Where butterflies go, p.20
Where Butterflies Go, page 20
Max took the photograph from my hand. At first, he seemed stunned, his gaze moving from it to me. Then he stared at it for the longest time. “Look at you, Meira,” he finally said. “Always a beauty.”
I bit back a smile. “That is my husband, Avrom, and my daughter, Tovah. She was five there. My father made that dress for her.”
“She was beautiful too.” He reached out and lightly touched a fingertip to Tovah’s face.
“She was. Inside and out.”
“And that’s your husband.” He held the picture a little closer. “I can’t imagine how it felt for him to watch his family suffer that way. I think about that sometimes. If it were Jonathan and Sarah, how I would have handled it. What I would have done.”
“No, Max. Do not think about that. Be thankful you were not there. I will tell you that Avrom had more strength and courage than I knew. He kept us alive for years in the ghetto, doing anything he had to, things he would not even tell me about. But it tortured him to see how Tovah suffered, and me too. In the end, his spirit was broken. It was all too much.”
“But they never broke your spirit.”
“Yes, they did. It just took me longer to realize it.”
“Meira—”
I shook my head. “I do not want to cry every time I talk about them or look at this photograph. I only wanted to show you my family and to share them with you.”
He studied the picture a moment more before passing it back. “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
I smiled wistfully. “I have something else to tell you, but you cannot tell anyone else. At least, not until after it happens.”
He arched an eyebrow curiously.
“The man who spoke to me at Gimbels was not Commandant Glostnik. I found out that Glostnik is dead. He escaped after the war and died a free man in Italy. The man I saw is Gerhard Halder. He was SS at Auschwitz, and no less guilty than Glostnik, but he will not be a free man for long. The Israelis are taking him to Israel, where he will stand trial for his crimes.”
Max sat a little straighter. “How do you know this?”
“I cannot say, but since your government is unlikely to take action, the Israelis are going to see that justice is done.”
“Did Sylvia tell you this?”
I shook my head and pressed my lips together. “It was hard to hear that Glostnik was never punished, but at least Gerhard Halder will not be able to live his life as if he did nothing wrong.”
Max touched my arm. “I’m sorry about Glostnik. But this other man, it sounds like you’re saying the Israelis are hunting down Nazis.”
“Yes. It seems they are.”
Max looked as astonished as I’d felt when David told me.
“Knowing that there are people out there seeking justice for what happened gives me a sense of peace I was missing before. I would like to visit Israel someday. If the world were to go crazy again, there is at least one place that would welcome me.”
He smiled. “Yes. I would like to go there someday too.”
Maybe we could go together. “Max, there’s something else I wanted to talk about.”
He laid his arm across the back of the bench and shifted to face me.
Close your eyes and leap. My palms began to sweat as I tried to decide where to start. “That first night when we met at your sister’s apartment and you did not want to be introduced to me or anyone else—”
He shook his head. “Meira—”
“It is all right. I understood. I did not want to meet anyone either, but now I think I have changed my mind.”
“You changed your mind?” His gaze sharpened on mine.
I nodded, and my heart sped up to a gallop.
“Why have you changed your mind? Have you met someone?” he asked.
“Yes.”
Max looked stricken. Was this not good news to him? Did he misunderstand my meaning?
“It is you, Max. You changed my mind.”
At first, he had no reaction, and I worried that I’d read the situation wrong. Did he not feel the same way I did? Was I making a fool of myself?
Then it all changed. His gaze warmed, and he leaned in closer. “You want to date me, Meira?”
Nerves jumped beneath my skin as I nodded, still unsure of his feelings. His smile was so subtle, I might have missed it if I hadn’t been watching him so closely.
“I changed my mind too,” he said. “I changed it that very first night, but by then I’d already been unforgivably rude to you. So I’ve spent all this time trying to show you that I’m not the man you met that night.”
He’d changed his mind the first night he met me? I watched him, wondering if he was serious.
Max’s hand came up and cupped my cheek, and he looked into my eyes as if searching for something. “I’m glad you changed your mind, Meira.”
“It has been a long time, Max. I am still a shadow of the person I used to be, and so afraid of disappointing you.”
He shook his head. “Not possible.”
Then, ever so slowly, giving me time to turn away or say no, he leaned in and touched his lips to mine. Cupping my face in his hands, he pressed in closer.
The subtle scent of his aftershave surrounded me as I got caught up in the sensation of Max’s breath mingling with mine. I kissed him too, my hand wrapping around the back of his neck to keep him close. The blood pounded in my ears. It was frightening to feel so strongly about someone again, but it was also exhilarating.
When the kiss ended, Max still held on to me as his chest rose and fell like he’d just run a race. “Do you think Lenore and Charlie had their first kiss on this bench?”
I pressed my forehead to his and smiled at the thought.
“Maybe we should commemorate ours.” Max reached inside his jacket pocket. “Where’s a Swiss Army knife when you need one?”
I suspected he was purposely trying to make me laugh because he was worried. “I am all right,” I said, noticing the creases in his forehead.
“Are you sure?” he asked, and I knew I was right.
