If we could go back, p.27
If We Could Go Back, page 27
My cock strained and ached. To relieve the pressure, I planted one forearm against the edge to support my weight. Then I was stroking myself to the tempo Kieran set with his skilled mouth. Goose bumps rose on my back, and it became increasingly difficult to stay quiet. Or, at least, not to let any nosy neighbors hear anything.
I swallowed another moan when he breached me with his tongue over and over. It was sensational yet only made me more desperate.
“Fuck me,” I breathed out. “I want your cock, Kieran.”
“I won’t last—”
“I don’t care, just give it to me before I come,” I growled.
He hummed and licked the length of my ass, then finally stood up and grabbed the oil. Jesus, we were going without condoms for the first time. I was going to feel all of him; he was going to come inside me.
I whimpered like a needy fucking slut.
The second he brushed against my sensitive opening, I thought I was going to blow. He was rock hard and had no patience, which suited me perfectly. He rasped out a warning; it was gonna be quick and hard, and he was almost apologetic about it. I shook my head. Fast and hard was exactly what I craved.
He positioned himself and gripped my hips, then pushed inside in one excruciatingly painful thrust, but it was accompanied by the intense, fiery pleasure I’d missed for over a year. I shot straight into a fog where only he and I existed, where everything was about us getting each other off.
Kieran’s sharp groan shook me to the core, and then he was fucking me hard and deep. My muscles protested, and the heat of the water and the cold of the air became uncomfortable. But I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t allow it. I rubbed my cock as fast as I could and gnashed my teeth to stave off the orgasm.
“Jesus fuck, baby,” he gritted out. “I can’t be without you again.”
“Deeper,” I panted. “Don’t stop. We won’t—never.”
“Promise me,” he growled.
“I…” My eyes nearly rolled back. I was right on that precipice. “I promise.” The words left me in a shallow gust of air before I lost it. I tensed up all over and erupted, and the orgasm surged through me like electricity.
Kieran rocked into me a few more times before he lost it too.
This was going to be our bed. Our home.
I wanted the sheets twisted around us, the covers on the floor, and clothes thrown over my lamp on the nightstand. Like they were right now.
Gathering Kieran’s hands above his head, I pushed in deeper and kissed him with all the passion I had.
“You belong here,” I muttered breathlessly. “You and Jaylin.”
“With you and the boys.” He grunted at a particularly hard thrust and grazed his teeth along my bottom lip. “I—fuck—it’s all I want.”
Me too.
“I love you,” he murmured.
I shivered and buried my face against his neck, and I began fucking him harder. “I love you too.”
He groaned and slipped his hands free to run them up and down my back.
When we needed more, he rolled onto his stomach and got on all fours. I kneaded his ass cheeks and watched my cock disappear inside him, inch by inch, with nothing between us. We glistened with oil and pre-come, and I couldn’t stop staring. I gripped his hips; he gripped the headboard. I pounded into him, still watching, still eye-fucking. He moaned and met every thrust.
“Oh Christ,” he panted. “Right there. Fuck me.”
I slammed in and ground against him, and he let out a long groan and clenched down around me. The pleasure spiked and pushed me toward the familiar edge.
“Almost there.” I screwed my eyes shut and held my breath, chasing, chasing, chasing. “Fuck.”
Kieran came before me, without warning, and it sent me over. The smell of him, of us, and his tight ass clamped around my cock—I didn’t stand a chance. My orgasm crashed into me, and my thrusts became erratic and all about filling his ass with my release.
As the high slowly faded, I drew in a dry breath, my lungs burning and my throat parched.
Kieran hissed when I withdrew my cock. Collapsing beside him, I pulled him close to me and waited for my heartbeat to slow the hell down.
“I’d almost forgotten how good you fuck,” he murmured hoarsely.
I chuckled, out of breath, and smacked a kiss on his lips. “Please continue to stroke my ego, my love.”
He smiled lazily and went in for another kiss, a slow, teasing one with his magic tongue. “I’ll stroke you every day if you keep calling me that.”
