Coffee sonata, p.24
Coffee Sonata, page 24
“What do you mean, shy?”
“You have to take a breath or two before you talk to people, don’t you? Even if you’d never let it show.”
Manon closed her eyes for a second. “Yes. You’re right.”
“Nothing wrong with that. It’s part of your complex, wonderful personality.” Eryn leaned forward. “And I’m going to kiss you now, if that’s okay. I won’t make love to you in the limo, because that’s a little too unromantic for a first time. I’ll save that for a nice warm bed.”
Manon held her breath, unable to object even if she’d wanted to. When Eryn brushed her lips along Manon’s, Manon let Eryn’s tongue in. The slow, deep kiss was sensual in a way she could never have anticipated. Eryn cupped both her cheeks and tilted Manon’s head slightly, then examined every part of her mouth and kissed her senseless.
Manon parted her lips and gave as much as she was given, took as much as she was offered. Eryn’s tongue caressed and teased Manon’s tongue, coaxed it to play with hers. Eryn tasted of strawberries, or apples, which aroused Manon and left her breathless, moisture growing between her legs.
She moved restlessly in Eryn’s arms and bit down gently on the greedy lips that kissed her. Eryn’s gasp of pleasure into Manon’s mouth only fueled her fire.
The car jerked forward. Eryn ended the kiss, and Manon let her head fall on Eryn’s shoulder. Content to just sit there, they rode in silence all the way home. For now, this was enough.
*
Mike stirred in her sleep and woke up with her heart pounding fast and hard. “No!” she called out, uncertain where she was. “Please. No.”
“Cara?” a sleepy voice next to her murmured, and then a naked arm pulled her back down. “Come here. Did you have a bad dream?”
“I…can’t remember.” But Mike knew exactly what the dream had been about. She’d had it before and it had been worse than ever.
“I think you can. Why not tell me?”
Mike really didn’t want to. She didn’t believe that everything you brought out into the daylight lost its power over you. Some things belonged in the shadows and should stay there.
“You said, ‘No, please, no’ and sounded like you were about to cry. You sounded, I don’t know, very young.” Vivian sounded more alert now.
“Perhaps.”
“Were you a child in the dream?”
Surrendering to the tender voice and the loving embrace, Mike sighed and nodded against Vivian’s neck. “Yes. I’m in a car and they’re driving me away. They’re taking me from my father and he’s not”—the words stuck in Mike’s throat—“he doesn’t even try to stop them.”
“Go on.”
“It stops there. Sometimes I have the dream several times in one night until I give up and go running.”
“How many times did this happen to you? Moving you from place to place?”
“I was in and out of nine foster homes, starting when I was eight. When I was fifteen I ran away.”
“At fifteen? Where did you go?”
“To Providence. A lot of people don’t want to admit we have homeless people and street kids in good old New England, but it’s true. I lived in shelters, lying about my name and my age, for years.”
“And then what happened? How did you go back to school and get a business degree?”
“I came out of a long, abusive relationship.” Mike curled up in a small knot. “I lived with Brenda for more than three years, until I was twenty-one. She was hard to live with, but I thought she loved me, so I kept trying to adapt.”
“And she used that.”
“Yes. She said jump—I asked how high. ”
A long silence became even longer as they both waited for the other one to speak. Eventually Vivian cleared her voice. “I’m sorry you’re having such difficult nights sometimes. I hope being with me, right now, doesn’t make it worse.”
“Truthfully, it may, but I’m used to these dreams. They stop bothering me as soon as I wake up.”
Vivian held on tighter to Mike and kissed the top of her head. “I’m not entirely convinced.”
Mike felt Vivian’s hand move slowly up and down her back. The touch soothed her, and her eyelids became heavy again. “You’re here to comfort me,” she murmured. “That counts for a lot.”
“I hope so, darling.” Vivian spoke with her lips against Mike’s hair. “Just close your eyes and let me hold you. I’m sorry you had such a rough childhood. It breaks my heart to think you were all alone, with nobody to speak for you. But you’re not alone now. If you have more nightmares, I’ll be here.” Vivian pressed her lips to Mike’s temple.
