Safe at first, p.11
Safe at First, page 11
“Stop eating it like that.”
Her eyes popped open and grew wide. “Like what?”
I adjusted the bulge in my pants, but it was too late. “Like it’s the best thing you’ve ever put in your mouth,” I said, feeling insanely jealous.
Jealous! Of a fucking cookie!
“Who says it isn’t?” she sassed.
I dropped my own cookie on top of the table as I stalked toward her, my steps brisk. Rounding the kitchen corner, I pushed my body against hers, one arm snaking around her waist, the other firmly behind her head. She stepped back, and I let her until we hit the wall I had been aiming for, so we couldn’t move any further.
Looking down at her petite frame, I wondered how my body felt to her. “Do you feel that? What you do to me?”
She swallowed hard, her lips parting as her eyes stared at my mouth. “I feel it,” she tried to say, but the words came out in a seductive whisper.
“I want to be the best thing you’ve ever put in your mouth,” I said before taking her lips and plunging my tongue inside.
She tasted sweet, like sugar and chocolate, and I couldn’t get enough of her. My hand fisted her hair, pulling at the long silver strands and wrapping them in my fingers. Her hair was so soft. Her mouth warm. I wanted to dive into this girl and never come up for air again.
“Mac,” Sunny breathed out, her hands wrapped around the back of my neck, pulling me harder as her hips started grinding in small circles against me.
Jesus. This girl was going to kill me if she didn’t stop moving like that. Or I was going to explode in my pants and embarrass the hell out of myself à la American Pie.
I stepped away from her hot little body, my hands gripping her arms so she couldn’t move with me. I used all of my strength to keep her at a distance. “Sunny.” Her name was a plea as she stared at me, her pink lips swollen and more than lust in her eyes.
“Yes?”
“We need to stop.”
Disappointment flashed in her eyes before she put on a brave face. “Oh. Okay. Yeah, you’re probably right,” she agreed even though I knew that she wanted me just as badly as I wanted her.
“It’s not you. It’s just ...” I flinched, feeling insecure, vulnerable, and downright terrified.
She wiggled out of my grip, the spell between us officially broken as hurt coursed through her. She wore her feelings on her face, and I was gifted at interpretation.
“You don’t have to explain.” Her words sliced right through me.
“But I want to try.” Closing my eyes, I blew out a breath before opening them back up and staring at the ceiling for a second. “Can we sit?”
Nodding, she moved wordlessly to the couch and sat down. Tossing my cell phone onto the coffee table in front of us, I sat close enough that our legs touched but kept the rest of my body parts to myself ... for now. I wasn’t sure exactly where to start, but Sunny deserved an explanation. One second, I’d wanted to shove my dick in her mouth and die from pleasure, and then the next, I had pushed her away, telling her I couldn’t.
“I know you have a lot going on in that head of yours,” she said with a small smile. “But it’s late, and we can do this some other time.”
She was giving me an out. I knew that I could take it, but things would never be the same. Eventually, I’d end up telling Sunny all of this anyway, but who knew when? I hated feeling like such a colossal screwup.
Why do I have to have so many complex feelings and emotions? Why can’t I just fuck my way through college like everyone thought I was doing anyway? The consummate player. The only one to rival Fullton State legend Jack fucking Carter—aka Chance Carter’s dad and my baseball coach.
I fought back a laugh. If they only knew. Apparently, Coach Carter’s reputation had been based on actual events, whereas mine were all rumors and hearsay. No one knew the truth about me, but everyone acted like they did.
“Mac,” Sunny said my name, drawing my eyes to her lips, “we can just watch a movie or something.”
Sunny would let me put this away and bottle it up if that was what I chose to do. And, man, that decision could be so easy to make. It was what I’d done my whole life—shoved things down until they suffocated me. I’d learned from the best. When my mom had started feeling depressed, she never talked about it, even when I begged her to. She kept everything locked up tight in a vault she sealed with vodka and long afternoon naps. When she was awake, she lived in a state of fierce denial, isolating everyone around her—most of all, me.
