I touched the pen in the groove between the pages and imagined him there studying, his gorgeous face lit up by the lamp and that concentrated expression he always had when reading.

  The next moment, I sensed a silent presence behind me.

  I turned around. I knew he had the perennial habit of moving about like a predator in the darkness.

  ‘Perhaps, you want to explain.’

  He was standing in the doorway, magnificent and terrifying. His eyes bored through the darkness in that way that had made me tremble so often. He was holding the evening newspaper. It was rolled up in his hands, but I knew what was written there.

  Everyone was talking about the case of the Sunnycreek children.

  He came closer and slapped the newspaper down on the table, his stormy gaze still pinned on me. His familiar scent awakened my heart. His eyes were pushing me away and crushing me like black holes, but I felt my body reacting to his closeness, as if it belonged to him more than ever before.

  ‘Why? Why didn’t you tell me?’

  He was angry.

  Very angry.

  He wanted to have been there. He didn’t like what I had done, and the idea of not having been with me for the trial went against his heart’s most primordial instincts.

  I just wanted to dive into his arms, to feel held, to feel safe, but I knew I couldn’t avoid this discussion. Rigel deserved an explanation.

  ‘If I had told you, you would have come,’ I whispered. ‘And I tried to stop that happening.’

  ‘You tried to…stop that happening?’ His eyes narrowed into two thundering slits. ‘And for what reason, Nica?’

  There was a flash of realisation in his eyes, destructive, hostile, as if I was his enemy.

  ‘What is it, did you think I was too weak to come?’ He took a step towards me, oozing anger and pain. ‘Is it because of what you saw the other day? The attack?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then what?’

  ‘I didn’t want her to see you,’ I whispered with disarming honesty.

  Rigel didn’t move, but something crystallised in his eyes.

  ‘I couldn’t stand the thought of her eyes on you again,’ I confessed. ‘That seeing you would awaken something in her. I wouldn’t have been able to bear it. I hate how obsessed she was with you, that sick affection she forced on you. I can’t breathe when I think about it. I wanted her far away. I wanted to protect you from her, even if it meant facing it alone!’

  My fists shook and my throat burned. I felt tears threatening to burst forth again. I couldn’t help but cry; I had reached my limit.

  ‘I’d do it again,’ I hissed through gritted teeth, thinking about that smirk, the way she had destroyed me. ‘I’d do it a hundred times to keep her away from you. I don’t care if you think it was stupid. I don’t care if you’re angry with me. I don’t care, Rigel, I would do anything, everything, to stop her seeing you again!’

  I clenched my eyes shut, and a desperate force exploded from me like a star.

  ‘So be angry. Shout at me!’ I incited him, reeling from the stressful day. ‘Tell me I was wrong not letting you come, tell me I made a mistake! Say whatever you want, but don’t ask me to apologise, don’t, because the only thing that brings me any comfort in all this mess is knowing that for once, just for once, I was able to do something to prot—’

  His hands grabbed me and he pulled me towards him.

  I collided with his chest with a gasping sob. His warmth enveloped me like a glove and the world trembled in his arms, silenced by an invisible, sweet and incredibly powerful force.

  I trembled, sobbed my heart out, my strength falling away from me.

  ‘Fool,’ he whispered gently in my ear.

  I closed my eyes. God, that was all I wanted to hear. I wanted Rigel to erase Margaret forever, just with the sound of his deep voice.

  His hand rose up my neck, trying to cradle me, and I clung on to that gesture with a feeling of desperation. I let him touch my heart, in his own way. He knew how to put me together, just by holding me like that, and I loved him all the more for it.

  ‘You don’t need to protect me,’ he murmured, so softly it pulled at my heartstrings. ‘You don’t need to defend me against anything. That’s…my job.’

  I buried my face in his clean, fragrant sweater. I shook my head, moaning against his chest.