For how long? Until you’ve explored what I have to offer and decide you’ve had enough? The dark thoughts frightened Mike, and she pushed them out of her head. Vivian wasn’t the calculating type. She was warmhearted and fair. Protective, even. She’d never willingly put Mike’s feelings on the line.
I do that so well myself. I went from one impossible relationship to another, with almost a decade in between. Mike drew a deep breath and pressed her forehead into Vivian’s shoulder. She needed to say something, something that was so hard to utter, bile rose in her throat before she could swallow again. “Vivian?”
“Yes, cara.”
“Please, just don’t leave me without some sort of sign first?” Mike was afraid that Vivian would pretend not to understand.
“I won’t. My offer to remain a friend still stands. For now, I’m here, but we can’t be lovers much longer because it’s not fair to you. I’ll always be your friend, I promise you that.”
Unshed tears stung Mike’s eyes. “You know I can’t do that. We could have settled for friendship if we’d never started having sex.”
“It was never just about sex.” Vivian’s voice had a catch in it, and Mike realized she wasn’t as distant as she feared.
“Never,” Mike agreed, and placed a kiss on Vivian’s shoulder. And for me, it never will be.
Vivian placed a finger under Mike’s chin and tipped her head back. “God, Mike, you wring my heart. I’ve made my decision, and you’re making it hard to stick by it. Don’t…please?”
How she pleads with me. How she uses her beautiful voice to soothe me and be the one who calls the shots. It’s your way or the highway, isn’t it, Vivi? Mike clenched her teeth so hard that a taste of iron permeated her mouth. “Don’t worry,” she replied in a hollow voice. “I won’t.” And there I go again. Protecting her, from me.
Chapter Twenty-One
Vivian stood among her friends in Mike’s home, her eyes closed as they played their instruments, and let the shimmering tones flow through her. Eryn’s guitar hit crystal-clear notes that sliced through the air and whirled around Vivian as if coaxing her to follow them.
She let her well-trained voice tell the story of her bewildered heart. Simultaneously, Manon’s hands engaged the digital piano, thundering and vibrant, to help support Vivian. Liberated from the constraint of words, Vivian reached new heights and new depths. She shivered, amazed at her heartrending sound, almost too personal to bear.
Vivian slowly turned under the bright lights by the little podium where Mike kept her drum set. The warm light made it possible to distinguish the outline of Mike’s face. Mike kept a suggestive low beat going, allowing Eryn and Vivian to compete. Vivian turned toward the guitarist, who to her dimmed vision looked like a wild fairy with her red hair loose around her shoulders. The light was also good enough for Vivian to see the rapid movements of Eryn’s hands over the strings. Vivian operated purely by instinct, and as the music built toward a crescendo, she walked slowly over to Eryn and placed her hand on her right shoulder.
Eryn raised the neck of her guitar and leaned toward Vivian. Low notes teased, escalated, withdrew again, and then, finally, chased Vivian’s voice over the precipice. The instruments all supported her as she tumbled down, and Vivian felt as if they were cradling her voice.
Slowly the music faded. Vivian was a little out of breath and remained with her hand on Eryn’s shoulder in the complete silence, the music still ringing in her ears.
“Damn,” Eryn sighed. “So, as I suspected, it wasn’t a one-shot thing. Today was even better, don’t you agree?”
“Yes,” Manon said, as she rose and joined them. “I was afraid that we’d be really bad.” She circled Vivian’s waist and squeezed her gently. “I’m glad we weren’t.”
“Are you kidding?” Eryn laughed. “We’re really on to something. Mike, I don’t know how you beat that sound out of your drums, but it was brilliant.”
“I’ll be damned if I know. I listen to you guys and let my hands do the work. All I have to do is pay attention.”
“Sounds like you’ve trained for years.” Vivian was proud of the fact that Mike had developed a remarkable skill on the drums intended as an outlet for her turbulent feelings.
“Thank you. I just play.”
