Sacrifices, p.35
Sacrifices, page 35
I’m the recipient of another wholesome beautiful smile. “Of course.”
We hit a lull in the conversation, leaving time to actually look at our menus, so when the waiter comes back, we’ve made our decisions.
“I’ll have the vegetarian enchilada,” Honor tells him.
“And I’ll have the house sirloin. Can you bring us an order of onion rings and sweet potato fries,too, please?”
“Sure.” He takes our menus and leaves us alone again.
“Let’s go.” I take Honor’s hand and lead us back to our dance floor on the lake.
I press the play button on my phone and let Ingrid Michaelson’s version of “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You” lead us into dance. Of course I pick this song, because I hear Honor playing it on her piano all the time. I know it’s this version too, because she has her iPad sitting atop the piano while the song plays and she accompanies it. In my heart, I pretend she’s playing the song for me, but I can’t get past the idea that it could be Storm that her heart feels when she hears the song.
“I love this song,” she says so passionately while hanging on to me.
“I know you do,” is my simple reply.
“This whole night has been so sweet, Ethan. I can’t believe you did this.”
“Only for you, angel.”
My whole body turns warm when Honor’s cheek inadvertently touches mine mid-dance. The smell of coconut that rises from her neck reminds me of the sweet summer sun, and I smile to myself. Honor is the human equivalent to the sweet summer sun. Honor is my sun. She makes my world go ‘round. I just wish I could be the reason her world goes around.
Chapter Five
During dinner, conversation is light until Honor brings up Shelby Marcus.
“What did you just say?” I ask, afraid I heard her wrong.
“I said that Shelby’s coming over Monday after school.” Honor puts a forkful of her enchilada in her mouth.
“Why?” I hold back from telling her that’s a bad idea.
Honor’s mouth still full, she shrugs and shakes her head. Waiting impatiently for her to swallow her food, I take a bite of my own food before saying something that will ruin this evening even further.
“She called me today to see how I’ve been. We talked a bit, and she asked if she could come over.” Honor, unaffected by my reaction, takes another bite of her dinner.
“Honor, I don’t like the idea of her hanging around you.” I push my plate away, because suddenly I’m sick to my stomach.
“Why? What’s the matter with Shelby? We kind of became friends after the whole incident.”
“That’s the whole reason, Honor.” I tap my fingers on the table, because I’m trying to keep my cool, but it just doesn’t happen. “I don’t like her,” I say honestly. “She’s the whole reason you’re...you’re here in the first place. Had you not saved her from dying of bone cancer, your heart may still be strong enough to beat forever on its own.” Because I can’t stay still, I stand.
“Where’re you going, Ethan? What’s the problem?” Honor puts her hand to her chest as if it hurts.
Instead of walking away, I kneel down beside her. “I’m so sorry, Honor. I’m causing stress. Your heart hurts?”
“No, Ethan. Sit down. I’m fine. The food is spicy, that’s all. I just felt a little indigestion. But I do feel angry, so I know that’s coming from you.”
“I’m sorry. I just...I’ve had a problem with Shelby since the beginning. I hate that she used to bully you, and then you went and saved her life.” I stand back up and motion for Honor to follow me. At the farthest railing that overlooks the lake, I say, “If you hadn’t pulled her from death, you might not be here like this today.”
Honor chuckles. “And saving a plane load of people had nothing to do with it?”
It has everything to do with it, but because I don’t understand it, nor do I know those people, of course I need someone to blame. So I blame Shelby Marcus. “Why did you do that, Honor? Why did you risk your life for them?”
She nibbles her bottom lip and closes her eyes. When she opens them, tears are threatening to escape. “I told you. It hurt so bad I felt like I was dying. It was impossible to ignore them. Impossible. Ethan,” she wipes at a stray tear, “if you felt what I felt, I think you would have done the same. It’s like...it’s like, I hear the screams, you know, of all these people. Some of them kids. And I feel the screaming. The torment. The agony. They were all crying in the worst pain they had ever imagined. And to stand there, knowing I could take that away from them...well, how could I have chosen to turn away? How could I do that?” Another tear falls, but she ignores it, letting it drip over her lip as she asks. “How could I live with myself if I just ignored them?”
