“Em, that’s amazing. I think you would be amazing. You could help so many people.” Before I know it, her arms are around me as she tries to hug me while I drive. I swerve on the road as I try to keep my hands on the wheel.

  “Whoa, easy there, you’re going to make me wreck.” I say as I laugh, but I’m also trying not to cry. I hate it when they get all emotional, it makes me emotional. My sisters have always been my biggest fans.

  We finally pull up to the condo, and instantly I can feel myself getting giddy. The beach for me is like a kid at Disney. I feel like butterflies are swarming around in my stomach. “Come on slow pokes, I’m ready to hit the beach.” They both roll their eyes at me. “Don’t give me that look. I have been away for months and missed this. Come on.” I start running, okay not running, but I walk really fast.

  We get changed and down on the beach within the hour. And it only took that long because Fin had to call and check on the baby, then we had to listen to her complain about how horrible she looked in her bathing suit, which she doesn’t, she is just crazy and hormonal.

  We take up our lounge chairs with our cooler by our sides. “Now this is relaxing. It feels amazing out here today.” Fin is finally getting into this weekend.

  “Exactly why we made you come.” We chuckle.

  “Thank you, guys. I did need this.”

  “We all did.” Layla says.

  “Let’s enjoy this beautiful day and then hit the bar tonight. This is going to be a great weekend.” We tip our bottles together in a cheers to the weekend.

  That was the last thing I remember before we are driving home on Sunday morning. We were drunk for 2 days straight. It was awesome. But now I’m paying for it. We all are. Driving home hungover is miserable. It makes the drive longer than normal. But we eventually make it. We all 3 head into Fins house. Layla and I both make our way upstairs and crash in her guest bed. I need to sleep some of this off before I try to get anything done.

  I wake up and it’s dark outside. Shit, I slept longer than I intended to. I grab my phone to check the time, it’s after 7. Well that’s not too bad. I make my way downstairs. I hear Fin and Noah arguing. That’s not like them. They never argue. I mean they do, but it’s usually very civil and well, nice. They have a very tamed way of settling disagreements and it frankly gets on my nerves. But this, this is different. She is pissed. And she doesn’t get pissed, not like this. I stand outside the kitchen, I don’t want to interrupt. I hear Fin say my name. “You can’t do this Emory, I won’t let you. She has a right to know. If you aren’t going to tell her then I will. I’m sorry, I know he asked you not to, but he didn’t ask me. She is my sister and I will not do this to her. Do you have any idea what this will do to her? If she doesn’t get to say goodbye? You can’t honestly think that is the right choice. Seriously Noah, what are you thinking?”

  “I’m thinking we just got her back. I’m thinking he knows her better, and it’s his choice whether or not she sees him in this condition. Not ours.”

  “Are you serious right now? If it was you, if you were there and didn’t want me there, I wouldn’t give a shit. I would be there by your side. There is no way I would let you die alone. No way in hell would you die alone in a hospital with no one.” That has my attention. What the fuck are they talking about? Who is dying and why don’t they want me there? I storm into the kitchen, catching them both off guard.

  “What is going on? Who is dying? And if it concerns me then I should be the one making the decision on whether or not to go.” Fin gives Noah a knowing look as she crosses her arms over her chest. He lets out a breath as he lowers his head. He leans back against the counter, bracing himself with his hands. Then he looks up at me with tears in his eyes. He never cries, but those are definitely tears. What the fuck.

  “It’s Alex.” My knees go weak and I stumble. Fin takes my arm and brings me to a chair. Everything after his name sounds like it’s coming through a tunnel. It’s muffled and doesn’t make much sense, but I try to hear him. “He has cancer. He has had it all along. He was getting treatments while you were there. They hadn’t given him much hope. He didn’t want to tell you, he never thought he would love you like he does. And he especially didn’t expect you to love him. Then, when you left, he wanted to fight. He called me. We got some more opinions. He collapsed that day. It spread. He wasn’t strong enough for surgery. They have been doing some stronger more intense treatments on it, waiting till he has gotten strong enough for surgery. They are not sure is going to regain his strength. He isn’t doing well. He didn’t want you to see him in the shape he is in. Fin thinks you should go to him. I don’t think it’s a good idea.” I snap my eyes up, realizing tears are pouring down, I look between them. I can’t think of anything. All I manage is one thing.

  “Where is he?” as I stand to leave.

  “Baltimore.”

  21

  Emory

  I sit on the bed and just look at the picture he sent with me. The two of us laying in a field of dandelions. He looks so healthy, and happy. Noah said he was getting treatments when I was there, how could I have missed it? How was I so blind, that he was sick, and I didn’t even notice?