“I know, cara.” Vivian didn’t care if Manon and Eryn saw, but leaned forward and kissed Mike’s cheek carefully. She was really bad at judging distances now, and even if she was careful, walking Perry and Mason had become nearly impossible.
“You make a lovely couple,” Eryn said, with joy in her voice. “You suit each other. What do you think, Manon?”
After a brief silence Manon answered. “I agree. It’s pretty obvious how you feel. You complement each other well.”
“I’m glad you think so. I’m happy as long as Mike will have me.”
“Vivian.” Mike sounded friendly but cautious.
“Mike is the faithful, dedicated kind,” said Eryn. “She won’t give up on you, whatever happens.”
Vivian’s lips became rigid. It was hard to talk about their situation, but she thought it was time to enlighten their friends. “She’ll have to. I’m not in this for the long haul. I merely came to do the charity concert before I retire. You’ve guessed that my eyesight isn’t what it’s been? You’re correct. I’m going blind, and at best I can look forward to distinguishing the difference between dark and light. Perhaps the outline of a figure.”
“Vivian.” Manon sighed. “I knew it was bad, but…I’m sorry.” She put an arm around Vivian’s back. “It doesn’t have to affect your work, though. Your voice is intact and better than ever.”
“I won’t be performing after the charity event.” Vivian shivered. Can’t they understand? No, perhaps not. The mist around her became denser, and she pulled back from their touch.
“What you’re going through is terrible, Vivian,” Eryn said, “but there are other blind opera singers and other performers. Andrea Bocelli, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, and José Feliciano. Their audiences love them.”
“There’s a difference!” Vivian lashed out, her emotions surging. “You don’t understand.” With her quivering hands stretched out before her, she turned her back on the other three and walked toward Mike’s kitchen.
“Vivi, wait.” Mike caught up with her and took her gently by her elbow. “Make us understand. Please. We’re your friends. Tell us.”
It was almost impossible to resist Mike’s low, pleading voice. The hold on her elbow felt loving, not constraining. “Let me go,” Vivian demanded, but even she didn’t think she sounded convincing.
“No. I don’t want to. You set up those rules, but I never said I wouldn’t fight them. You haven’t figured me out yet, have you?” Mike sounded kind but also unyielding. “Unless you can tell me that I mean nothing to you and really mean it, or that our night together wasn’t what you expected—”
“Stop it! I told you. You don’t understand.”
“Try me. Try us.”
“She’s right.” Eryn joined them. “Let’s sit down.”
Vivian walked over to the couch and sat down in the far corner, and she did indeed feel cornered. I’m not prepared to dissect how I feel out loud. “The progress of the condition I have, Leber’s hereditary optic neuropathy, is rather gloomy. There’s no cure. The pain will slowly go away, but…” At a loss for words, Vivian shrugged.
“Why couldn’t you do concerts? Special television performances?” Manon asked as the others took their seats. “You’re the most popular opera singer since Maria Callas among fans outside the opera world. Among the opera enthusiasts, I think it’s a tie between you and Cecilia Bartoli.”
“I’ve made up my mind.” Vivian clung to her arguments. “It’s hard enough to perform without having to stumble through, unable to read the music or see the conductor, the audience…anybody.”
“I appreciate that this might pose a problem, but just look at our jam sessions,” Eryn said. “You have incredible timing and, most likely, perfect pitch. That means you can eventually make reading the music redundant. And as for the audience—standing in the limelight, you don’t see them anyway. You sense them.”
Vivian tried to remember what she meant to say. Stressed by her friends’ arguments, she clasped her hands on her lap. “You said it yourself. I was the best, I owned my audience, and they ate out of my hand. No way will I settle for a less than perfect performance just so I can stay in the limelight.” She almost hissed the last sentence.
“No one would ask you to do that,” Manon murmured, and leaned her head against Vivian’s shoulder. “But there are other ways—”
“Not for me. I intend to make a quick, clean break.”
“And that’s how you plan to cut me off?”
Vivian faltered at Mike’s words. Her eyes stung, she didn’t know whether because of their discussion or her condition.
