Ill look for you everywh.., p.27
I'll Look for You, Everywhere, page 27
Heady silence falls between us as my tongue dips into her mouth to find more, feeling like more will never be enough. There is hunger in this kiss, and she responds with equal demand, looping her fingers into the belt buckle of my shorts, drawing me in. I grind into her, aching for relief from the pressure that begins to build at the bottom of my spine. She breaks the kiss, breathless and blushing. Searching my eyes, she extends her hand, from my belt to the front of my shorts, cupping my hardness between her fingers. I inhale sharply, the slight contact enough to send me over. She looks down and then back at me, eyes glossy. As she goes to reach for me again, I grip her wrist and turn it over, planting a light kiss on her palm. If anyone is going to touch first tonight, it’s going to be me.
45
MAGDALEN
He’s everywhere. One moment I was asleep outside and now, here I am, having almost-sex with Theo Sinclair. Alassio is a fantastic city.
‘I want to feel you,’ he whispers as he grips my wrist, stopping me from touching him. His eyes are dark and impenetrable, and I know there is nothing I can say for him to change his mind.
I pout. ‘No fair. I started first.’ I take a step closer, pushing myself into his hardness. For someone who has never done this before, my body seems to know exactly what it wants.
His cheeks flush and he tips his head back in laughter, pinching my bottom lip between his fingers endearingly.
‘We have time, baby,’ he smiles at me, his eyes glazing over every part of my face as if trying to memorize it before the sun rises. ‘But right now, I need to see what you look like when you come.’
Just when I think I have a handle on dirty talk, Theo says the unthinkable.
‘Say it,’ he demands when I don’t answer, a slight edge to his voice.
‘Say what?’
‘Say I can.’
‘Okay, Theo,’ I say for the first time in my life. ‘You can.’
An exhale escapes him and he smiles so brightly I stop breathing. Taking his time, he gently palms my right side, and I inhale sharply, unused to this feeling. Looking up, he smirks. Am I an easy lay?
Almost as if forgetting that his every movement is making me achy, he circles my breast with his fingers, watching as my nipples harden beneath him. And then he takes my nipple in between his fingers, pinching slightly and I gasp, the feeling shooting down through me.
‘Does that feel good?’ He smiles knowingly. Words are still lost and I can only manage another nod.
He moves his hand to my other breast and continues the same, agonizing pattern, trailing his fingers in slow, deliberate circles. My breath quickens, the sharp pain of his fingers making me want to sink into the bed and float in this feeling. And then he pinches me again, kneading my aching breast until my back reflexively arches against the bed.
And all the while, he’s watching me. Watching me squirm as my body tries to find relief from the uncomfortable feeling that is building in the pit of my stomach.
‘Does that feel good?’ His voice is taunting. Of course, he knows how good it feels. I’ve practically melted.
‘Tell me how good it feels.’ He pinches me again and I moan, the ability to keep my eyes open getting harder the more he touches me.
‘It feels good,’ I whisper, locking eyes with him. Wanting him to know that what I want to say is: ‘You are good, Theo. You are so good.’
His lips part, his heavy breathing mirroring mine. ‘My Magdalen.’
He lets go of me and I almost whimper at the loss of contact and need to check myself.
‘Now I’m really going to touch you, zuccherina,’ he whispers, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
My knees tremble, body aching with anticipation, feeling lost and needy all at once. ‘Please, I want you.’
‘Not as much as I want you.’
His fingers dip beneath the elastic, his nail grazing across my pelvic bone. ‘My good girl.’ He smiles again and dips his finger lower, touching me fully, and I moan out loud.
‘Oh god.’
In slow, deliberate circles he touches my centre, while his other hand fists my hair, making me look at him as his fingers explore, gliding up and down, achingly slow. His fingers are wet and slippery, giving away how badly I want this.
‘Fuck,’ he hisses, looking down at where his hand circles. My hips baulk at the intensity of his touch and I look down to follow his gaze. Oh wow. Watching his fingers press and play with me is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. I rotate my hips again, revelling in the pleasure his fingers create.
‘Look how wet you are for me,’ he says, so low that I almost think I made it up.
