When we left the park, I didn’t want Max to take me to my apartment. I wanted to go to his. I wanted to see where he lived, and I wanted to be alone with him. We wouldn’t be alone at my place.

  Max lived in a building with a doorman and an elevator. Based on the dark wood paneling and chandelier in the lobby, the apartments here had to be grand.

  We took an elevator up to the tenth floor, standing close together, holding hands. It felt like Max wanted to keep me near him. Even though we knew each other, this physical freedom was new. Giving in to the need to touch each other was addictive. Neither of us wanted to stop.

  When he took me inside his apartment, he didn’t turn on the lights, and I got the impression of an empty cavernous space. Floor-to-ceiling windows were covered by sheer curtains that muted the moonlight. We took off our coats and looked at each other in the darkness.

  “Would you like something to drink?” he asked.

  I shook my head as I noted how empty and cold his apartment felt. So unlike him.

  “I haven’t done much with it yet,” he said, reading my expression.

  He hadn’t made it a home. He didn’t have his son with him all the time. There was no wife or family around anymore.

  Picturing him sitting by himself in this empty place, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let go. He needed me, and I needed him. Instead of fighting it or pretending it wasn’t there, I let it wash over me, until that was all there was. My need for Max and my wish to give all of myself to him.

  With my eyes on his, I began to unbutton my dress, starting at my collar and moving downward.

  Max stepped in close and stilled my hand. “Are you sure?”

  I nodded as I reached for the buttons on his shirt, but he took my hand and lifted my wrist to his lips before he kissed the jagged scars that snaked down my forearm. I nearly cried at the tender gesture. He was sharing my pain but healing it at the same time.

  He continued to undress me so slowly, his hands pushing away the fabric and then his lips trailing kisses over the exposed skin. It was agonizingly slow, and when I reached for his shirt and impatiently tugged at the buttons, he laughed softly and undid them himself.

  When our clothes were in piles on the carpet, he lifted me and carried me to his bed.

  There were no nerves or second thoughts. Looking into Max’s eyes, as deep and green as the sea, I welcomed him inside me. I let myself love him without reservation. If it all ended tomorrow and this night was all we had, I wouldn’t have wanted to miss this moment for fear of losing all the moments to come.

  One month later . . .

  Max had no inhibitions when it came to his naked body. I would wrap myself in a blanket when I slipped out of bed or quickly pull on a shirt. Not Max. He walked around the bedroom without a stitch of clothing on while my gaze traveled over his every dip and curve.

  “Morning, sleepyhead.” He grinned from the doorway of his closet as he reached for a pair of pants.

  “Morning.” Lazily, I stretched my arms out over my head and sighed at the soreness in my muscles.

  Max’s apartment was huge, but nearly empty. After Sarah left and took most of the furnishings with her, he never bothered to replace anything. In the living room, he had a television, a couch, and one table. He had a bed and one dresser in the bedroom, and only two cups, two plates, and a handful of silverware in the kitchen.

  Jonathan’s room, on the other hand, was packed with toys, books, and sports equipment. Max made sure his son’s room would still feel like home, but he made no such efforts for himself. I didn’t have much more at my own apartment, but something about Max’s place made me sad. It also made me want to make a home for the both of us. Everyone should have a home filled with all the things that made up a full life.

  “Up for another driving lesson today?” Max had pants on now, and he held a shirt loosely in his hand as he came to stand beside the bed.

  I reached out and ran my fingers over the ridges of his stomach muscles. He sucked in a breath. Then I grasped his hand and tugged him down to me. He pretended I was strong enough to pull him onto the bed as he fell beside me and kissed my lips.

  Our first time sleeping together could have been awkward or frightening since it had been so long for me, but Max put me at ease. He made me feel beautiful and desired, and I forgot to be scared or feel guilty. It was special, and so was each time that followed.

