Unbreakable, p.14
Unbreakable, page 14
My mom, Jake’s mom, Tami, Roxy, and I all start crying while the boys all look at the doctors, trying to understand what he just said. Jake holds on to me as tight as he can while I try my hardest not to let the tears fall, but failing miserably. Jake, being Jake, forges forward and asks the specialist what the course of treatment will be. He’s taking the bull by the horns, that’s my man. Since he’s showing strength, I try to draw from his. Jake remains strong and steadfast. I, on the other hand, am slowly withering away, crumbling like a stack of cards, free falling in an abyss of darkness. I can’t believe we’re facing the dreaded ‘Big C’.
I finally find my voice, and the only question I have doesn’t even pertain to any medical jargon, which at this point I can’t understand, anyway.
“I only have one concern. Are you the best doctor who can help him get well?” I manage to ask though with a very shaky voice.
“Jake is in good hands.” Dr. Stewart looks at me straight in the eye, but it doesn’t make me feel better.
I don’t even realize the doctors have left. I’m stuck in my own world, thinking of how Jake can be taken from me. No matter how much I want to escape, to run, I know I can’t. I thought I’ve gotten over my fear of losing him, of being alone, but I’m back to where I started. My arch nemesis is back with a vengeance, and I don’t know if I have it in me to come out on top.
Jake
As soon as I hear the word cancer, I think of Trish, right away. How will she accept this? Will she be able to adapt, much less overcome, the fear I know is fast settling in her brain. I know there is something more. I can feel it. I need to get Trish out of here, so, I can hopefully talk to the doctor again with my dad and map out an action plan.
“Mom, why don’t you take everyone out to lunch?” I suggest with a smile to my mom, but give my dad a wink for him to stay behind.
Without missing a beat, my dad pushes everyone out, and thankfully Trish doesn’t put up a fight. As soon as they get out, I tell my dad to go straight to the nurses’ station and see if my oncologist is still here. I need to ask him something…something I couldn’t ask in front of Trish.
Dad walks in with the Asian doctor. It seems lady luck is on my side. I inwardly smile sarcastically with that thought. Luck…fuck! How can that word even enter my mind in a situation such as this?
“Alright, Jake. Is there something you want to ask me?” Dr. Hu asks, his ever present poker face in full effect.
I take a deep breath. “How bad is it? I…I…mean what’s my prognosis.”
He eyes me skeptically, probably gauging how much of the truth I can handle. My dad, the strong marine, stands tall. His strength and unyielding conviction pulses it’s way straight through me.
“Okay, here’s what we have. The type of Leukemia you have is fast and aggressive. The cocktail (a.k.a. chemo) I’m going to give you is not enough to cure you. Your only hope is a Bone Marrow Transplant. Without it, you only have three months if that. Now, the transplant can be through a donor or autologous, which means we use your own. If your sister is a match, the extensive round of chemo would still be in place. Then we’ll harvest her marrow and intravenously give it to you. If not, we don’t have time to wait for an outside donor; therefore, we will go the autologous route, aside from the extensive chemo, you need to have full body radiation. It’ll bring your body down to zero levels, to make sure there are no cancer cells present in your marrow. This part of the treatment is the most dangerous because you are susceptible to any kind of infection. The chance of getting an infection is greater because of a shortage of normal while blood cells. A simple cold for us could mean death to you, and that’s why you’ll be in isolation the whole time you’re at the BMT (bone marrow transplant unit). Anyone who enters your room needs to wear a mask, gown, and gloves. There’s also a greater chance of bleeding or bruising because of a shortage of blood platelets. You will be given blood platelet transfusions to counter that. Then, when your numbers go up, we harvest your clean marrow and give it back to you. That’s our game plan. Anything else you want to know?”
My dad clears his throat. “Three months? My son only has three months!” He says in his controlled voice he only uses when he means business.