  ‘I’ll always protect you,’ I confessed, as small as a child, because I didn’t know how else to be. ‘Even if you don’t think you need it…’

  Rigel held me tighter and I let him engulf me, utterly, inch by inch, until I became one with his warmth. He knew I was like that, that we were like that, stubborn and impossible until the very end.

  We would carry on sacrificing ourselves for each other.

  We would carry on protecting each other, in our own way, choosing silence over words, gestures over anything else.

  We would carry on loving each other like this, in that excessive, imperfect way, full of mistakes but as sincere as the sun.

  I looked at him with languishing, destroyed eyes, and he tilted his head, looking back at me, calmly and deeply.

  My heart pulsed, thrilled once again by his face, by everything he meant for me, and Rigel lowered his lips to kiss me.

  His soft mouth gave me a warm, tingling feeling in my stomach. I lifted my arms to his shoulders and pulled him to me with a burning desire.

  I interwove my tongue with his, and Rigel gripped my hips, trying to hold me back, slow me down. He was trying to contain the feral passion that was threatening to consume me, but I pushed my fingers into his shoulders and pressed myself against him.

  ‘I need you,’ I begged. ‘I need this. Please…’

  Rigel was breathing heavily, his chest heaving, his hair falling into his eyes. I held his face and sunk my soft, needy lips against his.

  His muscles tensed. His breath rose to his throat.

  I felt his composure crumbling. I kissed him more insistently, and the pressure of my slender body finally made him give in.

  He seized my neck and his mouth landed on mine, devouring me with fiery kisses. His tongue invaded my mouth and his confidence stunned me, sending an intense shiver down my spine. I slid my hands through his hair and kissed him with a bewildering passion, drawing a husky moan from his chest.

  His breathing became eager, impetuous. Rigel pushed me back until I banged into the edge of the table, which he cleared with an abrupt sweep of his arm. The glass and plate shattered and leaves tumbled to the parquet flooring as he grabbed my body and laid me down.

  With trembling fingers, I tried to take his sweater off. Rigel sent it to the floor along with his shirt, burning like a raging fire. His dark hair fell like a soft halo on his strong shoulders. I had no time to admire him before he unzipped the fly of my pants, abruptly lifted my pelvis and slid them down my legs. My breathing became laboured. My cheeks were burning and I found myself lifting my arms up as his tough hands almost tore my hoodie off me.

  There was no calm. No patience. We were throwing ourselves at each other like animals.

  My skin went numb; it felt frozen and boiling at the same time. My bare shoulder blades collided with the table and Rigel closed his hand around the curve of my neck, squeezing until my nerves burned. I writhed under his touch and my heart beat like crazy as he plunged his fingers into my thigh, and then sunk his teeth into the inside of it, where my flesh was softer and more sensitive. I clenched my eyes shut and a charge ran through me, making me grip the sides of the table.

  My body began to quiver, and I let Rigel take me completely, take everything, fill me up with him.

  I didn’t care if he left marks.

  I wouldn’t stop him.

  I needed this. His red-hot touch, his bites, his dark love.

  I needed to lose myself in his soul, because it was the only place I would never be scared.

  My hands shook, my muscles tensed. Rigel tore away my panties with conviction, the waistband dug into my skin, taking my breath away. Then, with no tenderness, he grabbed my ankles and pulled me along the table towards him until I was against his crotch. His body was burning with tension, with cravings, with the need to taste me, tear me to pieces, make me his.

  And I wanted him for what he was. I didn’t want him to be anything other than himself.

  A beautiful demon. The only angel that dwelled in the darkness of my soul.

  I was hardly breathing as his possessive touch burned my skin. His fingers worked their way up my thighs, and then he squeezed, feeling my velvety flesh moulding under his fingertips. His hands were full of me, it hurt, and a slight gasp escaped from my lips.

  That sound made him grip harder. I narrowed my eyes and arched my ankles. Rigel bent over to press his burning lips to the intimate part between my thighs. When he bit me, my eyes flew open and I gasped.

