Shattered minds, p.31
Shattered Minds, page 31
part #2 of Beautiful Liar Series
“What?”
“Please Emory. Don’t go. I mean, I know you have to go and live your life.” He stands up, taking my face in his hands. “I know you have to go and become whole and figure out how to be on your own. I’m the one that said that. It’s my advice. But I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. I don’t want to spend a single day without you. Please, stay. We can figure things out with you here. I love you.” He presses his gorgeous mouth to mine. Pulling me into him. I wrap my arms around him instinctively. A moan escapes me, I can’t help it. He feels so good pressed against me, his hands running over the length of my body. I’m instantly hot all over. I can feel his hardness pushing into my stomach. But I can’t do this. Not now, not here, not today. If anything, he taught me to be strong. I pull back, looking into the storm rolling through his gray eyes. They are particularly stormy today and filled with tears. I go back in for more of that kiss. I run my hands under his shirt, pushing it up and over his head. He is quick to get mine off. Our pants are off before I even realize how they got there, and he has me on the bed with his glorious hands and mouth all over me. I can’t think when he does this. I don’t want to think. I just want to feel him. I want to feel his hands all over me. I want to feel his mouth all over me.
“Yes, Alex. Touch me. Yes, everywhere, I want to feel you.”
“Anything for you.” And he goes back to kissing and licking and sucking. His hands slip beneath my panties, and I know he can feel how wet I am already. He slides a finger inside me. I hear him moan against my neck at the same time I moan at the feeling. I have his amazing cock in my hand. I love the way it feels, like it was made just for me. It fits perfect in my hands. I run my thumb over the bead of cum at the tip. My hips are rocking back and forth as his fingers move in and out and his thumb moves in circles over my clit. The faster he moves the faster my hand moves. Fuck, I can’t take this.
“I need you inside me, now.” He chuckles against my breast where he has my nipple sucked into his mouth. He pulls my panties down and it takes him no time at all before he is inside me. I buck against him as my arms wrap around me. “Fuck yes, that feels so good.”
He fills me up completely. He leans up so he can see me. He just looks at me, doesn’t move, just looks at me. “I love you so much Emory.”
“I love you too.” He leans down and kisses me, there is so much passion and feeling in just that kiss. Slowly he starts moving his hips. He isn’t fast and hard, he is slow and steady. He is all passion and fire. He never breaks off the kiss, his body never separates from mine. I have never had anyone have this much feeling with me. I’ve never even seen it before.
I feel the tear before I realize I’m crying. I’m so overwhelmed. At the same time, I can feel my orgasm building, but it’s different. It’s stronger somehow, it’s in my toes and fingers. Suddenly, like I’ve been struck by lightening my entire body explodes. I scream out, grabbing onto his hair, my legs wrap around him as my hips buck and jerk. I feel like my body is coming apart.
He follows me with his own release. His seems to be just as explosive. He hasn’t ever been very vocal with his, but he lets out a guttural grown mixed with moan. Then he falls limp on top of me.
He lifts his head off my shoulder, staring at me with those incredible eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I know this is already hard for you. I should be more supportive and helping you. It’s just, I look at you and my heart feels like someone is squeezing the life out of it. I don’t know how to deal with feelings like this. I don’t want to let you go. I know I’m supposed to be the strong one. I’m supposed to be the smart one here, but I just can’t. Not today.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to be strong or supportive all the time. You’re human. You’re allowed to tell me how you feel. But we have talked about this. You are the one who said I have to learn to live on my own. Not to depend on validation of others. I have to learn the difference. You said that. And you are right. I have been so confused and fucked up my whole life. You saved me. I’ll never forget what you did for me. But now, I have to do this for myself. I do love you, I never thought I could feel this way. But I have to find out if I can still be happy by myself, or if this feeling is only because I’m with you. I have to be able to exist on my own. Otherwise, everything we did here was for nothing. I want more than anything to stay here with you. But I have to go back, even if it’s only for a little while. I promise, I will come back to come.” I see a myriad of emotions cross his face. Pride, happiness, sadness and anger.