All I wanted was to feel understood. I needed to be told that it wasn’t wrong of me to live my own life and make my own decisions. I never wanted to follow in my dad’s footsteps, but no one seemed to give a shit about that. There were hundreds of times when my mom should have taken my side, but she never did. And even though I knew it was because she was afraid of my father, I secretly hated her for it.
So, when it came to Sunny, I longed to be better and give her more than the shitty hand I’d been dealt. I knew she deserved it, and I wanted to try.
“Hayley,” I started, diving headfirst into my personal hell.
Sunny’s blue eyes narrowed as she snarled, “Your ex-girlfriend I’m assuming?”
“Yeah. How much do you know about what happened between us?” I asked because I knew how quickly word had spread after she dumped me. It’d felt like the entire campus had heard within five minutes of it happening. Granted, it was three years ago, but Sunny would have been here at Fullton at the time.
“I’m not sure. I mean, I heard some things about her breaking up with you, but I never knew what was the truth or not. And I didn’t go to many baseball games back then, so I wasn’t there when it allegedly happened.”
“Did you only start going to games once Danika met Chance?” I asked even though it seemed too far-fetched to be true. You see, everyone went to our baseball games even if you knew nothing about the sport. We were the Fullton State team to watch. If you picked one sport to support, it was ours.
“No, but I went to more games once they were together. I’ve gone to a handful over the years but not that often or anything.”
“Why not?”
She laughed. “I didn’t have a reason to go to the games. It’s not like I had a boyfriend on the team. Plus, you guys play a lot. That’s a big commitment.”
I smirked. “True. We do have a shit-ton of games.”
“Tell me what happened.” Sunny’s expression turned thoughtful, her eyes inquiring, as she was desperate to hear this tale.
In order to tell her about Hayley though, I had to go back in time even further and fill her in on things I’d never told any other girl before. Ever.
“When I came here as a freshman, it was my first taste of real freedom, you know what I mean?” I asked, wondering if she’d felt the way I had when I got here. Maybe she had already been able to do whatever she wanted during high school, so college hadn’t been that much of a transition for her. I had no idea.
“Of course. We don’t live with our parents anymore. We can go grocery shopping at two in the morning if we want to, and no one can tell us no! We can get Taco Bell at midnight. Or doughnuts at four a.m. when it opens and they’re still warm.”
“I’m sensing a trend here,” I said, as everything she’d just mentioned revolved around some sort of food or snack.
“I wasn’t allowed to do those things when I lived at home. But I can now. See? Freedom.”
Smiling, I couldn’t disagree. “That is freedom.”
“But it’s not what you’re talking about, is it?”
“Not the same, no.”
“Okay. Go on. I’m listening,” she encouraged.
“All right. So, my dad, uh,” I stuttered, but it was too late to stop, “he isn’t the easiest guy to get along with. We have nothing in common. He’s very controlling. And he runs with a certain kind of crowd back in Arizona. That’s where I’m from.”
“I knew that part. Arizona, I mean. Are you from a crime family?” She was serious, and I looked at her like she was insane. “They totally have crime families in Arizona, right? That’s where they all go to ‘retire.’ ” She used air quotes around the word.
Laughing, I shook my head. “A crime family? You’ve been hanging out with Danika for too long. No, I meant, rich people. My dad runs with all the bigwigs in our area. Politicians, CEOs. That kind of thing. He works in taxes and finance. Handles a lot of big money.”
“Ah, okay. That makes more sense,” she said, tucking a leg up underneath her, and I wondered how girls could sit that way and be comfortable.
“When I was in high school, I was a scared kid.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was nothing like I am now. I had no confidence,” I said even though my confidence had tended to elude me more often than not lately. “I was terrified that everything I did would get back to my dad somehow that I literally did nothing but play baseball and sit at home with my mom. Granted, she was drunk most of the time.”