“Mr. Oliver, I am not giving him a death sentence…”
“Bullshit!” My dad interrupts him. “What the hell does ‘you only have three months’ mean?” He turns around, faces the window, and continues his rant. “Thank God, you didn’t say that in front of my wife. What I want to know is the rate of survival during the treatment. Don’t give me a damn time frame!”
Dr. Hu shakes his head. “You want me to give you the survival rate? Isn’t that worse than the three months I just said? Look, your son is young. He can fight this, but it will be a tough fight. Make no mistake, this will be the fight of his life. I’ll spell it out to you if you want. Tumor lysis syndrome is a side effect caused by a rapid break down of the leukemia cells during treatment. When these cells die, they go to the bloodstream. These waste chemicals will affect the brain, kidneys, heart and nervous system. But, there are drugs to combat that. Do you want me to go on? You have to factor in infections, side effects, and other things, but his age, the support of his family, his drive to survive….all these are on his side.”
“Fair enough. Now that I know what I’m up against, make sure Trish, my mom, and Tami don’t know anything about this,” I say resolutely. “Also, I’d like to have kids with Trish someday, and I know after the chemo I’d…I can’t produce viable…um sperm. I know there’s a way to do that.” It’s hard for me to ask this question because I want to be able to get her pregnant the natural way. I feel less of a man doing it the alternative way, but hell if I care. All I want is a complete future with her.
I finally get a smile from Dr. Poker face. “Of course, I can arrange that. You can bank your sperm, Jake. Everything is possible…let’s just get over one hurdle at a time. I’ll set everything up before you get your cocktail. Are we good here?” With a nod in agreement he leaves.
My dad and I stare at each other with a look that says you-better-soldier-up-son and I-won’t-let-you-down-dad. After our silent communication, it’s time to get down to the tough shit.
“Okay, Dad, knowing what we know, I want Trish to be set. Touch base with Dr. Poker face about the sperm bank, make sure Trish isn’t here when that happens. I…I don’t want to tell her about it just yet. Draw up the necessary paper work to make sure she’ll be okay if and when the shit hits the fan. She’ll fight you, but I want this done, Dad. I need it done,” I say while my voice cracks when I remember the invisible three month timer around my neck.
Without flinching, my dad gives me his silent answer that it’ll get done.
“Are you squared away, Son? I’ll do what you ask, but make sure you do what is expected of you. You fight…” he closes his eyes for a fraction of a second, and when he opens them, the fire of determination blazes through them. “…fight for her...fight for you. Clear your mind and focus on the prize. Can you do that?
I give him a nod because I can’t say anything thinking of the possibility of Trish losing me. I just got her….I just finally fucking got her. I shared her with Dylan even though she wasn’t mine to share. I waited for a year to finally make my move, even though I didn’t have to. Now…now that I finally have her, prepared to start a life with her, there’s a high chance of her losing me…and me losing her to death.
My dad walks toward me, grabs me by the back of my neck, tugs me hard, and stares me down, his eyes dare me to man up. “Sound off, Son. I need to hear it.” My dad’s strong, deep voice brings me back to the now.
“I’m good, Dad. I’ll fight for her,” I say with as much determination as I can pull while my fucking heart is breaking.
He raises his brow. “And you?” he asks, his lips tight, eyes glazed over, but fighting his hardest not to let a single tear fall.
“Fighting for her means fighting for me too, because she’s my life,” I answer without blinking an eye.
He grins at me and says, “Outstanding!”
“Dad, what about the threat? Have you heard from Uncle John yet?”
That question wipes the grin off his face. “No new threats, and the new guy is doing recon as we speak. As I said, clear head, Son. Your objective is to get better, understand? Everything is under control, Jake.”
With that, he leaves and I’m alone with my thoughts. How can we get past this? Her losing Dylan in a very violent way without witnessing it, thank God, broke her. What will it do to her when she sees me suffer? I have to tell myself over and over again that our love is unchangeable…steadfast….UNBREAKABLE.
Chapter 20
Trish
“Tricia, I want to thank you for taking care of my son. I want you to know, he loves you, so much. I know you guys are not legally married yet, but in our eyes, you already are. Please, don’t leave my son.” Patti covers her face with her hands and cries.
