Life promises for couple.., p.10
Life Promises for Couples, page 10
A Touch of Love
In marriage, the love language of physical touch has many dialects. This does not mean that all touches are created equal. Some will bring more pleasure to your spouse than others. Your best instructor is your spouse. Your wife knows what she perceives as a loving touch; don’t insist on touching her in your way and in your time. Respect her wishes. Learn to speak her dialect. Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring the most pleasure to her.
First Peter 3:7 says that husbands are to dwell with our wives “according to knowledge” (KJV) or “in an understanding way” (ESV). In other words, we need to know our spouse on a deep level. Men, the primary source of knowledge about what makes your wife feel loved is your wife. Some wives enjoy a back rub, others can take it or leave it, and others find it annoying. Women, of course the same goes for husbands.
God made your spouse unique. Physical touch is one of the five love languages, but you must discover what kind of touches your spouse enjoys. When you speak the right dialect of physical touch, your loved one will feel loved.
Life Promises
The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
Rejoice in the wife of your youth. . . . May you always be captivated by her love.
Proverbs 5:18-19
We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28, ESV
Baby Steps
One wife told me, “I want to touch my husband, but when I try, he draws back. He acts like it irritates him, unless of course we are having sex.” What is this man telling his wife by his behavior? That physical touch is not his primary love language. He will respond much better to words of affirmation or one of the other love languages. If physical touch is your spouse’s primary love language, he or she will welcome tender touches any time you want to give them.
Often, people speak their own love language to others. So if your spouse is always wanting to hug or kiss, it may be because that is what he or she would like from you.
Some people find it difficult to speak the language of physical touch. Perhaps they were not touched as children, and touching is uncomfortable for them. But anyone can learn to speak this language.
Paul makes it clear that we are not to deprive our spouse of sexual intercourse—or any other meaningful touch. When we marry, our bodies are no longer just our own. We can use touch as a gift to each other. Remember, love is about seeking to meet your spouse’s need, not your own. You don’t touch because it feels comfortable to you but because it communicates love to your beloved.
Life Promises
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
Psalm 19:14
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you.
James 1:5
Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.
Hebrews 13:16, ESV
That’s a Great Question!
Talking is the most fundamental art of marriage—and often the most ignored. How would you respond to this question: “Will you share with me one experience you had today and how it affected you?” How do you think your spouse would respond? Why not ask it and see? Sharing with each other is not that difficult, and it is encouraged by questions.
Questions need to be specific and open ended. “Did you have a good day?” is likely to elicit only a yes or a no. Instead, try, “What were the high and low points in your day and why?” It will take a little reflection, but you and your spouse can answer that question, and your answers may lead to more involved conversations. Questions should not be asked for the purpose of creating an argument, but so that you can understand what is going on in your spouse’s life.
Silence leads to isolation and separation. Sharing your thoughts leads to understanding and closeness. Marriage should involve two people having fellowship with each other, not two people living in the same house alone. As we talk, we can pray that our words and conversations would be pleasing to the Lord. Ask a question today, and stimulate meaningful conversation.
Life Promises
The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.
Proverbs 18:22
Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage.
Hebrews 13:4
You husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life.
1 Peter 3:7
The Gift of Marriage
The research is in, and marriage is the winner. It’s true. Married people are happier, healthier, and more satisfied with life than are singles. It seems that contemporary people are discovering by means of sociological research what the Bible declared to be true thousands of years ago.
It was God who said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). The first man, Adam, had a vocation. He had a place to live and plenty of animals to pet. He even had a relationship with God. But it was God’s analysis that Adam needed a wife. God had created all the animals in pairs—male and female—but had initially created only one human. Eve’s creation was not an afterthought. God didn’t say, “Oh, I forgot to make a woman. I’d better take care of that.” No! It was a matter of timing. God’s intention all along was to create people both male and female, but he first wanted to give Adam time to survey the world and discover the need for companionship—a counterpart to himself. Then God created what he termed “a helper who is just right for him.”
King Solomon tells us in Proverbs 18 that the man who finds a wife—or, we can extrapolate, the woman who finds a husband—finds a treasure. Marriage is a beautiful gift from the Lord.
Life Promises
[Jesus said,] “I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built.”
Luke 6:47-48
I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the LORD.
Hosea 2:19-20
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8, ESV
Laying a Strong Foundation
A strong foundation is the key to a strong marriage. Jesus told the story of a wise person who built a house on a foundation of solid rock. When storms and floods came, the house was not shaken. Contrast that to the foolish person, who built a house with no foundation. It collapsed at the first storm. The foundation in our relationship with God is faith, trust, and obedience. In our marriage, the foundation is oneness.
In God’s plan, marriage involves two people, husband and wife, becoming one unit. They choose to share life more deeply with each other than with anyone else. This intimacy involves all aspects of life. Ideally, before we get married, we should explore the foundation for oneness. Intellectually, are we on the same wavelength? Can we talk and understand each other? Emotionally, are we able to share our feelings without fear of rejection? Socially, do we enjoy similar activities? Spiritually, are we marching to the beat of the same drummer?
After marriage, we build on this foundation. If the foundation is shaky, then it will be more difficult to build intimacy. But build we must, for that is the heart of what marriage is all about. Creating intimacy may be difficult, but we have all of God’s help when we commit ourselves to following his plan.
