Unbreakable, p.16
Unbreakable, page 16
“Stop that, Trish!” Tami yells, elbowing me.
“What?”
“Everything is under control, okay? Stop worrying about me. Besides, Rox is helping me. Your focus is my brother, end of story,” Tami explains while she rubs her temple, as she always does, when she’s stressed.
“Tami, can I have my girl back, please?” Jake glares at Tami which in a few seconds she’ll gladly dish right back.
“Geez, she’s in the same room, Jake!” Tami glares back.
I sit next to him on his bed, which is my designated spot when he wants me near him. Jake turns to me and kisses my forehead.
“You okay?” He asks as he tucks my hair behind my ear.
“I’m okay. A little nervous, but nothing I can’t handle. How about you, you okay?”
“This shit hanging on my chest is bothering me a bit, but other than that, I’m good. I’m nervous because you’re nervous. I hate seeing that worried look on your face,” He answers, rubbing my arm with his hand.
I bury my face in the crook of his neck. I inhale his scent as I pepper his neck with small wet kisses.
“I love you, so much. Thank you for loving me.”
He pulls me closer to him, leaning slightly toward my ear.
“Love you too, sweetheart. My kisses, please,” He whispers as he moves so that our lips touch once again.
“Jake, we have an audience. I can’t give your special kisses if everyone’s here,” I whisper back.
“Can everyone clear the room, please? The love of my life won’t kiss me if we have an audience,” He says playfully, glaring at everyone.
That’s when I notice the boys, including Jack, were wearing white shirts and black tactical pants.
“Seriously, Jake, you have to give Trish’s lips a rest! Again, you guys are walking tooth decay!” Roxy exclaims while slapping her forehead.
Ignoring Roxy, we bubble ourselves in our own little world where only we exist, no pain…no tears…no cancer; but really there’s no escaping it.
“I’m going to miss kissing you. Please, wait for me. Don’t leave me, please,” He says, placing his forehead against mine.
“I’m not going anywhere, promise. The kissing part, we have it covered; remember, the chocolates. You can still kiss me on my forehead or my cheeks, so that’s a good thing. You’ll see me here every day, my face will be the first thing you’ll see in the morning when you open your eyes, and it’s the last thing you’ll see when you close them at night. I promise,” I say, trying to sound positive.
The nurse walks in holding a bag that has a murky liquid inside. She says hello to everyone and asks me if I could get off the bed while she prepares everything for Jake. As soon as I see the first drop of chemo slowly flow its way down the IV line straight to his chest, my heart almost stops beating. This is it; there is no turning back. As I close my eyes, a picture of a butterfly flashes in my mind. I thank God for that sign; it means a re-birth of some kind. My Jake will morph into someone different physically, but one day when he’s all better, he’ll be the same Jake, just a lot stronger.
Jake asks Brian if he’d shave his hair off today. He doesn’t want to see his hair fall out in clumps, and I agree with him. I think it would kill me to see sections of his head without hair, like the others I’ve seen in the hallway.
“Are you ready for your Mr. Clean makeover, Jake?” Roxy points at a chair while turning the hair clippers on and off.
Jake wearing his basketball shorts and a white sleeveless shirt hops off the bed as I mentally drool over his handsome face with his five o’clock shadow. I can still feel his stubble tickling my neck, not too long ago. My eyes find his bulging biceps, his toned abs, which I can’t see at the moment, but recall by memory, down to his trim waist. I glance back at his face to find him smiling smugly at me, because he caught me checking him out.
Roxy hands Brian the hair clippers, and Jake sits on the chair in front of Brian. While my mom, Patti, Tami, Roxy, and I stand right in front of the window. I’m waiting for Cody to crack a joke to lighten the mood, but his somber expression and rigid stance are the most serious since I’ve met him.
I elbow Tami and whisper in her ear, “Do you know what’s going on?”
She shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head. “I don’t have a clue, but from the looks of it, there won’t be a dry eye in this room when all is said and done.”