  I instinctively flinched, but he gripped my hips, holding me in a tight, vice-like grip. He started to torture me with his mouth, kissing, licking and sucking impetuously, a merciless storm that made me clench my eyes shut. I moaned. I couldn’t feel my legs, my lower stomach was pulsating hard.

  His thirsty tongue kept caressing me, unrelenting, and his teeth stimulated nerves that sent shocks over my skin.

  My breathing became erratic, I trembled, my cheeks burned. I gripped his hair in my fingers, but Rigel didn’t stop, he twisted his tongue around the sensitive area and then sunk his teeth in more forcefully than before. I bit my lip and his fingers clawed at my skin, holding me still while those hot strokes teased me with a sweet cruelty, smashing my muscles to pieces.

  When he straightened up, I was unable to speak, exhausted and trembling. My brain was buzzing. Rigel licked his red, swollen, violent lips, then, giving in to the impulse which was devouring him, he lowered his pants.

  He seized my pelvis and lifted it, taking my breath away again. He had never been delicate, and I wouldn’t expect him to make an exception for me. Rigel always tried to control himself, to contain himself, as if he was constantly scared of breaking me. He was ravenous, wild and impetuous. I wanted him to continue sculpting my soul, casting the world far, far away with all his usual roughness.

  I felt his hardness pushing between my legs. My heart missed a beat. My blood was trembling, my body boiling and my heart shuddering to breaking point. I was glad I was on the pill, as there was no time for any other protection.

  I wanted to tilt my head, to look in his eyes, but the sensation as he pushed decisively inside me was so unexpected and intense that my toes curled and my spine arched.

  My thighs were trembling, as if I would never be able to get used to him. I dug my fingernails into the wood of the table and Rigel breathed in that low, virile way, enjoying the hot, yielding feeling enveloping him. I bit my lip, small and trembling, but instead of continuing, he put a hand to my cheek and pinned my eyes in his gaze.

  Time stopped.

  My chest exploded with an uncontainable emotion, and I clung to those eyes I loved so wildly, pouring all my feelings into them.

  That was where our souls met.

  That was where they gave each other everything.

  His eyes tied to mine, Rigel started to move inside me. He pushed deep inside me, powerfully pinning me to the edge of the table, gripping my body, making my bones ache.

  His breath filled the air.

  The world went away.

  It became his eyes.

  It became his skin, his scent, his vigour and his strength.

  It became him.

  And the darkness turned into velvet.

  Stars bloomed among the shadows.

  Rigel leant over me and I met his demanding thrusting with numb legs and trembling ankles. His grip on my pelvis hurt, but I plunged my fingernails into his back and kissed him back with all the sweetness trembling through my body.

  Because we were a galaxy of stars, me and him.

  A magnificent chaos.

  A delirious shining.

  But it was only together that we could glow.

  And we would always be like that.

  Difficult to understand.

  Imperfect and unusual.

  But immortal…

  Just like amaranth flowers.

  38. Beyond all Measure

  Let’s wear the stars.

  And walk among dreams.

  We’ll be celestial bodies.

  You will wear my love like an eternity.

  And any moon, seeing you so resplendent,

  will want the love of a sun

  to make it shine the same way.

  A ring.

  Carl had given Adeline a ring.

  The news of their engagement had shocked and delighted everyone. Anna had brought her hands to her heart, emotional, and I had thrown myself at her in such an enthusiastic hug that we both fell onto the couch.

  I felt a joy I couldn’t explain in words, that filled my heart with music and light. I loved her deeply. She deserved happiness.

  Anna decided to organise a little party at our house to celebrate and invited all our friends. After all, Adeline was part of the family now.

  ‘You’ll be on time, won’t you?’ I typed on my phone as my footsteps pounded along the sidewalk.

  I was walking briskly along the street, my hair fluttering behind me in the breeze.

  ‘Yes,’ was Rigel’s only reply, concise as ever. He never wasted words, not even in messages.

  I knew how busy he was with his studies and all the rest, but I hoped he’d be on time, especially that evening.

  ‘See you at eight, then,’ I wrote, happy and light.