  When I opened my eyes on the mornings we were together and turned to see Max’s head on the pillow next to mine, there was an unexpected lightness inside my chest. It was foreign and slow to surface, like a shy turtle peeking out of its shell. Sometimes, I was still afraid to be happy, but I could admit that Max made me happy, and that was progress. Even though I couldn’t put into words all that I was feeling, I could show him. Because I had so much to show him, we weren’t dressed in time for breakfast, but we were ready by lunchtime. Just in time to go pick up Jonathan.

  “Do you think I am ready to take the Mercury out on the city streets?” I asked Max as I turned the car into the parking lot of the diner. He drove most of the way here, only letting me drive when we left the gas station a block away.

  “It’s not much fun driving in the city. You mostly ride the brake.”

  “Ride the brake? You mean press the brake more than the gas?”

  Max glanced around the lot, watching for Jonathan. “That’s right. Nice parking job, by the way.”

  It was Max’s weekend with Jonathan, and Sarah was meeting Max here to drop Jonathan off. Although I’d heard much about Sarah, this was my first time meeting her.

  I was a bit anxious, which was silly, since she might not even get out of her car. But from what I’d heard, Sarah could be volatile, and for Max’s sake and Jonathan’s, I didn’t want an uncomfortable scene. It was no mistake that Max planned this first meeting in a public location. He couldn’t predict how Sarah might react to seeing me. Certainly, she’d heard about me by now from Jonathan.

  “Relax.” I turned off the motor and handed Max the key. “What is the worst that can happen?”

  “She can make a spectacle of herself and embarrass Jonathan.” He sighed. “She could also say any number of awful things to you.”

  I smiled at his nervousness and his worry for both Jonathan and me. “If she behaves that way, she will only embarrass herself.”

  Looking toward the diner, I could see the faces of customers sitting in booths by the windows. They might get a show they weren’t expecting. I imagined our plan to eat lunch here once Jonathan arrived would be canceled if Sarah made a scene.

  “Will it bother you if she’s difficult?” he asked quietly. “My life can be complicated, Meira, especially when it comes to Sarah and issues that concern our son.”

  The hesitance in his voice surprised me. Did he really think I’d meet Sarah and run in the other direction?

  “It will bother me if she bothers you. But she will not chase me away, if that is what you are worried about.”

  He smiled ruefully. “I might be a little worried.”

  “Well, do not be.” I leaned over and kissed him.

  Max kissed me back, but he seemed distracted. How worried about this first meeting was he?

  “I always thought I’d have a few kids, or at least two, but then Sarah and I broke up, and I figured it wasn’t in the cards. Have you ever thought about having more children, Meira?”

  My gaze flew to his. “No.” The word came out quickly.

  Max opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again.

  “What? You thought my answer would be different?” Unreasonable anger swept over me so suddenly, I blinked at the burning sensation in my stomach.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” His calming tone only made me more upset.

  “You want another child?”

  He nodded. “I don’t just want a child, Meira. I want our child.”

  I pressed my lips together. “I am almost forty.”

  “My grandmother had my father when she was forty.”

  My eyes closed. “Please, Max. Do not ask this of me. How could I bring another child into the world? I cannot control what will happen now, any more than I could then. What if there is war again? I could not have another child, only to watch it suffer.”

  Max took my hand in his. I went to pull it away, but he held on tight. “I understand why you would feel that way. I can’t predict the future either, but I do think the world learned from what happened. You’re helping it to keep learning. If you want a child, don’t let fear stop you. Don’t let the people who took so much from you take one more thing away.”

  His words wrapped around my heart and squeezed it tight.

  Did I want to be a mother again? I loved being a mother to Tovah, but I couldn’t protect her. How selfish would I be to have another child that I couldn’t protect? Unlike Max, I wasn’t so sure the world had learned anything.

  “Here’s Sarah.” Max got out of the car and went to meet the gray sedan that had parked in the spot across from us.

  I took a deep breath as I pushed open the driver’s side door, feeling more brittle than I would have liked while meeting Max’s ex-wife for the first time.