Brian glances my way before making his first pass. I give him a nod and look back at Jake, whose eyes remain locked on mine. Never does he look away, no sadness in them either, pure strength, solid and firm eyes gaze my way as my face rains down with tears. I clench my teeth, trying to hold myself together, but his stare brings me to my knees. His strength is carrying me…carrying us….once again.
When Brian makes his final pass he pauses, wipes Jake’s head, and taps his shoulder. I think Jake is going to sit on his bed, but instead he stand next to Brian moving his IV pole, as his dad takes the seat. Jack reaches out and holds Jake’s hand. I glance Patti’s way when I hear her gasp, and her face is drench with tears as she locks eyes with her husband whose steadfast gaze leaves no room for fear. As Jack stands next to Brian, hands still clasped together with Jake’s, Cody takes the hot seat next. His blond hair falls as if in slow motion as he winks at Roxy who’s sniffling next to me. I reach out to grab her hand, and she squeezes mine…hard… in return. Tami reaches for mine when Cody stands next to Jack, clasps his hand, and Brian hands Jake the clippers as Brian takes the seat. It’s a very poignant moment. Tears cover our faces as our men stand Resilient. Tenacious. Steady.
The moment Jake makes his final pass on Brian, Jack clears his throat, and his powerful voice echoes through the four walls of the room.
“This will be a fight we are not going to lose. We will stand strong together for Jake and Trish. We will hold them with our strength and guard them with our prayers. We will adapt until he overcomes this. And.He.Will.”
Jack turns to face Jake, pulls him in for a tight embrace, and whispers something in his ear which makes him close his eyes and nod in understanding. With everyone being emotionally spent, a break is very much needed. I don’t want anything, but Jake tells Tami to grab something for me.
As soon as we’re by ourselves, Jake sitting on the edge of the bed, and I stand in between his legs. I tenderly set my hands on his head, slowly pull him toward my chest, and kiss him reverently on top of his head as he clings to me. The silence that surrounds us is full of sadness, but even with that, the love that shifts between us subdues it, sadness yields to it.
I tilt his head upward so I can see his eyes. “You’re really rocking this Mr. Clean look, babe. You’re the most hot, handsome, strongest man I ever laid eyes on.” I grab his hand and place it over my heart. His eyes never leave mine. “You feel that, nothing changed, Jake. Nothing.”
He stares at me silently…his eyes glazing over. “I.Love.You.” He winks at me.
Suddenly he’s wearing his naughty grin, and I know something X-rated will be coming out that dirty mouth of his soon. “So, since I’m bald and my head is smooth as a baby’s bottom, we have something in common. Wanna guess what it is?”
I raise my eyebrows at him. “I’m almost afraid to ask. But, if I have to guess…” I pause for dramatic effect. “…I’d have to say…” he looks at me hopefully. “…it’s my sexy ass.” It’s my turn to wink at him.
He looks shock. “That’s the best you can come up with, your ass? Not that it’s not great, but there’s this one smooth, wet, tasty, tight…” I cover his mouth as he pulls me closer to him.
“Okay, fine. I’ll say it. It’s my vagina. There, enough said about my vagina and let’s talk about our wedding. So, Brian talked to me about our wedding. Thanks for thinking about everything. I just know it’ll be perfect, but I’d like to know where my wedding will be. Can you, please, tell me? I’m dying to find out,” I say as I kiss the back of his hand.
“Nope, that’s a surprise. Just know it’ll be perfect because of you, babe. It doesn’t matter where. In fact, I don’t care about anything as long as I’ll see your beautiful face walking down the aisle, walking straight toward me, that in itself will be enough for me. I can’t wait to make you officially mine. Can you kiss me right here, please?” He requests, putting his pointer finger on his forehead.
“No problem, Mr. Oliver; one kiss on the forehead coming right up.” I stand up to kiss him.
“Another one.” He grins at me.
“Sure, no problem, Sir. I aim to please.” Letting my lips linger a bit longer.
“Thanks, baby. Can you hand me the bag of Kisses, please.” He grabs three in the bag and hands them to me.