And then his middle finger is tapping at my entrance, making small circles around my rim, dipping half his finger into me, exploring the boundaries.
Even with only a finger, the fullness of him is foreign. ‘You like me inside you, sweet girl?’ he says in my ear.
‘Yes, yes,’ I pant, unaccustomed to the need in my voice. ‘But I want more of you.’
He releases a breath through clenched teeth, pumping his finger slowly inside me. ‘God, Magdalen, you’re fucking perfect.’ His eyes are focused on my centre, mesmerized by his own fingers inside me. He pushes his finger more and I wince at the slight pinching sensation.
But Theo catches my eye. ‘Just like that, yes.’ His gaze searches mine as he curls his finger to rub against the walls of my insides and now I’m wincing for a different reason. My body clenches around him to find relief, testing the pleasure. Theo hisses slightly and pulls his finger out to circle my rim again before diving back in, pulsing his finger slowly in me. God, this can’t be legal. This is what I’ve been missing? How is he destroying me with one single finger?
Just when I’m feel myself tightening around him, Theo removes his finger, leaving me to feel empty. ‘You’re gonna come with me inside you,’ he says gruffly, pulling my underwear down and tossing it across the room. ‘Is that okay, Maggie?’
‘I think so, yes,’ I say shakily. ‘I’m on birth control, by the way.’
‘Is that so?’ Theo grips the back of my knees and pulls me further down on the bed. ‘So I get to feel you bare?’
I try to close my legs, desperate to control this building ache inside me from the way he’s looking at me and hearing those filthy words. Theo must notice and keeps my legs open, blatantly staring at me, eyes hooded as he kneels off the bed, undoing his belt in one motion, and his shorts fall to the floor.
‘I’m trying to savour you,’ he says, palming himself over his now tight boxers, his hardness visible underneath the black fabric.
‘You get this entire weekend, remember?’
‘Summer,’ he says darkly. ‘I get the summer.’
I hope, I think, but don’t say anything. Coming back onto the bed, I lean up and take the opportunity to slip my fingers beneath his boxers, tugging them off.
‘There you go, undressing me again,’ he chuckles, but when my hands touch his length the laugh turns into a heady sigh. My eyes widen when I really take him in, having only felt him in the ocean, I didn’t realize . . . Wow. I lick my lips, trying to picture all of him inside me. How on earth will he fit?
Noticing my apprehension, Theo lifts my face, plants a chaste kiss on my lips and smiles. ‘I’m gonna take care of you.’ Slowly, he lowers us back onto the bed and positions himself so the tip of him brushes against my entrance. ‘Now, you tell me if it’s too much.’ Slowly, with a shaky breath, Theo pushes himself inside me, taking his time, pausing every so often until he’s completely there. I squeeze my eyes shut, my hands reflexively gripping his biceps as I wait for the slight pinching sensation to lessen. He stays still, letting me adjust, whispering gently. ‘You’re doing so good, Magdalen.’ Tentatively, I try to move a little, pushing my hips up to get more of him.
‘One second,’ I whisper with a shaky breath.
‘Take your time,’ Theo says tightly as I continue to move, exploring the boundaries of my own body, grinding a little faster as the pinching subsides. While it’s certainly foreign, there’s barely any pain after a few minutes. Must be Theo’s magic touch. Eyes still shut, I gyrate my hips and immediately a spark of pleasure floods me. ‘Oh.’
When I finally open my eyes, Theo’s looking at me, biting down on his bottom lip, cheeks stained red.
‘Do I feel good now?’ he asks, hands travelling to my hips, flexing himself inside me so that I involuntarily shudder. ‘Let me make you feel good.’
I nod. And that’s all Theo needs to start moving, steadily increasing his pace . . .
‘That’s right.’ He’s still looking at me, his eyes dark and cloudy, and I can feel his desire in the tight grip he has on my waist and the quickening pace of him inside me. I can’t help as I arch closer, my hips circling as I meet his pace, continuing the motion until our rhythm increases. His breathing is erratic, every so often a small groan escaping him as he watches me sink onto him.
‘Ride me, Magdalen. Just like that, yes.’
