to my feet.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t. We can’t.”

  I see the stricken look on his face. I am sure that my face mirrors his. Only a week ago, we deplored one another. I say nothing more and flee before I hurt him, too.

  I run back to the mansion as fast as I can, stumbling over roots and rocks that dot the hillside. As soon as I enter the door, I call for Emma and Bri. Emma comes running from the back of the mansion where the kitchen is. Bri comes out of the library, a book in her hand. Concern is on both their faces.

  “What’s wrong?” Bri asks.

  “Can you just come to my room? Both of you, please, just come to my room.”

  I hurry through the halls with both of them following me, whispering to each other. Blade appears in the doorway that leads to the hall of the warriors’ quarters. He watches me as I walk past without waving. I feel his eyes on me, and I know I’m being rude--but I can’t stop for niceties and proper behavior right now.

  In my room, Emma grabs my hands in hers.

  “What happen’d to ya? Ya look okay.”

  She scans my body for signs of injury. Bri stands next to her, twisting her hands.

  “He kissed me.”

  “Killian kissed you?” Bri asks.

  “They both did.” My voice rises. My exasperation makes my face flush pink.

  “Which both ya be talkin’ bout?” Emma asks.

  “What do you mean, ‘which both?’ Killian and Lorcan, of course.”

  Frustration mars my features, and I start to pace. Emma shrugs. Amused at my circumstances, she clucks her tongue at me in that way she has when she’s going to say something outlandish--well, outlandish to me, anyway.

  “Coulda been Blade. I seen the way he looks at ya.”

  “Stop it. Blade would never--but Killian and Lorcan, they did. They both did, days apart--and Killian did it after I told him what happened with Lorcan.”

  “She’s right,” Bri says. Her voice is soft, tentative. “Blade looks at you in a certain way. Plus, Caleb told me he’s caught Blade just watching you. I think he is smitten.” She smiles shyly.

  “Stop it!”

  “How can ya miss how Blade looks at ya? A fire burns in that one, fer sure. He is hot for ya.”

  “Emma, stop. What am I going to do?”

  I look at Emma, then turn to Bri. Why are they both holding back laughter? This is not funny. I walk over to the chair by the fire and sit--then stand back up, too upset to stay seated.

  “Well, seems to me some fine shifters want ya. I guess what ya can do is pick one?”

  “I don’t want that. Emma, you know I don’t want that. You know why. They are my friends. I don’t want to lose them, but I can’t be with them that way--and I would never choose between the two.”

  “Three,” Emma says.

  “That’s not funny. Blade has never shown an interest in me, thank the Goddesses.”

  “Yes, he has. I’ve known Blade all my life, Amirah. He has. Plus, Caleb would know. Blade spends most of his free time helping Caleb train so he can climb the ranks as one of Blade’s warriors,” Bri says. “Trust me. He’s half in love with you.”

  “Listen, luv. Three of the sexiest shifters I eva laid my eyes on want ya. Why are ya complainin’?”

  “I think,” Bri says in her delicate way, “that the bigger problem is that those three, they’re best friends. They’ve been best friends for a long time. If all three of them have feelings for Amirah, and one of them knows about the other, this can create problems.” Bri addresses Emma like I’m not standing right in front of her.

  “See? See? This! This right here.” I fling my arms wildly in the air. “None of this can happen. None of this should happen.”

  “Well,” Emma shrugs again as if my life isn’t spiraling out of control at the whims of males. Again. “Just pick one and have yaself some fun.”

  “Is there one of them whose kiss spoke to you? Does one make you happy in your heart? Who do you want to be with?” Bri asks.

  “How can you ask me that? They are nothing alike.” I pause and think of earlier on the hilltop. “Killian is fun and carefree, and he makes me laugh. I think I forgot how to laugh, but Lorcan… he brings me comfort, and we share a past that keeps me close to my fathers…. He brings me companionship--and none of this matters. We are all just friends.”

  “What about Blade?” Bri asks softly.

  Throwing my hands in the air at their lack of help, I answer her because I know if I don’t, Emma will grab ahold of it like a dog does a ham bone. “Blade makes me feel protected. He makes me feel safe. Can we get back to the point?”

  “Sounds ta me that ya need to roll 'em all into one, and you’ll have yer perfect mate.”

  “I. Don’t. Want. A. Mate,” I enunciate slowly and clearly.

  “Well, they want you. Things are gonna start gettin’ fun ‘round here.”

  Emma gets up and heads to the door. “I gotta get back ta work. Ya take some time and think, ‘cuz way I see it, yer the one holdin’ the cards, an’ ya don’t wanna fold too soon.” She leaves, closing the door behind her.

  “She’s right, Amirah,” Bri chimes in. “You do need to think. Think if there’s one who deserves your time, to see if your hearts entwine--and if there’s not, think of how you will let them down gently and without causing problems amongst their friendships.” She leans in and brushes her cheek against mine. “I’ll be in the library if you need me.”

  One thing about living in the mansion: word travels fast.

  At dinner, Lorcan, Killian, and Blade are all glaring at each other. Tension blankets the mansion as thick as a winter snow blizzard. The room is filled with a silence that Malachi doesn’t even attempt to break. Killian has seated himself to my right rather than by his father as he usually does. Lorcan sits at my left. Servants whisper behind their hands as they bring in the serving dishes. Blade is more watchful, rarely taking his eyes off me from where he stands guard by the door, and when he does, it’s to throw glares at Lorcan and Killian. Caleb, on the other side of the door, is watching Blade watch me. Even Willow, Warlock, and the pups are subdued where they lay on the floor by Blade.

  Lorcan and Killian vie for my attention with their actions. Lorcan pours me mulled wine, refills my water glass. Killian picks up my napkin when it slides off my lap onto the floor. They treat me like I’m incapable of doing these things for myself and try to one-up each other at every turn.

  It’s like I have become a competition among them, and they are behaving as though I’m the prize in some rivalry that only they’re playing. No, I won’t have it--but I won’t cut them out, either. I can’t. They are too important to me.

  Disgusted with everything, I excuse myself from the table and retreat to my rooms. I have so much thinking to do.

  When darkness falls, I still cannot silence my mind as memories of time spent with each of them slide through my mind like a deck of cards being shuffled. The strain is heavy as I debate with myself until the day breaks. Should I protect our friendships--all of our friendships? Or should I allow us the opportunity to see what can become? After what happened, can I ever trust again enough to try?

 

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