The comeback, p.7
The Comeback, page 7
“From the beginning?” she suggests.
“The beginning was a long time ago,” I tell her. “But I can start from the middle. That’s where all this mess started. I thought I was done with him, Rach. I truly did. Then, he walked into my life again, and I let him hurt me again.”
“Wait... you’re talking about Callum?”
“Yes,” I nod. “Who else?”
She leans closer to me, eager to hear my story. I give her a quick recap of how we saw each twice and slept together both times. She interrupts me there.
“Hold on, hold on...” she shakes her head disapprovingly at me. “Girl, you got laid and you didn’t report that?”
“I wanted to,” I say, pausing to take a sip. I point at the wine. “This is very good, by the way.”
“Never mind that,” she waves at me dismissively. “Tell me why you’ve been keeping me in the dark.”
She sounds a little offended, so I explain. “I kept rethinking the whole thing in my mind. I didn’t want you to tell me that I made a mistake.”
“But I was the one who told you to go ahead and sleep with the guy,” she reminds me.
“Yes, but...” I hesitate to continue, although I’m kind of sure she already knows what I’m going to say. “You said to do that thinking that I don’t feel anything for him anymore. Which is what I’ve been saying.”
“Yes, that’s what you’ve been saying,” she echoes my words. “But something tells me that’s not so... is it?”
I shake my head, taking another sip.
“Oh, Elsie, Elsie... you silly girl, what have you gotten yourself into?”
She walks over and sits next to me on the bed.
“You’re not over him at all, are you?” she asks, and doesn’t need a reply to that question. “Ay, ay, ay,” she sighs dramatically, and it tones down the gravity of the situation. We both chuckle, as she pats my knee with her free hand.
“I thought it could be just sex with him,” I admit. “I really did. I even told him so. You know, I told him that I don’t expect anything from him and that he doesn’t owe me anything.”
“OK, that was after the first time,” she notices. “Then, the second time, he came looking for you here, and I told him you were in the library. I knew something was going on. I just knew it. But I figured, you’d tell me.”
“I’m really sorry I kept it a secret from you,” I apologize again. “I just... wanted to sort it out on my own, in my own head, you know.”
“I understand,” she nods sympathetically. “We’ve all been in such situations. I know exactly how that feels like.”
I can’t possibly imagine Rachel being so head over heels for someone, but I guess there has to be someone special in everyone’s life. She’s always been so carefree and open about herself, and she told me, without a hint of embarrassment that if she is ever in a relationship again, it would have to be an open relationship. I can’t say I understand the need for that, I can understand that we’re all different and that’s why we crave different things.
“So, you’re not mad?” I ask.
“Nah,” she shrugs. “Besides, I should have put two and two together when he came looking for you, but I figured he wanted to talk to you because of what you had in the past and maybe to apologize for being such a jerk.”
“Yeah, I didn’t get an apology yet,” I sigh. “I doubt I’ll be getting one, to be honest.”
“Why?” she wonders.
“Well, I didn’t really finish the story yet.”
Her eyes widen with curiosity, and she takes another sip of her wine. “I’m listening,” she smirks.
“Again, I don’t know where to start,” I chuckle a little nervously, but I find a place to continue from. “That second time, in the car, was... incredible. I don’t know. I guess, I felt exactly like before, and it frightened me a little. I didn’t want him to think that I forgot all about how he treated me.”
“Of course,” she nods, following the story intently.
“So, again, I told him I’m not interested in rekindling anything, but... I said that out loud to convince both him and myself.”
“Did it work?”
“Honestly?” I frown. “No.”
She chuckles. “At least you’re being honest with yourself. That’s a sign of someone with a realistic outlook on life and his current situation.”
“Thanks for that, Freud,” I tease. “Now, as I was saying... I saw my parents and I don’t know... I guess, I felt like maybe, things could get better somehow. Maybe if I saw that he’s changed, I could forgive him, if he truly tried.”