I grinned as another bout of relief sank in. We were finally happening. “It’s us now,” I whispered, and the humor faded. “You’re staying here. You’re going to tell your Realtor tomorrow that the only thing you might be interested in is an office in town.”
He sighed and cupped my cheek, his thumb ghosting over my bottom lip. “I promise you, the only move I want to make is out of this wet spot.”
I let out a laugh and scooted closer to the edge, and he was quick to follow. “Better?”
“Much.” He smirked and slipped an arm around my middle. “I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with you. How can I not feel fucking fantastic?”
My smile probably couldn’t get any wider, and I felt goddamn cheesy, but I didn’t care. I rolled on top of him and kissed him hard. We deserved this moment, for everything we’d been through.
“I love you, Kieran.”
“So fucking much.” He nipped at my stubbly chin and palmed my ass. “When I came out to my family, I didn’t have the balls to hope for this outcome, but I’ve wanted it for longer than you could possibly guess.”
I brushed some hair away from his forehead and kissed him softly. “Can I ask what triggered you to tell your family the truth?”
When my hand slid down his jaw, he turned his head and kissed my fingertips.
“I saw you in town. In the Valley—you were having lunch with that guy. Casey?”
I nodded.
“It wasn’t jealousy,” he went on. “Okay, it was a shitload of that too, but most of all, it was this suffocating feeling that the world would always go on without me. Eventually, you would find someone else. And…I couldn’t cope anymore. I bought a plane ticket the day after.”
I shook my head, still struggling with how his parents had handled things. And three of his siblings whom he’d been so close with.
“For the record,” he said, lifting a brow, “you can’t tell me Casey’s straight.”
I chuckled and rolled off him again, propping my elbow on my pillow. “No, he’s bi. And certainly not a threat to you.”
Kieran huffed, bloody adorable, and held on to me. “Bi is a fucking threat, Ben. You’re one of those men who don’t know how criminally hot you are.”
I grinned. “Keep going.”
That earned me a growl from him, and it was his turn to pin me to the mattress.
My pulse kicked up a notch or twelve as I stared up into his predatory gaze.
“You’re supposed to reassure me,” he said with accusation in his tone.
“I’ve already told you he’s not a threat,” I laughed. “He’s a good mate, one who’s been on the receiving end of nothing but my moping about you.” It was what Casey and I had done; we’d met up for lunch to complain like old ladies. He’d bitched about his love life, and I had bitched about Kieran. “He and I… There’s nothing there. It hasn’t even come up or been hinted at—from either of us. I think we stumbled upon each other at a time where we only needed a friend, and it’s stayed that way.”
That seemed to relax my jealous man, though I couldn’t deny it was sexy as hell when he got possessive.
“I think you’ll like him,” I mused. “He writes a funny blog about a lot of things we can relate to.”
“Such as?”
“Parenting.” I widened my eyes at the horror.
He finally cracked a smile.
“Can we talk about how long you’ve wanted me now?” I wondered.
“Longer than you deserve right this second,” he chuckled and ended up next to me. Then he sighed and gave me a quick kiss. “The first time we met up after work, I knew you’d be trouble. By the second, you’d become the one who could both make me and break me.”
I gathered his hand in mine and kissed his palm. “No more breaking for us.”
He hummed. “Unless we’re talking headboards.”
“Oh, deal.”
Chapter 27
So…Wednesday ended on the best note possible. Thursday was taken straight out of a fantasy, and that was it? The wedded bliss was over now? Because unlike yesterday, when I woke up to a blow job and spent most of the day in bed with Kieran, I woke up alone this morning, and he didn’t respond when I called his name.
I left the bedroom, grumpy, and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.
There was sound coming from the kitchen, though. I was sure of it.
After trudging down the stairs, the first thing that hit me was the blinding sun pouring in through the kitchen window. And then I saw Kieran at the stove, with his back to me, and he had headphones on.
