Toward dawning light, p.15
Toward Dawning Light, page 15
“Come here,” Astrea said, motioning for them all to sit on the uncomfortable benches near the cabin’s rear windows.
Marko shook his head. “Gotta help Adi.”
“Let me at least stop the bleeding,” she said. The cuts on his face oozed blood, nothing deadly, but they didn’t need him bleeding all over the instruments he might need to help fix.
With a sigh, Marko nodded. Astrea met him where he was still near the door, then gently set her hands on his face right near his ears.
“Your hands are freezing,” he hissed, almost flinching away.
“Sorry.” Astrea didn’t really know what to do about that. Instead, she pulled on the stubborn trickle of magic right under her skin. It seemed to almost whine as it sparked to life, as if it were tired just like her. Her palms glowed, and then the dance of mirror healing and pain began on her cheeks. Marko’s wounds healed over, freshly pink and smooth. “There. Go help.”
He didn’t even thank her as he hustled over to where Adi was checking all the controls in the cockpit.
Zephyrine swept into the ship, then wordlessly opened the floor hatch that would take her down to the engines. Astrea shook her head and approached the twins.
“What’s hurt?” she asked.
“My ankle,” Lennor said, “and all the cuts.”
Astrea knelt on the metal floor, suddenly very grateful for the thin lining of padding Adi had thought to put into the knees of her leggings. “What happened out there?”
“The Zaikudi,” Lennor said as she began unlacing her left boot. Astrea helped her pull it off, revealing a swollen ankle.
“You already heard Marko complain about my hands,” Astrea said, and Lennor actually laughed.
“It’s fine. Just do it.” As Astrea set her hands on Lennor’s ankle and pulled on her healing again, Lennor said, “It wasn’t a big group of them, but they were armed with bombs. I think they were going to try to destroy the cliffside.”
“That seems excessive,” Astrea said through gritted teeth. As the pain in her ankle ebbed away, she forced herself onto the bench next to Lennor and began healing the small cuts all over her soot-covered face. “Were they there for us?”
“Not sure,” said the Tempest.
By the time Astrea finished healing Lennor’s cuts and Civan’s wrist, which he’d twisted pretty badly, the other four had returned and seemed satisfied that the ship hadn’t been tampered with in any meaningful way. Marko even got them up in the air and headed back for civilization. The ship’s movement made Astrea’s head swim, or maybe it was all the magic she’d used on very little sleep.
“Why would a Zaikudi squad that small try to attack us?” Adi asked, his attention fixed on Zephyrine. “It seems foolish.”
“Maybe to try to figure out how strong our defenses are?” The general shrugged. “Or try to cause trouble on Nazarov’s behalf.”
Anything was possible, Astrea supposed, but it still seemed foolish. Like Adi said, such a small group of Zaikudi soldiers really didn’t stand a chance against the group five times that size at the fortress.
The last glow of starlight faded as Astrea pulled her hand away from Civan’s cheek. His skin was smooth again, slightly red compared to his otherwise tan complexion. That would settle shortly as the freshly healed area calmed down.
He gave her a small smile. “Thank you.”
She nodded. All things considered, they were lucky there hadn’t been more serious injuries. So very, very lucky.
And skies, was Astrea exhausted now. She slumped against the bench, then lay down on her side. Too much. She’d done too much. Used amounts of magic that wouldn’t usually do this to her. Yet here she was, unable to sit upright.
The conversation continued, but Astrea couldn’t focus. Jin said something about Talmaris, then Zephyrine replied. Their words were jumbled, static in Astrea’s mind. Her vision blurred before she shut her eyes.
She just needed a moment . . .
Chapter 16
Low light pushed against Astrea’s eyelids. She rolled over, burying her face in something soft. Warm. Comforting. It was all she wanted, to keep lying there, to keep her face turned away from those lights.
But nature called. With a groan, she pushed up. She was back in her bed in Talmaris. The lamp on the floor in the far corner was on. But Jin’s side of the bed was empty.
