If we could go back, p.25
If We Could Go Back, page 25
“I mean it. We seriously shouldn’t be doing this,” I said.
“Yes, we should.” Kieran put on his shades and exited the elevator. “I’m being careful, see?”
Not careful enough, damn it. I cupped his elbow to offer a bit of support as we crossed the hotel lobby. It was huge, and people were coming and going in every direction. A Friday at a hotel attached to a convention center was crazy. Some were drained after a week of meetings, some were checking in for weekend seminars, and then add tourists to that.
“I promised your sister I would take care of you,” I told him, half irritated. “This isn’t what resting looks like.”
“I’m asking for one hour, Ben. One. I wanted to do this when we were here together, but I was too much of a chickenshit to go outside with you. Even like this, like friends.”
I got it; I fucking got it. We were friends. I heard it the first time he’d called us friends. Message received.
“One hour,” I muttered.
We stepped outside and were met by the beaming sun and a clear blue sky. Kieran inhaled deeply, and I narrowed my eyes when he twitched at the pain. Okay, perhaps I was turning into a mother hen. I should relax and focus on his mood. He was in higher spirits today, and he’d been nagging about going out for ice cream since breakfast.
I’d done my best to stall. I’d even used the hotel’s laundry service to have my suit and underwear dry cleaned. I’d also taken my time in the shower, brushed my teeth for half an eternity, until he banged on the door and told me to grow up.
“I look like a hobo,” he said, “but I feel hella good. Let’s savor the moment before I’m back to heartbroken.”
I wasn’t sure it was physically possible for Kieran Marshall to look like a homeless person. Despite sweats, a hoodie, and a battered face. His shades concealed the black eye, at least.
“We should get a taxi,” I said.
“The boardwalk is literally around the corner, Ben.”
It literally wasn’t. It was a five-minute walk at best, which was five minutes too many for him.
I didn’t stand a chance against him, though. We walked carefully and somewhat slowly until we reached the strip of boardwalk that followed the river. Plenty of people had taken their lunch outside, and it took us some time to find an available bench. Once I did, I put my freaking foot down. He was in pain, and no amount of ice cream was worth it.
I told him to stay put while I bought the bloody ice cream.
“You’re cute when you’re pissy!” he hollered after me.
I pretended to stay pissy.
But he wasn’t entirely wrong. I could be cute.
There was a plaza near the harborwalk where I found food trucks and little shops, and one of them had ice cream. I bought two soft-serve vanilla cones and hoped that would satisfy Mr. Brightside and his sweet tooth.
He was practically lounging on the bench when I returned. Face tilted toward the sun, arms draped along the back of the bench, and one foot propped on his knee. In other words, completely the opposite of what Grace had instructed.
“Kieran, you’re supposed to keep your back straight.”
He hummed. “Don’t kill my buzz.”
Perhaps I should switch out our meds. His were clearly better than mine.
I sat down next to him and extended one of the cones, and he accepted it with a lazy smile.
“Thank you.”
“How are you feeling?” I wondered.
“Right now, fantastic,” he replied. “It’s like a whole hallway of doors has opened up. Shit I can do that I couldn’t before. It’s the principle—not that I wanna do all those things, but just being able to if I did.”
I looked away from him as he started eating his ice cream, because there was an indecent sight if I ever saw one.
“Give me an example.” I shrugged out of my suit jacket and leaned back.
“I can sit here with you, for one,” he murmured. “I’m forty minutes away from where I grew up. I have cousins and old friends who come to the city all the time—they could be right here on the boardwalk, and I don’t have to care about it anymore.” He paused, and the arm he still had behind me crept higher until his fingers gently scratched my neck. “I can do this.”
Goose bumps rose across my neck, and I shivered at the sensations.
He wasn’t finished. “If I were so inclined, I could also check out your ass in those pants when you go buy ice cream.”
I smirked to myself as a river of contentment flowed through me.