I move in and pull her close. My eyes are tearing now. It’s not just her words that get me. It’s what my heart is feeling that causes my wrecked emotions. Like I had said earlier, my heart is unprotected now. Especially wh
“I’m so sorry, Honor,” I say, taking her hand. “I’m sorry I doubted you. I’m sorry I made you tell me the whole fucking story again. I’m just...I’m just so sorry.”
At this point, I don’t know whether I am comforting her or she is comforting me, but we’re both holding on to each other as I we couldn’t breathe without the other. I can feel her heartbeat against my chest, it’s pounding so hard. Then again, mine is pounding too, so it could be both of our heartbeats competing with each other. Now that I’ve opened my heart, I feel so selfish for keeping my powers locked up inside me. Though I hate to see Honor suffering the way she is now, I don’t blame her for saving the lives she’s saved. Because right now, my chest hurts so badly that all I want to do is save Honor from herself. Alas, I can take away her immediate pain, but I can’t heal her heart.
The one and only thing she needs to keep her alive.
Holding on to her snugly yet comfortably, I use my hand to press firmly on her back, right behind her heart. I close my eyes and concentrate on releasing her suffering of the memories of that night. Gradually, I feel her heart slow down and her breathing return to normal. Thankfully, because we had been so wrapped up in our emotions, she doesn’t realize I am trying to take away her pain.
When both of us have shed our last tear, she looks me in the eyes. “What other songs you got on that playlist of yours?”
Planting a smiling kiss on her forehead, I take her hand and lead her back to the dance floor. The next song on my playlist is Passenger’s “Let Her Go” - a song I chose for me. I wrap my arm around her waist as she drapes her arms above my shoulders, clasping her hands behind my neck.
“Thank you for making me feel better,” she whispers into my ear.
Not knowing whether she’s talking about purposely taking her pain away a minute ago or just in general, I say, “What do you mean?”
She slaps me gently on the shoulder. “I mean, I know what you just did back there. Thank you.”
“Oh. You felt that?”
Looking into my eyes, she says, “I feel everything.”
“You do, don’t you?” And I’m sad when I say this, because it’s not fair for such a young girl to have to take on the weight of the entire world.
When the night is over and we’ve eaten the last of the tiramisu we’d ordered for dessert, I’m sad to see the evening end. It may not have gone how I intended it, but it was nice to be with Honor alone again.
“I appreciate tonight, Ethan. Thank you,” Honor says again in the car on the way home.
“You’re welcome.” I glance at her, still keeping my eyes on the road. “I’m sorry you had to miss the prom though.”
“It’s okay. I really never thought I’d ever go to one. I mean, my mom always home-schooled me until this year, so it’s not like it’s something I always dreamed about.”
Nothing I say to that would sound appropriate, so I say nothing.
“But tonight, it was really special. I loved it.”
“Again, you’re welcome. You deserve good things, Honor.”
The rest of the ride is silent, but when we get to her house, I walk her to the door and kiss her on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“I’d like that,” she says smiling.
I give her another kiss on the cheek and stand there until she goes inside and closes the door. When the light in the window turns dark, I turn, and with my head held low, I walk back to my car.
Chapter Six
Today, I wake up with a smile. All night, I’d dreamed about dancing with Honor, and this morning, I can still smell the coconut scent she was wearing last night. I grab my pillow and hold it across my chest, longing for a day a could hold Honor in my bed. I let my thoughts linger for a while before getting up and showering. Because most of the senior class is headed for the shore this morning, I decide to bring bagels to Honor and hang with her for the day. Maybe we can even go for a drive. I’ll let her decide. It may not be the shore, but at least she won’t be alone.