Her heart sank.
Why wouldn’t he just talk to her? Didn’t he know she’d have a thousand questions when she woke up? Like how long they’d been back in the capital, how the team was faring, if Lucian had made it back alright, if they knew the status of the Novarian troops up north.
The clock on the bedside table said it was nearing three in the morning. They couldn’t have been back for that long, then, unless she’d been sleeping for nearly a full day. The last thing she remembered was drifting off to sleep on the flight back.
She went to get up, but a small white rectangle caught her sleepy eyes. There, set neatly in one corner of the bedside table, was a small piece of paper.
Downstairs with Veiko and Ellie. Be back soon.
- J
Blinking a couple of times, Astrea reread Jin’s neat handwriting. At least he’d left a note, even if she would’ve rather woken up with him there. It was the most he’d “said” to her since their ridiculous argument.
With a quiet groan, Astrea set the note back down and pushed out of bed. After using the facilities, she passed by the shower, finding its floor wet. Jin must have cleaned up.
She padded over to the sink and turned the water on. Her reflection looked exhausted, completely overwhelmed. Dark circles tinged the skin under her eyes. Her hair was a frizzy mess. And skies, how her muscles and bones ached. It was like she’d been run over by a streetcar.
She grabbed her hairbrush off the counter; Jin must have unpacked before he went to find Veiko and his sister. All of their things were set out neatly, as they always were. She wasn’t even in her armor anymore but one of Jin’s shirts.
After brushing her hair and securing it in a braid, she shed the shirt and started to draw a bath. Maybe a bath at three in the morning wasn’t practical, but she didn’t have the energy to heal herself, and she couldn’t get back into bed when her body ached like this. Especially not when she could still feel dirt and sweat sticking to her skin.
When the bath was filled, she slipped into the tub, relishing the warm water as it cradled her exhausted body. Exhausted from so much. Her father. The search for Theo. Losing Saros. Cressida’s pain. This strange situation with Jin.
She scrubbed herself clean with a washcloth and a brand-new bar of peppermint soap she’d found on the vanity. Some palace maid must have come by and set everything up during their absence. Peppermint wasn’t usually Astrea’s first choice, but it smelled nice.
Once clean, she sank lower in the tub and rested her head against the back edge. Would she ever get to go back home to Kalama? Would they really be able to figure out where Nazarov was searching for new aetherium sources? Would Cressida ever feel like herself again? Would Astrea?
“Az?”
Astrea startled so hard at the sound of Jin’s voice that water sloshed over the sides of the tub. “Skies,” she whispered, trying to reorient herself.
Jin stood right inside the doorway. Fatigue rolled off him in waves, threatening to knock Astrea over. She pulled her barrier back little by little, not so much that she felt like she would suffocate but enough to give her a reprieve. His golden eyes were tired, half-closed already, and his curly hair was damp and slightly mussed, as if he’d been running his hands through it again and again.
“Why are you in the bath?” he asked.
“My body hurts.”
“Did you get hurt?” he asked, stepping closer. “During the fight?”
“No, I’m just tired.”
He pressed his lips together, then went to the small closet tucked in one corner. After pulling out two large, clean blue towels, he returned and motioned with his head for her to climb out. The water had started getting cold anyway, so Astrea unplugged the drain and stood. Jin helped her out, then he wrapped one of the towels around her and draped the other over the edge of the tub.
And then he turned and walked back toward their bedroom door.
Astrea ground her teeth together. Maybe now wasn’t the time, but was he ever going to talk to her? Really talk?
“Jin?” she asked, pulling her towel tighter around herself.
Pausing at the threshold, Jin set his hand on the door’s trim and asked, “Yeah?”
“We need to talk. About our argument.”
His shoulders rolled forward before he turned around. His mouth opened, then shut again.
