Fatal hearts, p.12
Fatal Hearts, page 12
“Why would I? The scars are just another part of you to admire.”
I rest my head on his chest. “Everyone who has ever seen me in a bikini or some position of the scars showing has always asked and stared. It's like I’m not even there. I’m just the scars on my chest.” I look up at him. “Thank you for seeing me.” He kisses me.
2 hours later we walk back up to the room, dressed in our clothes again and hair dried. I am so shocked no one caught us, no one came looking for me and no one tried to use the pool. We spent the time we had racing each other from one end to the other, splashing each other, and just talking… about everything. It is the best date I could ever ask for, hospital or no hospital. For the last two hours, I’ve had a strong feeling of hope. Something I lose way too often these days. Wes in my life gives me hope. Don’t get me wrong, so does having my mom and dad and sister, but meeting Wes feels like a sign.
I wasn’t meant to meet someone so important, to create such an important relationship in my life, just for the end to come so soon...right?
Chapter Thirty: Bedrest
I lay in bed and relive the words the nurse told me over and over in my head, again and again.
“On bedrest until further notice. Your heart needs a break, it can’t take any more stress.” Nurse Alicia had said the day before. She gave me the same pity eyes everyone else gives me but hers held something more. Understanding. Not about how hard it is to live like this, but how hard it is to be a sick teenager, for your mind to have all this energy but for your body to fail to keep up.
Following the rerun in my head of her words, are my deepest fears.
I caused this.
Swimming was the last string on my heart.
If I had eaten better in my life.
If I had been more careful, homeschooled when the offer came up at age ten.
This is my fault.
“Cherry?” a voice breaks me out of my loop. I look up. My sister is here. I smile. I haven’t seen her in a bit. Hard to believe we’ve been in Florida for two months, but now she's enrolled in school, which started last week. She hasn’t been able to visit.
“Hi, Winnie pooh,” I say breaking out in a real smile. She crawls up next to me. She presses her face next to mine. Her way of kissing my cheek. As a toddler, she didn’t understand kisses so when you kissed her, she would press her face to your cheek. I lean in. “I missed you,” I add.
“I missed you too. Mommy says you aren’t feeling well.” Winnie says. I realize this is how my condition is best described to her. “Is it your heart?” she whispers. I nod. I think Winnie understands more about my condition than she lets on. Maybe she knows my parents cannot handle the stress of a worried sister along with me. This thought makes me sad. Winnie is too young to have to be that mature.
“It will be okay,” Winnie says. “This too shall pass,” she says. I look down at her with a smirk. “What?” she asks, looking up with her big blue eyes.
“Where did you get that phrase?” I ask, remembering it from bible study, I used to go before we moved.
“Sunday school. Mrs. Michelson says it's good to remember in hard times. I said my sister is going through a hard time I think, and she told me to remind you of that phrase.”
“Well thank you, Winnie.” I say, “This too shall pass.” I repeat. It rings in my head. It's true, inevitably, we won’t be stuck in this forever, it's just a matter of where I will be when it ends. Wes’s words follow this thought. Faith, I remind myself. Have faith.
“Want to watch a movie?” Winnie asks.
“Sure, but first, how is school going?” I ask. Winnie makes friends easily but no one escapes the awkwardness of starting a new school, I want to make sure she's okay. I am the sick one but I never want to fail my role of being the older sister, I want to care for Winnie, not the other way around.
“It's good. Charlotte and I will hang out on Friday this week.”
“Charlotte?”
“My new friend!” she sits up a bit as she says this.
Winnie gets attached to people easily. She has a huge heart. Once she loves you that's it, she's there for you, always. She has had friends who have abused this in the past. It's what happens to the most compassionate people. I hope when she's a teenager and starts dating, I can be there to make sure no one uses her kind heart, she deserves the healthiest of love.
“Oh yeah?” I say with a slight grin, I love how excited she gets about new people. Winnie is a ray of sunshine and anyone she meets; she paints like a rainbow in her eyes. She describes people in the most delicate, pure-hearted way. “Tell me about her.”
“We met in class. I was having trouble with my glue, and she helped me fix it. She is really nice, and I like her a lot.” Winnie says with a big smile on her face. I warm to her innocence, painting her first memory of a new friend as a selfless act on their part. She really only sees the best in people.
“And you are hanging out at your house?” I ask.
“No, hers.”
“Oooo exciting.”
“She says she has a pool and that I can swim. She said I can use her new bathing suit. She shares a lot. Mrs. Michelson says that friends who share have good qualities and are good people to be close with.”
“Oh yeah?” I smile as I say this. Mrs. Michelson used to be my Sunday school teacher. I love that she teaches the kids to find valuable friends at a young age. It's something that is way too easy to fail. I think she's the reason I made such good lifelong friends in middle school, or maybe that was God's gift to me, a peace of mind in one area of my life, to make up for the lack of peace in my health.
“Yeah.” Winnie smiles and I silently hope Charolette becomes an important person in her life. She's been burned too many times before.
My mom walks in holding two burgers and fries. I take in the smell and sigh. I miss purely fattening food… not that I could ever eat much before, but now it's so strict I can’t even do my once-a-month happy meal.