  Jonathan flew out of the back seat and ran to Max. After a quick hug, Jonathan began his usual nonstop chatter about what he’d done with his friends all week. A slim woman with long, sleek hair the color of chestnuts pushed open the driver’s door and stepped out. She was beautiful, like a movie star with high heels and dark sunglasses.

  I’d made an effort that morning with heels and a maroon dress that cinched at the waist, but Sarah was on an entirely different level. As a couple, Max and Sarah must have been stunning together, but there was an edge to her that I could sense from where I stood. Her deep red lips were turned down in a scowl, and her arms were held stiffly by her sides.

  “Is that Mara?” she asked Max, jutting her chin in my direction, speaking as if I weren’t standing right here.

  “This is Meira,” Max said, correcting her as he put out his arm and beckoned me to his side.

  “Good to meet you, Sarah,” I said.

  Picking up on the tension, Jonathan stopped talking as he looked from his mother to me.

  “Jonathan said you gave her my car.” Sarah frowned in my direction without acknowledging my greeting.

  Max stiffened. “I said you could keep the car if you wanted it.”

  “In that god-awful color? Are you serious?”

  Max sighed, and Sarah’s gaze traveled over me in an assessing way. I wasn’t sure what she saw, but her scowl deepened.

  “Make sure you get Jonathan to school on time Monday. He said you were late last time.”

  “I wasn’t late,” Max said.

  “Mom gets me there at eight fifteen, and you dropped me off at eight twenty-five,” Jonathan said.

  “You have to be there by eight thirty, champ. You had five minutes to spare.”

  Sarah eyed me again before she motioned Jonathan over to her. She handed him a small duffel bag and pulled him into a hug before she slipped back into her car without bothering to say good-bye to us.

  “That could have been worse,” I said under my breath.

  “She was rude, pretending like you weren’t even standing here. Thank you for being so polite.”

  “You do not have to thank me for that. It is good she did not make a scene in front of Jonathan.”

  Jonathan walked over with his duffel bag over his shoulder.

  “Are you okay?” Max said softly so Jonathan wouldn’t hear.

  “Of course. She does not bother me, but I am sorry she upsets you.”

  Max put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to him. “I don’t mean about Sarah. I mean what we talked about before she arrived.”

  I wasn’t okay, but I didn’t want to talk about it again and risk crying in front of Jonathan. With a quick nod, I changed the subject.

  “Why did you get that car in such a bright yellow color anyway?” I asked. “And it has that odd black stripe on the side. It does not seem like you to be so ostentatious.”

  The new topic surprised him as he looked from me to the car. “You think this car is ostentatious?”

  “What’s ostentatious mean?” Jonathan asked.

  “It is when you want to be noticed,” I said.

  Max ran a hand over the bumper. “You’re right. It’s not my style. But I wanted an automatic transmission, and all the dealer had was Swallowtail Yellow or Laguna Blue. Now that I’m used to it, I think the yellow’s kind of sharp.”

  “This color is called Swallowtail Yellow?”

  Max nodded. “They named it after a kind of butterfly, the salesman said, a yellow one with black-tipped wings.”

  “A yellow butterfly with black-tipped wings,” I whispered, staring at the car as my body went still.

  Max’s words repeated in my head, sinking deep inside me. The whole world seemed to stop except my own heart, which felt as if it might pound out of my chest as I pictured the small images carved into the floor.

  “Butterflies,” I said, tracing my hand over the carvings. “You’re drawing butterflies.”

  Tovah nodded. “I saw one.”

  “Really? Where?”

  “On my sleeve, when I was coming back from getting our rations with Papa. It landed on me, and when I tried to touch it, it flew away.”

  I ran my hand over her hair, gathering the unruly locks that had fallen into her eyes. “What color was it?”

  “Yellow, and it was black on the tips of its wings. I thought maybe it was Zayde saying hello. I don’t know why I thought that. Probably because I never saw a butterfly here before, and I haven’t seen once since.”

  My throat tightened. “Maybe it was Zayde giving you a little butterfly kiss.”

