Healed heart, p.7
Healed Heart, page 7
More than I’d like to admit.
“Often,” I mumble.
“Are these thoughts accompanied by a sense of panic or anxiety?” he asks.
“No.”
And it’s true. I’m not anxious. I feel guilt, of course, but not anxiety, other than my newfound desire to know whether my wife actually committed suicide.
“I see,” he says.
I clear my throat. “I think I need to postpone the surgery anyway.”
He widens his eyes. “And why is that?”
Should I tell him? If I’m wrong, he’ll definitely write me off forever as a man who can’t accept his wife’s death, can’t move forward, isn’t stable enough for this surgery.
But then I think… Fuck it. Caution to the wind.
“Because I’ve discovered something. Something about my wife’s death.”
Chapter Thirteen
Angie
My heart drops to my stomach.
Tabitha’s eyes are wide as she stares at me. “Your boyfriend? What is he talking about, Angie?”
“He must be delirious,” I say.
“Ralph, what are you talking about?” Tabitha asks.
“Ask her,” Ralph says before closing his eyes again.
His face is badly beaten. It looks like someone used him as a punching bag. I can’t bear to look at him, but I can’t look away either.
“Angie?” Tabitha’s voice is filled with confusion.
“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” I say, struggling to keep my voice steady. But the truth is creeping up on me like the chill of a ghost.
I swallow hard, fighting the lump in my throat. I shift my gaze from Ralph’s battered face to Tabitha’s concerned one and then to the white walls of the hospital room. I inhale the stinging scent of antiseptic.
“I need to step out,” I murmur.
Tabitha reaches out and grabs my hand. “Angie, what’s going on?”
“I just need some air.” I pull away from her grip and exit the room.
Eli is returning from the restroom, but I whisk by him. The hallway seems to stretch on forever as I walk toward the nearest exit.
When I finally reach the hospital garden, I collapse onto a bench and put my head in my hands. The winter air is cool against my skin, and for a moment it brings a bit of relief that distracts me from the turmoil inside. But soon, the wind starts to pick up, bringing a biting chill that matches the ice forming in my veins.
No way did Jason do this. Sure, I told him Ralph was no doubt the one who emailed HR—and that he came on to me—but Jason is a doctor, a healer.
He would never deliberately hurt another human being.
Would he?
My mind spins with unending questions, each one more horrifying than the last. But amid the tumultuous thoughts, a singular notion forms that cuts me to the core.
I hardly know Jason at all.
How long has it been? A few days? Weeks? Not nearly enough time to fully understand the man behind his gorgeous exterior. What evidence do I have of his goodness, other than his title as a doctor?
In a flash, every sweet gesture he’s made feels like a potential mask, an intricate disguise to hide something dark. Every shared laugh and tender moment is now tinged with bitter doubt.
“No,” I whisper to myself. “He’s not like that. He can’t be.”
But doubt has a way of growing and festering.
I look up as a figure approaches me.
It’s Tabitha.
“Angie? You okay?”
I sniffle. “Fine.”
She crosses her arms. “You were talking to yourself.”
“Was I?” I feign surprise, quickly wiping moisture from my eyes.
Tabitha settles down beside me. “You’re not fine. You’re far from it.”
I rub at my eyes. “I’m just trying to make sense of things.”
She frowns. “I hope you know you can talk to me.”
Here she goes again, thinking we’re besties after two weeks. Or has it been longer? Sometimes I feel like I’ve been with Jason forever.
“I know, Tabitha.” I bite my lip. “It’s just…complicated.”
She looks at me for a moment, her expression unreadable. Then, with a sigh, she reaches out and places her hand on my arm. The gesture is so simple, yet it seems to fill me with a sense of warmth that I didn’t realize I needed. The air doesn’t seem quite so chilly now.
“Life is complicated,” she says quietly. “But we don’t have to face it alone.”
I swallow back the lump in my throat and nod. What can I even say to that? How can I tell her that maybe I brought this complication into my own life? That maybe I fell for someone who seems too good to be true?
We sit in silence for a few more minutes. The wind rustles the leaves above us.
Finally, she speaks again. “You don’t have to tell me everything.” She purses her lips. “Or anything at all, really. I get it. We all have our secrets. But if you ever need someone to listen, I’m here.”
“I appreciate that.” I manage a weak smile. It isn’t much, but it’s the best I can do right now.
She smiles back at me and gives my arm another reassuring squeeze before releasing it. “Good. I’m glad.” She rises from the bench. “I’ll be inside if you need me, okay? You shouldn’t stay out here much longer. It’s cold as a tit on a boar!”
I furrow my brow at that one. Cold as a tit on a boar?
Never heard that. It’s kind of funny, but I don’t laugh as she walks back into the hospital.
A minute later, I feel more alone than ever. The cold seems to seep into my bones, and I wrap my arms around myself for warmth. I stare blankly at the ground, as if I think it can answer my question.
Could Jason have done that to Ralph?
