Sacrifices, p.47
Sacrifices, page 47
Ethan runs his fingers along my almost tan hand. “I can tell.” He smiles. “But Storm already told me. I’m happy for you. You didn’t need that anymore. You’ve been through too much already.”
“I guess.” He abruptly stops stroking my hand.
“Now you can finally enjoy life without the burden of everyone else inside you.”
When Ethan sips his coffee again, I realize he’s stalling. There’s a reason why Storm took Shelby away and Ethan took me for tea. “What’s going on, Eeth? I know you’re hiding something.”
Bringing his hands together and to his lips, he looks like he’s readying himself for prayer. In reality, he’s readying himself to tell me whatever bad news it is he needs to divulge. Seconds pass, though they feel like minutes, as he takes several clearing breaths, before finally uttering, “I’m going away tonight.”
“Vacation?” I ask, knowing damn well he wouldn’t be taking me for tea if that were the case.
“No. Not vacation.” His words are clipped, but he doesn’t seem angry. Just sad. “I’ll be gone for some time.” I watch as his eyes glisten with sadness.
Biting the inside of my lip, I taste blood. I’m so nervous that the pain of drawing blood is more pleasant than the cluster of rope that has formed inside my stomach.
“I’m going to Virginia.” He states as a matter of fact.
I was not expecting that. “What’s in Virginia?”
The casting of his eyes on his paper coffee cup lends me to believe Virginia is not his location of choice.
The corner of his lip quirks. Then his bottom lip trembles a hair. “The CIA.”
I am inundated with fear—the same fear I felt in the bathroom that day with Ethan. Clasping my heart with one hand, and covering my mouth with the other, I panic. “Ethan. No.” I cry. My body shakes involuntarily. “No. They can’t—” I am so distraught that I can’t complete my sentence. My biggest fear has come true. The government wants to take us apart piece by piece to see what makes us what we are. “You...you...can’t...you can’t go.”
“Honor.” He pulls my hand from my mouth. “They’re not taking me. I volunteered.”
“What?” The word comes out of my mouth, but I don’t hear it. How could he volunteer to let the CIA have their way with them?
“I volunteered.” The intensity at which he stares me in the eyes is frightening.
“Why?” I barely breathe the word out. My heart is straining to beat.
“If I go voluntarily,” he swallows hard, “they’ll work with me on my terms instead of theirs.” His hand still holds mine and I feel it tremble. He’s scared.
“You believe that?” There’s no way he really believes that the government will work on his terms.
Ethan shrugs. “I gotta believe it, Honor. I got no choice.”
I start tapping at my chest with my knuckles. “There has to be a way out, Ethan. Maybe—” I’m about to say, “Maybe you can run,” but he shouldn’t have to. Not alone anyway. “Maybe we can all run away together. You, me, Storm, your brothers, and Uncle Tom. My parents will understand. As long as we’re all together.”
Releasing my hand from my chest, Ethan takes my other hand as well. “We’re not running away. That’s no life for you. I won’t let that happen.”
“But—”
“But nothing. Your parents may understand, but they’ll never get over the fact they’d never see their daughter again.”
I drop my head in defeat. “Oh, Ethan.” Lifting my gaze to meet his eyes again, I see him through thick liquid, distorted and blurry. “What if...what if you run? With your brothers, so you’re not alone.”
Ethan blinks away the pooling gel in his eyes. “I can’t do that.”
“Why not?” I squeeze his hands so hard he flinches. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m impressed. You’ve gotten your strength back.” He laughs, though mirthlessly.
“It’s not funny, Ethan. Why can’t you just run? Hide out or something?”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
His face frozen in terror, he stares at me motionless.
“Why, Ethan?” I yank my hands from his grasp. “What aren’t you telling me?” I push the table at him to stir a response. “Tell me,” I shout then look around to see everyone in the cafeteria looking at me.
Pushing the table out from his stomach, Ethan stands. “Let’s go, Honor. Not here.”
