He pushes me into the soft mattress. I feel every line of him, every shuddering breath he takes, every pulse of his heart against my own. His touch is electric, searing my skin and leaving a scorching trail in its wake.

  His lips are everywhere—on my mouth, my neck, my breasts—branding me with their heat.

  “Jason,” I gasp.

  He meets my gaze, his eyes vulnerable but also unreadable.

  “I love you,” he rasps out.

  He’s inside me, still thrusting, thrusting, thrusting…

  But the words…

  I love you.

  Does he even know he said them? Or is he thinking about his wife? About Lindsay?

  My heart clenches, and for a moment I can’t breathe.

  Surely he knows what he said.

  Surely he loves me.

  Angie.

  And I love him too. I wouldn’t have been ready to upend my life and fly to Switzerland with him if I didn’t.

  “I love you too,” I whisper back, the words slipping out easily along with the whirlwind of emotions raging within me. “I love you, Jason.”

  With one final thrust, he releases, hitting my pubic bone and clitoris with just the right force.

  As I join him in climax, the high overwhelms me. I soar to the stars, racing, racing, racing, my whole body in spasms that rock my world to the hilt.

  He breathes hard against me, his eyes closed, sweat beading on his brow.

  I’m in love.

  So in love.

  But as the orgasm slowly subsides, it hits me.

  Jason didn’t use a condom.

  And I’m not on the pill.

  Chapter Six

  Jason

  My heart pounds loudly in my ears. Angie is beneath me, her soft flesh a comfort. My eyes are still closed, and for a moment, I lose myself in the soothing warmth and throbbing connection between us.

  Until she shudders.

  I pull back slightly and open my eyes. Her own eyes are wide, her lips slightly parted as she stares at me.

  “Jason,” she says, her voice barely a whisper. “We didn’t use a condom.”

  For a moment, her words don’t register. But when they do, they land with the impact of a freight train. What was I thinking? The last thing I need right now is an unplanned pregnancy with my goddamned student.

  Surely she’s on the pill, right? All young women are.

  “I’m disease free,” I tell her. “I haven’t been with anyone in three years.”

  “That’s not the issue,” she says.

  “Fuck…”

  “Yeah. I guess I should have told you.”

  “Then why didn’t you?” I demand, more harshly than I mean to. The world around us seems to spin as reality sets in.

  “I didn’t think…” Her eyes fill with tears.

  Fuck. I can take anything but tears. I’ve had my fill of women’s tears.

  I pull out of her, roll onto my back, and stare at the ceiling. How could I have been so careless? I’m a doctor, for God’s sake.

  She shifts next to me on the bed, pulling the sheets up to cover her naked body. I reach out and pull her into me, wrapping my arms tightly around her.

  “It’s okay, Angie,” I whisper into her ear, my own fear seeping into my voice. “No need to worry until we have to.”

  “It’s probably okay,” she says. “I’m expecting my period in a couple of days.”

  “Good!” I say a little too enthusiastically. “Then you’re probably not fertile.”

  “Right,” she says.

  Even though neither of us needs an additional thing to worry about, the thought kind of disappoints me.

  When I lost Julia, I didn’t think I ever wanted another child. I mean, why put myself through that risk again? To love something that much and then lose it… It’s just too hard.

  But the thought of Angie carrying my child…

  A strange warmth fills me at the prospect. An unwelcome yet unavoidable yearning. A little boy with dark hair and eyes, or a little girl⁠—

  I push the thoughts away. Little girls only remind me of Julia.

  Besides, I’m a mess, and I’m in no condition to be a father.

  And the truth of it is that I’m a man caught between the past and the present, my heart divided between two women.

  One living, and one dead.

  I wasn’t lying in the throes of passion.

  I do love Angie.

  I think I’ve loved her since that first kiss.

  But Lindsay…

  Perhaps we didn’t have the raw passion that Angie and I share, but we had something deep and amazing, and I would have been happy with her for a lifetime.

  And now that I know she may not have killed herself…

  God, I can’t.

  Can’t go there with Angie.

  Not yet.

  She’s young and vibrant, her life just beginning, her future bright. Do I really want to drag her into this mess?

  I’ve already asked her to go to Switzerland with me, and now it seems that won’t happen. I can’t leave town with this mystery about Lindsay hanging over my head.

  And if I want the surgery here…it means therapy.

  Angie stirs in my arms and lifts her head from my shoulder to meet my gaze.

  “Whatever happens, we’ll handle it,” she whispers. “We can handle it together.”

  I nod and pull her closer into me. The heat of her body seeps into mine, providing some comfort against the chill from my thoughts.

  Part of me is terrified at the thought of becoming a father again, while another part is strangely drawn to the idea. I can’t help but think of all the things I missed out on with Julia—first day of school, first date, first dance—and the thought of experiencing those moments with Angie’s child fills me with both joy and sadness.

  “I do love you, Jason,” she says.

  I kiss the top of her head. “I love you too.”

  But as I learned the hard way…

  Love isn’t always enough.

  Chapter Seven

  Angie

  Do I bring up Switzerland? Is that even still on?