“There you are! Winnie, you do not leave mommy like that,” she says with a sigh.
‘What happened?” I ask.
“This little rascal ran off on me while I was in line at the cafeteria.” My mom says teasing, but I can tell she was worried.
“Winnie pooh!” I say looking down at her. She giggles. “Tsk. tsk. You know you aren’t supposed to run off like that!”
“I was excited to see you!” she exclaims. My mom sits in a chair next to us. She reaches into her bag.
“The nurse said you ate lunch, but I got you a chocolate chip cookie, could we split it?” my mom asks.
“Thank you,” I say grabbing it and splitting it. I hand her the half and smile. I wish she could come more often. “So, how's dad doing with job hunting?” My dad hasn’t been able to visit much, and he's felt so bad but I Facetime him and reassure him. He keeps promising once the job hunt is done, he will practically live here with me when he's not at work. I miss him like crazy, but I understand. Right now is the worst time to be out of a job.
“He thinks he found one! He gets the call today!” my mom says with a big smile. I love how proud she is of my dad, always. Their love is so pure.
“Really??” I grab my phone and ring him.
“Hello?” he says.
“Hi, dad!” I am excited to hear his voice.
“Hi, sweetheart! How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. They put me on bed rest.” I say with a pout he can’t see.
“I know Cherry, but it's gonna help in the long run,” he explains with sympathy in his voice. My heart aches at his light patient voice.
“I don’t like being so still, it's so boring,” I complain.
“I understand, but guess what?” he says, I can hear his smile.
“You found a job!” I squeal. “Mom told me! Does that mean you can visit more often?” I cross my fingers as I speak.
“Yup! I will be staying over in the bed your mom brought in this weekend, so tomorrow I’ll come, and I will stay till Monday, my first day of work.” As he says this, I feel something in me relax. I have something to look forward to, something to feel grounded in.
“I can’t wait to see you!” I say to him,
“Ditto,” he responds.
Chapter Thirty-One: Run Down
“Do you have to leave for work tomorrow?” I whine to my dad. It's his last night and we have spent some much-needed father-daughter time together.
“Afraid so, can’t skip my first day.” my dad says with a gentle frown.
“I guess not.” I pout.
“Goodnight sweetheart.” my dad says, leaning over to kiss me on my forehead before going to his bed.
“Goodnight dad. I love you.” I say as I yawn and stretch into my sheets.
“Love you too Cherry.” I hear as I drift off.
The morning my dad leaves for work is one of the sickest days I have had yet. I feel like I am coughing up my actual lungs and my body aches all over.
The nurses have visited more often lately, not a good sign. They would never say it but it's because I am not doing well, and they are clearly worried. This makes me worried. The morning my dad leaves is the same day Wes can visit. He hasn’t been able to spend more than evenings lately, having to go to school and keep up with homework, but today school is closed, and he has chosen to spend the day. I love him so much for this. Not many people would take their day off school to be in a hospital. I didn’t get to see him much last week, he’s been busier lately, I assume finals are coming up, so I am excited to get a day with him. Angela says I should tell him I love him, that this is just another sign he clearly loves me. I’m scared to tell him. So I use my actions to convey what I can’t get out with words. Today I have a card made for him. A poem I wrote for him lies between the folds. It's not much but I’ve loved literature my whole life. I am hoping he will know at least a bit about how I feel, by my use of literature to convey it.
An hour after my dad leaves, Wes walks in. He smiles the second his feet pass the doorway. Dimples and all.
“Hello Cher-bear,” he says, using his nickname for me. He pulls me into a light hug, sets back, and sits at the edge of my bed next to me. I scoot up and to the side, patting the place next to me. Something I’ve never done. He raises an eyebrow. “Is that allowed?” he asks.
“I don’t think they care,” I say.
Truthfully, when you are dying, the nurses give less of a shit about small things like if your boyfriend is sitting on your bed. It's the least they can do when I can’t even leave the room.
Wes sits next to me and puts his arm around me. He feels tense.
“It seriously doesn’t matter to them, Wes,” I say with a laugh. He calms down, his legs stretch out next to mine. I lean my head on his shoulder and put a leg over one of his.
“So where are the parents?” he asks.
“Not coming till later. Winnie has a school thing, and my dad has work.”
“He got a job?’ Wes asks with a big smile on his face. I realize I never told him, which is unlike me. They have been giving me more pain meds lately, they make me spacy.
“Yes! I’m so sorry, I thought I told you. My head has been spacy lately, they have me on different pain meds.” I explain. He leans in and kisses me gently. When he pulls away his eyes look very sad for a split second, but it goes away instantly.
“What's wrong?” he asks. I realize I look puzzled.
“You seem sad… is everything okay?” I ask.
“I’m okay,” he says. I feel for a second like he isn’t telling the truth. “Cherry love, all is good. I’m with you, what could be better?” he says, giving me a dimpled smile. I decide to let it go.
“Okay,” I say, smiling back. “Hey, Wes?”
“Yeah?”
