Always, p.12
Always, page 12
She hugged him. “Thank God. Will you stay the night?”
“Are you sure?” he asked. “I’ll understand if you want to take things slow, and not risk confusing Ethan right now.”
“I’m sure,” she said. “I don’t want to hide our relationship from anyone, including my kids.”
He kissed her again before falling back on the bed and bringing her with him. “In that case, I think we need to celebrate our new relationship status with more orgasms.”
Jocelyn gave him a saucy grin. “I couldn’t agree more.”
CHAPTER 16
Sawyer stepped inside the large office building and crossed the lobby toward the front desk. Ford worked as a security guard for the building, and Sawyer scanned the front desk. He didn’t see Ford, but Jimmy, another security guard, waved at him. “Hey, Sawyer. I’ll let Ford know you’re here.”
“Thanks, man.” He pivoted and headed toward the atrium, finding a seat at one of the tables and setting down the two coffees he carried. The atrium was nearly empty, with only a few tables occupied by people who worked in the building.
Ford dropped into the chair beside him. “Hey.”
They fist bumped, and Sawyer handed him one of the coffees. Ford opened the lid and took a sip before giving him a look of appreciation. “Thanks, Sawyer. This is way better than the shitty coffee Jimmy makes.”
Sawyer laughed. “You’re welcome. How long is your coffee break?”
“I’ve got about twenty minutes,” Ford said.
Sawyer studied him. “So… three months married tomorrow. How’s it feel?”
“Great,” Ford said, a grin lighting up his face. “Really great, actually. Stella and I are doing a little getaway this weekend to celebrate.”
“Yeah, Jocelyn mentioned it to me,” Sawyer said.
“Three months for you and Jocelyn, too,” Ford said.
“It is.” Sawyer sipped at his coffee.
Ford gave him a look, and Sawyer said, “What?”
“Don’t what me. Tell me what’s wrong,” Ford said.
“There isn’t anything wrong,” Sawyer said.
“You don’t normally ask to have coffee with me in the middle of a workday,” Ford said. “Is it not working out with Jocelyn?”
“Why? Did she say something to Stella?” Sawyer asked.
“No,” Ford shook his head, “but now you look like you’re freaking the fuck out.”
Sawyer sighed. “Things are good between us, they are, but…”
Ford waited patiently as Sawyer hesitated, picking at his coffee lid before finally saying, “She doesn’t rely on me for anything.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’ve been dating for three months, and she doesn’t ask me for help. Not with the kids, not with shit around the house… nothing. Getting her to share anything with me that isn’t good news or positive is impossible. Even if I can tell she’s had a bad day or the kids are acting up, she pretends everything is fine. It’s like she doesn’t want me to see the real her. She only wants me to see her as this fun, sexy woman twenty-four/seven.”
He took another swallow of coffee. “It’s because of her ex and how he treated her, but it doesn’t matter how many times I tell her she doesn’t have to be perfect, it doesn’t change her behaviour. She has a wall between us, and I don’t know how to knock it down. I don’t doubt that she’s attracted to me or that she likes me, but…”
“But you’re in love with her,” Ford said.
“I am, but she doesn’t feel the same way.”
“Have you told her you love her?” Ford asked.
“No. I don’t want Jocelyn to feel pressured to say she loves me when she isn’t there yet.” Sawyer took a deep breath and shared his fear. “I’m not sure she ever will be, Ford.”
“That’s rough, and I’m sorry.” Ford squeezed his shoulder. “I wish I knew what to say, but Stella’s been my only relationship, and she’s very open about her thoughts and feelings, good and bad. So, I never have to guess what she’s thinking.”
“I need to talk to Jocelyn again, to explain that I want this to be a full partnership, and I can handle the good and the bad. It’s not going to work if she won’t trust me.”
Sawyer’s phone rang and he pulled it out of his pocket, frowning a little. “Jocelyn is calling me, and she never calls while she’s working.”
He hit the answer button. “Hello, Butterfly.”
His vague sense of unease sharpened when he heard the anxiety in Jocelyn’s voice. “Sawyer, I’m at St. Mary’s Hospital with Ethan.”