The wind picks up again, sending more shivers through me. I close my eyes tightly as a tear slips down my cheek.
“God, what have I gotten myself into?” I whisper into the emptiness.
Jason couldn’t have beaten Ralph. Not like that. Not to the point where he had to go to the hospital.
I could see him punching him in the jaw once or twice, but whoever attacked Ralph clearly wanted him to die.
But Ralph is the only one who knows about us. At least as far as I know. And he mentioned “my boyfriend.”
I shudder, haunted by the possibility of Jason’s guilt.
An overwhelming urge to confront him surges through me. I want to look him in the eyes and ask him outright. Did he attack Ralph? But doing so could unleash a floodgate of consequences I’m not prepared to face.
A soft crunching noise breaks through my thoughts, and I glance up. A lone figure is walking toward me across the hospital garden, his coat flapping in the chilly breeze. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust…
Jason.
It’s Jason.
“Angie?” he asks softly when he reaches me. He sits down next to me on the bench, close but not touching.
“Jason.” I force a smile onto my face. “What are you doing here?”
Chapter Fourteen
Jason
I’m wiped. So wiped.
After telling Dr. Engel my suspicions about Lindsay’s death, our time was up.
I’m seeing him again tomorrow, but my God, the wounds are open. My vital organs exposed to the world.
I look at Angie, her eyes shadowed with a sadness I can’t quite gauge. I wish I could reassure her, tell her everything is going to be okay. But the truth is, I’m not sure it will be.
“I still have an office here.” It’s not a lie. The hospital hasn’t reassigned my office, although I moved all my stuff to my new office at the medical school.
“Oh?” she says.
“Yeah. I have to pick up a few things.”
“You’re not here to see Ralph?”
“Ralph? You mean from anatomy lab? The one who—”
“Jason,” she interrupts, “you have to tell me. Did you do this to him?”
Her question hangs heavy in the air. “Do what to him? What are you talking about?”
“Ralph was attacked,” she whispers, her voice shaking. “He’s in here, in the hospital.”
“Attacked?” My mind spins. “But why would you think I had anything to do with that?”
She shrinks back from me, her face pale. “You know. I told you he’s the one who… And he tried to kiss me. Blackmail me. And he said it was you.”
Rage surges into me. “He what?”
“Well, when I asked what happened, he said, ‘ask your boyfriend.’”
“And you immediately thought of me?”
“Well, boyfriend… Yeah. You’re my… I guess… I mean, we just said we loved each other, Jason.” She bites her lip. “I don’t have any other boyfriends.”
I tighten my grip on the wooden arm of the bench. “Why? Why would I…”
Frustration bubbles inside me. How can she think I’m capable of such a thing?
“Angie,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “Do you honestly believe I could beat someone up? To the point where he had to go to the hospital?”
“You were so angry when I told you about him… And then he gets attacked…”
I shake my head, running a hand through my hair. “Angie, listen to me.” I inhale, but no more words come out. How could she even consider the possibility that I would harm Ralph out of spite or jealousy?
But then a more horrifying thought.
Is Angie afraid of me? The idea leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
I take a deep breath, forcing myself to remain calm. “I didn’t attack Ralph.”
She doesn’t look convinced, and it breaks my heart.
“But you have to admit, it does look suspicious,” she says.
My blood simmers underneath my skin. “How so?”
“Because you were angry at him. And he knew about us.” Her voice quivers as if she’s on the verge of tears. “And he said it was my boyfriend.”
“Angie—”
“No, Jason,” she snaps, cutting me off. “I’m not accusing you of anything. But you have to understand why I thought it could have been you.”
I close my eyes, take a deep breath. Count to ten. “I do understand,” I say in as calm a voice as I can muster. “But just because things look a certain way doesn’t mean they are.”
“But Jason—”
“No,” I cut her off this time. “I’m not going to stand here and let you accuse me of something I didn’t do.”
“I told you, I wasn’t accusing you—”
“Speculating, then.” I stand and pace around her. “Yes, Ralph knew about us, and yes, I was angry with him. But that doesn’t mean I attacked him.”
“Then who did?”
“I don’t know,” I reply, my voice strangled. “But it wasn’t me.”
The silence stretches between us once more. It’s stifling, heavy with accusations and denials.
She wraps her arms around herself. “I want to believe you,” she says quietly. “But I just don’t know what to think anymore.”
The admission cuts deeper than any knife could have.
“I understand,” I say finally when my voice returns to me. “And I can’t make you believe me. But I promise you that I had nothing to do with this.”
She doesn’t respond.
“Angie,” I say, sitting back down next to her. “I love you. I would never do something like this, not even to my worst enemy. Certainly not to some jackass student of mine, even one who’s poking his nose where it doesn’t belong.”
“I need time,” she murmurs, brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
“Of course.” I nod, fighting back the urge to reach out and hold her. To comfort her. “Take all the time you need.”
She gives me a half-hearted smile, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Slowly, she rises from the bench. Without another word, she turns and walks away.