“I don’t have to look over my shoulder anymore,” he said quietly, more serious now. But his fingers kept playing with the hair at the back of my neck. “I’m free.”
Unshackled.
I let out a long sigh, more relaxed than I’d been in a long time, and tasted my ice cream.
“I would never go back, Kieran.”
He swallowed audibly and squeezed my neck affectionately. “Me either. Never.”
The moment was too perfect as it was, no other words necessary, so we fell silent. We just sat there, two blokes who were friends but probably not just friends, and ate ice cream in the Boston sun.
Despite the hurt that had been caused all around, despite the situation with Kieran’s family, coming home was like the end of a vacation.
I’d bought luggage to fit Kieran’s stuff in, and he didn’t want to look at it, knowing it was filled with photos and trinkets from his childhood. Things his mother no longer wanted in her house.
My sister had once again come to the rescue and driven my car to Sea-Tac, and I spotted her near the exit as soon as the crowd of arrivals dissipated.
“This way, love.” I brushed my hand against Kieran’s back to change his direction. He followed silently, not in the mood to talk. The flight had been painful for his ribs, and the past few days’ events sent him on an emotional roller coaster.
I’d warned Brianna already when I filled her in on everything. She knew what to expect. She’d also advised me not to ask too many questions and merely be there for him. It would be a while before he could tell up from down.
“Hey, boys.” Brianna smiled and snuck in for a quick hug.
I held her a bit longer than that. She had no idea how grateful I was for everything she’d done, but I’d make sure she found out soon.
“It’s good to see you.” I kissed her cheek and stepped back.
“You too—both of you.” She touched Kieran’s arm. “Jaylin’s at Bennett’s house. Dad’s watching them. She can’t wait to see you.”
Kieran mustered a small smile. “I appreciate it, hon.”
He was nervous and anxious, I could tell. He’d told me he worried about scaring Jaylin with his injuries, but Brianna had prepared her. Daddy had been in a minor accident and had some bruises on his face. All Jaylin wanted to do was hug him and make sure he got better. Apparently, they had a sweet routine that involved napping, cartoons, and pancakes.
“You guys ready to drive me home?” Brianna asked.
“Yes, ma’am,” I replied.
I’d known Kieran had nothing to worry about. The minute we arrived home and stepped out of the car, Jaylin darted out of the house and into Kieran’s arms.
He scrunched his face in pain at the impact but made no sound.
“I missed you, Daddy.”
“I missed you more, beautiful monkey.”
I gave them some privacy and headed inside with the luggage. What followed was twenty minutes of mayhem, with Jess talking a mile a minute about what I’d missed, Nate telling me that his teacher was asking the wrong questions on a test, both of them inspecting my fractured hand, little Duke jumping up and down, and Dad asking what had happened in Boston.
I offered an abridged version for now, more interested if anything had happened with Maggie. Because Kieran hadn’t spoken to her even once, which was slightly enervating. In a situation like this, I needed information and answers. I needed to map out the future and make a plan.
All I knew was that he’d asked if he could crash on my couch for a few days.
As if I would say no.
“How did it go at the dentist?” I asked Jess.
“Fine.” He shrugged. “I got a sticker.”
“They want to monitor him for a year or two,” Dad said, offering a better response. “Then they’ll see if he needs braces.”
I nodded. “Thanks for taking him.”
Jess grew bored and announced he was going to play with Duke in the backyard.
Dad peered out the kitchen window. Kieran and Jaylin were on their way in, and she was gesturing to her eye, to which Kieran said something and touched his black eye. Some of the fainter bruises had already started fading or yellowing. “You take care of him now, you hear?” Dad looked at me pointedly.
“Yes, sir. Of course.” I didn’t want to be in the way or complicate Kieran’s healing, so I wondered if maybe I should turn the office slash sad excuse for a gym upstairs into a guest room. It would only take a bed and possibly a dresser. The gym equipment could go in the closet, and the desk could stay where it was.
I wanted him comfortable here.