“Yes, Max.” I pressed a hand to his cheek and smiled. “I am sure.”
His eyes locked with mine, filled with so much emotion, it was as if his gaze held me just as tightly as his arms could. I got the feeling that he was afraid to look away, because then I might disappear.
“Have you had dinner?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Would you have dinner with me?”
“Are you going to buy me a hot dog again?”
He grinned. “I was thinking of something a little nicer.”
“Nicer than a hot dog and a Ferris wheel ride?”
“Yes, nicer than that, and quieter and—” He abruptly stopped and looked at his watch. “But I have Jonathan. I’m sorry.”
I tried to hide my disappointment, but I couldn’t begrudge him time with his son. “That is all right. Another time.”
He raked a hand through his hair. “Would you really be okay with something as simple as a hot dog?”
I hesitated, not sure why he was asking.
“If so, I have an idea, but it’s not Coney Island.”
“What is it?”
“I’m not going to tell you and risk your saying no. But Jonathan will have to join us, if that’s all right.”
He wanted me to join him and his son? “Are you sure? I do not want to interrupt time with your son.”
“You’re not an interruption, Meira. You’ll come then?”
I frowned. “But I do not know what I am agreeing to.”
Max chuckled. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Then trust me.” With a grin, he stood, held out his hand to me, and I took it.
Nerves rioted in my belly. When Max asked me if a simple dinner was okay, I wasn’t expecting this.
“You’re eating slowly to avoid the inevitable,” Max said with a knowing smile.
“This is a very large portion. How fast do you think I can eat?”
“I’ve already had three egg rolls and all the lo mein,” Jonathan said, bragging from the back seat.
Max turned to face him. “And did any of that spicy mustard make it into your mouth, or are you saving it all for later on your shirt?”
“Ha-ha.” Jonathan uselessly dabbed a napkin to one of the stains.
“Don’t worry about it, kiddo.” Max winked.
We all sat in Max’s Mercury eating Chinese food from cartons. I’d eaten Chinese food many times before, but somehow it tasted better eating it with Max and his son in a dark, deserted parking lot in Queens.
“Maybe it would be better to do this during the day,” I said.
“I can’t believe you’ve never driven a car before.” Jonathan chuckled. “And I really can’t believe my dad is letting you drive his car. What if you wreck it?”
My eyes widened at that thought.
Max gave Jonathan a quelling look before turning back to me. “You’re not going to wreck it, Meira. Don’t you want to learn?”
Did I? Of course. The thought of driving this big machine still excited me. “Yes.”
“Good thing you got the Merc-O-Matic Drive, Dad. Imagine her trying to figure out the clutch.”
“What is a clutch?” I asked, looking over the complicated dashboard.
“That’s a third pedal on the floor you press to shift gears. This car doesn’t have that,” Max said.
“Only girls drive automatics. This was supposed to be my mom’s car when Dad ordered it.”
Max turned to the back seat. “Automatics aren’t just for girls, and that’s enough from the peanut gallery.” Then he looked back at me. “It’s easier to learn to drive an automatic car. So, really, there’s nothing to be nervous about. Ready to switch places?”
Without waiting for my answer, Max got out of the car and came around to the passenger side where I sat.
Before I got out, I turned to look at Jonathan. “Do you really think I can do this?”
My question seemed to catch him off guard, as if he were surprised I’d ask his opinion. He took a moment to think.
“Dad said you went through a lot of really bad stuff before we met you. If you could do that, you can probably do this too.”
My chest tightened with emotion. “I think so too.”
“And since we’re only in a parking lot, you can’t get into that much trouble.”
Max chuckled behind me.
I got out of the car and exchanged a smile with him as I passed. “What is a peanut gallery?”
“Just a saying from a kids’ TV show. Good going with the encouragement, champ.” Max reached in and mussed his son’s hair.
When Max first asked me to join them tonight, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about the three of us being together, wondering if it would bring back too many memories of my own family. But I shouldn’t have worried. Jonathan was very different from Tovah. The way he related to his father, the teasing and joking, was as unique to them as it was heartwarming to see.
Max moved the driver’s seat in closer for my shorter legs. When I slid behind the wheel and wrapped my fingers around it, I felt a zing of excitement. To be in control of this large vehicle gave me a feeling of power I hadn’t expected, and we hadn’t even moved yet.
“Now you’re in park,” Max said. “When you want to move forward, step on the brake and push this to DR for drive.”
Max explained all the switches and dials, and when I felt ready, I did as he said. I stepped on the brake and moved the lever to DR.
“You’ve got plenty of running room,” Max said. “Move your foot to the gas pedal now.”
“Oh!” I squealed as the car lurched forward.
“Step on the brake, Meira.” Max leaned over and pointed to the other pedal on the floor.
I pressed the brake and the car jerked to a stop.
Jonathan laughed from the back seat.
“It’s okay,” Max said. “Try again, but this time press lighter on the gas pedal.”
Gripping the wheel tightly, I took my foot off the brake more slowly this time and barely touched the gas as the car rolled forward.
“Good.” Max smiled with encouragement. “Press down a little more to go faster.”
I clenched my teeth as I pushed down more on the gas.
