Project lightning, p.10
Project Lightning, page 10
Caleb looks shocked for a moment. “I didn’t...I mean...I wouldn’t…” His normally confident tone is absent for the moment. I feel a stirring in the pit of my stomach. Didn’t lead me on, my behind. He called me his girlfriend. I feel my breath pick up as I try to listen to their conversation.
“Yeah.” she says with a sarcastic tone. “You kind of did. If what you told me already is true.” He nods swiftly and she continues. “Plus, would you want to be censured for your parent's mistakes?” Kayla asks.
“Kayla.” Caleb complains. His voice softens slightly and I can see his eyes narrow on Kayla’s face like he is trying to make her see his logic. “It’s Marcus St. Pope.”
Her anger returned swiftly.“I don't care if it’s the President of the Confederation. Would you?” she asks. Her voice rising I am glad that she is on my side with this. I make a mental note to never get on her bad side. her voice became louder.
He shushes her and looks around. I press myself against the wall in hopes of not being seen. I feel my face flush with anger and I clench my teeth against my cheek to keep myself in check. “No,” he sounds regretful.
His tone throws me over the edge. He has no right to talk about me or my parents. He doesn’t even know me. We shared a few kisses and suddenly he is acting like I tricked him into a relationship. At this moment, I’m seething. My face is red and my fists are clenched. I can't hide any longer. I walk up to him and slap his face.
He stares at me in shock, his hand touching his face as I begin to rant. “This is why you wouldn't talk to me? Why you were suddenly cold and mean? Of all the stupid shit I’ve dealt with over my life, this is probably the worst so far. For your information, I didn't know my parents. I was taken away from them as a baby. I was raised by my aunt and uncle.” I poke my finger into his chest and he cringes, “But instead of asking me about him, you decide to be a cruel, mean jerk. No, actually asshole is a better word in this situation. You take the word of someone else and ignore me.” I turn away and start to walk but suddenly I turn around. “At least I got to know the type of person you are before we got in too deep.”
My eyes burn with tears as I run down the hall and into my room. I’ve never been so thankful to be alone as in this moment. I flop down on my unmade bed as my tears spill out. Sobs wrack my body as I let out the grief. The first boy I liked, my first crush turns out to be incredibly disappointing. He had been suave and seemed truly like me but the second he finds out that my father is some big pariah here, he drops me. I have so much I want to tell him. I want him to feel how much he hurt me but I don’t think that is a good idea. I pound my fists on the bed as the hurt pours out of my eyes. This is why I avoid intimacy. I can’t get involved with anyone because I don’t know so much about myself.
I think back to the way Caleb made me feel and I cringe at my action. The butterflies and electricity coursing through me at his touch made me give up my heart too fast. When my heart gets involved, the only person hurt is me. A part of me wants to talk to him. To see if there is any chance that this was a mistake. But my memory flashes the look of his face as he spat my father’s name out and I feel the tears renew in my eyes. It feels like hours before my tears abate into quiet sobs in my now soaked pillow. I rub my snot covered nose on my sleeve and attempt to inhale deeply. But everything I told him was true. At least I found out what type of person he was before I was in too deep.
Chapter 15
I’m woken suddenly to sound of the dormitory door closing and get up suddenly from my bed. Making my way out of my room, I come face to face with Kayla. I jump back and scream. Her hand goes to her chest and it heaves up and down heavily.
“You scared me!” I shout. While I put my hands on my knees and suck in air greedily. I spend a couple of minutes in this position trying to submerse my rising panic. When I feel my heart begin to slow, I look up at her.
She looks at me sheepishly. “Sorry about that.”
“Which thing. The argument in the hall or just now.” I snap. I know I should be grateful for her standing up for me but I just can’t bring myself to care at the moment. I am still too angry.
“Both, I guess.” Her feet shuffle slowly across the floor.
“What happened?” I ask gruffly. I know we haven’t known each other very long but I have yet to determine if she is friend or foe. After this morning, I would have instantly said friend. But now I am not so sure.