He poured something into a skillet, the butter sizzling, and it didn’t take more than a few seconds for the smell of pancakes to flood the kitchen. My stomach growled in hunger. My mood improved insanely fast.
Kieran jumped slightly as I put my hand on his lower back, but I was more focused on looking over his shoulder where he was making pancakes. They looked fucking amazing.
“Morning.” He removed his headphones, and I heard the faint sounds of Flogging Molly from them. “Should I get an apron that tells you to kiss the chef?”
“Unnecessary.” I snuck in a kiss and hugged him from behind. “I could get used to this, but let the record show, I prefer waking up next to you.”
He chuckled. “Mmm, me too. But you’ll have to suffer sometimes so I can make us breakfast.”
I smiled against his neck, seeing our future ahead of me. “Will cooking become your thing?”
“Fuck, yeah.” There was a grin in his voice. “Consider it my territory if you clean.”
“Done. I’m a bit of a pro with the vacuum.”
And Kieran was an utter mess when it came to keeping things tidy, so this actually worked out wonderfully.
Making myself useful, I made us coffee and brought in the paper. Merely whipping up some pancakes wasn’t enough for Kieran; no, he had to create a feast. There were extra buttery ones, blueberry, chocolate chip, and a couple with bacon bits. Then a bowl of whipped cream, whipped butter, and syrup for the table.
“When’s your pop coming over with Duke?” Kieran asked, getting seated.
“Hopefully after we’ve devoured all this.” I plated a bacon pancake and an extra buttery one. To start with. “Have I told you I love you today?”
Kieran snorted. “You’re easy, baby.”
“I’m hungry, is what I am.” I cut into the bacon one first, and then I had vanilla sweetness and salty bacon exploding on my tongue. “If I’d had this before I met you, I would’ve said it was better than sex.”
His eyes danced with amusement, and he took a sip of his coffee and looked out. He nodded at the window. “Your pop’s here.”
“Hide the food—” Or not. My suggestion was met by laughter.
“I’ll get him a plate,” Kieran told me.
Fine.
Dad let himself in, and soon we had Duke rushing into the kitchen. He barked and wagged his tail and tried to jump up on my lap, but he wasn’t quite that skilled. I smiled and patted his head as my father appeared in the doorway.
“Morning, boys. Something smells great,” he said.
“Good morning, sir. Have a seat,” I replied. “Kieran made breakfast.”
“I deduced that when I said it smelled great.”
I wasn’t even going to pretend to be offended.
Kieran set a plate at the head of the table, along with a cup of coffee, and I couldn’t help but notice he’d gone a little quiet. Was he nervous? Oh—did he not want family to know about us yet? We hadn’t discussed it. We’d talked more about turning the guest room into Jaylin’s room, and we’d agreed to go shop for furniture today before we picked up the kids. There hadn’t been time to approach anything else, due to all the fucking that we’d prioritized.
While Dad treated him to breakfast, I gave Duke fresh water and found him a bone in what had become his cupboard. Sweet Nate, sometimes he used his allowance to buy Duke extra treats.
“What’re your plans for the day?” Dad asked us.
Kieran seemed a bit stuck, so I answered as I took my seat again.
“We’re gonna pick up some stuff I’ve been meaning to buy for the backyard.” I locked my feet with Kieran’s under the table, hoping it would relax him. Shit, maybe it would make it worse…but the small smile he sent me was reassuring.
“Yeah?” Dad devoured half a pancake in one go.
I nodded. “I want a hammock.”
Kieran’s gaze flashed to mine then, and I smiled. The picture of him and me, and the kids, in the hammock that summer was one of my absolute favorites, and I could finally dig it up from my desk drawer in my office and frame it. Again.
“Sounds like a plan,” Dad said. “You got a nice spot for one between the apple trees.” He stifled a belch and lifted his coffee mug. “You two gonna tell me you’re together, or do I have to wait for an invitation to a coming-out party?”
Kieran dropped his fork.
