Ill look for you everywh.., p.25
I'll Look for You, Everywhere, page 25
Anger swells in my stomach, burning me up until I notice I’m pulling at the collar of my T-shirt and I jerk my hand away, taking a deep breath. ‘Chiara, I’m twenty-five years old. I shouldn’t need help with telling a girl I like her.’ What the fuck have I done?
‘Oi!’ Chiara claps loudly in front of my face and my head bangs against the wall.
‘Ow. What the fuck?’
‘Would you be upset if she was sleeping with someone else? Or is this a casual thing?’ She bends down, squatting in front of me.
‘Why would you say something like that?’ The words come out rushed. Picturing Magdalen even wanting someone else is difficult, let alone fucking them. I think about Roberto, his hands over her body, buying her a drink. I pinch the end of the cigarette between my fingers and Chiara smacks her lips and grabs it out of my hand.
‘That’s not an answer.’
I breathe out, annoyed by her and the turn of this night. ‘Yes, obviously.’
‘Well, the girl on the beach didn’t know that.’ She points to where we left Magdalen and then looks at her watch.
‘Maybe I don’t know if she likes me,’ I retort. Eight tear-shaped scars, still raised and red against her olive skin, come back into my mind.
‘Oh, come on. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t know that she’s practically in love with you.’ My mind slows. Love? I want to laugh and cry, to go back into the ocean and breathe in. There’ll never be fucking love.
Standing up, I brush the dirt off my shorts. ‘Are we getting this drink or not, Chiara?’
My knee bounces so fiercely that the plastic table we’re sat at lifts for a moment and the drinks almost spill. ‘Jesus, Theo. Can you relax for one second?’
‘We’ve been here for two hours – four drinks down and you’ve been utterly no help.’ I finish off my last drink and abruptly stand up and shove my hands in my pocket to find some cash.
‘Are you kidding me? I’ve given you, like, thirty ways to apologize!’ Chiara bops her head to the disco music playing loudly in the restaurant and takes a sip of her drink, ignoring my pacing entirely.
‘You’ve given me literal shit.’ I throw the cash on the table and wipe the beer from my mouth, needing to leave immediately. ‘I’m going now.’
‘Toodle-oo!’ she calls out, and immediately gets up from the table to go sit down with a group of people at a table nearby.
‘Remember, tell her you had amnesia and forgot who I was!’
As I go to walk out onto a quieter street, I hear another voice call my name.
‘Theo!’
I groan silently and slow my pace down, deciding right now that I hate this fucking city.
When I turn around, I see Dante and Anika with linked arms strutting towards me.
‘Where’s Mag?’ Anika immediately asks when she sees me alone.
‘She was feeling tired,’ I say, unable to look her in the eye. Thinking only of Magdalen now, and the mess I’ve made.
‘She was feeling tired?’ Dante repeats and steps forward, releasing Anika and putting his hand on my shoulder firmly. What did you do, his tightening grip seems to say. I scoff and shrug his hand off me, thinking of his indifference to Magdalen when she was at the club.
‘Yeah, Dante, she was feeling tired. Maybe if you weren’t so far up Anika’s ass you’d know that.’
‘Theo.’ Anika’s voice spikes, even with the loud music playing, and maybe it’s the drinks, or the anger, or Chiara’s horrible advice, but I roll my eyes at them both and start to walk off.
‘What? You’ve never given two shits about her before. And now suddenly because I like her, you start acting like the scary big brother?’
Dante grabs the collar of my shirt and yanks me back towards him and I stumble backwards.
‘You really want to talk about who is a better fucking brother? Where were you for the past seven years, huh? Riddle me that.’ His grip on my shirt tightens, pulling me closer to him until our faces are only inches apart, his words spitting across my face.
‘We all gave you a fucking pass because Dexter’s an asshole, sure. But seven years? Seven years without a fucking word?’ He’s screaming now, the vein in his forehead bulging angrily with every word, and his eyes begin to water slightly. My eyes blur, mirroring his unshed tears, and I don’t fight him as he shoves me hard into a wooden hostess stand behind me.
