Far beyond repair, p.20
Far Beyond Repair, page 20
“This is different,” I said.
“How?” he asked. “You don’t love her anymore?”
“I do, but sometimes that’s not enough,” I shared.
“Ryker?” Avery called.
I returned my attention to her. “Yeah?”
“You’re making a huge mistake,” she remarked. “I think you should let go of the anger you feel and find a way to reach out to her again. You guys need to work it out.”
“She’s in Sacramento right now, Avery,” I clipped. “Scarlet woke up this morning and got on a plane. Not once did she reach out to me this whole week. I’m sorry, but I can’t reach out to her. She’s just going about her life as it was before I entered it again after fourteen years. Whether I’m there or not, it’s all the same to her.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” she disputed. “I’m positive she’s upset about all this.”
I wasn’t going to dispute that. I knew she was, the evidence of that ringing in my ears seconds after I closed her door and walked away. Unfortunately, I needed more than just her anger that I walked out the door. I needed Scarlet to prove that she was willing to do whatever was necessary to have us be together.
“I do not deny that she’s upset about it,” I replied. “But being upset doesn’t matter to Scarlet. She’s clearly fine to move on about her days as though I never existed.”
Avery looked away.
“You’re wrong, Ryker,” Kieran cut in. “But it’s clear there’s nothing we can say to change your mind. You believe she doesn’t care and doesn’t want to be with you; there’s nothing left for us to say.”
“Kieran,” Avery hissed.
He shook his head at her. “It’s the truth, Avery. We can all see it. You and I and everyone else here believe he can fight to get her back and get both of them to where he wants them to be,” he told her. “If he doesn’t want to, nothing we say will change that.”
“I’m still standing here,” I noted.
Their eyes came to mine. “I know. Am I saying anything untrue?” Kieran questioned me.
I swallowed hard, not enjoying them challenging me. This was why I didn’t want to talk about it. Because I knew one of them would try to get me to see this from another perspective.
My voice was low when I answered, “If she doesn’t make a move, I can’t try anymore. I can’t be the only one who cares.”
“That’s your choice then,” he replied.
When the silence stretched in the office, I had to get out of there. “I’m going to go,” I announced. “I’ll see you on Monday.”
Kieran dipped his chin.
“Have a good weekend, Ryker,” Avery called to my departing back.
I could hear the sincerity in her tone. As much as I appreciated her concern, I couldn’t respond. Because I knew my weekend was going to be nothing but total shit.
After I got home, I grabbed my mail out of the mailbox and walked inside. Throwing my keys and the mail down on the countertop, I opened the refrigerator. Not wanting to make anything crazy, I settled on breakfast for dinner.
But before I ate, I wanted to shower.
No sooner did I step into the shower when Scarlet consumed my thoughts. It had been a week without her, and I hated every single minute of it. I used to think the fourteen years away from her was a long time. It was. It had been horrible. But for some odd reason, it was nothing compared to the last seven days. Last Friday felt like it had been a lifetime ago.
And over the last week, I spent every day battling with myself. Everything in me was calling me to go to her, talk to her, and work it out. Despite that, there was one thing telling me not to go because nothing would change if I did. I’d be in love with a girl, giving everything I could to her, and it wouldn’t matter either way to her if I was there or not.
“Damn it, Scarlet,” I hissed, settling my forearm against the wall of the shower and resting my forehead against it.
I missed her.
I missed everything about her.
And I desperately wanted her back.
I wanted to be able to leave work again, knowing she’d be there waiting for me.
Knowing that wasn’t going to happen, I allowed the hot water to pound down on my back for just a bit longer while I pulled myself together. Then I got out and got myself dressed.
I made my way back downstairs, pulled out some bread and eggs. I couldn’t be bothered to make anything fancy and only needed enough to survive at this point. That was it.
A few minutes later, I sat down to eat. It went down quickly, mostly because I just wanted to climb the stairs and get in bed. After setting my plate in the sink, I turned back toward the counter and thumbed through the mail. It was mostly junk mail. But then I got to the bottom of the pile, and I felt my knees get weak. There was an envelope that had no stamp and no address—just my name in her handwriting.
My heart started pounding in my chest. She wrote a letter. Scarlet wrote a letter and put it in my mailbox sometime between the time I got home last night and the time I got home today. Considering she had a flight sometime this morning, I assumed Scarlet put the letter there late last night or early this morning.
Getting over the shock that I held a letter from her in my hand, I flipped it over and slid my finger under the flap. I pulled out the folded piece of paper and set the envelope back on the countertop.
Unfolding the letter, I leaned against the counter.
Ryker,
I’ve been trying to figure out how to do this, and writing a letter seemed like my best option. I’m better with written words. Despite that, I still don’t even know where to begin.
So, I guess I’ll start at the beginning.
I had a feeling you were going to be the man who stole my heart from the day you sat down next to me in the movie theater with a cupcake and wished me a happy birthday.