  Then it dawns on me, I didn’t miss it. I did notice I asked him about it. I asked him about not seeing patients. He claimed it was because he owned the place. But I remember when I first got there, he did see patients. Not just me, I wasn’t his patient as a favor for Noah. I mean maybe I was, but he had other patients. I remember specifically one patient he had that was difficult and he always drank a glass of whiskey afterward. I also remember seeing a young girl, she couldn’t have been more than 17, she would always be getting there as I was leaving. But after a while they stopped coming. I never paid attention to the fact that his eating changed either, but now that I am actually thinking about it, his appetite did start to slowly decline. I just didn’t pick up on it. I was so engrossed in being in the moment, spending as much time with him as I could, I just didn’t think what he was eating was important. I’m such a fool. I never thought I should be paying attention to things like that. Why should I? I trusted him, I thought if something was wrong, he would tell me. Why wouldn’t he tell me? Why would he lie to me? He lied to me. He told me we had forever. He said he would never hurt me, and here I am going to say goodbye to this man that promised I would have him forever. That idiot. How could he make me love him and then leave me?

  I sit on my bed and cry, I cry like I haven’t cried since I was first at Harbor House with Alex. I haven’t hurt like this since then. I didn’t think I would ever have to feel this kind of hurt again.

  It’s only 4 hours later and I’m sitting on a plane, headed for Baltimore. I have been told what to expect when I get there, but I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what condition he will be in. I don’t know if he will be lucid enough to even know I will be there. Will I even make it in time? I can’t rest on the flight, I can’t stop shaking, checking my phone for the time, and just flat out jittering incessantly.

  We land late in the evening, I get my bag and make my way out of the airport as quickly as possible. I grab a cab waiting out front and instruct them to take me to the hospital as quickly as possible. It takes us almost an hour to get there through traffic. I already sent Samantha a message letting her know I was on my way. Noah told me she has been here with him the entire time. It makes me happy to know he hasn’t been alone.

  We pull up to the front entrance of the hospital, immediately I see Sam waiting through the double doors. I jump out, grabbing my bags and running in. I throw my arms around her, a sob breaks from my chest. I didn’t realize how strained I was until she pulled me into her. It just all came rushing out. “It’s okay Emory, you don’t have to hold it in anymore. But you need to let it out now. Go ahead and let it all out.” We move over to a row of seats by the front windows. She sits me down and hands me some tissue.

  “Oh God, I’m so sorry. I thought I got it all out before I left. I just don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t understand how he got this bad so fast. Fuck all. I hate being this out of control. How is he? Has there been any change?”

  “No, not really. He is still in and out. He has good days and bad days. They haven’t really given us any different news. They want to see how he does over the next couple of days. Then they will run some more tests. It’s a bunch of guessing if you ask me.” She answers me. “We can go up when you’re ready.” I wipe my face. Trying to get myself together as best as I can.

  Walking down the hall, we turn the corner and stop in front of door 427. I feel absolutely frozen, Sam is walking into the room and I’m rooted to the spot. I don’t know if I can do this. I look to her and there is sympathy in her eyes. Sympathy I don’t deserve. She has known him far longer than I have. She is like a sister to him. Why should she be comforting me? I should be holding her, telling her it will be okay. I came intending to be strong for them, and here I am falling apart. I’m just not strong enough for this. Her strong brown eyes meet mine, they don’t waiver, there is no question in them, “you can do this Emory. I know you. I know what’s inside you. You haven’t gotten to a place where you believe it yet, but I know what you are capable of. You are one of the strongest people I know. All you have to do is believe in yourself. I love Alex more than most people. He needs you right now. He could make it. He could pull through this, but he needs you.” She walks towards me and takes my hands, getting up close to my face where she knows I’m uncomfortable. “He has to know he has something to live for. Show him.” I let the tears fall from eyes and give her a curt nod. Squaring my shoulders as I take a deep breath, we walk through the door to see the man I love more than anything.

  I was right. I was not prepared for what I would see when I walked through the door. In the few weeks we have been apart, Alex has lost weight, a lot. His hair is gone, which is okay, he is still the most beautiful man I have ever set eyes on. I suppose he probably looks like I did when I first came to him. Now, looking at him like this, laying there with wires everywhere, his hair gone and his face sunken in, I can absolutely understand what he meant when he said he could see past the abuse. He is still beautiful. All I see is my Alex. I drop my things and move to the bed, climbing in beside him while I avoid all the wires and tubes, I lightly wrap myself around him. He is warm and still feels so good to me. I lay my head in the crook of his neck while I run my hand over the side of his face. I immediately start to hum ‘You are my sunshine.’ Tears run from my eyes, as I start to actually sing the words to him. I stay like that until my tears stiffen my cheeks, and I fall asleep.

  I wake up to the sound of a nurse shuffling around in the room. I look over, she is on the other side of the bed doing different things with his wires and tubes. She gives me a sad smile, she doesn’t say anything about me being in the bed with him. Slowly and gently I move from the bed. Sam is asleep in the chair. I look over at the clock, it’s well past midnight. I take my bag and make my way into the bathroom, I need to change and, well, some other things. I also wanted to give the nurse some time to do what she needs to do. I take my time, washing my face, brushing my teeth and taking my medicine. I need to be as strong as I can be while I’m here. When I make my way back out to his room, the nurse is finishing up. She looks over to me, “I’m Missy. I’m the night nurse during the week. If you need anything you just call me okay.” I smile over at her. She can’t be over five feet tall. White hair tied up in a bun and the most beautiful skin I have ever seen on a woman that is clearly old enough to be my grandmother, I only say that because of her hair. If it wasn’t for that I would swear she was in her thirties. She is gorgeous. And has that face, you know the one, kind. She just looks like the kind of person that I bet everyone just sits and talks to, no matter what.