“Damn it. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so good at my job. But, it’s like I have told you from the day you got here. I knew you were special. And I promise, I will wait for you. You were made for me.” He brushes his lips across mine as he runs his hands over my hair. My heart squeezes in my chest. I really hope this is the right thing. What if staying is the right thing to do? What if I lose him? I will never know, because I have to be whole all on my own.
I make it into New Orleans late that night. The entire family is waiting for me at the airport. Even Finley and Noah with their new baby. I feel so overjoyed at seeing all of them. And that baby, oh my goodness, I have never seen anything, or anyone more precious. I get a sudden pang of guilt when I look at her tiny face. Finley notices immediately. “Stop it, right now. Do you hear me. You are not allowed to feel anything but happiness and joy when you look at her.” I laugh and nod at her.
“Yes ma’am. Got it. Oh my gosh Fin, she is perfect. I mean it. She is your clone. Except with Noah’s hair. She is just, well perfect. I’m so happy for you guys. Well done.” They grab me and hug me. We all chat as we leave the airport. It feels good to be home. I take a deep breath as we walk outside, and the smell of the city washes over me. Home.
We all pile into Finley’s SUV and make our way to her house. I will be staying with them until I can get another apartment. I had to let mine go while I was away. But I don’t mind. “So how has everything been here? Any major news? Anything I need to know or might want to know?” they all look at me.
“No, nothing has been happening here. Just the same old crap. Work and work. You know us, boring and the same. What about you? How are things with you and Alex?” Noah is the one to answer and quick to ask about my relationship. I think he is the only one that didn’t approve. None of them were happy about it, but he has kind of taken on the role of big brother, so he was not happy about his friend fraternizing with a patient that happened to be his sister. But he is warming up to the idea.
“Um well, I mean things are good, I guess. I don’t really know where we stand right now. I’m trying to focus on me. He told me in the beginning that my main focus needed to be to learn to live on my own and not depend on others. I have to learn to love myself before I can love someone else. And he is right. But I do love him. I didn’t ever think I could find the one. And he is it. I won’t ever find someone like him. He wanted me to stay. He tried this morning to get me to stay there. But I have to do this. I have to see if I am ready to go it on my own, even if it’s just for a little while. And, you know what, it will also show us if we are the real deal. If we can be apart and still find our way back to each other.” Finley turns in her seat, she smiles at me when she sees I’m steady running my hands over Fiona’s little fingers and toes.
“You have changed. You are still Emory in all the best ways, but you aren’t the sad, lonely Emory anymore. I’m glad. That Emory broke my heart. I wanted to help her, and I didn’t know how. I’m beyond thrilled that you found your way.” I smile to myself. I do feel better. It’s not just for them. I can feel all throughout me. I can remember when Finley would tell me how they all saw me, and how I should see myself, and I just couldn’t. I hear her words now, and I believe her. I feel them. I feel like that girl she described to me so many times. I feel strong and confident.
We pull up to Finley’s and pile out of the car. Making our way into the kitchen, I head straight for the coffee pot. “Would anyone else like some coffee?”
“I would love some, I have to head over to the club in a little while and it’s going to be a long night.” Layla has been pretty quiet for the most part and that isn’t like her. Finley and Noah have made their way upstairs with my bags and to put Fiona down for the night. So, It’s just the 2 of us.
“Are you alright? You have been unusually quiet. Spit it out.” She rolls her eyes.
“Why does something have to be wrong just because I haven’t been talking your head off.” Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes. “Okay fine. But I’m only telling you this because I feel sorry for you.”
“Whatever. You’re a horrible liar. Just spit it out.” We both laugh a little. I realize just how much I have missed my sisters.
“Okay, so there is this guy.”
“Fuck me.” I sit down, because this is going to be good. There is never a guy when it comes to Layla. She has bootie calls. She doesn’t do relationships.