  This morning, I was running to Jason’s office to tell him that yes, I’d go with him to Switzerland. That I’d pack up my life and move it overseas to be with him, to help him through his surgery.

  And now that I know he loves me, I’m all the more ready to do it.

  But he hasn’t mentioned Switzerland once since getting here.

  Of course, that meeting he took this morning probably threw him for a loop. It sounds like someone reported that he’d been seen fooling around with a student. If that’s the case, he could get in serious trouble.

  It must have been Ralph. He claimed to have seen us kissing.

  But he has no evidence, at least none that I’ve seen for myself. Still though, it weighs my gut down.

  Oh…and on top of all that, I may be pregnant.

  But that’s unlikely, given the timing.

  Still, there’s a reason no one relies on the rhythm method.

  I clench my hands into fists, digging my nails into my palms. I can’t afford to lose myself in what-ifs right now. Jason needs me. And though I’ve had feelings for him since the very beginning, his confession settles it all. I love him too, and I’ll be there for him no matter what.

  “Jason,” I say, breaking the silence. “You were telling me about your meeting with those people this morning.”

  He grows still next to me, his breath hitching in his throat as he lets out a long sigh. He doesn’t answer right away but traces light circles on the back of my hand with his thumb.

  Finally he clears his throat. “Like I said, they were from the HR department.”

  His words hit me like a punch to the gut, the breath leaving my lungs in a sharp exhale.

  Damn that Ralph!

  “And?” I say, willing my voice not to tremble.

  He doesn’t respond right away, simply pulls me closer against him. His body is warm and solid, his heartbeat steady against my own.

  He sighs. “It appears that HR received an anonymous email saying I was seen kissing a student in the anatomy lab.”

  “I can’t believe he did it,” I say, anger seeping into my tone.

  “He?” Jason pulls away from me. “What do you know about this, Angie?”

  I bury my face in my hands. “God, I’m sorry. Maybe I should have told you.”

  “Yeah.” He sits up. “Maybe you should have told me a lot of things. Like you’re not on birth control. That you’re a member of the Steel family. That⁠—”

  I rise from the bed, anger flowing through me. “You’re not being fair. We never talked about birth control because we never talked about sex. We just did it. And you always used a condom before, so I had no reason to think you wouldn’t use one this time.”

  He opens his mouth, but I keep talking.

  “And yesterday you asked me to go to Switzerland with you. I was ready to tell you yes this morning. Ready when I went to your office, only for Ralph to tell me you were led off by those two people.” I cross my arms. “Oh, and it was Ralph, by the way. He’s the one who told me he saw us kissing. I denied it, of course, but he claims he snapped a photo.”

  “Angie…”

  “And he tried to kiss me.” My lip trembles. “Before he told me he saw us. He thought I was easy because I was kissing the teacher.”

  He shifts his gaze quickly. “Wait, wait, wait. He tried to what?”

  I gulp. “Kiss me. Here. At my place.”

  He curls his fingers into fists. “What the fuck was he doing here?”

  “We had study group. The night after our first anatomy lab.”

  Jason’s face goes red. “Who the hell is this guy?” He grabs me. “Did he hurt you? I’ll kill him.”

  A sliver of fear edges into me.

  I love this man. But do I truly know this man? It’s only been a little over a week.

  “Jason, I’m fine.”

  He grabs my wrist. His grip is tight, almost painful, but the look in his eyes makes my heart ache. He’s a man pushed to the brink, wrestling with demons past and present, some because of me.

  “It’s not worth it,” I say. “He didn’t hurt me. I told him off and he left.”

  Jason scowls, the lines on his forehead deepening as he loosens his clasp on my wrist. “If he saw us, and he wants you, that’s why he went to HR.”

  “Maybe. But why would he want me?”

  “For the love of God, Angie, why wouldn’t he?” He rubs at his forehead. “Not only are you the most beautiful woman in the free world, but you come with a built-in trust fund. Who the hell wouldn’t want you?”

  “You’re not saying…”

  “Fuck no.” He rakes his fingers through his hair. “That’s not why I want you. I’m practically debt free.” He lets out a huff. “I am debt free, until this trip to Switzerland. The surgery may cost more than I have, but I have my own resources. I don’t need yours.”

  Jason is debt free?

  Then again, he did lose his wife and daughter. If they had life insurance… That would explain it. Of course, if his wife killed herself, that might have annulled the policy. Probably depends on how long she was insured.

  “What did you tell HR?” I ask.

  “I denied everything,” he says. “I hated doing it.”

  “No. You did the right thing.” I squeeze his hand. “If they ask me about it, I’ll say the same.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t want you lying for me.”

  “You lied for me.”

  “I lied for me, Angie. Nothing will happen to you if this gets out. But I could lose my job.”

  “If you go to Switzerland, you’ll have to leave your job anyway.”

  He doesn’t reply.

  I’m not sure what’s going through his mind. He finally mentioned Switzerland, but it was in the context of him being debt free. Not in the context of getting the surgery, which he was so excited about just days ago.