“Already?” I teasingly ask him.
“Of course, now put them in that lovely mouth of yours and start kissing the shit out of me.”
Grabbing my hand, interlacing our fingers. He watches me while I eat my Kisses, focusing on my lips. I’m almost tempted to lick my lips, but stop because I know he’s hanging on by a thread with his self-control. As hard as I try not to think of anything else but him, my mind always goes back to the scary what ifs of our situation. It’s hard being in limbo, not knowing what will happen. It traps my mind and chokes my heart enough to lose sight of the promise I made to him, the promise of being strong and staying strong. How can I do that, when the fear of losing him has a stronghold on me?
Jake
Losing my hair is not the hardest part of this journey. Not even close. I couldn’t care less if I remain bald for the rest of my life as long as I can have an assurance that I’d survive this. However, no one can give me that…and I don’t expect anyone to, anyway. Seeing the three most important women in my life cry for me, shed tears that they shouldn’t, made my heart ache even more. The fierce protector in me somehow always over powers any emotion that runs through me.
When I wake up from my nap, I’m expecting to be hit with nausea, but surprisingly enough, I feel fine. I need to go to the bathroom though, ASAP. I notice I have a boner which makes me chuckle mentally. I think Jake junior is telling me everything is still operational. I mentally do a fist pump in salute to my dick.
“Hey there, handsome. How are you feeling?” Trish’s sweet voice makes my dick even jump up for joy. He’s like a fucking jack in the box.
“Good. I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Let’s go then.” I couldn’t help but notice her eagerness, which makes me think she wants a piece of Jake junior.
“Someone’s excited to help me. You want to see something, baby?” Grinning at her, I lean and kiss her on the nose.
“Oh yeah, I’m so excited to see your dick. So, get moving!”
Trish hardly ever instigates anything, so I reach for her hand and let her feel my hard on. My euphoric high comes to a screeching halt when she utters the words that ram through my heart like a freight train.
“How can you be hard? Doesn’t the chemo affect it?”
I look at her, not with contempt or anger, but with great sadness because it brings me back to my reality…my reality I’m trying to escape even for a moment…that I’m sick, and her natural inclination is to think nothing will be as it was.
“I’m sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to say it that way. I am so, so sorry, please, don’t be mad at me.” She cautiously approaches me as if I’m a fucking drenched dog that was kicked to the curb.
I don’t say anything; instead I go to the bathroom by myself. I know I’m acting like a child but unless you’re a man and someone asks why your power drill is working, instead of being happy about it is an insult. As soon as I get out, I press the red button to call my nurse. She stands there, just looking at me, afraid to open her mouth.
“Yes, Sir. Do you need something?” A voice says through the intercom.
“I want to get out of my room. Can I walk in the hallway?” I want to get the fuck out of my room before I say something I’m sure I’ll regret.
“Of course, Sir. You can. Just make sure you’re with someone, and please, wear a mask.” The voice responds.
“That’s okay, I can handle it by myself.” Releasing the button, I turn toward the door. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I’m hoping she’ll leave me alone.
“Um…you need this, Jake, before you go.” She walks over to me and hands me the mask.
I take it, but never look at her. She knows not being able to be with her is one of my fears. To others, it may be a stupid thing, but our connection, emotional and physical, is always important to me. I put them above everything else, and right now, we aren’t connected at all, on either front. As I walk toward the window at the end of the hall, I can feel her eyes on me, but I don’t look back. I look to the side, and Ms. Betsy starts walking along side me.
She smiles. “Mr. Oliver, you’re out without your mask, that’s a big no no in this wing. Do you have a death wish?” Her smile almost fools me because her tone is nothing close to being nice.
She caught me at a bad time. I snap the mask on and glare at her. “Are you happy now?” I look away, hoping she’d leave.
“You know, I’ve been doing this a long time…” she emphasizes the word long and if the universe isn’t fucking with me, I don’t know who is. “…and I know who bites and who doesn’t. Who broods and who doesn’t. You look like a biter and a brooder.” I look at her, and she smugly grins at me. “I’ll leave you to your brooding.” Then, she makes her grand exit.