When I show up at her front door, Mrs. Stevens tells me she’s out back with Storm. I’m not going to lie, I’m disappointed but not surprised. I go around back from the outside instead of going through the house, and find her up in the tree with him. The exact same place I found them when he was begging for the elixir. It almost seems like a lifetime ago. They don’t hear me approach, but before I can let them know I’m here, their conversation stops me in their tracks.
“So, he really made a playlist?” Storm asks Honor.
“Yeah. He was sweet.”
I feel guilty listening in on them, but I know they are talking about last night, and I’m really curious about what she says.
“Were you happy at least?” There’s a tone in Storm’s voice that tells me he is genuinely concerned about her happiness.
“Yeah. I was. It was nice to go out like that.”
“He’s a good kid,” Storm says, and I just can’t get used to this side of him.
“What’s up, Storm?” she asks.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, why the turnaround all of a sudden? You don’t call him loser anymore, and, well, you seem like you, I don’t know, like, maybe you...want me to be with him.”
“Is that so bad, princess?”
“Well, you’re not the same. You’re, you’re not you.”
Storm struggles to laugh. “Then who am I?” I can tell he’s trying to downplay it.
“Storm, stop, you’re not the same. You’re too, you’re too calm or something.”
“Princess, please, I’m fine.”
“Are you eavesdropping?” I jump, startled by the voice behind me.
“God, Tam, you scared me.”
“You are eavesdropping, aren’t you?” she whispers.
“No.”
“Come ‘ere,” she whispers again, pulling me back to the front of the house.
“I wasn’t eavesdropping. I was just—”
“Cool it. I really don’t care,” Tamlin interrupts. “I just wanted to ask you what your plans are today.”
Sticking my hands in my pockets, I shrug. “I don’t know. I just figured I’d hang with Honor today, but I see that someone else already had that idea.”
“Storm?” she asks.
“Uh, yeah,” I reply, shaking my head.
“Nah, he’s just checking up on her. He’d leave you alone if you wanted him to.”
“Yeah, what’s his deal? Before the accident he would never have let me alone with Honor. Now he’s encouraging it? I don’t get it.”
Tamlin gives me one of those pity smiles, but I think she’s feeling sorry for Storm, not me. “He’s a mess, Eeth.”
“As in?”
“As in he is so afraid of losing Honor that he won’t do anything to stress her out. He’s popping Xanax like they’re candy, just so he’ll have no emotions around her. It’s crazy.”
“I don’t understand,” I tell her, because I don’t.
“He’s trying to just zone out. He doesn’t want her to feel his fear or sadness or anything at all, because he thinks she’ll feel it and stress herself out. I don’t like what this is doing to him. He’s like a...like a zombie or something.” Tamlin clicks her tongue in disappointment.
“So...what? Are we not as good friends to Honor because we’re not hiding our feelings?” I say, knowing I’m being defensive.
“No, Ethan. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying Storm’s crazy. Honor is worried about him anyway, so it’s not doing any good for him to be doing this.”
“He sounded fine to me.” Maybe not, but I’m not going to act all concerned about him. I’m still trying to figure out his angle.
“Then you weren’t eavesdropping long enough.” She crosses her arms in front of her chest.
“I wasn’t eavesdrop—”
“Yeah, I don’t want to hear it. Listen, the reason I asked what you were doing today is because my mom is letting me take the boat out, and I thought we could go for a drive on Lake Hopatcong.” She uncrosses her arms and rubs her neck.
“You have a boat license?” I don’t believe her.
“Indeed I do, bud. So...you wanna go? Your uncle called Eli and Hunter out sick from school today and Shelby said she’d like to spend some time—”
“Shelby? No fucking way. Talk about upsetting Honor. She’s the one who put her in this position in the first place.” I rub my hands on my jeans. I’m getting very tense.
Tamlin knocks me on the arm. “Stop. Shelby and Honor are friends. They were awkward at first, but in class and stuff, they were always laughing together. Shelby cares about Honor. She owes Honor her life, and she realizes that.”
“Yeah, but why today? Isn’t she going down the shore with the rest of the prom crew?”