“Shut up and listen. So anyway, you know how I have bands come and play at the bar? Well back around Mardi Gras, this guy came in looking to get his band booked for some openings had. You know how busy it is during the season. Well I can’t even begin to describe this guy to you. I don’t know what it was, as soon as he walked through the door, it was like something in him attached to something in me. It was just instant. I could hardly speak to him. You know how out of character that is for me. But it was like my mouth wouldn’t cooperate. Em, I’m telling you, there is something about him. Anyway, he played a few weekends in a row, and he would text me constantly. He always stayed after he played, sitting at the bar drinking a little and flirting. We never went out or even kissed or anything. But then after a month or so it just stopped. I haven’t heard a thing from him. I know when a guy likes me, I know when they want me, and he does, or did. So, I have no idea what happened. I don’t know how to do anything but screw someone and never see them again except to maybe screw them again. I don’t do the whole talking about yourself. And I don’t know how to tell if he is good.” She slams her face down on her arms, like a little kid pitching a fit. I can’t help but laugh at her. She peeks up out of the corner. “What the fuck is so funny?”
“You, me, all of us. We are a set, aren’t we? I mean look at us. We are all different, but uniquely the same when it comes to relationships. Finley didn’t know what she was doing either. Because she had never done it. She waited, she was scared, and look at her now. She got it right. I certainly don’t know what to do. I have screwed up so many times I could probably write a what not to do in dating book. But I think I may have gotten it right with Alex. And you, you don’t know because you haven’t ever tried. But give it a go, you could be brilliant at it. Babe, you’re funny, smart, gorgeous, you have your own business, all he has to do is show up. If you don’t get it right, well try again. That’s why it’s called trying. We do it till we get it right.”
“He hasn’t even called me in over a month or so.”
“That could be anything. If you really have all these feelings, then you should give him the benefit of the doubt, at least once.”
“When did you get so smart and logical.” I shrug at her while I take a sip of my coffee. “I’m scared. What if I fall for him and he breaks my heart?”
“Then you heal, burn his shit and try again.” We burst out laughing. Finley walks in at that moment.
“What are y’all laughing about?”
“Men.” We both answer at the same time.
“Anything good? I could use a good laugh.”
“I was trying to get some advice on a guy I met.” Finley’s eyes go wide.
“What? Like to date?”
“Yes, Ms. Negative Nancy. To date. Geez, I have hashtag marriage goals too.” We all get a good laugh out of her for that one too.
“Okay sure miss onenight stand.” She gives me dirty look. Then chuckles under her breath. I’m exhausted from the day. I would stay up all night with these girls though. I have missed them way too much.
“Ladies, I love you and I have missed this so much. But I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed. I will see you tomorrow. Good night.” They both yell goodnight after me. I get upstairs and open my suitcase. I start to unpack, putting my clothes away. Most of my things are already here. They brought my stuff over from my apartment for me. Although looking at it now, I don’t think any of it is going to fit. I think I will go shopping tomorrow. The things I have with me from the last few months aren’t going to be enough. And definitely won’t work for the weather here. I remove the first layer of clothes and there is a box. I didn’t put that there. Alex. He must have snuck that in while I wasn’t looking. I sit down on the bed, taking the box and pulling the ribbon off. I pull the top off and push the paper aside. It’s a small wooden picture frame, inside is a black and white photo of me and him lying in a field of dandelions. I remember this day, it was a good day. We had laid there all afternoon, blowing the dandelions, making wishes, laughing and joking. He made love to me in that field, then held me until the sun went down. It was an amazing day. I don’t know when he took this picture though. But it’s gorgeous. My eyes are closed, and I’m mid blow with the dandelion flying apart around me. I place the picture on my nightstand. I pick up my phone and send him a quick message to let him know I made it, and to thank him for the picture. He answers immediately with a kissing emoji. I miss him already. But I can do this. I have to do this.