“I…” I realize I want to say it, but I’m too scared. “I just, really really care about you. I want you to know that. You mean so much to me.”
“You do too, Cher-bear.” He kisses my forehead, my head rests on his chest.
An hour later we are halfway through a movie. My favorite. Ten Things I Hate About You. We are at the part where Kat is drunk and on the swing with Patrick.
“You know, I had a crush on Kat as a kid,” Wes says. I lift my head from his chest and look up at him, smiling.
“You’ve seen this before?”
“Many times.” his dimples are out now, as he smiles down at me.
“Why didn’t you say something? I don’t want to bore you-” I start.
“Cherry, I will never be bored watching that twinkle in your eye.”
“Twinkle?”
“You get it when you get excited and happy, you have it now watching this movie, makes sense since it is your favorite movie. I love just watching you happy. So no, I am not bored, and honestly, we could be watching paint dry and because it's with you, I wouldn’t be bored.” My eyes well up as he speaks. He is too perfect.
“Wes, I don’t even know what to say, you speak what my heart feels for you, I want you to know that. I wouldn’t even get bored watching golf with you.” I say with a gentle laugh at the end.
“That honestly trumps my paint drying statement.” he laughs with me and then we just look at each other. We lean in and kiss, passionately. When we pull away and look back at the TV, we see that Kat and Patrick are kissing too.
“I had a crush on Patrick as a kid,” I say.
“Well, I’ve found my Kat, no need for the fictional crush,” Wes says with a smile. I can feel his heartbeat against my head. There is no better sound.
“I’ve found my Patrick,” I reply. I hated cheesy before Wes but now I get it. I’ve found someone who makes me feel all the cheesy things people say. How could I not profess it?
“You haven’t coughed since I came,” Wes says suddenly.
“My nurses say that I will feel fewer physical symptoms when I am not stressed. I guess the peace and relaxation temporarily distracts. I feel most relaxed with you, so it makes sense that I am less sick.” I explain.
“That was such a scientific response.” Wes teases.
“I always loved the science of things.”
“Oh yeah?”
“I wanted to be a nurse when I got older.”
“Wanted?”
“I guess… if I get this heart I can be. Before I was told I was too sick to do it. If I get this heart they say I can live a relatively long normal life span, my biggest worries will be based on not rejecting, instead of heart failure. That is if I survive the surgery.”
Wes looks at me for a bit. A smile in his eyes.
“You would be the best nurse on the whole planet,” he says quietly, almost in my ear. I blush.
“I don’t know about the whole planet.” I object.
“The whole planet. No one else will be as patient and kind as you. On top of that, who understands the life of a patient and how to handle them more than someone who has quite literally been in their shoes?” his eyes light up as he speaks.
I love when his eyes light up.
I never doubted Wes’s authenticity but at this, I realize he never elaborates to flatter me, he elaborates because that's how passionate he feels.
“I guess so,” I say shyly.
“I know so,” he says.
I smile. He continues.
“Promise me if you get this transplant, you will pursue your dream.”
“I promise if I survive the surgery-”
“When. We don’t doubt in this house, lack of hope gets us nowhere,” he says interrupting with a smile.
“We aren’t in a house.”
“I feel at home with you alas I am in a house.”
This stops my end of the bantering for a second. I smile and lean into him more. “I feel most at home with you, Wes.”
He kisses my forehead in response. We are silent for a second.
“Alas?” I say.
“It's the books I’ve been reading.”
“Ah.” I nod.
“Now say it,” he says.
“When I survive the surgery, I promise to pursue my dream. With you by my side.” I add.
He gives me a smile that seems almost sad and then he leans in and whispers in my ear.
“You were made to inspire others with your story. I believe that. I believe in you, and I have faith in your happy ever after.”
I respond by leaning in and kissing him, it’s a long one, one I hope says the words I just can’t seem to get out.
I love you.
Chapter Thirty-Two: Voyage A` Paris
You make me smile,
You make me laugh,
When I was down,
On my last breath,
I met you,
Not a moment too soon,
You breathed life in me,
And flowers bloomed.
You make me smile,
You make me laugh,
You give me hope,
I know will last.
As Long As I,
Spend my days with you,
I know the flowers,
Will continue to bloom.
I’ve never seen Wes cry. He is now. I don’t know what to say. Maybe the poem is that bad? Maybe it is actually good? I stare at him with worried eyes. He wipes his eyes and looks up at me. I must show the worry on my whole face because he pulls me in.
“These are happy tears,” he says.
“You like the poem?” I ask.
“I love it.” He pulls me into a hug and holds me. “I feel exactly the same,” he whispers so quietly I almost miss it. My heart settles, and I suddenly know he feels the same way. Instead of saying the inevitable words we just hold each other, listening to our hearts.
We pull away and after just looking at each other for a bit he looks down to his phone to check the time.
“Do you have to go?” I ask, hoping that he has time.
“I have a few more hours. It's six and I can stay until ten.” he smiles.
I settle into him again. “I’m sorry we can’t go anywhere but this stupid room.”
“It's okay. You will never see me complaining about getting to spend a day with you alone and watching movies, that is literally… paradise.”