“Nope. She was at the prom last night, but she went alone. Hung out with Eli and me.”
“Eli. Was he the only sophomore at the prom?” I joke.
Tamlin chuckles. “Yeah. He loved it.” She yanks my forearm and leads me to the backyard. “C’mon, let’s go tell Honor and Storm about the boat.”
“Storm?” I stop in place.
“Yes, Ethan, Storm. We’re all friends. C’mon. For Honor.”
Shaking my head, I head again to the back.
“Yo, tree people,” Tamlin yells when we reach the yard.
“Hey,” Honor says with a smile and climbs slowly down the tree. But not before I see her give Storm some kind of secret look—maybe a look of apology, maybe a look of regret.
Shaking it off, I approach Honor and give her a hug and a soft kiss on the cheek.
Storm stays up in the tree and leans his head against its trunk.
“Tam has a surprise,” I say, taking Honor’s hand momentarily.
Honor looks at her best friend. “Oh yeah? Hey, how was the prom?”
“Boring. How was yours?”
Honor smiles at me and blushes. “Wonderful.” Looking back at Tamlin, she says, “So what’s your surprise?”
“Wanna go on the boat?” Tamlin is beaming.
“Your mom’s letting you take it out?”
“Yup. So how ‘bout it? You up for a ride on the lake?”
The sun dances off of Honor’s huge smile. She seems genuinely excited to go for a boat ride. “I’d love to.”
“Great. Go get ready.” Tamlin gives her a big huge hug again before Honor skips inside.
“Boy, didn’t you just make her happy,” I tell Tamlin.
“What are friends for?” Tam answers me, but keeps her gaze on Storm. “So what about you, Storm? You coming too?”
“Storm. She’s talking to you,” I yell up to him.
“Oh. What?” Storm jumps down from the tree.
“You want to come on my boat today? Mom’s lending it to me.” She’s practically dancing, she’s so full of life. So opposite from what Honor has been these days.
“Thanks. But I’ll hang back,” Storm deadpans.
Because I really have nothing to say about the whole thing, I sit on the picnic table, propping my feet on the bench. But I do watch Storm’s actions, which are very sluggish. If he’s not popping Xanax, he’s sure on something.
“C’mon, Storm. This could be her last—” Tamlin stops herself from finishing that sentence, but Storm tenses. His eyes get big, and his face turns red.
I hop off the table, because I’m afraid he’s going to rush Tamlin.
“I...I didn’t mean that,” Tamlin apologizes, her voice shaky. “Honestly, I just...it’s been on my mind, and I’m trying not to act it, and I just, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking when I said that.”
Wrapping my arm around Tamlin’s shoulder, I try to console her. “It’s okay. It’s on all our minds.”
When I look at Storm, he’s relaxed a bit, but he’s staring into space.
“Hey,” I say and poke him in the shoulder. “You okay?”
His eyes move to mine, but his body doesn’t.
“Storm,” Tamlin says. She leaves my side and takes his arm. “Storm, you need to get a grip.” Tamlin walks him to the picnic table and pushes him down on the bench. Her pale blond hair flips in the wind. That’s when I realize she’s down. She may act all chipper, but when she’s depressed, she bleaches her hair back to its normal color.
“You know, Storm,” I start to say. “She’ll be okay. I’m sure they’ll find her a heart in time.” I do believe that. I do.
Again, he just looks at me, but this time, he closes his eyes. He keeps them closed, even after Tamlin sits on his lap.
With her finger under his chin, she brings her face close to his. “You need to get off that stuff you’re taking. You’re not supposed to pop Xanax like they’re M&Ms.”
Storm’s eyes are still closed, so Tamlin shakes his arm.
“Stop this,” she screams in his face. “You’re making Honor hurt even more.”
This got his attention. His eyes jerk open and he stares at Tamlin, who’s nearly nose to nose with him. There are tears pooling in his eyes.
She stares at him nose to nose. “I’m sorry, Storm, but it’s the truth,” she says much softer now. “She’s worried about you.”