“What?” He exploded out of his seat, the unease turning to panic. “What happened?”
“He’s okay,” she said quickly. “He fell off a jungle gym thing at the daycare and broke his arm.”
“I’m on my way, sweetheart,” Sawyer said.
“Can you pick up Julie from daycare first?” Jocelyn asked. “She’s still there, and I don’t want to leave Ethan.”
“Yes,” Sawyer said. “I’ll be there soon, Butterfly.”
He ended the call, and Ford said, “What’s wrong?”
“Ethan broke his arm at daycare, and Jocelyn is at the hospital with him. I’m picking up Julie from daycare and heading to the hospital.”
“Shit,” Ford said. “Do you need me to go with you? I can grab Stella’s keys from her. She has a car seat in the backseat.”
“No, I bought a couple of car seats last month and installed them in my car,” Sawyer said.
“Okay,” Ford said. His phone buzzed, and he read the message. “It’s Stella. Jocelyn just texted her.”
He stood. “Stella’s freaking out a little, so I’m going to head up to her floor and let her know you’re on your way to the hospital to be with Jocelyn.”
“Thanks, Ford.” His stomach tense, and worry for Ethan clawing at his chest, Sawyer ran to his car.
Jocelyn smoothed Ethan’s hair and leaned down to kiss his forehead. He’d fallen asleep about five minutes ago, and she watched the even rise and fall of his chest before staring at the cast on his left arm.
Her stomach clenched tight, and her throat burned. She took a deep breath and leaned back in the chair she was sitting in next to Ethan’s bed. He was fine. Her baby would be okay. She glanced at her phone, her stomach churning for an entirely different reason.
Sawyer was the first person she’d called, nearly desperate for the sound of his voice, and needing him to be with her. But now she was second-guessing her decision. She should have asked her parents to pick up Julie and asked Stella to come to the hospital.
Sawyer didn’t need to see her like this. As much as she tried to tell herself she was okay, she was about two minutes from a complete breakdown. But the very second the daycare called her, she had wanted Sawyer and his quiet strength in a way that, frankly, scared her a little. If she became clingy and needy with him, if she stopped being the fun, sexy woman he saw her as, she’d lose him, and that would destroy her.
She took another deep breath. Okay, she could do this. Maybe calling Sawyer was a mistake, but when he got here, she would be strong and brave and -
“Butterfly?”
She stood and whipped around as Sawyer walked toward her. He held Julie in one arm, and she smiled happily at Jocelyn. “Mama!”
Jocelyn immediately burst into tears, and Sawyer used his free arm to pull her against him. She buried her face in his chest, clinging to him as she sobbed loudly.
“Mama?” Julie’s voice sounded a little scared, and Jocelyn told herself to get her shit together, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
“She’s okay, Jules,” Sawyer said. “Your mama’s okay.”
“Come to Aunt Stella, baby.”
She had told Stella not to leave work, that Sawyer was on his way, but overwhelming gratitude washed over her when she heard her sister’s voice. She wanted to thank Stella, but she couldn’t even bring herself to lift her head from Sawyer’s chest. She felt Stella take Julie from Sawyer before she leaned in and pressed a kiss against Jocelyn’s temple. “Love you, honey.”
Sawyer’s other arm wrapped around her as Stella said, “Mom and Dad are on their way, and I’ve texted Brandon. He’s out on a job with no cell connection, but his assistant said she’d have him call as soon as he was back in range. Ford and I will take Julie to the cafeteria. Look after my girl, Sawyer.”
“I will,” Sawyer said.
She heard Stella leave the room and, still crying, Jocelyn fumbled blindly for the box of tissues on the tray. Sawyer grabbed a handful and gave them to her before rocking her gently and kissing the top of her forehead. “It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay.”
“I’m s-s-sorry,” she mumbled, mopping at the tears that were still flowing.
“You don’t have to be sorry,” Sawyer said, his hands rubbing her back in slow circles.
“Ethan’s okay. I don’t know why I’m c-c-c-crying,” Jocelyn sobbed. “I’m sorry I’m crying.”
“It’s okay to cry, sweetheart,” Sawyer said.