“What?” she asked, voice cracking. There he was, just feet from her, and yet he felt miles away. Like he was on the other side of a chasm with no bridge. Why did this feel so impossibly hard? Why did every single thing have to weigh on her so heavily, when a month ago, she would’ve had little trouble working this out with him?
He ran a hand through his hair, messing the curls up even more. “I’m afraid that what I say is just going to make you even more angry.”
“I won’t get angry.”
“You’d have every right to. I’ve been an ass. A complete and utter ass, and I’m still being one. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me right now.”
“It’s hard for me, too.”
“Which is part of why I feel so bad. I’m your husband, your partner. I shouldn’t be making things harder on you.”
“We won’t always get this perfectly right,” she whispered. “I think we do a good job most days, not making each other’s lives harder.”
A hint of a smile tugged at his mouth. “I like to think so.”
Astrea pulled her towel even tighter around herself. “I know these last few weeks have been really hard,” she said. “I’m . . . I’m too much like Saros for my own good.” Her voice cracked on her uncle’s name, and unshed tears pricked at her eyes. “I get stubborn and avoid things, just like he always did. And you—”
“And I need to accept that I can’t protect you from everything,” Jin said quietly. “Adi’s basically yelled at me twice now about it. As he should. I’ve been an ass.”
“I don’t think wanting to keep me safe makes you an ass.”
“No, but not talking to you does.”
She shrugged. “It certainly supports your case.”
He chuckled, the first time she’d heard his laugh in . . . she didn’t even know how long. And skies, was it like music to her ears.
But Jin sobered quickly, leaning against the doorway as he said, “We’d been doing so well, or I think so. Until this. And that’s my fault.”
“It’s not like I exactly tried to listen to your perspective that day either,” Astrea said. “We could have both handled it better.”
“I just hate seeing you sad, Az,” he said, face softening. “I hate it. I’ve always hated it, even when we were kids. I know I can’t protect you from everything, but skies, it’s like it’s written into my soul that I have to try. Overriding that instinct is impossible some days. Leaving you be felt like the only way to give you any peace.”
Fresh tears spilled down Astrea’s cheeks. In a few long strides, Jin closed the distance between them, using his thumbs to wipe away her tears.
“Tell me how to make it up to you,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against hers. Warm sunshine and cold regret warred on her skin. “Please, tell me how to make you stop hurting.”
Pulling away, Astrea searched his tired face for one heartbeat, two. Then she pushed up on her toes, pulling his face down to meet her halfway. Her lips brushed his, then he pressed in, desperate, hungry. She opened her mouth to him, finding he tasted like malty tea.
Jin hoisted her up in his arms, only breaking their kiss as he started carrying her toward the door. Astrea kissed down his bearded cheeks, then his throat. His pulse hammered under her lips as she sucked on the skin there, and he let out a groan.
She needed him, needed all of him, but she was just so exhausted. And it seemed he was, too. Even though raspberry lust burned the air around him, he set her near the middle of the bed and walked over to the wardrobe. He pulled out fresh clothes for her.
“What, no makeup sex?” she asked half-heartedly.
Jin let out a tired laugh, those beautiful golden eyes of his filled with so much love. “If I wasn’t dead on my feet,” he said, “I’d have you all night.”
As she fumbled with the bloomers and nightgown he’d passed to her, Jin took them back and helped her into them. Cool midnight air prickled her skin. He kicked off his shoes and trousers, then shucked off his shirt and abandoned them all on the floor as he climbed into bed with her.
Jin tugged her down and pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry, Az,” he murmured into her neck. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.” She dragged her fingers through his hair as she repeated her words again and again. “I’m sorry, too.”
And she was sorry. Sorry for not listening to him. For not trying to have a conversation with him sooner. For falling back into her old habits, for letting that lethal blend of hesitation and stubbornness get in the way. What if he’d died earlier that night, gotten seriously hurt by the Zaikudi? Then what? Or what if she had? They weren’t promised tomorrow. They weren’t promised anything. They needed to remember that, needed to live like every day might be their last together. Needed to make sure they said what they needed to say, that they came together to fight their problems instead of pushing against each other.