  That day I had another reason to be in a good mood: after weeks of studying, I had passed the Infectious Diseases exam with full marks. It wasn’t an easy subject, and I had immediately called Rigel to let him know how happy I was, because he knew how enthusiastic I was about my studies. He was always the first person I called after an exam, and the only one who would give me a compliment that made me smile gleefully like a little girl.

  ‘Have fun with the others,’ he replied, unusually attentive.

  I was going for a beer with some classmates before dinner. According to them, we should celebrate such an important exam, and I thought it was a really nice idea. I had gone home to get changed, dressing for the evening so I wouldn’t have to excuse myself later when guests were over.

  ‘Thanks,’ I messaged, smiling at the screen, then I put my phone away and hurried to the bar.

  It was well-lit, sophisticated and inviting. Through the window, I glimpsed leather couches and rows of lights hanging from the ceiling like the branches of a weeping willow. It had a friendly, relaxed atmosphere.

  Will was already there. He was waiting outside the bar, but he didn’t notice me until I was right behind him.

  ‘Hi! Have you been waiting long?’

  ‘Hey. No, I just got here…’ he said softly, turning to face me.

  He looked down at me, and I checked my reflection in the bar window to make sure nothing was out of place.

  I was wearing high heels, some tight-fitting pants and a short blazer that came down to my waist. Underneath, I had chosen a pearly grey top that matched my eyes. It was a sophisticated, feminine corset top with long, puffy organza sleeves. My hair was loose and around my neck was the beautiful tear-drop necklace that Rigel had given me for my birthday.

  I had also put on some light make-up for the evening. My eyes were shining, and soft lipstick accentuated the softness of my lips, making them look fuller and bringing out the rosy complexion of my cheeks.

  After having overcome challenges and gaining confidence, several years ago, Anna and I had shared one of those mother–daughter moments I had always dreamt of. We went shopping for beauty products together, and she had taught me how to do my make-up. Slowly, calmly, carefully and patiently. It had been a very intimate and important moment for me, one that I would remember forever.

  Norman, on the other hand, had taught me to drive, and thanks to him I had got my licence. He had come to the test with me, and despite how nervous I was, he calmed me down with his usual awkwardness. After I passed, I came out of the building waving my licence, and he had given me a soft, proud and awkward hug, laughing behind his thick glasses.

  I guarded these moments in my memory, like a treasure chest of precious wonders.

  I noticed Will looking at my legs. Billie had told me that those pants showed off my curves more than my other clothes, but I had chosen them because they were extremely comfortable and I felt good in them, not because I wanted to attract attention.

  ‘So,’ I said, biting my lip and looking around. ‘Are the others coming or…’

  ‘They’re coming.’ Will looked me in the eyes. ‘You know they’re always late. Even to class.’ He smiled and his green eyes shone.

  He was attractive. His athletic physique and smile won the hearts of many women. It was one of those sunny, contagious smiles that I often found myself light-heartedly reciprocating. Each time I did, however, he became pensive, as if he saw in my spontaneous, genuine smile something that wasn’t there in the adoring looks of others.

  ‘You did well today, in the exam,’ Will murmured warmly.

  He had come closer. He let his eyes wander over my face, and I smiled with relief.

  ‘Thanks. You too. I was a bit nervous at the start…I’m happy it went well.’

  ‘We could study together next time,’ he suggested, without taking his eyes off me. He gazed at me, enchanted. ‘We could meet up after class…You know, I don’t live too far away from campus. You could come over to mine…’

  ‘Guys! Hey!’

  Two of our classmates joined us, interrupting the conversation. Will bit his lip. I looked up at them and smiled in greeting. I really hoped that he was inviting me over just as a friend, but I feared this was not the case. I drove away those thoughts and concentrated on the two girls who had just arrived. We didn’t often go out together, but I liked them. We spoke about our shared passion and keen interest in our studies. Another couple were supposed to come too, but couldn’t make it in the end because of a time clash.

 

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