His compassion only made her cry harder, and she used his chest to muffle her sobs as he held her tight and continued to rub her back. Finally, after a shameful ten minutes, the crying slowed, and she loosened her grip on him. She used more tissues to wipe her face and blow her nose before giving him an embarrassed look.
“I’m sorry.”
He cupped her face and pressed a kiss against her lips. “You don’t need to be sorry, Butterfly.”
He led her to the chair next to Ethan’s bed and sat down, tugging her into his lap. He studied Ethan. “How is he?”
“He’s good,” she said. “They want to keep him overnight because he hit his head as well. He doesn’t have a concussion or anything, but they want to monitor him to be on the safe side.”
“And his arm?”
“He fractured his ulna and will be in a cast for six weeks.” She smiled a little. “By the time I got to the hospital, he’d already charmed half the nurses and eaten two popsicles.”
Sawyer laughed. “That’s my boy.”
Warmth washed over her at his words, but that soft voice in her head was still there. The one who told her that showing Sawyer every side of her was a bad idea. That being weak or too dependent on him, that being anything other than a sexy, confident woman, would drive Sawyer away just like it drove Rick away.
She hated that voice, loathed it in fact, but didn’t know how to get it to shut the fuck up. Even now, it drove her to say, “Thank you for picking up Julie and coming to the hospital. I should have asked my parents to do it.”
Hurt flickered across his face before he smoothed it away and smiled at her. “I’m glad you called me.”
He patted her thigh. “But your parents will be here soon, and you’ll have what you need, so I’m gonna go.”
She clung to him when he tried to slide her off his lap. Another hard rush of panic zapped her already stressed body, and she couldn’t keep pretending a moment longer. Tears clogging her throat, she said, “I need you, Sawyer.”
“Do you?” he asked. “Because I’m getting the distinct impression you regret calling me.”
Tears slipped down her cheeks, and Sawyer grimaced. “Fuck, I’m such an asshole. Don’t cry, Butterfly. I’m sorry.”
She sniffed loudly and shook her head. “No, please, don’t apologize. You aren’t being an asshole.”
“I am,” he said.
“You aren’t,” she insisted. “As soon as I found out Ethan was hurt, you were the first person I wanted to call. I knew that if I heard your voice, the panic and fear I felt would be better. And it was, Sawyer. But then, after, I… I was worried that I was asking too much of you.”
She gripped his hand, linking their fingers together as Sawyer said, “I want to be the person you come to when you need help, Jocelyn.”
“I don’t want to be a burden or for you to think I’m weak,” she said.
He squeezed her hand. “You are the strongest person I know, Jocelyn. I admire everything about you, and I love that you’re independent and strong, but I also don’t want you to hide it when you’re tired, upset, or in a bad mood. I want to be your person when you’re happy, when you’re sad, when you’re feeling like the vibrant, sexy woman you are, and when you’re in mom mode and covered in baby vomit. I want it all, Butterfly. The good and the bad.”
She started to cry again. “You mean that, don’t you?”
“Yes,” he said.
“I’m sorry I’m letting my past with Rick affect our relationship,” she said. “These last three months have been incredible, and I want to be with you, I do.”
“I want to be with you, too,” he said. “But I don’t want you hiding from me anymore, Jocelyn.”
“I won’t,” she said. “At least, I promise I’ll try not to, and you have my permission to call me out on it when I do.”
He smiled and kissed her forehead. “Okay.”
She leaned against him, and they snuggled quietly for a few minutes before he said, “Where is Rick?”
She made a face. “He’s out of town for some lawyer convention. His flight gets in tomorrow.”
“He’s not catching a flight tonight?” Sawyer asked.
Was it wrong that she kind of loved how evident the anger was in Sawyer’s voice? Because she was pissed off that Rick couldn’t bother to change his flight, and it felt good to know that Sawyer was right there with her.
“No. Once Rick found out it was, in his words, ‘just a fracture and a bump on the head’, he deemed it not an emergency.”
“Of course he fucking did,” Sawyer said in a low voice. “Christ, what an asshole he is.”