‘You don’t know who I am any more. You don’t know Anika. And you sure as fuck don’t know Magdalen. So don’t lecture me on who the fuck is a better brother.’
A sharp sting rushes down my spine from where my back hit the stand and I bend forward, laughing. Enjoying the distraction from his words.
‘Being a good brother means fucking talking to her every once in a while, yeah?’
The moment I raise my head a white flash of pain shoots through my nose and I stagger slightly. ‘You piece of shit,’ Dante says with little conviction. They have no fucking idea.
When I touch my face, I discover it’s covered in something warm and wet, and realize I’m bleeding. The blood trickles evenly out of my nose and down my neck until my shirt sticks uncomfortably to me. He’s fucking ruined my shirt.
‘Dante, what the hell do you think you’re doing?’ Anika rushes towards me but I shake my head, putting my hand out to stop her coming any closer. He’s right. She shouldn’t have to fight the battles I’ve been running from all these years.
‘I’m fine,’ I spit, looking straight at Dante. He shakes out his hand and looks down at it like he’s surprised he hit me, and I have to smile. Seven years ago, Dante Savoy would never dream of risking an injury on a street fight. Maybe I really don’t know him any more. ‘He’s wanted to do that for a long time.’ I roll my neck out and groan slightly.
‘You’re not even going to deny it?’
‘Deny what?’ I say with a tired breath, trying to wipe away the blood that seems to be everywhere now.
‘Don’t play stupid, okay? You left cause of your dad, right? You left Anika all by herself because you’re too chicken shit to say anything to him and you hoped she would fix this by the time you decided it was safe to come home.’
At the mention of Anika’s name, something in me snaps and, before I know it, my hands are wrapped around his neck so tightly I feel his blood pulsing beneath my palms. I’m aware of people stopping to watch us, probably thinking this is two drunken idiots fighting over nothing, but I don’t care. I squeeze harder and Dante gags, choking pathetically as I cut off his air supply. When his face starts turning bright red, I squeeze harder.
‘Why I left is none of your fucking concern,’ I whisper in his ear so only he can hear. ‘But just know, I will always be a better brother than you. I would fucking kill anyone for her, including you, you selfish prick. Can you say the same for your sister? Have you ever spent a minute protecting Magdalen?’ I release him harshly and back away from them both. He coughs roughly, sputtering incoherent gasps as Anika grabs him and hauls him up before he falls to the ground.
‘Anika, be safe tonight. I’ll leave the key underneath the fern,’ I yell, and begin to jog out of the cluster of people now gathered around us.
‘Crazy,’ I hear Dante mutter. ‘Batshit crazy asshole.’
‘What the fuck, Theo?!’ she yells. ‘You can’t bloody choke Dante and then tell me to be safe, you idiot.’
Chuckling slightly, I pick up my pace, eager to see Magdalen. Although nothing’s changed, and it’s going to be a hard fucking graft getting her to accept my apology, I feel better, closer to who I want to be. My blood has dried by the time I make it back to the house.
I fumble with the key, the darkness watching as I aimlessly probe the elusive hole. Not a single lamp outside this villa and it’s a guessing game that I am pathetically losing as the tip of the key scrapes the door. Cursing loudly, I slam my foot into the door but immediately cringe at my stupidity. This can’t be fucking happening. I tap the door with my head in gentle knocks.
‘Theo?’ a voice whispers from somewhere to the left of me. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘San Antonio.’ I jump at the sound and try to squint through the darkness, though I’d recognize that voice anywhere. ‘Magdalen, what the hell are you doing outside?’
I remember nothing as I fall to my knees in front of her. After a few moments in the darkness, my eyes adjust and I can see her curled up on the chair, hugging herself with the sarong wrapped tightly around her. Touching her ankle, I inhale sharply at her coldness.
‘You’re fucking freezing,’ I hiss and instinctively go to pick her up, but then remember how she flinched away last time, so I pause, shoving my hands in my pockets to keep from touching her. ‘Have you been outside this whole time?’
‘I didn’t have a key.’ Her teeth chatter slightly, and dread fills me instantly. How long has she been here? Freezing while I was having drinks with another woman and strangling Dante against a wall.