  “Are we still going to Switzerland? Will you still get the surgery?” I ask him.

  Jason looks at me, and the raw vulnerability in his eyes nearly breaks my heart. “I don’t know. This HR thing has thrown me off balance. I’m not sure if it’s still a viable option.”

  His uncertainty rings loud in the silence that follows, and my chest tightens. I’m not frightened, exactly. Not frustrated. Just…suspended. Like I’m standing still while the rest of the world keeps moving.

  Because I see it in his face.

  He’s not telling me the whole truth.

  “Jason…”

  He huffs. “What?”

  “I love you,” I say. “But this will only work if we’re completely honest with each other.”

  Chapter Eight

  Jason

  She’s right.

  She no doubt knows about my past. Not from her aunt, of course. Dr. Melanie Steel is way too professional to divulge anything we talked about.

  I’m not active on social media, but a simple search of me will bring up Lindsay and Julia. The accident. Lindsay’s Facebook memorial page.

  Damn. I haven’t looked at that thing in a long time. Not for two years at least. Maybe longer.

  It just became too painful.

  Not only did my actions contribute to the death of the woman I loved—the woman I committed my life to, had a child with—but her death devastated so many others. Her family, friends. I could have handled it if I had just received condolences at her funeral. But an online forum is permanent. A constant reminder of my failure as a husband.

  She slashed her wrists, but I put the razor blades in her hands.

  At least, that was the going theory until I finally read that fucking suicide note.

  “I know, Angie,” I admit, my voice barely a whisper. “I know, and I’m sorry.”

  She looks at me then, her eyes softening as she reaches out to take my hand. Her touch is gentle, comforting, a lifeline in the storm.

  “I know about Lindsay and Julia,” she says quietly. “I looked you up. After we met.”

  I take a deep breath and brace myself for what always comes next.

  “Whatever happened wasn’t your fault,” she says.

  Her words are kind, and I’d give anything to believe them.

  But they’re a falsehood. A fucking lie.

  Everything was my fault. I was behind the wheel. I’m the one who made sure Julia was secured in her car seat.

  Except that she wasn’t.

  So yeah, it was my fault.

  And my wife? As much as she said she didn’t blame me, her eyes and her actions said differently.

  God, my wife.

  That handwriting that wasn’t hers.

  So much to deal with.

  So much.

  “I appreciate that,” I say, trying to keep the darkness of the past from seeping into my voice.

  But a fresh surge of guilt tightens my chest.

  Julia’s car seat…

  Lindsay…

  “But I don’t think you quite understand,” I continue. “The guilt isn’t just about the accident. It’s about everything that happened afterward.”

  Angie looks at me, her eyes wide. She squeezes my hand tighter.

  “You can’t change the past,” she says softly. “None of us can. But we can try to make the future better.”

  The hope in her voice sparks something in me. A small flame in the darkness. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough. For now at least.

  “Switzerland,” I whisper, looking into her eyes. “I want this surgery. I want it so much. But I can’t go. Not now.”

  “Why not?”

  “The thing with HR.”

  She frowns. “What did they say?”

  “They said they tried to email the person back, but it bounced.”

  “See?” she says. “It’s nothing. They know it’s nothing.”

  I sigh.

  To be honest, HR knowing that I kissed Angie is the least of my problems.

  My wife may have been murdered…and I need to find out who wrote that damned suicide note.

  And that…

  That is my fault.

  If I’d had the courage and the balls to read the damned thing when it happened, I’d have known then that the handwriting wasn’t hers.

  “But—” Angie starts, her eyebrows furrowed.

  I shake my head, stopping her mid-sentence.

  “I have to figure things out.” I squeeze her hand. “It’s something I need to do on my own.”

  “But you don’t have to face it alone,” she says. “I’m here, and I love you. I want to help.”

  She looks at me with such resolve that for a moment I’m tempted to take her along this dark journey. But reality comes crashing down.

  I swing my legs off the side of the bed onto the floor, turning my back to her. “I don’t want to drag you into this mess. It’s not your burden to bear.”

  “You’re wrong.” She sits up, rubs my shoulders from behind. “When we said we loved each other, that meant we would carry each other’s burdens too.”

  “God, you’re sweet.” I twist my neck to meet her eyes. “So special.” I look back to the floor. “And fuck it all, you deserve better than me.”

  “I disagree.”

  I rub my forehead. “Don’t you understand? I’ve fucked everything up. I can’t go to Switzerland because…I just found something out.”

  “The HR⁠—”

  “It has nothing to do with HR,” I say, exasperated. “My wife killed herself, Angie. She couldn’t deal with the loss of our daughter. And she blamed me, though she couldn’t ever bring herself to say it. If only she could have, maybe she’d have been able to heal. But the damned psychiatrist⁠—”

  I stop.

  Is now really the time to tell Angie what I think of her chosen career path?

  Angie clears her throat. “What about the psychiatrist?”

  I swallow, squeeze my eyes shut. “She couldn’t help Lindsay. She couldn’t help me either, but I’m the least of my worries. Lindsay is gone because⁠—”

  Then I stop.

 

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