Life Promises
We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.
Ephesians 4:15
Look at those who are honest and good, for a wonderful future awaits those who love peace.
Psalm 37:37
Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:8, ESV
The Truth about Doves
Marriage experts have discovered some common communication patterns that are detrimental to communication. One such pattern is what is sometimes called the Dove. In this pattern, one partner placates the other in order to avoid his or her wrath. It’s the “peace at any price” syndrome. Typical statements from a Dove are, “That’s fine with me” or “Whatever makes you happy makes me happy.”
Doves are always trying to appease the other person, often apologizing for things that may have upset the partner, no matter how insignificant. They almost never disagree with their spouse openly, no matter how they feel. Often the Dove pattern grows out of low self-esteem. The placater may think, My ideas are not worth anything, so why express them? He or she may also fear the spouse’s response to disagreement.
It should be obvious that this pattern of communication does not build authentic marriages. Honesty honors God and reflects his image. Psalm 31:5 even refers to the Lord as “the God of truth” (NIV). We must learn to speak the truth, with grace and in love, to be sure, but we must speak the truth.
Life Promises
I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working hard. You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
Acts 20:35
Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.
Luke 6:38, ESV
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2, ESV
The Secret to True Happiness
Happiness is a unique commodity. It is never found by the person shopping for it. Lonely men and women in every age have admitted the futility of their search for happiness, most notably King Solomon in the book of Ecclesiastes. This wealthy, powerful king, with servants to cater to his every whim, found most things in life to be tedious, meaningless, and devoid of joy.
Most of us get married assuming that we are going to be happy. After the wedding, we find that our mate does not always seek to make us happy. Perhaps our spouse even demands more and more of our time, energy, and resources for his or her own happiness. We feel cheated and used, so we fight for our rights. We demand that our spouse do certain things for us, or we give up and seek happiness elsewhere.
Part of the apostle Paul’s definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13 is that it is “not self-seeking” (verse 5, NIV). Genuine happiness is the by-product of making someone else happy. I wonder what would have happened if King Solomon had found someone to serve? Don’t the Scriptures say, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35)?
Do you want to be happy? Discover someone else’s needs, and seek to meet them. Why not begin with your spouse? “How may I help you?” is a good question with which to begin.
Life Promises
The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
Galatians 5:22-23
I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.
Matthew 5:44-48
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Colossians 3:12-13
The Transforming Power of Love
The story is told of a woman who went to a marriage counselor for advice. “I want to divorce my husband,” she said, “and I want to hurt him as much as I can.”
“In that case,” the counselor advised, “start showering him with compliments. When you have become indispensable to him—when he thinks you love him devotedly—then start the divorce action. That’s the way to hurt him most.”
Some months later, the wife returned to report that she had followed the counselor’s advice.
“Good,” said the counselor. “Now’s the time to file for divorce.”
“Divorce?” said the woman. “Never! I’ve fallen in love with the guy.”
Loving words and actions change not only the spouse; they change the one speaking and acting lovingly. Didn’t Jesus say, “Love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44)? Perhaps your spouse qualifies, at least at certain moments! It may seem impossible, but Galatians 5 reassures us that it’s not all up to us. The Holy Spirit, who dwells within believers, produces godly attributes in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. All we need to do is allow him to work within us.
Loving your spouse in the power of the Holy Spirit will never make things worse. Who knows? Things may get better. Go against your emotions, and give love a chance.
Life Promises
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:31-32
The LORD is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
Psalm 103:8
Can’t We All Just Get Along?
Why do people argue? In one word, rigidity. When we argue, in essence we are saying, “My way is the right way. If you don’t do it my way, I’ll make your life miserable.” The arguer insists on getting his or her own way.
Conflict resolvers have a different attitude. They say, “I’m sure we can work this out in a way that will be positive for both of us. Let’s think about it together.” They look for a win-win resolution. They begin by respecting each other’s ideas and looking for a solution instead of trying to win an argument.
The Scriptures say that love “does not demand its own way.” Love is not proud, either, so it doesn’t consider its way best. Actually, love means looking out for the other person’s interests. Philippians 2:4 says, “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.” What would be best for you? is the question of love.
Life Promises
Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.
Ephesians 4:23-24
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.
Lamentations 3:23
Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
2 Corinthians 5:17
It’s Not You, It’s Me
Is your personality an asset or a liability to your marriage? Most personality traits are expressed by contrasting words. We speak of an individual being optimistic or pessimistic, critical or complimentary, extroverted or introverted, patient or impatient. While our personalities are developed in childhood, they are not set in concrete. We can change.
If I realize that my tendency to withdraw and remain silent is detrimental to my marriage, I can learn to share my feelings and thoughts. If I realize that my critical attitude is killing my mate’s spirit, I can break the pattern and learn to give compliments.
The message of the Bible is that God loves us as we are, but he loves us too much to leave us as we are. We all need to grow, and growth requires change. We are influenced by our personalities, but we need not be controlled by them. Instead, we are to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. In Ephesians 4, Paul tells us to “let the Spirit renew [our] thoughts and attitudes.” He will work in our lives, but we need to allow him to do it. When we yield to him, we will see significant changes in our approaches to life and marriage.
Life Promises
Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.