‘Magdalen, let me take you inside. Please, let me take you inside.’ It comes out as a whisper.
In the darkness, I see her nod and it’s all I need. I rush to scoop her up, bringing her tight against my body.
‘It seems like you’re always saving me,’ she says weakly, embarrassed. White noise fills my mind and I fight down the rage that claws its way up.
‘Oh no.’ I press her to me closely. ‘You’ve saved me just by existing.’
Magdalen leans herself into me, already her skin feeling slightly warmer, and miraculously the key slides in. ‘You left me.’
My heart breaks. I’m surprised I can still fucking walk. ‘I know.’
‘I thought things were different now.’
‘They are.’
‘You left me. Everything’s the same.’
Unable to stand this for one more moment, I can do nothing but hold her together.
‘Hold on to me,’ I say while opening the door. When we get inside the entryway, Magdalen shudders from the temperature difference but soon enough sighs in relief, unconsciously snuggling further into my arms.
‘Okay, you can put me down now.’ She squirms a little and I release her from my grasp, feeling desperately bare without her. We stand in the dark living room for a moment and Magdalen clears her throat.
‘Let me turn the light on,’ I say, to stall, to have a few more minutes with her just near me. ‘Go get that blanket on the couch.’
Flicking the lamp on in the corner of the room, I brace myself to see her again, afraid that she might’ve already disappeared. A trick of the light. I stare at the lightbulb, my eyes adjusting to the warm orange glow. Magdalen. I think I’ve dreamed in darkness for so long because I was meant to wake up for you. Turning around, Magdalen stands there, barefoot and wrapped in a blanket in the middle of the wooden floor, so overwhelmingly perfect that I have to look away for a moment and adjust to reality. She’s not mine to make warm.
‘What the fuck happened?’
Magdalen’s gasp makes me jump, and I look at her, confused. ‘What?’
Eyes wide with horror, she lets the blanket drop in a pool around her. ‘It looks like someone drowned you in blood.’ She starts towards me, but I stop her with a shake of my head, remembering that I must look like the lead in a slasher.
‘No, no, I’m fine.’
‘Here we go again,’ she huffs, hands on her hips in annoyance. ‘Fine, you said?’ It’s so cute, so utterly Magdalen, that I bite my lip not to smile.
‘If I recall, you were the one who was fine last time.’
‘And you were the one who walked away with some other girl.’ Her voice comes out raw and my skin prickles with guilt at trying to lighten this. Eyes piercing into mine, her pain is on full display. Seeing her so hurt is fucking devastating. I step closer, needing to explain everything, but I have no idea where to start.
The silence of the house magnifies the shakiness of my breath. ‘I’m useless at this. At liking you. I’m terrified of how much I need you.’
Magdalen’s eyebrows crease in confusion. ‘You literally dismissed me. You didn’t want me anywhere near you.’
‘I slept with Chiara.’ The words tumble out. ‘The day I ran into you shopping, I called her right after and had sex with her that evening.’
I watch as Magdalen tries to process my words but she still looks confused. ‘Yeah, obviously you slept with her.’
‘You knew?’
‘Isn’t that why you didn’t want me around? So you could pick up where you left off?’
I blanche, stunned at her conclusion. ‘You think I wanted to have sex with her right after you gave me a hand job in the ocean?’
Magdalen’s eyes widen and she quickly glances at the front door as if someone will mystically appear inside the house. ‘Theo! Don’t say that word in this communal area.’ She waves her hands frantically around the living room.
‘You said it at the beach! That’s the definition of a communal space.’
‘Ah, semantics.’ She looks at me closely, eyes observing the blood crusted around my nose and chin.
‘What happened, really?’ she asks again, but the idea that she thought I was on a date with Chiara this whole time is so painful that I struggle to answer.
‘I didn’t want you to find out that we’d fucked, from Chiara. Saying you were tired was the quickest way I could get you out of there before she said anything.’
‘You made me feel really ugly.’ Magdalen looks down at herself and a stab of shame courses through me. ‘Like I was this leech, sucking up your fun while you flirted with another girl.’