From that day forward, you’ve given me nothing but love. Not once did you ever make me feel bad about being who I am. And for three years, I loved my life. I loved everything I had with you. But I depended on you.
When you left me, something changed inside me. I don’t know how else to explain it other than to say it felt like all of my hopes and dreams died when you walked out that door. Even though I’ve gone on to make something of myself, it’s like I told Elise on the morning you came to my signing: I’d give all of it up if it meant I could have you back in my life.
And that’s how I still feel, Ryker, even after you walked out on me a second time. I’d give everything up if that were the only way I could have you in my life.
Here’s what you need to understand, though. For fourteen years, I learned to live on my own and depend on myself. Except for Elise, I had nobody else. As much as I love you and love being with you, I’ve been on my own for fourteen years.
I never intended to keep anything from you. I genuinely didn’t think about it in the moments that we were alone together. I was busy gobbling up everything we were rebuilding, everything we were working to fix.
I was busy getting lost in you, finding my way to depend on you again. And maybe you think that telling you about the signing would have been one way to prove that. Maybe you’re right. But in my mind, I was too focused on how good it felt to hear you walk through my front door and say, “I’m home.”
Home, Ryker.
You were coming to my house, and it was home to you. I dug deep when I heard that, and I knew it had nothing to do with where you were so much as it had to do with who you were with. You were home because you came back to me.
That’s how I feel about you. You’re home, Ryker.
Nothing else matters. That’s the way it always was for me with you. I could have become a doctor, something I never wanted, because it didn’t matter to me what I did as long as I came home to you at the end of the day.
I should have communicated that. I know I should. I should have shared everything with you, but I didn’t. And I can’t go back and change it now.
All I can do is apologize.
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry for hurting you.
This week has been the worst week of my life. Ever. Even worse than the fourteen years I lived without you before now.
I was wrong, baby.
You were right. I didn’t give you all of me. I held myself back, and I didn’t make you part of my life beyond spending my nights and weekends with you.
And you… you’ve been so wonderful, consuming every bit of me you could get. My books. My nights. My body. I gave all of that to you, you were happy with it, but you never realized you didn’t have my trust. Or, at least, not in the way that you should have.
I’m sorry that I continued to live my life as though I was still single. Not once since I got you back did I ever feel that way inside. I just did a terrible job letting you know that everything you were doing gave me everything I needed to feel safe again.
I feel safe with you, Ryker.
Even now, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I’ll run right back into your arms without any of the hesitation or caution I had weeks ago.
Please, baby. Please don’t give up on me.
I know I have work to do to earn your trust now. I promise I’ll work hard to get it. I just need to know that I didn’t damage this so badly that it’s far beyond repair. Please let me fix it.
I’ve enclosed another slip of paper with my flight details on it. I’d love nothing more than to see your face when I get off the plane on Sunday evening.
Second chances exist, but I’ve never read or written about a second second-chance romance. It probably doesn’t exist.
And if you’re not there, I’ll understand. No matter what, every part of me will always be yours.
Again, I’m so sorry for doing this to you… to us, Ryker. But I promise I’ll do everything I can to make it right.
I love you.
All my love forever,
Scarlet
Shit.
Shit.
I was getting her back. I could barely control my breathing, let alone my heart pounding in my chest.
My girl was coming home to me.
Home.
I picked up the envelope, found the slip of paper with her flight details, and walked upstairs. Then I took a picture of the piece of paper with my phone just in case. After, I climbed into bed and read her letter half a dozen more times, unable to stop my heart from swelling in my chest or the smile from growing on my face.
Two days later, I wished I would have read the letter a few more times. If I had, I might have found whatever it was I overlooked. Because when I showed up at the airport on Sunday evening, Scarlet never walked off the plane.
“Something happened.”
Yes, that much was true. And I wasn’t the least bit surprised Avery took one look at me and knew it, too.
It was Monday morning, and I’d just walked into work. I felt like I was right back at square fucking one.
As much as I was in no mood, I looked at Avery and confirmed, “Yes, something happened.”
“Are you okay?” she asked, genuine concern in her voice.
“I will be,” I told her.
“What happened?” she wondered.
I shook my head, still in disbelief. “She wrote me a letter,” I shared.
Avery’s eyes widened as she gasped, “Oh no. Did she officially end things in a letter?”
“No. Quite the opposite, actually,” I started. “I got home Friday and found a letter in my mailbox from her. It was good. Everything in it was good. In addition to the good things she wrote, she slipped another piece of paper into the envelope with all of her return flight details. She wanted me to pick her up from the airport so we could start again.”
“That sounds like a good thing,” Avery interjected.
“You would think so, right?” I countered. “Unfortunately, I got to the airport Sunday evening, and Scarlet never showed.”
Confusion washed over Avery’s face. “That makes no sense. Did she miss her flight?”