“I’m doing it.” I beamed at Max.
“A snail could beat you in a race,” Jonathan said and rolled around on the seat, holding his tummy as he laughed.
I turned to glance at him, and Max grabbed the wheel. “Eyes straight ahead. Always keep your eyes on the road, or in this case, the parking lot.”
“Right. Sorry.” I looked out the windshield and flexed my fingers on the wheel.
Next, Max showed me how much to turn the wheel and how to gradually come to a stop. Even as my heart raced, I grinned the entire time as I circled the parking lot, enjoying the way the car responded to each action I took.
“This is fun,” I said after circling for the third time.
“Just wait until he lets you go over ten miles an hour,” Jonathan said, joking.
“One thing at a time.” Max said.
“I think I can drive us home,” I said, heading for the exit.
“No way!” Jonathan yelled as Max’s eyes widened.
“Now I am joking.” I chuckled.
Max shook his head and smirked. “It was a great first lesson, but how about you park it over there?”
I turned the wheel and maneuvered into the parking spot he’d indicated.
“You’re a natural,” Max said when we switched places and he came back to the driver’s side.
As Max drove home, I watched what his hands and feet did, now that I understood what it all meant. When we got to my apartment, Jonathan stayed in the car while Max walked me to the door. It was a fun night, the most fun I’d had since coming to this country.
“Thanks for being such a good sport,” Max said. “Sorry if Jonathan picked on you too much. He thinks he’s a comedian.”
“He is very spirited. No need to apologize.” I smiled as I thought of the silly jokes the boy had made, mainly at my expense.
Max’s grin faded as he slowly backed me into the doorway, out of view of the street. “I like it when you smile, Meira.” He ran the back of his fingers over my cheek. “I like when you smile at me even more.”
It was my smile that he kissed. His lips moved against mine until the smile was lost among our kisses. After dismissing this part of myself for so long, I was relieved that I could feel this much after trying so hard not to feel anything.
After Max left, I walked into the apartment in a daze. Blanka’s bedroom door was closed, leaving me both relieved and disappointed.
On the one hand, I wasn’t ready to share my news about Max. I wanted to keep it to myself for a little while, savor it like a sweet secret. But on the other hand, I would have enjoyed reliving it again with Blanka, knowing I couldn’t find a more enthusiastic audience.
As I got ready for bed, my thoughts were full of Max—how he smelled, how he moved, the deep tone of his voice, and the way he looked at me. I think I liked the way he looked at me the most.
I didn’t want to compare Max to Avrom, but I couldn’t help wondering if Avrom ever looked at me that way. He looked at me with affection, but not like he couldn’t bear to look away. The first kiss I shared with Avrom didn’t curl my toes the same way Max’s kiss did. His touch didn’t set me on fire.
But I was so young when I first met Avrom. Every look we shared seemed so meaningful. I made him the star of my girlish romantic dreams. After what happened with Zotia, I didn’t want to let those dreams die. I sought Avrom out while he stood back and waited. He was quiet, more reserved than Max, and he never talked about his feelings, but neither did I. We just were.
Then the war broke out, and survival was all we could think about.
What would Avrom and I have become if the war had never happened? Would our love have grown deeper over time as we watched Tovah grow? It wasn’t hard to imagine what life with Avrom would have been like. I could picture it so easily, much more easily than I could picture a life with Max.
I looked out my window into the dimly lit courtyard behind the building and thought that ten years ago, I couldn’t have pictured this life either. Just me, alone in New York. But here I was.
If there was one thing I’d learned, it was that the future could not be predicted.
Some mornings my eyes would open at first light, and it would all come rushing back at me—everything I’d lost, like a freight train barreling into me head on. Other mornings, I would awaken quietly, sluggishly moving through my day in a dark cloud of anger and denial.
But this morning, my eyes opened, and the light pouring through my window looked brighter than it had before. I had new things to think about, possibilities I hadn’t considered before.
I’d spent a week thinking about the new job Sylvia had proposed, and the more I thought about it, the more I came to understand that I couldn’t say no. It didn’t matter how I felt about it or how much it scared me, I owed it to my family to talk about what happened to them. I owed it to my heritage, and to the generations of families that would never be.
And I owed it to myself. It was time to stop hiding in my apartment, to go out and do something meaningful, like David was doing.
Then there was Max. Thoughts of him were never far from my mind. He had woken up a part of me that refused to go back to sleep again.
Max had come to my apartment twice since I had my driving lesson last week. The first time, Blanka was here too, and we all had dinner together while she ogled him and laughed at his jokes. The next time he came over, it was just us, and I melted each time he touched me.
This weekend, Max was going to give me another driving lesson, and this time he wanted me to come to his apartment afterward. There was no Blanka at his apartment, and Jonathan was with his mother. We could be alone there.
It had been a long time since I’d felt close to someone or let someone get close to me. I was no expert at relationships or how they worked here in America, but the last time I saw Max, it seemed as though something was off. He was distracted, not quite himself. Afraid I had done something wrong, I asked him if he was all right, and he alluded to an argument he’d had with his ex-wife, but wouldn’t elaborate.