She swallows hard and says “Well, I was sitting in the lounge waiting for you, and Caleb came in. He asked if I’d seen you. I told him to leave you alone. I didn't know exactly what happened between you two but I knew something was up.” She pauses and I motion for her to continue. This might determine if I feel like I can trust her or not. “He said he needed to talk to you. That’s when he pulled him into the hallway and he told me about you guys liking each other. Then, he told me about Barnum, and what he said about your dad. Well, I guess you heard most of it.” I nod swiftly and she shakes her head softly. Her eyes meet mine and I can see they look genuine. As far as I can see, she is telling the truth. “Anyway, I wanted to see if you were okay?”
I am suddenly confused. Despite her defending me to Caleb. I saw her reaction when she heard about my father. “You still want to talk to me? Even after knowing about my dad?” I question. My head is thoroughly confused from the events of today. My father is a persona non grata for some reason. “Whatever that might be,” I mutter to myself.
She takes a step forward and throws her arms around me. I stiffen quickly placing my hands against her. I am not used to this level of affection from a friend and it startles me. “Of course I want to talk to you. You're nice. Even if you are a little quiet. Why wouldn't I?” Kayla asks.
“I would say ask Warner, but you already know.” I grumble as I step out of her embrace. I am still not sure about her friendship and I feel like it would be easier on me if she would just go away. But then I think about how lonely I was feeling earlier today after I said goodbye to Juliet. I could stand to have a friend here.
“Yeah. About that. Do you really not know who your father is?” Kayla says.
I nod. “I’ve wanted to know about him and my mom for years, but no one would tell me. My aunt and uncle avoid the subject completely. I finally found someone who knew my mom. But she wasn’t much help. I only have a name. My dad is a mystery. At least I know his name now” I say before whispering. “Marcus.”
Her lips form a sad smile. “Wow,” she whispers and then blushes. “Sorry, it’s just that we are taught about him in classes.”
“Really?” I say. My eyes widen and then narrow again. “What are you told?”
She looks around as if she’s going to be caught saying something bad. She pulls me in for a hug. I initially struggle but she grasps me tightly. “Not here,” she whispers in my ear.
I nod slightly as I relax into her embrace. and she squeezes me tighter. “And for your information, Caleb didn't do anything with that girl this morning.”
I step back and my jaw drops. “What were they doing in the computer lab? I mean we all have private rooms so why risk being caught in the computer lab?” I am so confused by some of the procedures here that my head is swimming.
Kayla grimaces slightly and I realize I might have stumbled onto something that blurs the line slightly. “Well technically speaking, the dormitories are separate. It is not really against the rules for a boy to be in the girls dormitory but it is encouraged to find an alternate location for any…” she clears her throat like it is embarrassing to talk about this. She frames “relations” in air quotes.
I chuckle slightly at her use of the word relations. It’s not like sex in a group of young adults is anything shocking. Every girl, when she first gets her monthly cycle, is fitted with a birth control device. When a couple gets married and decide they want a child, they go to their local health office and the device is turned off for a six month period. If the woman gets pregnant, the device remains off until the birth of the child. Once the device is back on, it would require an application to have another child. They have to prove to the government that they can afford to support another child. It was the government’s response to overpopulation about fifteen years after the war ended.
“But that still doesn’t explain what he was doing in there with her.” I say exasperated by this conversation. I run my hand over the top of my hair and begin the process of repairing the damage my earlier tantrum created. “I mean, he thought I was evil. So why would he…” My voice trails off. I can’t finish that statement without my stomach wanting to rebel.
She nods thoughtfully.“Yeah I don’t know how Mindy convinced Caleb into the computer lab but when I walked in, he was telling her he couldn't. That he really liked someone and didn't want to cheat on them.” My chest seizes as I realize I made a judgment before knowing the truth, just like he did. Granted, he had been a complete jerk this week, but I didn't have all the facts. She catches my eye and pulls me out of my self-deprecating spiral. “I’m not telling you to just forgive him. He did judge you after finding out about your father. All I’m saying is maybe you two should talk. He’s a pretty good guy after all.” I nod lightly, considering her words.