Jess had started sleeping longer, something I sure as hell appreciated, though eight was still early on a Saturday morning. When he tumbled down the stairs, I didn’t want Kieran to feel like he had to get out of the way so Jess could watch cartoons.
It was a good plan, and I had the whole weekend now.
“When did the boys get here?” I asked, curious.
Dad frowned in confusion. “Wednesday. Since I took Jess to the dentist. Why?”
Jesus Christ, I had to deal with that ex-wife of mine. It’d been her week until today. “Allison shouldn’t have taken advantage like that,” I said. “Brianna was only supposed to cover for her the day I left for Boston.”
Nate, who lingered in the doorway, piped up. “We told Mum we wanted to be here. She said it was okay.”
Oh. What was the protocol for that? It was simpler in the beginning. Strict days to create structure for the boys. Now they were growing up, and it made sense they were granted more freedom to choose where to be. At the same time, they’d drift. I knew they would. They’d want to spend less and less time with Allison.
I’d have to talk to her—later. Not now. Now I wanted to focus on Kieran and Jaylin.
They were here, in my house, where I’d once upon a time had foolish daydreams, in which this was their home too.
Chapter 25
“And he scores!” Jess yelled, then ran a victory lap in the backyard.
I chuckled, out of breath, and dug the football out of the rose bushes. Safe to say, I was done holding back from now on.
“Can I play, Bennett?” Jaylin asked.
“Of course, princess. Get over here,” I said. “Let me just go get us something to drink first.”
That was code for, “Let me see if your parents are done fighting.”
Maggie had turned up an hour ago to talk a few “practical things,” so I had ushered all the kids out to the backyard for some football. Nate and Duke were relaxing in the shade on the patio, and books and Jaylin’s Barbies filled the table.
Jogging across the lawn and up the steps to the patio, I wiped some sweat off my forehead and then ducked inside and made sure to close the door behind me. No shouting this time; that was a plus. Last time I’d snuck in to check on things, they’d been yelling in the kitchen about promises made when they were younger.
“Jaylin won’t go to school in Seattle,” I heard Kieran say firmly. “Our divorce shouldn’t cause her unnecessary suffering, so if you wanna move to Seattle to be closer to your parents, you’ll be moving away from our daughter.”
Shit. I lingered in the living room, too nosy. Couldn’t be helped. I wanted to know. Kieran and I had been home all weekend, and it wasn’t until today he’d talked to Maggie. It just struck me as odd.
“She needs me,” Maggie argued. “Every child needs a mother.”
Well…
“I’m not saying Jaylin doesn’t need you,” Kieran replied flatly. “I’m saying if you wanna stay close to her, you gotta stay in Camassia. This is where we agreed she would grow up.”
“We agreed on many things,” Maggie shot back. “You said you wanted this for life. You said you could suppress those urges—”
“I was a fucking kid!” Kieran growled. “I knew I wouldn’t have support anywhere. It was being myself by myself, or pretending to be normal.” He let out a harsh breath. “Look. I’ve told you—I didn’t want this. I didn’t wanna hurt you, or for you to pay the price for my—”
“But I did!” Maggie cried out. “I’m losing everything, Kieran! I’m losing my husband, my family—”
They kept interrupting each other. “You wanna talk about losing family?” Kieran asked in disbelief. “Would it be better if we went back to what we had? Huh? You want me to go back to pretending to be someone I’m not just so you can feel good about yourself?”
Silence.
I hung my head, wishing I could help somehow. Just yesterday, Jess had expressed how he couldn’t wait to grow up, and both Kieran and I had looked at each other with this “If only you knew, kid” expression. Because now more than ever, we knew how easy it was to be a child. Everything was black-and-white until you grew up and saw gray everywhere.
There were millions of rights and wrongs in our lives, and blame could be placed with all of us. Which made disputes difficult to solve, much less get past.
“I knew you weren’t happy with me,” I heard Maggie say quietly, sniffling. “It used to make me bitter.”
