Voice in the dark, p.4
Voice in the Dark, page 4
Ophelia was shocked and started bleeding. She endured about a fortnight’s worth of injections to hold the baby. She spent time in bed and, for the remainder of her pregnancy, was extremely cautious. She also did not want to see the couple again, but still mourned the loss of a friendship. Time passed until one day the phone rang to reveal an apologetic ex-friend. Lou said she had been wrong to accuse Ophelia and her pregnancy triggered memories and experiences.
Her husband was a teacher and, when she had gone into labour, she could not find him. Later she discovered he was having an affair with a blonde high school student and Ophelia reminded her of the girl. Although Ophelia had compassion and accepted the apology, she was uncomfortable with any further contact.
Her pregnancy continued without issue and she prepared to welcome her baby (in her mind a boy) into this world. She had spent hours listening to classical music as she believed the baby was also listening and it would have a positive effect.
The due date approached and although everyone said she had to have a caesarean section, she insisted on natural birth. However, she should have listened to the professionals as her baby was in distress, but she did not go into labour. Early on the morning of his birth, she was induced and suffered contractions until late afternoon. Only then was she rushed into theatre for an emergency C-section.
Her baby boy entered the world and she wasn’t there to welcome him. This was a particularly distressing experience as hours passed before she awoke from the anaesthetic. By then the fuss over the newborn had dissipated and she was presented with a tiny stranger.
Although Ophelia had seen him in a vision, holding him in her arms was magical and she experienced a deep connection when she looked into his bright blue eyes. It was as if they recognised each other. He was a beautiful, healthy baby with a perfect body. She looked at her little angel in utter amazement and was overcome by love, rendering the pain unimportant. This little baby was a blessing to her and to the world. He would forever occupy a special place in her heart.
Post-birth Ophelia was in terrible pain and moving and taking care of him was difficult, but worth it. She decided to never again enter the hospital with as large a smile as she had on the day she became a mother. What an eye opener.
INTOLERABLE IN-LAWS
When her son was about three months old, her in-laws called while Hein was at work to ask why she made their son unhappy. This was a shocking surprise as she was unaware he was unhappy.
When she asked him about it, he did not believe they had called and dismissed her questions. She was furious and, when they called again a few days later, she told them she was fed-up with them and with their abuse. Her mother in-law implored Ophelia not to do anything stupid and an agitated and perplexed, Ophelia asked: ‘What do you mean…do what?”
“Don’t commit suicide,” was her mother-in-law’s response.
“Why would I do that?” Ophelia yelled before informing her they could have their son back as she was fed-up with them and did not want a life of strife.
She could not understand why they would say such things. Could they be trying to plant the seeds of suicide? Suicide had never entered her mind; she loved life and was not afraid to engage it.
Her mother-in-law said: “Please don’t keep our grandson away from us”.
“If I am not welcome, my son is not welcome either as he is part of me. Where I go, he goes,” Ophelia replied.
Hein’s mother called him at work. Ophelia was not privy to their conversation, but he was furious. When he confronted her, she relayed her side of the story stressing she had had enough of their abuse and lies and he could leave if he was so unhappy. He said he wasn’t unhappy and continued as if nothing had happened.
A while later, on his day off, they called again and she gave him the mobile phone to ensure he heard the conversation; something he did reluctantly. Somebody was lying and it definitively was not her. Hein told them he was listening in and had heard every lie, but even after knowing the truth, he did not defend her. She realised she would never have his support as he lacked the courage and backbone.
Her in-laws described her as a terrible person to anyone who listened. No matter how they were welcomed, Ophelia could never please them. Even when friendly and caring, they would complain she was too friendly and too caring. Fortunately, they lived a few hours away and did not visit often. Ophelia had time to get over the incident and, true to her nature, did not dwell on the past. She believed one can change one’s attitude and hoped they would have a change of heart.
Her days were spent caring for her son. He was an angel and brought happiness and light into her world with his constant laughter and joy. She could experience life through his eyes and felt being a mother was part of her purpose in life. The days she spent in a steam-filled bathroom, comforting and calming when he had croup, only bonded them. No amount of stress, strain or sleep deprivation would stand in her way of protecting and nurturing him.
The doctors advised her to only breastfeed for a short time and try for another baby as it would increase her chances of success. They claimed the longer she waited, the more difficult it would be. After three months of breastfeeding Neal, they repeatedly tried for another baby.
YOU ARE CRAZY
Two years passed, but Ophelia did not lose faith as she had once been woken by a voice saying she would have another baby. Thereafter, she had a vision of two babies; her two babies to be born. She had seen their faces and knew they would eventually come. Nobody believed her when she said she was pregnant. Instead she was told she was crazy and sent to the specialists to be prodded and poked. They scheduled a laparoscopy and on the given day, she was summarily checked in. In anguish, she lay in the bed. When the specialist did his rounds, she told him she did not need the operation as she was already pregnant.