“Has he been trying?”
“Wait until I get to the worst part,” I frown again.
“Oh, crap,” she grimaces, allowing me to continue.
“I was walking back here, just after I met with my parents, thinking about him, and who do I run into on campus grounds?”
“Seriously?” she gasps.
“Of course,” I nod. “You know how Murphy’s law functions.”
“Bread always lands jelly side down,” she nods importantly, and I can’t help but chuckle.
“Exactly,” I confirm. “When you least want to see someone, then you’ll definitely see them. And it would be fine if we just stumbled onto each other, but that wasn’t all. I got there just when he was kissing Madison Palmer.”
“Weren’t they dating or something?” she wonders.
“I don’t know exactly,” I shrug. “But I know that they were together on and off, or just had a friend with benefits sort of arrangement. I’m not sure about that.”
“But everyone knows she’s been haunting him for months now,” Rachel reminds me.
“Well...” I sigh. “She’s finally caught up with him. Kissing like that in broad daylight, in front of everyone, that’s gotta mean something.”
“I guess,” Rachel nods, probably not wanting to rub salt on my wound.
“You know what?” I suddenly jump up, almost spilling my drink, but it remains safely in my glass, so I down it all, just in case, then I slam the glass onto the table next to me. “This was probably the best thing that could have happened.”
“It was?” she sounds incredulous, but willing to hear me out, so I continue.
“If I didn’t see this, I would probably believe that he’s changed. I might be tempted to think that he’s once again that guy I knew before, but now I see that’s impossible. You can’t go back to being who you once were, because too many things have happened. And he’s changed, but not for the better. This guy he is now... I don’t want him around me. We don’t have anything in common, other than a brief moment we shared in the past. Seeing him kiss Madison only solidified this knowledge, and even though it hurts, I’ll be alright.”
I spit this out all in one go, mostly because I want to convince everyone that it’s really true. I want Rachel to believe it, but mostly, I want myself to believe it. Maybe if I say it out loud enough times, I will eventually see it as the truth.
“What did you feel when you saw him kiss her?” she asks.
I hesitate to tell her, but even my hesitation says more than my words ever could.
“It’s OK to admit that you were hurt,” she says gently. “You were hoping for something that did not happen. It is natural to feel hurt, betrayed, disappointed.”
“I told him I didn’t expect anything from him,” I remind both her and myself. “So, I guess in a way, he didn’t really do anything wrong.”
“That’s probably what he keeps telling himself about this time as well as the last time,” she frowns.
“I’ll be fine,” I smile. “It’s just a rough patch. I’ve lived through worse, and I’ll live through this as well.”
“Of course, you’ll be fine,” she echoes my own words. “You don’t need such a douchebag who’ll only keep proving to you what a douchebag he is.” She makes a disgusted grimace and we both chuckle.
“Thanks,” I tell her, looking at her gratefully. “For everything, for being there, for just existing.”
“That’s what best friends are for,” she tells me, walking over to me and wrapping her arms around me.
At that moment, someone knocks on the door. Rachel is usually the one answering.
“Yeah?” she shouts.
“Uhm,” we both hear from the other side of the door. “Is Elsie there?”
I swallow heavily, recognizing Callum’s voice.
I open my mouth, but I make no sound as I whisper to her. “Why is he here?”
Rachel shrugs. She probably knows even less than I do why he’d be here.
I point at myself, then I shake my head, signaling that I don’t want her to tell him I’m here. The last thing I want right now is to talk to him.
This one glass of wine has made me so tipsy that I’m not sure whether I’d slap him or kiss him. So, it’s better not to risk either of those two things, because whatever I decide, it’ll just make things worse. I need to remove myself from him for a while, to allow this strange feeling to pass, and I’ll be fine. I just need time away from him. Nothing else.
“No, she’s not,” Rachel shouts back again. “Go away.”