Her eyes pulled together. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I didn’t want Sunny’s pity, and I hated that look I saw in her eyes. “Don’t feel bad for me, Sunny. It is what it is. The hand I was dealt—or whatever you want to call it.”
“I can still think it sucks,” she bit back, her tone a contradicting mixture of defensive and soft.
“Yeah, you can think it sucks, but I can’t change the past. Anyway, when I got here, I was super naive. I thought I knew what to expect, but holy shit, I had no idea.”
She kicked her leg back out as she reached for a blanket hanging over the back of the couch that I hadn’t even noticed before and wrapped herself in it like a burrito. “Do you want one?” she asked, already moving to stand up.
“No, I’m good.”
“ ’K. Go on. In what way were you surprised?”
How can I word what I mean exactly and not make it come out wrong?
“The girls. I had no idea that it would be like this. I mean, I’d heard things, but I always thought they were an exaggeration or blown out of proportion. There was no way the things that I’d been told about this school could be real.”
“Honestly, someone should come here and conduct a study on female behavior and the baseball team. I’m sure their minds would be blown.”
“Right? At home, the girls all thought I was weird, and they stayed clear of me. It’s because I never went out or did anything social. But here, all anyone knew about me was that I was on the baseball team. And apparently, that was all it took. That was all I needed to be some big man on campus without even doing a damn thing. It was exhilarating for someone like me.”
“I still can’t picture you being some antisocial homebody,” she said, like the idea was purely comical and unbelievable.
“You can’t even imagine it?”
“No.” A laugh escaped. “I see you like this”—she waved her hand toward me—“running the show. Making all the decisions. You have rules for the girls in your life, Mac. RULES! That’s not someone who isn’t confident or cocky as hell.”
“Rules because I’m insecure and scared to death,” I admitted a little too quickly, and it was too late to take it back.
“Hard to believe.” She shook her head, and I knew it was because she was so inherently honest. And when you were that kind of a person, you thought that everyone else was too. If you told the truth, you assumed everyone told the truth.
“Anyway, when I got here, I was completely overwhelmed by all the attention. I met Hayley really early on in the semester. Pretty much right away. I couldn’t believe that a girl who looked like that was even giving me the time of day,” I said before feeling like I’d put my foot in my mouth. “I don’t mean anything by that, Sunny. I think you’re gorgeous, and I don’t know why you’re talking to me either.”
“Stop it.” She put up her hand. “I know this isn’t about me right now. I’m not taking it personally, I promise. Go on.”
“I couldn’t believe that she wanted me. Hayley could probably have any guy on campus—or in Los Angeles for that matter—and here she was, choosing me. I was so dumbstruck by her looks. How beautiful I thought she was. And how genuine. I really thought she loved me. I believed all her lies,” I said, feeling like an idiot all over again.
“So, what happened? How did things end?”
I thought back to the day. I still remembered every detail vividly. It was burned into my memory, pictures I wished I could erase but knew I never would. They’d always linger somewhere in the back of my mind, waiting to come out and ruin my day whenever I was inadvertently triggered.
“I was a freshman. We already had a starting first baseman, but I still played a few innings sometimes. I had a bad game. Played like I’d never touched a baseball before in my life. It was embarrassing. Truly. I made two errors at first. Instead of moving my foot off the bag to actually catch the damn ball, I tried to stretch, thinking that getting the out was the most important thing when catching the ball was.”
Sucking in a breath and then blowing it out, I continued, “I just played bad. Bad enough that I was worried I’d never get the chance to start at first base again for the rest of my time at Fullton. After the game, Hayley was waiting for me in the stands, a scowl on her face. I wondered why she was mad at me or what I’d done. There were still people around too. Families of the players, my coaches, my entire team, and some fans. She yelled that I had embarrassed her in front of everyone. Asked how I could do that to her. Said I made her look bad, stupid even. She said that I was never going to get drafted and she was an idiot for even thinking that I might have a shot. That she overheard the scouts talking and they’d said I didn’t have what it took. What a waste of time I’d been when she could have been focusing on someone else. Someone who was actually going to play professional ball, not a loser who was going nowhere, like me.”