‘Stop,’ I croak. ‘Stop, Maggie.’
‘Then stop hurting me.’
A wave of déjà vu hits me, at how my father would box up my mother’s pain so he could ignore it, walk over it, shove it far inside a closet and forget it was there at all.
My hands ball into tight fists at my sides to stop myself from reaching out and holding her. Where do I begin? I settle for words, for the truth, and hope she understands.
‘I see you in everything,’ I whisper. ‘I look for you around every corner, hoping for just a glimpse so that I can endure the rest of my day.’ My voice catches on the last word and I sigh, looking at the ground for a moment before meeting her eyes again. ‘I keep trying to stay away, Magdalen. Because you’re Anika’s best friend and because you’re Dante’s little sister and your father means the world to me. And my papa . . .’ I swallow, keeping my breathing even and slow. ‘Sometimes I think I’m more like him than I want to be.’
The truth, even the sliver of it I’m admitting, seems to drain any energy I have left. It would be the right moment to confess everything, right here, say it all now and pray for forgiveness later. But as much as I try, the words won’t fucking come out. I bend down in front of her, so close that my nose can graze her knee if I just lean forward an inch, the heat of her skin warming me as I reach around her, gathering the fallen blanket.
‘You’re nothing like him.’ Her voice breaks as she looks down at me. ‘But you need to stop running away from me.’
I stand up, bringing the blanket with me so that it runs behind her calves, her thighs, and eventually, as I stand up, I lay it onto her shoulders, cloaking her tightly in the knitted wool.
‘I’ve been running to try to save you,’ I say and smile tightly.
‘I didn’t think it would be this difficult to get you to sleep with me.’
We stare at each other and, within seconds, both of us erupt in laughter.
‘Stop laughing!’ she says through her giggles. ‘I thought you would be an easy lay!’
‘God, Magdalen,’ I close my eyes and groan miserably. ‘If you want me to fuck you, you can’t say “lay” again. Grossly unattractive.’ My heartbeat slows, happy to have these small moments. She gasps, shoving me playfully on the chest, and it’s easy to forget what’s waiting back in Chivasso when it’s this quiet, just the sound of her laugh and the rose bushes gently tapping against the window. I say a quick prayer.
‘You want to talk about unattractive? Your entire face is soaked in blood.’
Touching my nose, I cringe slightly at the blood caked under my nostrils and am genuinely terrified to look in a mirror. ‘Point taken. Not going to ask me more about this?’
‘Betting my life and Anika’s George Michael CD that it was my brother.’
‘How did you—’
Magdalen sighs and just reaches out her hand for me to take.
‘How did you know?’
‘The brooding bromance at the beach? The no talking? It was bound to happen sooner or later. Dante’s experimenting with his new-found masculinity. Come,’ she adjusts the blanket around herself and starts walking towards the stairs, looking back at me with a shy smile.
‘Already did.’
She gapes. ‘Grossly unattractive.’ She shakes her head disapprovingly, but her eyes are warm. A vibrant green just under the glow of a single lamp. I’m scared by how easy it is to want to follow her. ‘It’s my turn to clean you up, lover boy.’
43
MAGDALEN
‘By the way,’ I go to ask while walking along the upstairs hallway towards the bathroom, with Theo following close behind, ‘did you happen to go through my luggage?’ I hug the blanket tighter around me, trying to suppress the residual guilt I have about forgiving him. Thinking about telling my Emily what he’s done, what he’s said to me, and still walking with him, makes me slightly queasy. I should fight harder, forgive less. But I think of him bent underneath me, whispering desperately.
I look for you around every corner, hoping for just a glimpse of you so that I can endure the rest of my day.
My heart aches. No one has ever said anything like that to me before.
I open the bathroom door and stand against it, ushering him in. But he stops in front of me, smiling wickedly. ‘I may have rearranged it for practical purposes.’
‘Of course. The thong is a practical summer staple.’
‘I thought so.’ His hands reach to touch me but I see him hesitate, asking me with his eyes if it’s okay. I nod shyly, wondering if he knows how much I appreciate the consent, the relief of knowing that it’s me who decides. I never knew I needed it until someone asked.