I almost chuckle out loud at her rudeness. I know she’d probably tell him far worse things than that, but she’s actually trying to be nice, for my sake.
“Listen, Rachel,” he says, “I just need to talk to her. It’s very important.”
“So, go and find her,” she replies. “I told you, she’s not here.”
Rachel looks at me, and nods, assuring me that I am safe here, with her, which is exactly how I feel.
“Can I come in?” he asks, and we both turn pale.
Chapter Twelve
Callum
“I just want to explain myself,” I continue, feeling stupid that I’m doing this through closed doors, but the last thing I want to do is enter somewhere where I’m not invited. And it doesn’t seem like Rachel wants me there at all. I should probably be grateful that she’s even talking to me, which I am.
Rachel is Elsie’s best friend. Elsie doesn’t want to see me, let alone talk to me. I understand that. But maybe if I explain to Rachel what happened, maybe Elsie will listen to her. That is my only hope of reaching out to her. I can’t believe that I’ve been so stupid to let this happen. I know I can’t let Elsie push me away, not before I explain everything to her.
“It’s not me you need to explain yourself to,” she tells me from the inside. I don’t like the sound of her voice. It’s pushing me away. It’s telling me I’m not welcome here, as if I don’t already know that, but I stay, even if that means making a fool of myself.
I regret agreeing to what Maddie suggested. I can see now what a stupid idea that was, to do it like that. Of course, that wasn’t any closure. How could it be? And how could I have been so stupid? I frown at myself, remembering the look on Elsie’s face.
Ever since all of this started with her, I feel like I’m at a loss, and I have no idea where I am. I’m going forward without having resolved the past, and instead of focusing on that, I’m creating an even bigger mess, by kissing another girl. I’m the biggest idiot there is.
“Please,” I say. “I’ll just take a few minutes of your time.”
“You can’t come in,” she replies quickly. Then, a pause. “I’m... naked. I mean, not dressed.”
“I can wait,” I tell her, hopeful that she might speak with me even for a single moment.
“Seriously, it’s not me you need to talk to,” she repeats herself, sounding annoyed.
“Well, I’d gladly talk to Elsie, but she isn’t here,” I remind her. I realize that I might need to take more serious, even drastic measures. “If you don’t let me in, or at least speak to me in front of the door, I’ll just wait for her here, until she returns.”
Two girls walk past me just as I’m saying this, and although I feel mortified, I’m not moving. One of them whispers something to the other one, and the two giggle, glancing at me. I don’t pay any attention. I know I look ridiculous, talking to someone through closed doors, and especially saying all these things.
But I feel if I let go of Elsie this time, I’m afraid that I’ll never find my way back to her. I lost her, because of my own stupidity, and now, I have to be wise and learn from my past mistakes. I want to explain, to tell her everything she needs to hear, and to truly mean it this time, but how can I do it, when she won’t speak to me?
I hear some commotion inside the room, then the door unlocks and opens only slightly. Rachel peers through. Her black hair is falling over half of her face, but her eyes are as shrewd as a fox’s. I don’t know much about her, but one thing is obvious. She really cares about Elsie, and that makes me glad, that she managed to find such good friends, while I... I doubt I could count one of my friends among those truly good ones, the kind you could call up in the middle of the night if you needed something and they would be there.
Such friends, such people are a rare find, and I’m only getting to that conclusion now. A part of me feels like I’ve been blinded by this superficial talk that I’ve been surrounded by all this time, but in fact, it’s all empty and transient. What truly matters is what you usually don’t recognize until it’s too late, and I’m afraid this is exactly what’s happened to me.
“OK, talk,” she orders me, her voice pulling me from the haze of my troublesome thoughts. “I can’t let you in. I got someone here. So... make it quick.”
“Sure,” I nod quickly, grateful for the chance. “I don’t know what you know about Elsie and me but– “
“Everything,” she cuts me off, sounding annoyed. “I know everything. So, if you just want to repeat what I already know, I’m gonna go ahead and stop you right there.”