“I love you,” he whispered. “I love you so much, Az.”
“I love you, too.” She barely choked out the words as tears built behind her eyes and in her throat. Her fingers brushed the faded shadowy mark where he’d been hit by aetherium. “I love you.”
Astrea let her eyes drift shut as she curled up against Jin. His heart thumped steadily under her ear. He was alive.
They both were. And they were both there, talking—and more. And talking felt far, far better than drifting apart for even a few moments.
“I don’t like fighting,” Jin said as his fingers tangled in the hair at the nape of her neck. “I don’t like it at all.”
“Me either,” Astrea said. “I know you want what’s best for me . . . and I don’t always know what that is. Lucian, of all people, proved that to me yesterday.”
A hesitant laugh rumbled in Jin’s chest. “Lucian?”
“He ordered me to take a couple of days off. Said he can see my pain very clearly, that I haven’t begun to process it. And I think he’s right. About that and that you need some time off, too.”
“Lucian, of all people, giving good advice, and me, of all people, agreeing with him,” Jin mused. “I know grieving probably feels impossible right now, but there’s no right time for it. It just needs to happen.”
“I know.” She pressed closer to him. “You know Saros’s death isn’t your fault, right? That Cress’s injury isn’t your fault? We had to go with you to try to convince the council.”
“I know. It doesn’t feel that way, but I know you’re right. I just can’t help but think . . . well, was it a mistake? Should we have tried something else to convince them of my—our—loyalty?”
“What else could we even have done?”
“I’m not sure.” Jin let out a long, heavy sigh. “Or should I have used my magic that day? Really used it, like Lucian wanted me to?”
“There was too much chaos,” Astrea said. “I don’t think it would have helped. It could have hurt the team, and we still would’ve had to carry you out of there.”
He sighed again. “What’s done is done.”
“We have to move forward,” Astrea said. “Together, like we always have.”
“Together.” He kissed her forehead. “Always.”
Chapter 17
Curling up with Jin was everything Astrea had missed these last weeks. A soft bed, her warm husband, her barrier pulled in so she could feel only him.
It was exactly where she wanted—needed—to be even as some tiny voice in the back of her mind begged her to climb out of bed and get to work.
No, she would not. Not when Commander Lucian had everything under control. Not when he was right, that she and Jin needed time to breathe and process all that had happened. She hated admitting he was right in the first place, but ignoring his advice would only prove his point further, and she simply refused to do that.
Jin’s chest rose and fell steadily under her cheek. One arm circled her, keeping her close. His hand rested on the curve of her hip. Astrea was practically on top of him, but he never minded that. With one finger, she traced the faint hint of shadow lingering on his shoulder. She hated it, that there was this reminder of what had happened.
He stirred. His hand drifted from her hip down to her ass, then up her back and to her hair. “What time is it?” he asked, voice heavy with sleep. His eyes didn’t even open.
“Eight.”
“How long have you been awake?”
“Only an hour.” She’d only managed to sleep for a few hours after their talk.
With a gentle hand, Jin pushed her head down so he could kiss her temple. “Sleep.”
She settled against him, willing her body to relax. His fingers explored her back, his touch so light it almost tickled.
“I missed you,” she whispered.
“Let’s agree to never fight again.”
“Deal.”
A quiet knock sounded out in the sitting room. Though they may have agreed that they needed a break from everything, it seemed the rest of the world wasn’t willing to wait on them. Of course it wasn’t.
Jin groaned. “Fuck me.” He rolled over so Astrea was on her back. “Stay here.”
As he left the bed, tugged on his pants, and headed for their door, Astrea sat up and pulled the blankets tighter around herself. Without Jin, she was freezing. Letting her barrier loosen, she was immediately rewarded with breezy surprise dancing over her skin. Just what she needed with the cold morning air.