I sucked in a breath and tried to rid myself of the memories that were playing on the big screen in my mind. Reliving that moment was humiliating and made me feel about two inches tall.
“So, why is she all in your business again? I mean, if you’re so bad at baseball, why does she keep coming around?” Sunny asked, her tone vicious and accusatory. I knew it wasn’t meant for me, so I found it downright endearing.
“She thinks I’m getting drafted. Apparently, she followed my stats this summer.”
“Ohh.” Sunny let out a disgusted laughing sound. “So, you’re good enough for her again. I get it.”
I wasn’t sure what to say.
“I want to kick her ass,” Sunny growled. “If I see her walking on campus, I’m going to accidentally trip her. Or maybe I’ll not-so-accidentally shove her into a tree, face-first.”
“Damn, killer. I’d tell you to go for it, but she’s not worth it,” I said, meaning it.
“It’s just ...” Sunny sucked in a quick breath before blowing it back out. “That’s a horrible story, Mac. Seriously horrible. Who does that? I hate her,” she snarled as she looked over my shoulder and avoided eye contact.
I liked seeing her all riled up on my behalf. It was hot as hell and made me feel good. “You all fired up like this is doing something for me.” I smirked, hoping I wasn’t ruining the mood.
Her head snapped back to me, the silver strands swaying with the movement. “Yeah? You like seeing me upset?”
I swallowed hard. “I like seeing you mad at her. For me. It feels nice,” I barely said the last sentence out loud because there were so many emotions in the room that it was hard to breathe.
“I think if the roles were reversed, you’d be pissed for me too,” she said.
I sank deeper into the couch as the scenario played out in my head, knowing she was right.
“I’d make him wish he’d never met you.” The words sounded honorable, but I was fucking serious. The thought of any guy doing that to Sunny made me beyond angry. “Shit,” I breathed out.
“What?”
“Is that guy me? Is that what I did to you? Did I treat you like that?” I asked, wondering if I needed to kick my own ass or not right now. Was Sunny trying to tell me something without coming right out and saying it?
Sunny’s eyes widened as she reached for me, her soft hand stroking my cheek. “No, Mac. No. It’s not even remotely the same thing. She was supposed to be your teammate, and she worked against you. She was your girlfriend. She should have supported you in your dreams, not helped tear them apart.”
“So, you’re not mad at me then?” I tried to clarify.
“Was I mad that you’d ignored me this summer when I thought we’d started something potentially amazing? Yeah, I was. Was I mad at how you’d treated me this year before tonight happened? Again, yes. But obviously, not mad enough to not forgive you because here we are.”
“I really am sorry.”
“I know.”
“Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?”
Her lips formed the sweetest smile. “Only if you promise not to do it again.”
My heart sank because I knew that I could never make her that promise. “Which part?”
“I don’t even know.” She shrugged. “The disappearing, I think. Don’t disappear on me. And the being mean. I don’t like it when you’re mean to me. It feels awful. Promise me those things.”
My defense mechanisms had become my go-to habits. And habits were hard to break, even when you wanted to. If Sunny had realized that, she’d never have asked me to promise her this, knowing that I’d mess it all up without trying or meaning to. Screwing up was easy for me. Making things right took work.
“I promise,” I said, knowing damn well it was a lie.
It All Makes Sense
Sunny
Mac was uncomfortable again. We had been in such a good place, and then something had shifted. I sensed it, but I didn’t want to push like I had been.
Mac had given me so much more than I’d ever expected. I couldn’t believe the things that he had confessed to me tonight. I always assumed that he was messed up from life in some way, but I had no idea the depths of it or where any of it had come from.