“I’m familiar with bitterness,” Kieran muttered.
I wanted to ask Maggie why she hadn’t wanted what was best for the man she supposedly loved. It wasn’t a simple situation, but I found the question valid nonetheless.
“I can’t believe we’re getting divorced,” Maggie whimpered. “I meet these women at church—they’ve been divorced or remarried, and I thought, that will never be me.”
“Mags,” Kieran said tiredly. “There are worse things than getting divorced today. You’re not this old-fashioned woman your parents want you to be. You used to have so many goals—”
“Oh God, I haven’t even thought that far.” Maggie got upset again. “I don’t know how to take care of myself. You’re leaving me without giving an ounce of thought for—”
“Easy,” Kieran warned. “First of all, give me some motherfucking credit. I’m not ditching you on the side of the road. Of course I will take care of you while you get on your feet. The house—take it. I don’t care. We’ll share custody of Jaylin. You have a prestigious degree that you’ve never used. Maybe it’s time.” There was a pause, and I took a few steps closer to the hallway to hear better. “I get that you’re afraid, Mags. You’ve closed yourself in for years, and starting over is terrifying. I’m starting over too, and I’m doing it without most of my family. But I owe it to myself. And frankly, I’m done hating my life. I’ve tried for almost thirty-three years to fit into this box everyone I love thought I should be in.”
My chest swelled with pride, love, and ache to be with him. He’d come so far in just days. Maybe he’d known for years; he’d already told me I had said out loud what he’d worked so hard to suppress. But even so, to be vocal about it now… I admired him immensely, and I was sick of hiding it. Or giving him a watered-down version of what I felt.
I returned outside, not wanting to eavesdrop anymore, and wondered how the fuck I was supposed to pretend I wasn’t still head over heels in love with that man.
Bad news probably traveled faster than good news, and by the time we’d celebrated Jess’s birthday and then Brianna’s birthday, I could bet everyone we knew—and then some—was aware of the latest divorce gossip.
Maggie stayed at their house, though she went to Seattle when Kieran had Jaylin.
To be perfectly honest, I was as happy as I was anxious. Happy because I received a glimpse of what it could’ve been like to share a home with Kieran and Jaylin. Happy because we had breakfast together every other week, the five of us, and happy because I got to be close to Kieran for when his moods took a nose dive and he needed comfort.
The anxiousness increased every day, though, because I knew it was time borrowed. Kieran was only staying with us until he found a new house, and he was studying the listings in the paper every weekend.
By mid-June, I could tell Kieran was getting restless. He’d grown frustrated with public listings and hired a Realtor one rainy Wednesday.
I stood by the windows in the living room and looked out at the downpour.
The kids were with their mothers, and we’d planned on having a relaxing evening with beer and barbecue. We both needed a night off. Plus, Kieran was almost fully recovered, and it was something to celebrate, I thought. My hand was practically good as new too.
“Still raining?” Kieran asked, appearing in the living room.
“Yup.” I left the window and stopped somewhere in the middle of the room. “Should we order in?” Either way, I wasn’t changing out of my sweats and tee. Work was slow, so I had the next two days off. I was actually going to use that time for doing nothing in comfortable clothes.
“No…” He looked like he wanted to mope. It was sort of cute. “I really wanted to try the garlic rub I bought.”
My grill master.
My kitchen had never seen so many marinades, glazes, and spice rubs before.
Kieran made his own seasoning mixes. Next to him, I was a novice when it came to cooking. And I thought I’d gotten better. Judging by the boys’ reaction when Kieran cooked dinner, I hadn’t made enough progress.
“How did it go with the Realtor?” I asked.
“Could’ve gone better.” It was his turn to walk over to the window and look up. “I’m mostly worried about Jaylin.”
I knew he was. She’d been more anxious lately. She’d handled the news of the divorce remarkably well, and she had the understanding of someone much older. But she felt uprooted and didn’t know where her home was anymore.