I let him take my hand and walk me out of the building. Down the side stairs sits an isolated tree. Ethan coaxes me up against the tree and sets his hands around my upper arms. “I can’t run, Honor.” His voice is stern yet quiet.
“Why?” I choke out.
Again he stares right into my eyes. His bright violet irises pierce through mine. “Because they’ll come after you.” The words are spoken so low that it takes an extra second to register them.
I’m silent.
“They want you, Honor. But I won’t let them have you.” He lowers his hands down my arm and takes my wrists. “They said if I come willingly, and they get what they need, they’ll reconsider coming to get you.”
Everything clenches. My stomach, my heart, my lungs. I can’t breathe. I ball up my fists and want to punch something. This is all my fault. Everything Ethan has to go through is my fault. I fight to remove my wrists from Ethan’s hold, but he hangs on to them. I want to thrash at something, but he won’t let me. I am angry. Angry at myself for being what I am. What I was. When my sobs get stronger than my will to throw a punch, I slide down the tree, taking Ethan with me.
“I’m sorry,” I’m finally able to say.
He lifts me onto his lap and strokes my hair as I lean into his chest. “Don’t be sorry, Honor. It’s not your fault, it’s mine, for coming here in the first place. I owe you this.” His breath in my hair feels comfortable.
Into his chest, I mumble, “I’m sorry I broke up with you, Ethan. I really do love you, it’s just—”
“Shh.” His fingers twist a few strands of my hair. “I know where your heart lies. I’m okay with being your friend.”
My throat catches another of my sobs. “But now...why do you have to go? I’m not an empath anymore. Let them take me. They’ll see they’ll get nowhere and send me back.” I pull away so I can look at him.
His sad smile is back. “I’m afraid it won’t work that way. What if they think you’re faking it and decide to cut you open to check for real?”
Oh my God.
“They’re ruthless. They want our DNA. They’re going to do what they can to get it.” When his hand drops to my knee, that familiar feeling for Ethan returns.
“But what if they do that to you?” I lay my hand on top of his.
“I’m cooperating with them. They won’t.” When his hand turns upside down, he wraps it around mine. The tingles that shoot through my limbs may not be electric like when I feel Storm’s touch, but they’re still there, and I still miss the days when I was Ethan’s girlfriend.
“How long will they keep you?”
He shrugs. “A while. They want me working for them. You know, if someone important, like the President, gets shot, he doesn’t have to die.”
“Oh my goodness, so they’re going to make you heal whomever they want? Whenever they want?”
“Pretty much. Otherwise they’ll try to clone my DNA...make another empath.”
“Oh my God. You have to do this forever?”
“I hope not. But I am immortal, remember.”
“Do they know that?”
Nodding his head, he tells me, “I thought it’d be another reason for them to leave you alone. Of course, they don’t believe me, but they’ll figure it out soon enough.”
“Did you tell them everything? Like how when empaths kill, they become—”
“I felt I had no choice but to tell them everything, Honor. The more I divulged, the less interested in you they became.”
I want to cry all over again. I hate that this new heart is so strong, because to me it feels like it hurts worse than my other heart, because this pain that I’m feeling is all my own. An intense and unpleasant sensation spreads from my heart, like tentacles, crawling through every vein and nerve ending in my body. This is the end for Ethan. He will never be a free man again. “Oh my God, Ethan, what kind of life will you have? You’ll be a slave to them—”
“It’s not that bad, Honor. They’re actually paying me. They’ve even set up a nice apartment for me in Langley.”
“Langley?”
“Virginia. It’s where their headquarters are. I’m free to come and go as I please. Like a regular employee, but...if I quit...well, I’m not sure what’ll happen to you, so I just. Won’t. Quit.”
The urge to hug him takes over, so with both my arms, I pull him tight against me and hug him like there’s no tomorrow. ‘Cause essentially, where Ethan and I are concerned, there is no tomorrow.
While wrapped in our embrace, I ask into his neck, “Can I visit you?”
He sighs into my ear. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, angel. They’ll be watching my apartment. If they see you, it just may be incentive enough for them to take you anyway.”