I hug her, offering comfort I’m not sure I have to give. “I promise, Patti; I’ll never leave him. I love your son more than I can ever say.” I wipe my own tears that are slowly trickling down my cheek.
“Please, call me, Mom. You’re our daughter, now,” She says kissing my cheek.
“Okay.”
As the elevator doors open, we’re greeted by Jake’s dad.
“Patti, are you ready to go? Jake wants to rest early for tomorrow’s surgery.” His commanding voice booms in the hallway.
“Well, I want to say goodbye to him before we go.”
“Alright, make it quick. Tricia, can I talk to you, please.” He looks at me, tilting his head at the sitting area in the hallway.
This one on one talk makes me nervous on so many levels. One, I don’t know what he’s going to say, and two, he just makes me nervous, period. I sit on the chair next to the door while he sits next to me, as he reaches for my hand and holds it with both of his.
“My dear, Jake wants me to discuss with you his last will and testament….”
I cut his dad off by putting my hand up. I take deep calming breaths, closing my eyes, focusing only on Jake’s voice in my mind telling me to be strong…to stay strong for him. I play with my ring, while my heart centers on him, my brain zeroes in on the end game. Over and over again, I play it in my head. If he has faith in me that I can do it…then even if I stumble and fall, I’ll pick myself up, again and again.
“Tricia, focus on me. He warned me about you not wanting to talk about this, but you need to hear it. He wants everything in writing; if something were to happen to him, all his assets, will go to you. I want you to know, my wife and I agree with his decision. He loves you, and anyone he loves; we love, too. This is just precautionary, okay? You know how he is; he wants everything ironed out, so this shouldn’t come as a surprise to you,” He states lovingly, but firmly.
I don’t know what possessed me, but I tell him forcefully, “Mr. Oliver, I’m sorry, but you can tell him to shove his last will up his ass. If he’s asking me to be strong for him, please tell him what I want from him is to fight and not prepare anything for me. I don’t understand why he’s doing this.”
I must have surprised the hell out of Jack because he’s just staring at me with a hint of smile on his face. I guess my mini performance deserves an “outstanding” from him.
“Outstanding, my girl grew some balls. But, I can’t shove them up his ass because that’s what he wants done. I gave him my word that I’ll do it. You can do the shoving when he gets better.” He holds my hand between his strong ones. “Keep the fire, Trish. As long as there is still hope, you fight, you may fall, but you have to get up. It’s when you push yourself up that matters, not what caused the fall, remember that.”
I smile at him. “I…I don’t know what has come over me. I don’t like hearing him planning his death. It upsets me.”
“However, you keep that drive to fight, focus on it.” He winks at me as I do the same.
I pray I have more moments like that, I sure need it. He walks with me to Jake’s room, pulling his wife off Jake. I can’t blame her; I actually want to permanently attach myself to her son. As soon as we were by ourselves, he motions for me to sit next to him.
“Come on, baby; giddy up time…hop on.” Delight dances in his eyes, and I wonder what’s delightful about anything that’s happened today.
“Are you serious, right now?”
“When do I kid around when it comes to you? Come on, you’re wasting time.”
I hop on and sit on his knees which earns me a frown. I grab both his hands and lace our fingers together, which is a wrong move on my part, because he pulls me toward him which causes me to fall on top of him. He releases my hands, snakes his arms around me, and his legs go over both of mine, effectively trapping me.
“Relax, babe. We’re only going to talk about what happened today. You need to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours, and you better tell me the truth. We need to be open about everything, and I mean, everything. Don’t hide anything from me, tell me about your fears. I know you have a lot,” He says, as he kisses me gently on my lips.
“I’m scared, and upset among other things, but those two are the strongest feelings that come to mind.”
“Okay, hit me with it. Talk to me.” He kisses me again.