“No, no,” I shake my head, both taken aback as well as appreciating her directness. Maybe if we were all direct and honest like Rachel, maybe we wouldn’t be in half of the messes we’re usually in. “I... I just want you to tell her that I didn’t kiss Madison, she kissed me.”
“You kissed another girl?” she frowns at me, sending daggers. I guess I deserve that. “Aren’t you a keeper.” Those daggers are aimed straight at my heart, and they hit the bull’s eye. Then, she takes them, and twists them while they’re still inside, making an even bigger wound.
“It was... a misunderstanding,” I feel more and more confused under her scrutinous gaze.
At this point, I’m wondering whether it’s a better idea to tell Rachel all this, because if I came to Elsie with this poor excuse, I’d slap myself in the face if I were her.
I know that I don’t have her, but these last two times I saw her made me believe that perhaps, we could start rebuilding what we had. I was stupid and blind, and I couldn’t see what was right in front of my nose. I couldn’t realize that I could achieve all my dreams with her by my side. I could have had it all, and now I feel like I don’t have nearly enough, although there are many people who would kill to be in my shoes right now. I know that. I understand that, and I’m trying to appreciate what I have, but now that I’ve seen what I’ve been missing, it’s getting more and more difficult to appreciate something that isn’t complete, not in the way you want it to be.
I believed I could get her back, only I went about it exactly the wrong way. I can see that now. But how many times can you make a mistake and still expect to be given another chance?
“A misunderstanding?” she repeats my own words, bringing me back from my thoughts and into the present moment.
“Madison asked if we could have... closure, I guess, and just end this stupid game she’s been playing. She wanted a kiss, just... a simple kiss. I stupidly agreed.”
“Very, very stupidly,” she nods.
“I know,” I sigh, raking my fingers through my hair nervously. “But I guess what I wanted to tell you was that for me, it wasn’t just sex. Something clicked. I don’t know if it was like that for her as well, but I was building up the courage to speak to her about what happened before, because I know I was an asshole, and I really regret how I acted.”
I expect her to agree with me referring to myself as an asshole. I expect her to even add salt on the wound here, but surprisingly, she doesn’t say anything. She just lets me continue. Strangely, it makes me hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I’m making some progress, no matter how small and insignificant it might seem at first.
“That’s what I want to tell her,” I add, feeling devoid of the right words to convey my message with. “And, if she still doesn’t want anything to do with me, I’ll understand. I’ll leave her alone and won’t seek her out anymore. But... I don’t want her to think the worst of me.”
“You think you don’t deserve that?” She lifts her eyebrow at me. This is a trick question. I can recognize those.
“I do,” I admit. “I deserve whatever opinion she’s formed of me.”
With people like Rachel, you have to be honest. She sees right through any games you might be playing. She figures stuff out immediately. Not that I’m playing any games now. I never considered myself a player, and yet, that’s exactly what I’ve become. People started to celebrate me for all the wrong reasons, and that’s not who I am. I can’t believe I’ve been blind for so long.
“But hopefully, I’m not the worst guy out there,” I add, realizing that my time is up. She’s given me the few minutes which she promised, and I’m losing her interest. Never mind. I said what I had to say. If Elsie wants to hear me out, I’ll be happy to explain. If not, well... I can’t force someone to do anything they don’t want to do.
Losing her the first time was my own fault, just like it is now, but that first time, I was too stupid to realize what I was doing. Now, I’m not. Now, I know exactly what I’m doing, exactly what I’m losing, and it makes this situation ten times more difficult than before. But I know that I’ve hurt her, and whatever she chooses to decide is completely up to her.
“You’re somewhere in the middle,” Rachel tells me. Then adds dismissively. “OK, is that all? There’s something I need to get back to, so...”
“Yeah, that’s all,” I nod. “Will you tell her that?”