“In so many different ways,” she said. “But you know what? It doesn’t matter, because truthfully, Ethan will be happier that you’re here than he would be with Rick. You’ve been more of a dad to him in the last three months than Rick ever was, and I can’t thank you enough, Sawyer.”
She was getting weepy again, but this time she didn’t feel dumb or embarrassed, just an overwhelming happiness that Sawyer was a part of her life.
“I love being with you and Ethan and Julie,” Sawyer said. “I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
She hugged him, and he kissed her again before cupping the back of her neck and staring at her. “I’ll give you whatever you need from me, Butterfly. Always.”
She rested her forehead against his. “I know Stella or my parents will keep Julie for me overnight. Will you stay here with me at the hospital?”
“Yes,” he said.
“It won’t be comfortable. They have this little bed thingy that they bring in for a parent, but it’ll be a tight fit for the two of us, and it’ll be loud, and Ethan probably won’t sleep and -”
He pressed a kiss against her mouth before smiling at her. “The good and the bad, Jocelyn. Remember?”
“Yes,” she said. “Thank you, Sawyer.”
“You’re welcome, Jocelyn.”
CHAPTER 17
“I wanna go home now.” Ethan handed the empty Jello cup to Jocelyn. “Please, Mama?”
“Soon, honey,” Jocelyn said. “We’re just waiting for the doctor to look at your head one more time, and then we’ll go home. Okay?”
“I don’t want to wait,” Ethan said. “I’m bored. I wanna watch Bluey.”
“When we get home, you can lie on the couch with your favourite blanket and pillows and watch Bluey,” Jocelyn said.
“That sounds nice,” Ethan said.
Jocelyn laughed. “It does.”
“I want Sawyer to lie on the couch with me,” Ethan said.
“We’ll ask him when he comes back.”
Ethan poked at his cast, and Jocelyn patted his leg. “Does your arm hurt, baby?”
“A little,” he said. “Where’s Sawyer?”
“He went to get us coffee from the cafeteria,” she said. “He’ll be back soon.”
“How’s my favourite nephew?” Stella swept into the room, followed by Ford, who held Julie in one massive arm.
“Aunt Stella!” Ethan brightened, staring excitedly at the colourful bag that Stella held. “Is that a present for me?”
“It sure is, buddy. Here, I’ll help you open it.” Stella sat on the side of Ethan’s bed as Ford handed Julie to Jocelyn.
The baby snuggled into her, and Julie kissed her soft cheek. “Hi, baby.”
“Hi, Mama.”
“Were you a good girl for Aunt Stella and Uncle Ford last night?”
“She was perfect,” Ford said.
Stella laughed. “She absolutely was not perfect. She woke up in the middle of the night, cranky, needing a diaper change, and refusing to go back to sleep. Ford had to cuddle her and walk her back and forth in the hallway for about two and a half hours before she finally fell asleep again. He’s just saying she was perfect because she has him wrapped around her baby finger.”
“Don’t listen to a word she says, baby,” Ford said to Julie. “You’re my perfect little angel.”
“Cheese?” Julie said to Ford.
Ford reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a baggie of cheese. Julie squealed with excitement and practically dove back into his arms. Ford settled her in the crook of his arm and handed her a piece of cheese.
“Cheese, Mama!” Julie crowed happily.
“Oh my God, now you’re carrying bags of cheese in your pocket?” Stella laughed.
“Julie gets snacky,” Ford said.
“Uncle Ford, look!” Ethan held up the colouring book with his right hand. “I got a new colouring book!”
“That’s from me and Uncle Ford, buddy,” Stella said. “And in a few days, when your arm doesn’t hurt as much, Uncle Ford will draw something cool on your cast.”
“Really?” Ethan asked.
Ford nodded, and Ethan said, “I want a dragon!”
Still holding Julie, Ford sat in the chair beside Ethan’s bed. “What colour do you want the dragon, bud?”
As Ethan talked excitedly about the dragon, Stella joined Jocelyn. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good,” she said.
“Yeah?”
“Surprisingly, yes,” Jocelyn said. “Having Sawyer here with me has helped a lot. He spent the night, even though the bed thing they gave us was hella uncomfortable, and I practically had to lie on top of him for both of us to fit.”