I can’t hold it in. I moan out loud and my hips undulate, finding the rhythm of Theo. His thumb presses against my centre, circling and tapping slowly as he continues to pump in and out of me.
‘I can’t—’ I begin, but I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Gripping the back of his hair for some sort of stability, I grind myself on him and he lets out a harsh exhale.
‘Maggie, you’re so fucking tight.’
I press my head further into the pillow. Feeling how he flexes himself inside me is enough to make me understand why Mary had to stay a virgin. How could she have done anything else?
‘I’m not going to last long,’ he whispers, his eyes on my lips, my neck. The hand on my waist moves to my head, fingers digging into my hair, pulling deliciously.
‘Theo.’ Was that my voice? I didn’t even know I could whimper.
‘Come for me,’ he demands. ‘I need to feel you come around me, Magdalen.’
I bite down on my bottom lip hard to contain the loud moan trying to escape as something inside me quickens. Hot pulses of pleasure tighten everything inside me until I feel like I’m going to shatter.
‘Ah, that’s it,’ Theo growls, his pace getting faster, it’s so intense that I cry out loudly and rest my forehead on his shoulder to keep from collapsing. ‘You have to look at me, baby.’ A hand snakes up the valley between my breasts before he reaches for my neck to tilt my head up. And I know the moment he looks at me, eyes hazy with desire, that I don’t stand a chance. With a few more deep thrusts, his thumb rubs me again and I can’t contain it any more. I quiver uncontrollably and my vision goes black as I pulse harshly, a flood of pleasure running through me for what feels like an eternity as my insides clench rhythmically around his length.
Theo continues to massage my walls, his pace slowing down, and he groans in my ear, ‘Yes, Magdalen. Fuck,’ and then I feel him shudder above me, his movements becoming sloppy as he jerks one final time and stills, spilling into me. ‘Fuck,’ he repeats, and I giggle, feeling warm and happy with him on top of me. After a few moments, I try to regain any semblance of normalcy. It feels appropriate that men would wage wars over love and sex. I get it now, I really do. What’s a lifetime of trauma for ten minutes of absolute bliss? Theo laughs gently and I realize I’ve not said anything, too busy coming down from the euphoria.
‘What?’ I say, my smile mirroring his. Theo takes himself out of me and I wince slightly, immediately miss being filled with him. He shakes his head slightly and then touches his fingers to my entrance, making me quiver, bringing his fingers to his mouth.
‘Theo—’ I try to stop him but it’s too late. He dips his fingers into his mouth and sucks, staring at me the entire time.
‘You’re delicious.’ He says it seriously. No smile any more. ‘I can’t believe no one has tasted you before.’
My cheeks flush. ‘I’m feeling shy,’ I say, and Theo laughs freely while scooting down to lie on his side, resting his head on one hand. ‘Touché.’
I lift my hands over my head and stretch, my body feeling warm and relaxed.
‘What was your favourite book growing up?’ Theo asks, his finger gently grazing my stomach, and I tilt my head to look at him.
‘Excuse me, I’m trying to bask in my first post-orgasm.’
Theo raises his hand and bops my nose playfully. ‘You’re so fucking cute.’
‘Trying to sweet-talk me?’ I ask, turning my body to mirror his. ‘You already got me in bed.’
‘I just want to know everything about you.’
‘Kiss-ass,’ I smile, but my heart warms and I ponder his question. ‘I really liked The Shadow.’ Tucking my head into my elbow, I think about my mother. ‘My mother read to me every night till I was ten.’
‘You read that as a kid?’
‘Options were limited on English books. And I never minded; when she read them they never seemed as scary.’
Theo sighs and reaches out to take my hand, bringing it to his chest. ‘Does it ever make you nervous how connected our families are?’ His voice is quiet, curious, almost prodding me to ask more.
‘It made me feel really safe for a long time. To know I had two families to always look after me.’ Theo doesn’t say anything but I see it. The colour has drained from his cheeks.
‘Why did she stop reading to you? After you were ten?’ he asks, just as quiet as before.