“First, I’m scared, because I don’t know what will happen to you. How will the chemo affect you? I don’t want to see you sick or in pain, and I don’t know if I can handle seeing you like that. I’m upset, because of what you told your dad. Please, babe, don’t talk as if you’re going to die, I can’t take it. That is one thing I will not talk about, and neither will you. You’ll survive this. You’re not going to leave me. You hear me, Jacob Matthew Oliver!”
He just stares at me for a while, trying to let the words sink into his brain. I’m sure he’s thinking of a rebuttal, especially about his last will he’s pulling on me.
I didn’t tell him, though, what I’m ultimately scared shitless about is him dying on me. I’ve already had one person leave me, and I know I won’t be able to survive it this time. As much as I loved Dylan, Jake is my life. He is my all…My.Everything.
“Love you, baby. Now, let’s get down to business. I know everything you’re overwhelmed right now, I am, too. But, now that we know what we’re dealing with, and the doctors explained everything to us, all we need to do is wait. I’ll do anything to get well for you…for US. As long as you stay next to me, I’m good. I know you’re thinking what if Tami’s not my match, but let’s just think of one thing at a time, alright? Let’s get these four rounds of cocktails out of the way, and we’ll go from there. About my last will, I’m not bending on that, babe. Everything I have will go to you; I don’t want you to question it, because you shouldn’t. I’m only doing it to protect you, that’s it. So please, don’t fight my dad on it, because he’ll do what I say anyway. By the way, I’ve been told once I start my chemo, to help me from getting sick, kissing on the lips should be avoided.”
He leans in again to kiss me. At the rate we’re going, we won’t be able to finish our “talk” since every ten seconds he kisses me. This is the first time I’ve heard I won’t be able to kiss him after they start his chemo.
“Who told you I’m not able to kiss you?” I mumble, followed by a frown.
He starts laughing. “You can kiss me, but not on the mouth…you can kiss me down there if you want,” He says, looking downward while wiggling his brows.
“Jake! We’re having a serious talk here!” I exclaim, getting extremely frustrated.
“Okay, alright. I’m just trying to make you laugh, but if you want to kiss my dick, it’s okay too.”
I roll my eyes at him as I place my cheek on his chest. “Nah, I’ll pass. Can you just hold me?”
“That’s okay too. Love you.”
Now more than ever, hearing him say those words to me brings me to tears. He’s getting choked up because of the state I’m in, and I’m crying because I’m afraid of losing him. So, we let our tears wash away our fears, only for them to come back, again. The words we want to say to each other, we say in each tear that falls on our faces. How I wish this were all a dream, and tomorrow, life would be back to normal. However, the reality is…this is my reality.
Jake
“I think we’ve cried enough today. How about you rest? Your surgery is scheduled first thing tomorrow morning,” She says, trying to change the subject.
“Before I forget, open that drawer, please.” I point to the bedside table where a surprise is waiting for her.
“Why do you have two bags of Kisses in here? Who got them for you?” She asks; I can just imagine what she’s thinking, right now.
“Tami got them for me. So, since I won’t be able to kiss you on your lips, starting tomorrow, every time I want to kiss you, I’ll hand you one so you can eat it. I know how much you love and enjoy eating your sweets, so when I see you eat it; it’s as if you’re kissing me back.”
“Ah, I see; I’ll be as big as a whale when this whole thing is over. You might not want to be with me anymore.”
“I’ll still love you just the same. Remember, I’ll lose all my hair, so I’ll be bald. Will you love me then, sweetheart?” I anxiously wait for her answer.
Me losing my hair is just one of the side effects of chemo that she knows of. The other side effects, which I’m thankful she doesn’t know, includes sores on my tongue, inside my mouth, my saliva will be so thick I’ll need to suction it out, fever, fatigue, internal bleeding, lung infection, bruising, swelling, I can go on and on. I try not to dwell on it, not because I’m afraid, but because I’m afraid for her, or how she’ll react.
“Bald, fat, cranky, you name it, I will always love you. Just stay alive for me…for us, please. I won’t survive being alone, Jake. I can’t.” Her pleading voice wounds me deeply, knowing that I can’t control anything frustrates me.