“Nobody believes me, but I know I’m pregnant.”
“Don’t worry. We have done a blood test and will not operate if you are pregnant.”
Could she be wrong?
While the doctor was searching for her vein in theatre, she begged: “Please listen to me, I am definitely pregnant”.
After the operation, Ophelia was sent home. She still felt pregnant, but Hein said it must have been fake. Still she asked him to test a urine sample and he exclaimed: “You definitely are not pregnant and if you were, it is impossible to be pregnant as usually after a laparoscopy, a dilation and curettage1 is performed that would have taken permanent care of any foetus. Get it through your head – you are not pregnant!”
After an awkward silence, she solemnly asked: “Please, for the sake of my sanity alone, do a pregnancy test. Why not? No harm will be done if you do”.
He was on-call that evening and on his way to the surgery.
“If you do not want to do it,” she said, “I shall go to another doctor tomorrow morning.”
He agreed and she gave him a sample. She waited and waited and waited. Eventually the phone rang. His first words were “the damn test is positive”, then “but I don’t believe it and am going to take it to be tested by one of my partners”.
Nearly an hour later his partner called.
“Congratulations, you are pregnant.”
What a relief. Now she could prepare for the arrival of her miracle baby; a miracle baby who had survived a D&C.
BUILDING A HOUSE
They sold their house and built a new one on a small holding with sufficient space for their children to grow up. A place they would always call home; that was her dream. They had moved into a rental property while their new home was being constructed and it was there, while pregnant and in front of their son, Hein hit her. She looked at Neal’s shocked face and cried: “If you ever again lay a hand on me, I shall take my children and leave you for good!”
He knew she meant it. He never hit her again, but abused her in sneakier ways. At times he “accidentally” hurt her. Once, to prove he was a loving husband, he hugged her in front of friends – while also pressing a three-point plug into her back. She exclaimed in pain, but he played innocent, saying: “Can a husband not even give his wife a hug anymore?”
He played the innocent in front of others and the more he did it, the more he became innocent in his eyes. He was in total denial of his imperfections and she was alone and worried. Apart from the grief she received from her in-laws, her mother added to her stress by rejecting her grandson as she had rejected her daughter. Maybe a psychological issue connected to Ophelia’s birth meant she did not want to touch or hold her grandson. She complained he was too heavy, but would hold Helga’s children who were the same size and weight. It was obvious she favoured her other grandchildren. Whenever there was an altercation, she would blame Ophelia’s son even when he was strapped to his stroller and her other grandchildren were running around freely.
* * *
1 A dilation and curettage (D&C) refers to the dilation of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents by scraping and scooping.
- CHAPTER 9 -
Tiny Miracle
The pregnancy progressed without further issue and the due date fast approached. This time she listened to the professionals and elected an epidural as she did not want to miss out on another birth. Like with her first pregnancy, in the last month she began a puzzle she had carefully chosen. As everything was scheduled, she could finish the puzzle in time before checking into hospital – this time without the broad smile as she knew what lay ahead.
Being awake and part of the birth process was a wonderful experience. There was no pain, but she felt the doctor slice out her abdomen and felt some pulling and pushing. She could also hear everything, but the best was hearing her baby cry after entering the world.
It was a glorious day. She was a perfect, beautiful tiny baby. Ophelia could barely wait to hold her and look into her soul. The nurses laid her in her arms and she looked in wonder at the tiny finger on its way to her mouth and the face reminding her of a pink rosebud. Ophelia had not previously decided on a name, but decided then to call her Rose.
The epidural wore off and life painfully returned to her abdomen. She had to deal with the pain caused by her operation and that triggered by breastfeeding. Yet, she was undeterred, knowing she would repeat the experience if necessary.
Fortunately, motherhood suited her as she discovered taking care of her children would be her responsibility. Hein never got up during the night to sooth or change a nappy; not even when she was unwell. Her children’s father was unavailable and would rather fake a call-out to helping around the house.
There were a few things he did well, the most important of which was to doctor, medicate and provide financially. Ophelia accepted the situation and, without complaint, cared for her children as she believed youngsters should grow up in a peaceful, happy atmosphere. Maybe she should have insisted he help out, but that would have meant constantly living in a conflict-laden atmosphere. It was not what she wanted for herself or her children.
NO MORE, END OF STORY
When she said she wanted another baby, Ophelia was told two was enough. End of story…or so he thought. She figured she never insisted on how many patients he saw or how many hours he could be away seeing them, so why did he have the right to tell her how much work she could take on or not. She wanted another baby. He had known since the beginning she wanted four children and she had already seen a vision of baby number three’s face.
“Why should it be only the husband’s decision, especially when the mother and wife was responsible for managing the children and home?” she reasoned.