‘I’m not sure.’ It’s all I can say, my tongue feeling numb. I don’t like where this conversation is headed and I try to clear my mind to avoid thinking about anything too serious. ‘Uh, yeah. I’m not too sure,’ I repeat.
We both lie there in silence, looking at one another, listening to the waves, an occasional seagull flying close to the window.
After a minute, Theo interrupts. ‘Sir Gawain and the Green Knight,’ he says, and I have to roll my eyes at his audacity.
‘You’re questioning me reading Grimms’ Fairy Tales while you’re lounging around reading a fourteenth-century Middle English poem?’ Theo hooks his ankle around my calf and it’s such a casual display of comfort that my heart sings.
We stay there for the next few hours asking each other questions, each of us testing the boundary the other one has drawn.
The night continues with questions, laughs. Favourite movie? First kiss? Have you seen a ghost? Kiss me, please. Gladly. Do you believe in fate?
At around midnight, we hear the front door open and both freeze.
‘He’ll actually kill me,’ Theo whispers, and just as he prepares to rise we hear Maio singing loudly up the stairs. Very un-Maio like. We turn to look at each other and our laughter comes out in quiet wheezes. ‘Shh, shh.’ Theo’s hand comes over my mouth and mine over his.
‘Maio’s singing!’ I say between gasps and his palm against my skin.
‘He’s in love,’ Theo whispers, leaning forward to kiss the back of his hand. ‘We all sing when we’re in love.’
Pulling me onto his chest, Theo rubs my back in gentle circles. Tiredness, the happy and full kind, envelops us and I rest my head on his bare chest, closing my eyes at the sound of his steady heartbeat and the smell of his skin. I really hope this can last.
46
THEO
The next few days are spent in a lazy terracotta haze. I sneak into Magdalen’s room after spending the day at the beach with Dante and Anika. We come back home around five, all of us sleepy with too much sun and the ever-flowing spiked granitas Anika keeps shoving in front of us. Stumbling through the front door, we’ll shake the sand off our feet and they’ll run to see who can get to the big bathroom first. I’ll walk slower than the rest of them, letting Dante go to the fancy bathroom so I can find Magdalen upstairs and join her if she’s in the shower. She’ll tell me about England and her friend Emily, naked and covered in soap, and I’ll try to control my erection because she’s naked and covered in soap and thinks I’m paying attention to a story about her friend. But I love it so much when she speaks. She massages herself with the loofa and I ask about her favourite literary theory.
The nightmares have stopped. I don’t want to say it’s all because of her, but it’s hard not to feel like I’ve saved all my truths so I can share them with her. Things about home I couldn’t think about without panicking, don’t feel as bad. Tennis on the beach. Talking through my dissertation. She can talk about Jane Austen for hours. At dinner I’ll sneak a glance and she’ll graze my ankle with her toe. I’ll refill her glass when I notice it’s empty. There’s an openness to her that I have only seen when I watch her talk to Anika, and I know I’m acting the same way. She’ll sneak out of my room when the sun rises, or we hear Dante and Anika unlock the front door after their night out. She wears my sweatshirt now when she’s cold.
Dante and I haven’t spoken one-on-one since the fight, but after a day, we are both wearing down. We’re speaking through other people’s stories. Like when Anika asks me how my face feels, Dante will blow air through his teeth and throw some sand around. He’s desperate to say something. And, when I ask Magdalen about the scariest dream she’s ever had, Dante will interrupt with a story about how he once stuck his dad’s finger in a bowl of water to make him pee while he was sleeping but it didn’t work and Dr Savoy ended up catching a cold instead.
Our fights have a very temporary shelf life. We’ll start like this and eventually one of us will ask a neutral question. Like, ‘Do you know the time? Oh, and by the way, is this thing over yet? I’ve been dying to tell you about what’s been happening.’
Tonight is our last night in Alassio and the wedding is in two weeks. I watch Magdalen walk back from the gelateria with Anika, wearing overalls and a turquoise scarf around her chest – she’s sunburnt on her forehead and nose. My daydreams now consist of putting sun cream on her shoulders and washing salt water out of that beautiful fucking hair in the shower. She licks the gelato dripping down the cone and I audibly mutter under my breath.