“I thought the same thing,” I began again. “Convinced that was the case, I called her. Her phone rang three or four times before it went to voicemail. I left her a voicemail and told her I was at the airport waiting for her. She never called back. And I started to think about it. If she had missed her flight, wouldn’t she reach out and tell me her new flight details? Not wanting to think the worst, I decided to try again and sent a text. She never responded. Even now, there’s been not a word from her. Nothing.”
“I don’t understand,” Avery replied.
Nodding in agreement, I said, “Neither do I. And I can’t keep wondering anymore, Avery. This weekend put me through the wringer. From the minute I got that letter from her, I couldn’t stop thinking about her and couldn’t wait to pick her up. I called a couple more times Sunday night and again this morning. No response.”
“Maybe she lost her phone,” Avery suggested. “Something could have happened to her.”
The idea that something terrible happened to her never crossed my mind. Not wanting that to be the case, I shook my head.
Avery lifted her phone in her hand and started tapping on the screen. I stood there, frozen, wondering about all the possibilities. Was I that blinded by what had happened between us that what I’d said was the truth? Maybe I didn’t trust Scarlet. Not seeing her there on Sunday, I assumed the worst about her.
Suddenly, I felt sick.
What if something had happened to her?
Avery flipped her phone around to show me the message she’d just sent.
Avery: Hey, Scarlet. I just wanted to check-in and see how the signing went. Kendall and I were hoping to plan our girls’ night. When are you free?
When my eyes went to hers, she said, “I think it’s best to keep it casual for now.”
I dipped my chin. “If you get a response, you’ll let me know?” I asked.
“Of course, Ryker,” she returned.
“I’m not sure what I want,” I admitted.
“What do you mean?”
I shrugged. “Should I be hoping that she responds and is physically okay, or do I want her to not respond to you either?”
Avery gave me a sympathetic look. “I’m sure there’s a good explanation for all of this,” she assured me.
Not knowing what else to say, I started to walk toward the steel door. Just as I put my hand to the doorknob, Avery called, “Ryker?”
“Yeah?”
Avery had caution written all over her face. “She responded.”
I moved back to Avery’s desk and reached out for her phone.
Scarlet: Hi, Avery. Everything is good. I’m not back yet. I needed a few extra days. I’ll reach out when I’m back in town.
I had my answers. She was alive and well. There was no denying I felt immense relief at that news. Despite that relief, an abundance of sadness flooded my mind. She wrote that letter, told me to meet her, and never came back.
Why?
Without another word, I handed the phone back to Avery and walked into the shop.
And for the rest of the day, I didn’t speak to anyone. I had a feeling Avery gave them the news, and they respected that I needed some time to cope and come to terms with it.
I worked until I exhausted myself. Then I went home, showered, and fell into bed. I didn’t sleep, not much anyway. And when morning rolled around, I got up and went back to work. My day was the same as the day before. I worked, I did what I had to do, and I was still there long after everyone else had left.
I was in the middle of installing a turbo kit on a car when I heard an unfamiliar female’s voice call out, “Hello?”
Fuck. It was after hours.
I was in no mood to deal with a customer right now.
Looking up from the car I was working on, I saw a young woman had walked in through the open garage door. She was looking around the shop when her eyes finally found me.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
“You’re Ryker,” she stated.
Did I know this woman?
“And you are?” I returned as I started moving toward the woman.
When I stopped in front of her, she marveled, “Wow, I guess I see the allure now.”
“Pardon?”
The woman shook her head and apologized, “I’m sorry. Um, my name is Elise, and Scarlet is my best friend.”
Fuck.
Her best friend was here. What the hell was going on?
“Is there something I can do for you?” I asked, knowing I had no intention of doing anything for this woman. I needed to move on.
“I’m looking for my best friend,” she said.
“I’m sorry?”
Elise gave me an incredulous look before she clarified, “Scarlet. My best friend. The woman who is madly in love with you.”
“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” I muttered.
“Where is she?”
I shrugged. “Still in Sacramento, I assume. Shouldn’t you know this already? Weren’t you with her?”
“Yes, but she dropped me off at the airport Sunday morning,” Elise started. “She was excited and nervous about coming home, hoping you’d be there to pick her up. Scarlet told me she’d call me if you didn’t show. So, I waited until yesterday afternoon to check in with her and see how things went with the two of you. She hasn’t responded. I just drove to her house, and she’s not there. Since we put that letter in your mailbox on Friday morning, I knew where you lived. I drove there and didn’t see your truck in the driveway. It’s clear nobody is there. So, I assumed she was out with you somewhere. I took a chance on coming here. When I saw your truck outside, I thought I’d stop in. Wait. Why are you saying she’s still in Sacramento?”
I cocked an eyebrow. Who was this woman? And why wasn’t she just talking to Scarlet about all of this?
“I went to the airport on Sunday to pick Scarlet up,” I said. “She never showed.”
Elise narrowed her eyes at me. “Did you talk to her after she dropped me off at the airport?” she asked. “What did you say to her?”
“I have spoken to Scarlet for over a week now,” I told her.