After contemplation she knew she could never complain or expect him to help, so she took the responsibility and put in place her plan. Ophelia’s desire for this baby was so strong she defied male authority. She decided nothing would stand in her way.
Every morning she took her temperature as a spike reflected a good chance of falling pregnant. The first time her temperature rose, she planned a romantic evening to follow through with her plan. Not long afterwards she felt the now familiar signs of change in her body and Ophelia silently revelled in her secret. She was pregnant, but waited a week or so to make an appointment for the requisite tests. There was a strange atmosphere in the surgery; as if the personnel did not know what to say and wanted to avoid eye contact. After a few minutes the doctor entered the room to congratulate her. When Hein came into the room, his face pale, he angrily said: “What have you done?”
Ophelia was in the clouds. This would be her last baby and she intended to enjoy every moment. She would not allow any negativity spoil her happiness. She knew Hein would eventually come around and accept they were having a baby.
The December holidays arrived and, beyond the pregnancy, she had to suffer the heat. She was relieved when she checked into hospital early on the morning of the scheduled C-section. She had no worries as her older two children were being cared for at home. She did not plan on staying away long as she wanted them to be involved as soon as possible with the family’s new addition. She was prepped and felt no fear while being rolled into the theatre. Ophelia could hardly wait to hold her new baby.
The atmosphere in theatre was light-hearted with one complaining she was on the table wearing make-up and smiles. He said it wasn’t fair as usually patients were asleep. She laughed and said it was a huge risk she was prepared to take and others could do so too.
Being conscious during the delivery is something for which she will forever be grateful. She saw her babies enter the world and the first sight of their faces is imprinted on her mind. Ophelia was rolled on to her side and the anaesthetist inserted the tube in her back. She waited for the drugs to take full effect before they could proceed with the C-section.
Then the unthinkable happened. She cannot remember the exact details, but the next moment, she felt herself falling and could only scream. The doctors grabbed her mid-air for which she was grateful. Again, during the procedure, she felt everything bar the pain and her only complaint was they blocked her view with a screen. While blinded from the action, she lay there smiling in expectation.
The sound of a newborn baby filled the theatre and the doctor announced she had another daughter as he lifted her for Ophelia to see. She was a beautiful, healthy looking baby with a strong voice and her mother impatiently waited to hold her; look into her eyes and connect with her soul.
Ophelia’s eyes followed the nurse who had taken her baby for its newborn tests. While the doctors were stitching her up, the nurse returned to place her baby into her waiting arms. As Ophelia peered into her deep blue eyes, she looked into the heart of heaven where she saw ancient wisdom brought to earth through her precious infant. “What a magical experience”, she thought while familiarising herself with every little detail on her baby’s face. She needed a strong, feminine name as she knew her baby will grow up as a force with which to be reckoned.
Although still in pain, Ophelia could not wait to go home. She was happy with her new baby and wanted to share her with her brother and sister. Every morning before the doctor’s rounds, she washed, applied make-up and sat in the chair waiting. She wanted him to see she was well enough to go home and was all smiles and no complaints.
Four days after giving birth, she was going home. Although still in pain, it was a relief to be home with her children and privacy. On reflection, this was not a clever move as, within a week, she woke up with Bell’s palsy. When the doorbell rang that morning she discovered she could not talk properly and drinking tea was difficult. After her visitor left, she looked in the mirror and saw the right side of her mouth and right eye were paralysed. Her visitor had not mentioned anything. Ophelia called the doctor and was immediately given medication.
In the last month of her pregnancy, she had been anxious to deliver her baby; be free of the extra weight she carried and to wear her favourite clothes again. Mostly she wanted to be comfortable and feel beautiful. That morning, viewing herself in the mirror, she realised she placed too much value on beauty. The lesson learnt was to adjust her thinking and, having received the message, she knew intuitively her face would heal. Apart from the pregnancy draining her body of nutrients and the unbearable heat, she was disheartened when it dawned on her she was on her own.
- CHAPTER 10 -
Breaking the Vows of Love
Her marriage was not a marriage. They had entered a lawful agreement, but it was an agreement in words and a few stamps only. Hein’s promises of love, care, protection, faithfulness, dedication and companionship had fallen by the wayside – or may not have been valued from the start.
During their first year, and after the input from the church, she had approached the marriage from a Biblical viewpoint and did everything feasible to improve the situation within their marriage and home.
The question “What would Jesus do?; Biblical verses like “turn the other cheek” and “be slow to anger” or teachings that women should be subservient and men were the head of the house guided her to her detriment. Years later she learnt it is only from a point of power one can turn the other cheek. It is definitely not something a victim should do.
The Church teaches suffering is noble; the Christian way and we are tested; our love is tested and we should persevere even when our enemies throw stones to kill us. Love always wins became her mantra and like a terrier, she clung to her fantasy in the hope change would come.