“I’m so sorry it didn’t work out between us, Ethan.” I whisper. “I really am.”
He holds me tighter and I feel something drip onto my hair.
Ethan’s crying.
And again, I cry.
And slink into Ethan’s arms for what may be the very last time.
Chapter Twelve
Many moments have passed before Storm and Shelby find us under the tree.
“You guys all right?” Storm asks, walking slowly toward us.
With Ethan still holding me, I feel kind of guilty, but I have a feeling Storm doesn’t mind. At least it doesn’t appear so on his face.
Then the thought hits me. “Does Shelby know?” I whisper to Ethan.
He nods. “Yeah.”
Why was I the last to know? Wiping my face with my palms, I climb out of Ethan’s lap and stand. Ethan follows.
“Do you need more time?” Storm’s looking at me as if gauging my reaction.
Ethan shrugs. “I told her.”
“He can’t go,” I cry to Storm, as if he can do anything about it.
“It’s either him or you, Honor.” He shakes his head. “Ethan insists it’s him.”
“It’s all my fault,” I declare over the gigantic mass in my throat. “It should be me.”
“But you’re not an empath anymore, Honor,” Shelby says innocently.
“But...it’s just—”
“Honor,” Ethan puts his arm around me and pulls me to his side. “Stop. It’s something I want to do.” He pulls me away from Shelby and Storm. “I couldn’t live with myself if I declined them and they came after you. Empath or not, they know you healed more than a dozen people on the flight.”
I hiccup, trying to keep my crying to myself.
“They’re not going to just accept that you’re no longer an empath. And that’s another thing I don’t want to explain—you have to die and be brought back to life in order to lose your abilities? I dread it if they find that out. What they wouldn’t try, knowing that. For now they think it’s the heart transplant that did it.” He tilts his head and grazes my chin with his fingertips. “I led them to believe the abilities stem from the heart...one day they may find out the truth...but I’ll worry about it then.” He laughs, but not a real laugh. “If they don’t have another empath to heal me, I figure they won’t kill me, right?”
“Oh, Ethan.” He pulls me into his arms and I squeeze him tight.
“Uncle Tom and my brothers left this morning.”
I pull my head back. “What?”
“They’re going to start over somewhere else.” Ethan shakes his head. “We didn’t want the government looking into them. Right now they don’t know they exist...well, hopefully.”
“This is just horrible.” I close my eyes and sink into his chest. “I’m gonna miss you so much.”
“Me too, angel.” His voice catches and I know he’s crying too. “But I’ll always be here.” He taps my heart. “You know that, don’t you? I will always be in your heart and you’ll always be in mine."
His words make me convulse in his arms. “Oh, Ethan.” My heart squeezes underneath my chest. Through the pain, I finally say, “You’ll always be in my heart. Always. Always.” Pausing to catch my breath, I try to inhale his scent and remember it always. “You were my first love, Ethan. I could never forget you. Ever.”
The top of my head feels damp. “You were mine too, Honor. Thank you for opening up my heart. I—” He doesn’t finish, he’s crying too hard. “Oh my God, Honor—” His hand moves from my back, to his mouth. “Oh my God, I...I—”
I want to wrap him up and never let him go. “I’m so sorry. So. Sorr—” Words just won’t come out, the pain hurts too much. This new heart is different than my old one. Its capacity to hurt is much greater than my own. My old one would have drained all my emotions and shut down. This one catches fire and ignites tiny embers throughout my entire body. There is no escaping this kind of hurt. Unlike before, my body doesn’t just drop to the floor and pass out. But right now, I want to die. Because of me, a boy I love is sacrificing his life.
Then it occurs to me. Storm had sacrificed his life too.
I am a monster to allow this. To allow everyone I love to die for me. It’s...it’s...inexcusable.
Finally, I get out what I need to say. “No. You can’t go, Ethan. You can’t. Let them come after me. I don’t care. If it’s me they want, then it’s me they’ll get. I’m not worth this, Ethan.”