17
Alex
I can’t believe I did that. Why did I let her leave? I am so terrified I will never get her back. She is the most incredible woman I have ever met, and I just let her walk out of here. I know on some level I had to. She had to go, but I also know we could have been fine here too. No, fuck fine, we could have been amazing. I can’t stop pacing, I have walked the length of my office probably a million times. I never told her the truth either. I think that is what is really bothering me. I had so many chances and I never did. What is she going to do when she finds out? What will she think of me when she knows? She will hate me. She will never want to come back to me. I wouldn’t, and maybe that is why I didn’t want her to leave. I am the absolute worst kind of human. Who does this to someone they love? Well, I just can’t let her find out. I won’t let her find out. No one knows except my grandparents, well, and Samantha. I had to tell her, someone here had to be able cover for me when I was gone. I make my way to my desk and open up my computer. How do you tell the woman you love more than anything in the entire world that you are dying? I just don’t know how to tell her that. I don’t know how she would handle it. I don’t know how to handle it, I still haven’t fully accepted it. I would give anything, everything to be able to spend eternity with Emory. I want every second with her. But I couldn’t tell her that my time is limited. I couldn’t be selfish and ask her to please stay, because I may not be here in 6 months.
I look at my screensaver, a picture of me and Emory. In that moment I decide. I have to fight. I decide I will not accept what the last 3 doctors have told me. It can’t be this cut and dry. I make a decision to call Noah. He is by far one of the most driven, innovative and the smartest people I know. If he doesn’t know how to help, he will know someone who does. Dialing his number is extremely hard for me. But I finally manage to get it out. He answers almost immediately. “Alex, hey. It’s so good to hear from you. How are you?”
“I’m good. How are things down there? How is the baby?”
“She is amazing. Absolutely perfect.”
“That is wonderful. I’m so happy for you guys.”
“Thank you. We’re going to see you at the wedding, won’t we?”
“Absolutely. Actually, that is sort of why I was calling. I need a favor. And I need you to keep it between us if you can. I can’t have Emory finding out about this.” He gives a little chuckle.
“You got a big romantic gesture planned? If I know anything about those girls, I know they love those.” I take a deep breath.
“No, not exactly. I may in the future, but this doesn’t include her. I have cancer Noah. It’s not good. I have been to 3 of the top oncologists in the country and they all say the same thing. I have about a year. None of them will even touch it. I didn’t tell Emory. I didn’t want her to have more to deal with. And honestly there was a very big part of me that thought this was all a product of my tumor. I never thought anything would come of this. But my God I love that girl. I can’t not be with her. And now she loves me too. I have to do something. I have to fight this. I have to, for her, for us Noah. Will you please help me?” I’m sobbing at this point and I don’t even remember starting to cry.
“Oh Alex, fuck man. Okay, listen I need you to send me all your medical files. Everything you have. Let me go over it, I’ll contact some colleagues of mine and I’ll get back with you. We will come up with a plan. I know a couple people, we have some connections in the field. I have had some patients over the years with tumors, different cancers and there are a lot of options. There is never no option. I’ll be in touch, and Alex, it will be okay.”
“Thank you so much.” We hang up. I feel a slight bit of relief. I sit there for a few minutes, calming myself down. I finally look up at my computer again, deciding I have the ability to do a lot of research myself. I have done some before, but I got so depressed doing it that I stopped. Well now I have motivation. I have to find a way to get through this. First, I send all my records and files over to Noah. Then I get to work. I look up everything I can find on recent surgery options, new therapy, radiation advances and chemotherapy for tumors like mine. I have what is called a brainstem glioma. The tumor I have wraps around my brainstem. I have been getting radiation to keep it from spreading, but no one I have seen will go near it to remove it. I need someone who isn’t afraid of a challenge, I need someone willing to take the risk. I’m apparently going to die anyway, so why not risk it? It just gets more and more frustrating the more research I do, all the statistics and bullshit I read. Eventually I turn my computer off and push away from my desk. I can’t even see the words anymore. My vision gets worse every day. I’ve been throwing up more, and my coordination is beginning to become affected. I either have to have it taken care of or I have to tell Emory. I think I’m going to have to tell her either way.