The leaves rustle overhead. I look around the garden, chilled and snow-covered. This place is beautiful in the spring and summer, when the flowers are in full bloom, the trees green and thick with life, and the air smells like roses and sunlight. I used to sit out here before a complex surgery, running through each step in my mind.
Now?
The garden is icy, stripped down.
I don’t know how long I sit there, lost in my own thoughts. The shadows around me deepen as the sun begins to set, but I barely notice the change in light. All I can think of is Angie’s accusing gaze and the fear I saw reflected in her eyes.
And while it saddens me, it also makes me angry.
Angry that she thinks I’m capable of harming someone.
But angrier at Ralph for accusing me.
He and I will have words.
I rise, turn, and walk through the hospital doors.
Chapter Fifteen
Angie
At home, I cuddle with Tillie.
I cut my afternoon class.
That’s not like me. I’m the good girl. I never cut class. Especially not medical school class.
The awesome foursome used to make fun of me all the time. They called me a buzzkill.
Sage and Bree used to cut class regularly. I’m not sure a week went by in college where they attended all of their classes.
Gina was better, but she cut now and then with them. They would pry her with Starbucks. She loves the stuff.
I think I cut maybe two classes during my entire college career. And so far, I haven’t skipped any classes here at med school until today. Granted, I’m only in my second semester, but I even went to class for a few days last semester when I had a nasty cold.
I probably should’ve stayed home, but my snot was clear, so…
Every good medical student knows that means it’s only a virus.
I should feel guilty for missing my class this afternoon. But guilt doesn’t come. Too many other emotions are coiling inside me.
Tillie licks my face, and I pet her soft head. Her coat is starting to get scraggly. She needs to be groomed. I’ve grown up with dogs my whole life, but usually bigger dogs. I chose Tillie because I’d be living alone and I only have a small yard. Plus, miniature schnauzers don’t shed. And though I could afford it, I don’t have a live-in housekeeper like we had at home who vacuums every day.
I can’t help a sarcastic chuckle. What would they all say—Tabitha, Eli—if I had a housekeeper in my little townhome?
I’ve never been ostentatious. Everyone knows that about me. I’m probably the least ostentatious person in my family, except for my cousin Ava, who doesn’t even use her trust fund to run her bakery. She and her husband live in a tiny apartment above his bar in downtown Snow Creek.
But damn… They’re two people who are about as happy as I’ve ever seen, and that’s after everything Ava and Brendan have both been through.
I never believed money could make you happy. I mean, look at some of the tragedies our family has been through. Physical, emotional, sexual abuse. Ghosts coming back to haunt us. And the fact that our fortune was perhaps not made in the most ethical manner.
I don’t want to believe that Jason hurt Ralph.
Though I don’t doubt Ralph had it coming to him. He had to be the one who went to HR. No one else knew.
I kind of wanted to smack him around myself, but that’s not how we Steels handle things.
I laugh out loud again.
What a crock.
I know how my brothers would’ve handled it if they knew what Ralph did to me.
Which is why I haven’t told them.
Oh God…
What if they know?
What if they…
Maybe it wasn’t Jason after all.
But no. If my brothers were in town, they would tell me. And David just got married. He wouldn’t leave his new wife just to come to Boulder to beat up some asshole who’s bothering his sister.
But Henry…
Henry can be a little bit of a loose cannon.
He’s a great guy. He works for our nonprofit foundation. I mean, that’s a really giving thing to do, right? Not that he has to work, with his trust fund and all.
Everyone in our family works. We were taught the value of hard work. The value of a dollar.
No.
Henry wouldn’t do that.
Besides, no one knows. I only told Tabitha.
One way to find out.
I take out my cell phone and call Henry.
“Hey, Angie,” the deep voice of my brother comes through the phone. “What’s up?”
“Where are you?”
“Funny you should ask.”
My heart clogs my throat. “What the hell does that mean?” I choke out.
“I’m actually in town. There’s a conference in Westminster, so I’m only thirty minutes away from you.”
Only thirty minutes away… Easy to drive to Boulder, kick Ralph’s ass, and be back in time for breakfast.
But no way. He has no way of knowing.
“A conference?”
“Yeah. Brad was supposed to go, which is why I didn’t let you know ahead of time. I was actually just getting ready to call you to see if you are available for dinner tonight.”
Henry’s here.
Fuck.
I’m not feeling up to dinner.
But he’s my brother, and I love him. And even though I’m feeling pretty much like shit right now, I can’t let him know that. The last thing I need is for my brother to be worrying about me.
“Yeah, sure. You want to come to my place?”
“Are you kidding? I’m taking my sister out on the town. There’s this great place—or so I’ve heard—called Papa Mazzoti’s. I know you love Italian.”
“I do,” I admit.
“Fantastic,” he replies. “Let’s meet there around seven, okay?”
“Okay,” I say, trying to put as much cheer into my voice as I can.
In reality, though, the thought of heading out, being seen in public, seems unbearable. But it’s Henry. If nothing else, he’ll be a welcome distraction.