Holding me at arm’s length, he tilts his head and smiles. “I’ve made my decision, Honor.” He wipes at his face. “And I’m okay with it. Aside from missing you, I’m really okay with it.”
Into his arms, I fall again.
“No. This isn’t the life you chose. You shouldn’t have to—”
“Stop.” He interrupts me. “I can’t just not show up in Virginia, Honor. It’s too late to run. Too late to turn back now. But...” He kisses the top of my head and looks in my eyes again. “But I’ll always love you. Remember that. Please.”
One last hug and he steps away. “It’s time to go now, babe. I have a long drive tonight.” He swallows hard and looks down at the ground, turning silently and walking away.
Before the sight of him disappears behind my tears, Shelby runs to him, takes his hand, and walks with him the rest of the way, leaving me to watch, heartbroken, as the first boy I ever loved walks out of my life forever.
“Come on, sweetness,” Storm’s suddenly beside me, wrapping his strong arms around my shoulder. “Let’s get you home.”
I feel so guilty...for everything. For loving Ethan, but falling in love with his brother. For leading Ethan on. For taking a young girl’s barely used heart. For allowing people to die in order to save me. For not deserving Ethan or Storm, both of whom committed such extreme sacrifices...for me. It doesn’t make sense. And I don’t think it ever will.
Hand in hand, Storm and I make our way back to my new red car, and I think how this moment should have been such a happy one—my first day at college, my boyfriend at my side—yet it is tinged with a sadness I’d have never expected—my new heart will forever be damaged by the scar left by Ethan’s leaving. And knowing he left, to save me from the same captive fate he now owns, doesn’t lessen the pain of his absence.
It makes it greater.
Chapter Thirteen
“I want to take you out tonight, princess,” Storm’s deep voice resonates through the tiny speaker of my cell phone, “so no studying tonight. You need a break.”
“But we have finals next week,” I whine.
“Yeah. Next week. Not this week. Plus, you study every night. I’m sure you’re going to ace your exams.”
I remove the text book from my lap and stand from my bed to look in my closet for something to wear. “But I really want to get into Seton Hall so I can go to school with Tamlin next year.” I pull out a deep purple skater’s dress, hoping it’s perfect for wherever Storm is taking me.
“Babe, you’re going to get in. There’s no doubt. Stop worrying.”
“I just really miss her. And I really want to get into their psychology department.”
“Honor. You will. Now will you go out with me tonight?” Storm pleads.
I chuckle. “Yes, I’ll go out with you tonight.” I hang the dress on top of my closet so it’s all set for later. “It’s cold. We’re not going for one of your hikes through the woods are we?”
“Nah, though I do love walking behind you when you’re climbing those rocks.”
“Pervert.”
“Yeah, pervert. If I were a pervert, I’d have gotten past second base already.”
Thank goodness he’s on the other side of the phone, because I know I’m blushing. My cheeks actually feel hot when I touch them. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to go further with Storm, but I think he’s afraid to make the first move. It would be the first time for both of us, and even though he’s a guy, I know he’s just as afraid as I am.
“Did I make you blush, princess? I think I did.”
“Storm,” I whisper, because I am still blushing. And I can’t help thinking about what it would be like to finally be with Storm like that.
“Sorry, sweetness. I won’t make you blush anymore, at least not when I’m not there to enjoy seeing your face get cherry red.” His smirk is so big I can hear it over the phone.
I know he talks like that because he’s ready.
So am I.
My body gets tingly just thinking about it.
**
A limousine showing up in my driveway was certainly not what I had in mind when Storm said he was taking me out. From my front window, I see Storm step out of the shiny black car. His newly bleached blonde hair and thrice unbuttoned crisp white shirt are striking against his black leather sports coat and black slacks. When he reaches my front door, I open it, looking down. His new black Doc Martens meet my gaze before my eyes travel slowly up to the black leather gunmetal warrior necklace he likes to wear. When my vision catches his mouth, I can’t help but keep my eyes locked on his lips.