  “Thank you, Missy. I appreciate that. I’m Emory. I don’t want to be a bother. It’s not your job to take care of me but thank you. Thank you for taking care of Alex.” She stops what she is doing and just looks at me.

  “He told me about you. On one of his good days. I’m glad you came. It will do him good.” She turns and looks at him again. Running her hand over his head, “he is looking better. His color is a lot better. I think he is starting to respond to the treatment. It’s a good sign.” She turns back to me.

  “I don’t really know what is going on. I just found out yesterday that he was sick. So, I’m kind of just waiting for the doctors to come in and explain to me what exactly is going on.” She gives another one of her sad, sympathetic smiles.

  “I don’t know a lot dear, but I do know this. He is going to be alright. You coming here, it will give him the strength he needs to pull through. A lot of people don’t believe in the power of inner strength and having something to fight for, but I’ve been doing this a long time and I can tell you from experience that those that have something, or rather someone to live for, well they live. You have to have a reason to fight dear. And he does.” For some reason her words give me hope.

  22

  Emory

  I wake up to light shining through the window. Sam is sitting next to the bed, silently watching Alex as he sleeps, or doesn’t, I’m not really sure what to call what it is he is doing. He doesn’t wake up, so can it really be considered sleeping. I don’t think so. I’m scrunched up on the small sofa like contraption they have against the wall. I would have slept on the floor it necessary. I move my legs over the side and stretch out some of the soreness, which I will also take over not have anything at all. It is an amazing feeling, this sadness and excruciatingly overwhelming grief at the thought of possibly losing this man that I feel like I was just blessed with. But at the same time, I have this other feeling that is trying to surface. Something inside me is screaming at me, telling me to appreciate this life, to be so thankful and grateful that I am still here. I took for granted so many times that I was here, the love that I had from my family and friends and I deliberately tried to throw it away. As I sit here, I look at Alex, fearing he will slip away from me, and I can’t help but be so thankful that no one ever let me slip away. I have so much more life to live. With that thought I make a silent promise to Alex, I vow to never waste another second of my life. He saved me, he valued me, and my life and I will not waste it by feeling sorry for myself or doubting myself anymore. Whether he makes it out of here or not, I will make every second count. For him.

  I’m just making my way out of the bathroom when two doctors come in the room. I stop when I see them and stand back against the wall. They both look over to me and give me a small nod. After looking over his chart for a few minutes and talking between themselves, I can’t take it anymore. I step forward, “I’m sorry, I know you are very busy and I’m sure you have a lot of patients to see, but I was wondering if you could please explain exactly what is going on with him. I would like to know where we are as far as his care, his options and what we can expect from here. I wasn’t given much information, so I’m sorry. I was just told about this yesterday, maybe. It’s all kind of blending together at this point. But I just need someone to just tell me what’s going on.” They both look at each other, then to me. I feel like the room is closing in on me. My heart is starting to pound faster, and I can’t breathe. “Excuse me, I’m sorry.” I step over to my bag, taking out my medicine I take some for anxiety. I take a deep breath and turn back around. I nod my head letting them know it was okay to continue.

  “Ms. Carson, apologies. Your brother in law called us to let us know you were coming. We are glad you came, we didn’t agree with his decision not to tell anyone of his illness. Something like this requires a support system. I’m Dr. Day and this is my colleague Dr. Stinson. We took over Alex’s case a couple weeks ago. He was already fairly advanced by the time we took over his care. He has a brain stem Glioma. Basically, the cells in the brain and the brain stem are abnormal and grow out of control. His tumor is a grade 3 astrocytoma. Originally, he was told surgery was not an option. He was being treated with radiation. The tumor had grown when he had gotten to us, not significantly, but enough that it was affecting his sight and daily activities. He had a minor episode, which caused us to wait to perform the operation. We wanted to wait until he was stable and could withstand the surgery itself. We are still waiting for him to be strong enough for the surgery. In the meantime, he has been receiving Proton Radiation Therapy. This type of therapy differs from typical radiation as it will target only the tumor, there is less damage to surrounding good tissue, it works to break the cancer up from the inside out. It’s fairly new treatment, but it’s a wonderful and thorough new treatment. We are very hopeful. Right now, we are waiting for him to respond to a few other things. That being said, it’s a waiting game at this point. I’m sorry I don’t have better news as far as that goes. I certainly hope it changes in the next few days.” I can feel the tears, I reach up and wipe them away. I hadn’t felt Sam move next to me and take my hand either.

  “Thank you. I appreciate all the information. And I appreciate everything you have done for him. If there is anything, I can do to help him,”

 

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