  “Maybe there are lots of butterflies where Zayde went. If I die, Mama, I’ll come back and give you a butterfly kiss too.”

  My gaze shifted from the car to Max. Was I crazy to think that his car was the sign from Tovah I’d been hoping for, the one I’d given up on? Him and that yellow car with the black pinstripe. Was Max my butterfly kiss? Had Tovah sent him to me?

  When the world began to move again, it beamed in the sunlight. I blinked Max into focus. There he stood, smiling curiously at me, and I wondered what he saw in my expression.

  What did someone having a revelation look like? I didn’t know how to tell him all I was feeling in that moment, all the emotions bursting inside me.

  Instead of struggling to find the right words, I put my arms around him and hugged him as tightly as I could. He wound his arms around me automatically like he always did because he loved me. All of me, even the parts that I didn’t like very much. Max was a good man right down to his soul. After all the evil and hatred I’d experienced in the world, good was everything I needed. Maybe Tovah knew that better than I did.

  “Are you okay?” Max asked.

  “Yes.” I smiled and held him close because for the first time in a very long time, I truly was okay.

  Someday I’d tell Max the story of the butterfly kisses, but for now, it would be our secret. Tovah’s and mine.

  Greenwich, Connecticut, 1966

  Sometimes I imagine a fragile thread is all that connects us to everything else. That thread can bend and overlap in places, or it can unravel and give way. As forces pull on it, you can try to hold on, but once it’s broken, that piece of thread can’t be mended. All you can do is take hold of another thread or let yourself drift alone, untethered to the world around you.

  I used to think that was what I wanted, to be alone, with no connections and no more losses. I thought the pain of loss was so great, that not loving anyone was better, but I was wrong. Feeling empty and alone wasn’t better. It was just empty. Max helped me see that. He made me want to grab hold of life again, and each day I was thankful that he did.

  As we sat together in the synagogue, I couldn’t help thinking how handsome Max looked in his suit. His thick hair was now more gray at the temples, and laugh lines were etched into the skin around his eyes and mouth. I didn’t think it was possible, but he only got better looking with time.

  I wasn’t aging quite so gracefully. My hair color now came from a bottle, and no amount of moisturizer could make my wrinkles disappear. My joints ached sometimes, especially my shoulders and back. The doctor said my time in the ghetto and the camp had likely taken a toll that was only revealing itself now, all these years later.

  But I paid no mind to the mirror or my aches and pains. I had too much to be grateful for.

  As everyone watched, Talia stood from her seat and took her place at the lectern on the bima. Max reached for my hand, seeming just as nervous as she was. After pulling in a shaky breath, Talia met Max’s gaze where we sat in the first row, and I knew he’d given her his trademark wink when she smirked and relaxed her shoulders.

  I’d done her hair that morning. Two twists pulled most of her hair back off her face, and they were fastened with barrettes just above her ears. The rest of her dark blond curls rested on her shoulders. Her dress was blue, her favorite color. Talia had my coloring, but she resembled Max more. Her temperament was similar to his, steady and thoughtful.

  They were fast friends, Max and Talia, an unstoppable team, and I found myself ganged up on quite a bit, but I didn’t mind. I’d carried her inside me. I named her after Tovah and Leah, and I loved her more than I thought I could love anyone or anything.

  As Talia started to recite her half Torah portion, her voice soft but confident, I turned and looked around the synagogue at all the familiar and unfamiliar faces. Max and his family made up the majority of the guests at Talia’s bat mitzvah. My only family was Zotia and the family she’d built here in America with Eli and their two sons, who now had families of their own.

  Blanka was here with her husband, and David had flown in from Israel, much to my surprise. Unlike everyone else, he hadn’t married or had children, but he was still a young man. David and I often exchanged letters, and I asked him once why he hadn’t met a nice girl yet. There must have been plenty of girls to choose from. David was a hero, capturing escaped Nazi soldiers, working for Israeli intelligence, and now training to become a pilot in Israel’s fledgling air force.

 

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