I was less surprised and more than a little amused. I was used to my father noticing things by now. Things I’d always believed I was subtle about.
I raised a brow in question at Dad, curious.
He jerked his chin at Kieran. “He’s wearing your college tee, and you’re playing footsie under the table like a couple girls.”
I grinned around a mouthful of pancake.
Kieran let out a breath, weary. “You’re okay with it?” He glanced hesitantly at my father, who frowned in confusion.
It hit me that Kieran hadn’t been nervous about going public. He was scared out of his mind of facing more rejection. My heart ached for him, and I cursed his useless fucking family to the ninth circle of hell.
“Why on earth wouldn’t I be okay with it?” Dad asked. Then he shook his head and patted Kieran’s hand. “Welcome to the family, son.”
My father could have all the pancakes he wanted.
“This is a stupid idea.”
“Sometimes a stupid idea is the right one.” A particularly cold crosswind blew past us as we reached the street on which we used to live, and I yanked up the hood on my sweater. “Besides,” I added, “I’ll have to face her at some point. Might as well be now.”
We’d spent the whole day getting Jaylin’s new room in order once we realized that children talked. Kieran and I wanted to be official, and even though we had no plans to make out in front of the kids right away, we didn’t want to hide either. We’d done that for years already. But, if the kids knew, so did their mothers.
Perhaps not Allison. Maggie, though. Jaylin was closer to her than Nate and Jess were to Allison, and I wanted to be there when Maggie found out. It was the right thing to do. Because just as the children had different relationships with our exes, so did Kieran and I. He had never been close to Allison, but Maggie and I were friends. Or used to be, if this conversation went as Kieran predicted.
So we had stopped assembling Jaylin’s new desk and were now on our way to Maggie’s house to tell her about us. In an attempt to stall, Kieran had suggested we walk. He was no doubt hoping we’d miss Maggie and that she would take off to Seattle before we arrived, though I happened to know she wasn’t going until tomorrow. It was one of the things that had become an established routine since Kieran and Maggie separated. She wanted to be close by the first night of “Daddy’s week,” in case Jaylin got upset.
My stomach knotted with nerves as the house came into view.
I had conceded on one point. We weren’t going to say that we’d had an affair. Kieran claimed no good would come of it; it would only hurt Maggie further, and I admitted he had a good reason. We didn’t live in a fairy tale, and not every truth would set us free.
We were already free.
I checked my watch. We had two hours before we had to pick up Jaylin, who was with a friend. Nate and Jess had left Allison’s early to spend the day in the city with my sister. With the wedding approaching, Brianna wanted to make sure the boys had nice suits since they’d be in the wedding.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Huh? Yeah.” Kieran seemed surprised I’d asked. “Ben, Maggie and I didn’t love each other the way we were supposed to. We both wanted convenience and an easy way out. She wanted a traditional core family, and I wanted…the same. It looked great on the outside.” He nudged me with his elbow. “First thing she told me after I said I wanted a divorce had nothing to do with her feelings being hurt. It wasn’t even the second or the third or the fourth. She’s lost her comfort, and that’s scary. But it’ll pass.”
It was mildly reassuring. I wasn’t going to believe we were doing Maggie a favor, though with their marriage in the hands of lawyers now, I did hope she’d find someone eventually who wanted her for who she was, not for the image of traditionally acceptable.
I let Kieran walk first, and he chuckled at how weird it felt to knock on the door instead of just going right in.
Maggie opened it a few seconds later, dressed in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, looking like she’d been working out. “Oh. Hey. I have some more boxes for you. It’s mostly clothes and photos.”
“Cool.” Kieran entered as she backed up, and Maggie sent me a small smile.
“Hi, Bennett. Good to see you.”
“You too, hon.” I was a prick. She was about to hate me, wasn’t she?
“Can we talk?” Kieran asked.
Maggie furrowed her brow but nodded and gestured to the kitchen.
We passed a stack of three moving boxes in the hallway and headed into the kitchen, where Maggie offered to make us coffee.