“This is how you reason, isn’t it, Vivi?” Mike spoke almost inaudibly. “This is how you see our relationship, something of a last chance, a last try, before you isolate yourself because, in your own opinion, you’re damaged!” Mike took hold of Vivian’s upper arm and almost shook her. “Don’t you see? We’re all a little bit defective. We’re not losing our sight, but other things in our lives make us less than perfect…nobody’s perfect.”
“You are.” Vivian spoke the truth as she saw it.
“Manon, why don’t we go make some coffee?” Eryn said quietly.
“Good idea. I could use a cup.”
Vivian felt the two women get up from the couch and heard them leave the room. As if Manon and Eryn had provided a shelter from Mike’s unleashed emotions, Vivian pressed harder against the backrest.
“I’m not even close to perfect,” Mike replied. She moved closer and pressed her lips behind Vivian’s ear and sobbed. “I’m more damaged than you can imagine. Damn it, I’m a pitiful excuse of a woman who can’t fall asleep if I don’t sing lullabies to myself! Maybe that’s why you’re breaking up before we really get started.”
*
Mike’s heart pounded, and each contraction sent ice and hot blood in a strange mix through her veins. The pain was unbelievable and she blamed no one but herself. I did this a second time. I had promised myself, and yet here I am…about to have my heart torn out and shredded.
Vivian turned so quickly toward Mike that she accidentally bumped into her shoulder and arm. “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you? Stupid question. Of course I did.” Vivian’s face became as pale as her hair. “What can I say to make it better?”
“You can tell me that you’re not leaving me just because you’re battling a disability.”
“You can’t possibly want to stay with a blind, middle-aged woman.”
“You tell me that like it’s a fact of life! Damn it, Vivian. I can certainly decide who I want to be with. It’s not your job to protect me!”
“I can’t help it! We’re heading for disaster if I encourage you to stay.” Vivian gestured vaguely.
Mike considered Vivian’s words. She seems so tired. And yet, for a moment during the jam session, Vivian had been invigorated and vibrant. Her voice had gone from angelic to earthy and raw. You were marvelous. “You don’t paint a very flattering picture of me.” She placed her hand on top of Vivian’s. “If I were going blind or deaf, or became paralyzed…would you still want to be with me?”
“Of course, I would. That’s different—”
“No, it isn’t, prima donna!” Mike lowered her voice further, licking her lips. “Your attitude is so damn arrogant.”
“How dare…” Vivian hastily flung her hands in the air, then slumped back, looking tired and empty. “Am I that horrible?”
“No, you’re wonderful. Just afraid, I think.” Mike coughed to clear her throat from threatening tears, afraid that she might have to live alone forever.
“But you’re right. I am arrogant, in a way.” Vivian folded her arms across her chest. “It’s reality, though. You’re not going blind. I am. You’re young, with a future, and my future is…”
“…is different than you imagined it’d be, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”
Something in Vivian’s attitude told Mike she had only this one opportunity to try and convince her; otherwise she’d lose her. “You’ll need help, that’s true, but you’ll be able to perform. You’ll just have to sing in different settings. You have so much to offer, and it would be such a waste if you threw that away. Please, Vivi, don’t you understand? I need you.” Her voice sank to a broken murmur. “I’ve never told anyone that before. Ever.”
Vivian sat in silence for a moment, her beautiful blue eyes locked a fraction of an inch below Mike’s. “Why?”
It was a question Mike had dreaded, and her insides knotted. No words would come. Desperate, Mike whimpered and hid her face in Vivian’s neck. The satin skin, together with the fresh scent of citrus and sandalwood, comforted her. “I need you. You make me feel safe, sometimes. The way I feel about you scares me, but…I can’t let you go. I can’t.”
“Cara—”
“Am I? Or is that a word you use for many other people?”
“No, no. You are my only dearest one.” Vivian sounded different. “I never imagined I would feel like I do, since I’ve always kept people at a distance. You slipped in under my radar.” She hugged Mike closer. “If I wasn’t ill, or about to need help with so many things that I’d tie you down…when you deserve so much more, I’d reason differently.”