This place is going to fucking drive me insane. As I walk in my room, I see Trish asleep on the sofa. I enjoy looking at her peaceful, pretty face for a couple of minutes, until I feel the first wave of nausea hit me hard. I run to the bathroom as fast as I can and experience the first heaving match of this fucking fight.
“Jake, why didn’t you wake me up? Wait, let me get a wash cloth for you.” Trish immediately goes into nurse mode, wetting the wash cloth and putting it on my neck.
“I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.” I refuse to look at her, I don’t want to see her pretty face wearing a worried look instead of the peaceful one she wore a couple of minutes ago.
“Call me if you need anything, okay?”
Well, shit got real fast, and her seeing me like this is just a preview of what’s next. I give her a half smile as soon as I walk out of the bathroom, and I see relief in her eyes.
“Do you want to eat? I can feed you your dinner if you want?” Her face is hopeful that I’ll agree to eat.
“I just puked my guts out, Trish. I don’t want to look at food, right now.” I don’t mean to snap at her, but I do. The turmoil of feelings I’m having right now is like a category five hurricane warning. I need to process my own feelings on top of trying to protect her from hers, and I don’t know which one to shut off first.
“Okay, just let me know if you get hungry.” She quietly sits down on the chair next to my bed and plays with her IPad.
I turn on the TV, ignoring her once again. I want to hold her hand, but I can’t; I want to kiss her, but I know I’ll want more…I will crave more. I will always crave more. I want to turn off my feelings for her, but I can’t…I don’t have it in me. My girl beat me to it, though, she grabs my hand, intertwines it tight, and never lets go. That simple touch rights me, it clears my mind. She always pulls me out of the darkness like an angel. My.Girl.Is.One.Of.A.Kind….and I thank God every day, more so now, that she’s mine….At.Last.She.Is.Mine….but for how long….
I kiss the back of her hand which makes her smile. I let my lips linger for a while, enjoying our moment until nausea hits me again and destroys the connection I want…the connection I crave. I grab the pink pan, and just like that, round two starts.
“Do you feel nauseous?” Trish ask while rubbing my back. I only nod my head.
“You want me to ask for some anti-nausea medication? So you’ll feel better?” She whispers in my ear, still rubbing my back.
I shake my head, because I hate taking any kind of medication. I’m stubborn that way which I know will frustrate her. The fewer drugs I take, the better. I think the feeling passes already, so I lay back down and close my eyes.
I feel her kiss my forehead…Her touch…damn her touch…always, always calms me, it eases my pain, it subdues my raging emotions…it quiets my soul.
“I love you, Jake, so much.” Her lips brush against my clammy skin.
“Love you, forever. Hug me; I feel better when you’re near me.” I feel so weak, but damned if I’ll let this fucker win.
My bed is in the semi upright position, and I’m practically on top of her. I rest my head on her chest and succumb to her touch. I hear her sniffles and her chest heaves rapidly as she tries to catch her breath, she probably thinks I fell asleep and finally caves in and cries.
“Please don’t cry. Please, be strong for me, Trish, please.” I beg her because that was the only thing left for me to do.
I need to distract her from her feelings. Anxiety will overwhelm her, if fear hasn’t already. I feel it in her touch, the way she holds me tight as if I’m dying right before her eyes. I’ve never felt as helpless in my entire life as I do at this moment. How many more of these moments are we going to have? The one I want to protect from pain is slowly drifting into the pits of hell. So, I ask what I know will take her mind off it.
“Kiss me.”
“Where do you want it, baby?” She whispers.
“Closest to my lips, I need to feel your lips close to mine.”
She kisses my nose, then my forehead, and over and over again she kisses my temple. With each kiss, I feel her surrendering to fear…and the heartache I’m feeling is indescribable. I’m dying inside. The claws of fear…not for my own…but for her have my heart in a choke hold, and I can’t escape it.