“Maybe,” I answer but I am not sure when that would be. A part of me wants to search for him now. But an even bigger part wants to avoid him until my head is on straight.
“Well, it’s almost dinner time and since we skipped lunch, I’m starving.” My stomach growls. “I guess you are, too. Want to go?”
“Sure,” I say and she loops her arm in mine as we walk out the door to the mess hall.
I return to my room later that evening, still laughing from some of the jokes told during dinner. Kayla's friends are a riot. I don't think I laughed so hard in a long time. It felt good after the day I had. Caleb had been sitting at a table not far from us and his eyes were on me the whole time. It felt good to give him a taste of his own medicine.
He tried to corner me when I left the mess hall, but I pushed past him and walked away. I needed more time to think about everything. I looked over my shoulder, noticing Caleb's downcast eyes and slumped shoulders. When Kayla walked past, she patted his arm. He looked up and I could see a sadness in his eyes. I almost turned around to talk with him, I decided against it. I needed more time.
I set to getting my room ready for inspection, making my bed and stowing away my personal items. When I’m done, I sit down at the desk, my mind reeling from today. I think back on the conversation I shared with Kayla about Caleb and her suggestion to at least talk to him. However, I’m having a hard time putting my anger aside.
I did something that my aunt taught me a long time ago. She told me sometimes differences force people apart because they aren’t willing to look at the other person's position. I remember the advice stemming from an argument I had in lower school with another student. I was so sure I was right, and I wasn't willing to look at it from her perspective.
She told me to relive the moment of the argument, but try to take the other person’s perspective. I sit and try to look at this from Caleb's perspective. If I liked someone and then found out she was the daughter of someone who was supposedly “bad”, I’d probably be angry. I may have ignored her for a while. But I would have never shown her the hostility. In one moment, he is telling a girl that he has probably been with before, that he couldn’t cheat on me. But in the next moment, he is telling Kayla about my father and freezing me out. I realize that is his problem. He is either hot or he is cold. There is no middle ground with him. And that is what I need. The middle ground. I have too much drama in my own life to deal with someone else's.
But eventually, I would’ve talked to her. I would’ve at least asked for her side. Caleb didn't. He just went cold and ghosted me. There is a part of me that wants to drop him like an old shoe and let it lie. But a part of me remembers how it felt to be in his arms. In that single moment, I felt safe for the first time since I entered this place. Did I judge him prematurely? No, he was in a darkened room with another girl.
I sigh. As much as I’m dreading talking to him. Caleb may have answers to some of the questions I have about my father and I don't want to be on bad terms with our division liaison. Maybe we won't be in a relationship, but perhaps we can at least be friends.
I stand up and decide I’m going to go find Caleb. I need to talk to him. As I get my uniform top on, I hear the door open and close.
“Knock, knock,” Caleb says at the entrance, dressed down in his sweatpants and a t-shirt that’s molded to his chest and arms. I bite my lip as I imagine those arms around me, holding me close.
I shake my head to clear away the image and look at him. His sad eyes stare back at me. “Come on in.” He walks further into the room holding a bag next to him. “What have you got there?” Attempting to pretend we have nothing to talk about. I may have thought I was ready to talk but my body betrays me and I need to get a grip on myself.
“Your uniforms for when classes start in a few weeks.” He places them on the bed and unzips the bag. Inside are two pairs of purple fatigues, a purple dress uniform, a purple work uniform and a couple pairs of, you guessed it, purple sweatpants. I look up and smile at him.
“I guess purple is the color for technology?” I gesture to the purple explosion that has overtaken my bed. He snorts lightly.
“Yeah. Dark gray is Strength, Light Gray is Stamina, Blue is Intelligence, and Purple is Technology,” he explains.
“So, you are Strength,” I say, “I can tell why.” I mutter under my breath. I look up and see Caleb smiling. I know he heard me. My cheeks heat and I look down. We stand silently for a moment.
“Can I talk to you?” Caleb asks quietly. His face is hard, as if preparing for rejection. He stands rigidly in the doorway but he is not looking at me.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I am not sure if I should be caving this early. But I have never liked conflict. “Sure,” I say, as I sit down on my bed. My hands go to my lap as I look up at him.
His eyes widen in shock and his mouth drops open. “R..re..eally?” Caleb stutters. His mouth flops open several times before he is able to compose himself. Internally, my heart lifts a little.
I take another deep breath as I feel the anger returning. He was so callous with my feelings, so why would I want to talk to him? Then I hear Aunt Myrna’s voice in my head, you will never know unless you talk. I look up and nod. “Yeah. I was about to come find you.”
His eyes shoot to mine and I can see the sadness looming in their depths. I inhale a whiff of his cologne. My stomach flutters and I feel the electricity shooting through my veins. “Okay.” He sits and is silent. I twiddle my thumbs for a minute before I speak.
“So you wanted to talk?”
“Yeah. I was so sure you were going to say no. After tonight. You know. So I hadn't thought about what to say. I guess the biggest thing I want to say; is I'm sorry. I was selfish and self-centered. I thought about what the news would do to me, but I didn't think to ask you about it. I just assumed that you were keeping secrets.” He sits with his head in his hands, slowly shaking it back and forth. I sit still wringing my hands in my lap. I want to comfort him, but I can't right now.
My stomach begins to clench nervously. I am keeping secrets but not about my parents. If anything I want to find out more about them. “Caleb.” He looks up and I see his red-rimmed eyes. I’d always thought crying was weak, but maybe crying for the right reason is okay. Caleb appears to be so strong. Yet here he is, sitting at my desk, crying. “Caleb.” He finally meets and holds my eyes. “It hurt when you were cold toward me. Yes, it hurt that you made assumptions about me based upon my father. However, what hurt the most was you didn't trust me enough to come talk to me.”
His nostrils flare and I see a defiant look in his eyes. “I do trust you,” he insists.
I just shake my head. “No you don't,” My hands wringing in my lap. After his outburst last week, I am a little nervous to be honest. “If you did, you would’ve come talk to me. You would’ve found out I didn't know my parents. My aunt and uncle raised me. This whole week could’ve been avoided if you’d have trusted me enough to talk to me.”
He shakes his head and whispers under his breath. “I’m not like him. I’m not like him.” I watch his muscles bunch and his chest heave rapidly in his chest.
I place my hand on his shoulder and he looks up sharply. His eyes are narrowed and his jaw tight. I take a step back but I don't back down.“Who aren't you like Caleb?”
He shakes his head for a moment, but I urge him on. Finally, he whispers angrily, “My father.” I gulp loudly. When we meet each other's eyes, I know we have a lot more to talk about than my secret heritage.
I motion for him to sit on the bed. He moves over and I put my arm around him. “Do you want to talk about him?”
He shakes his head, “Not really.” I’m about to say okay when he continues. “I have to because he keeps creeping up inside me.” I nod and he continues. “My father was an abusive asshole. He beat my mother. He would constantly put her down to make her feel small. I was lucky because he never laid a finger on me, but he was always critical of me. He wanted me to be the best, but no matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough. My mother finally left him when I was twelve. She had enough of his constant beatings, jealousy, and anger. He didn't trust her. If she went out and wasn't back at a specific time, he’d beat her and accuse her of cheating. If he heard even a rumor about my mom, he wouldn't give her a chance to explain. He’d just beat her again. She finally went to the police in our old colony, Ares. They moved her and me up here to Zeus. They thought I would fit in better here than anywhere else.” He sighed deeply, as if a weight was lifted. He’s silent for a moment. “I know I can't excuse what I did to you. When you’re raised in that kind of place it takes a long time to get over.”
Now I understand why his automatic reaction was to ignore me and how when I talked about hanging out with another boy, he got jealous. No, his past doesn't excuse his actions, but I can understand.
