Lovefest, p.17
Lovefest, page 17
“It’s not how I feel—at all. Me? I thought my inexperience—not just with sex, but also in life, gave her pause. Maybe we would have worked through that if we’d stayed together. Neither of us can know the answer. We’ve both led amazing lives apart, had wonderful partners, and grown families and careers.”
“But you always missed her,” Kathie said.
“Oh, Kath. I know it’s difficult for you to hear—but yes. Part of me has always missed Jean—not only because she was my first. I could never hope to explain it to anyone. She understands. Now? We’re equals. I know I have as much to offer her as she’s always offered me. Jean never viewed my naivete as inadequate. I did. And that would have crept between us in time. We’ve always been able to communicate silently—from the moment we met. I can read her emotions, and she can sense mine. Your father and I could finish each other’s sentences. That’s because we worked to understand each other’s feelings. He helped me—guided me to accept myself. I think he would say the same.”
“But do you miss him?”
“I’ll miss your father every day of my life,” Ellie said. “Loving Jean can never erase what your father and I shared. There were moments I didn’t think we’d make it. We did.”
“Jack told me.”
“What did Jack tell you?” Ellie asked.
“Dad had an affair with Colleen Driscoll.”
Gut. Punch. Ellie’s eyes shut, and her lips pressed tightly together.
“Mom?”
“I didn’t think either of you knew.”
“Dad told Jack a few months before he died.”
“Why?” Ellie asked.
“I’m not sure. I think Jack and Julie were having some problems.”
Ellie nodded.
“Jack said Dad told him we would never understand how lucky we are that you’re our mother.”
Ellie’s tears fell, unrestrained.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Ellie reached over and took Kathie’s hand. “Don’t be sorry, sweetheart. Not for talking to me.”
“I probably should have kept that to myself.”
“No,” Ellie said. “Kathie, you can talk to me about anything. There will never be a time when you can’t come to me. You may not always like what I say.”
Kathie chuckled.
“But I’ll always be honest. You always preferred to confide in your dad. I know it’s been hard for you since he passed.”
“It has,” Kathie admitted. “But, Mom? When Jack told me that Dad cheated on you with one of your closest friends? I hated him for a minute.”
Ellie licked her lips and nodded. “Your father was just a man. We had our issues. Those weren’t all because of him.”
“You always seemed happy.”
“Did we?” Ellie sighed. “We tried to shield you from our difficulties. Our problems were never about or because of you and your brother. Fifty years is a long time to be with one person. People grow—they find themselves along the way. Sometimes, you grow together, and sometimes, you drift apart. We always found our way back together.”
“How did you deal with it?” Kathie asked. “The affair.”
Ellie chuckled. “Not well.”
“Really? You never seemed to be angry with Dad or—I don’t know—separate.”
“Your father worked long hours back then. Believe me, I was grateful he spent so much time at the office. It gave me the space to process my feelings. Three years, Kathie. They were seeing each other for three years before I found out.”
Kathie sat stunned.
“Mm. He probably didn’t tell Jack the extent of the affair.”
“Jesus. How could he?”
Ellie smiled. “I can’t answer that,” she said. “It’s not my place. I doubt your father told Jack about my miscarriage.”
“What?”
“You were twelve,” Ellie said. “We planned to tell you on Jack’s birthday.”
“Is that the time you were in the hospital and Dad told us you had some female problems but that you would be home in a couple of days?”
Ellie nodded.
“Oh, Mom.”
“It’s all right. It wasn’t all right for a long time. It put a strain on our marriage, or maybe I should say it further strained our marriage. Your dad was devoted to his work back then. It got lonely at times,” Ellie confessed. “We met in the middle of separate lives for years. You and Jack gave us a place to find each other. After I lost the baby, we drifted further apart. Colleen comforted him.”
“With her vagina?”
Ellie burst out laughing.
”Sorry,” Kathie said.
“Don’t be. I wish I’d thought to say that to your father.”
“I just don’t understand how he could do that with Colleen, of all people.”
“Your dad loved me. And God knows he loved you and your brother more than anything on this earth. Don’t carry this weight. It isn’t yours to bear.”
“And did you get over it?”
“I forgave him. I committed myself to strengthening our marriage, and I think we did that. Going through all of it—everything your dad and I experienced—it made me more confident. It didn’t at first. I felt so inadequate—again. Would I ever be enough for anyone?”
“Oh, Mom.”
“It’s the truth. It hurt. I found out about Colleen by happenstance. I didn’t tell him right away that I knew about the affair. I spent weeks thinking about all the ways I needed to change for him. And that’s when I realized I didn’t need to change for anyone. I needed to be enough for me. I told your father we had nowhere to go if I wasn’t enough for him. He could pack his bags and let Colleen pick up the pieces. He broke off the relationship with her the next day.” Ellie shook her head. “I wasn’t perfect, far from it. But I was never unfaithful to your father. I tried to be everything I thought he wanted me to be for years. The affair changed that. It changed me. I stopped worrying about molding myself into what I thought he needed and let myself be Ellie. Turns out that’s what he needed all along.” Ellie smiled. “Don’t judge your dad. It was a long time ago.”
“There are times lately when I feel like I don’t know either of you at all.”
Ellie laughed. “You do. You’ve always known us as Mom and Dad, not Ellie and Ed. Mom and Dad are part of us. Just like being Jordan’s mom is part of you. But there are many more pieces to Kathleen Smith Cullen. You are also Daddy’s little girl, the love-struck teenager pining over Dominick Sullivan, Brett Cullen’s wife and lover, the person people look to when they need help to settle their estate—there are many parts to the woman you’ve become, Kathie. Your kids see you as Mom. Jordan might see you more clearly than you realize, but Jordan is a unique young woman.”
“Like you.”
“She is like me in many ways,” Ellie said. “But she carries plenty of you and Brett inside her.”
“She knows you better than I do.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
“I would. I guess part of me worries I’ll never get to know you better if you’re far away,” Kathie confessed.
Ellie smiled. “I’m not leaving you. I’m leaving California.”
“It will change things.”
“Things change with or without our permission,” Ellie said. “But nothing can ever change who we are to each other.”
“Are you sure, Mom? This is what you want to do?”
“I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.”
Three days without Ellie felt more like three decades to Jean. Rationally, she knew it was silly. It was quiet at home—too quiet. She was tempted to pack her bags and hop on a flight to California. Planning the holidays felt daunting. She knew compromise would be part of any future she hoped to build with Ellie. Having families who lived on separate coasts presented challenges. Ellie offered to travel back to Massachusetts for Christmas, arguing that Jean’s grandchildren were still young and she shouldn’t miss the time with them. It was a selfless argument that reminded her why she loved Ellie. Thanksgiving break was short enough that both Jordan and Steve planned to stay at school and spend the holiday with their significant others. Jean suggested Ellie invite Jordan and Steve to spend Thanksgiving at her house, and Jean would make the trip to California for Christmas. Ellie loved the idea of having her grandchildren spend Thanksgiving at Jean’s, but she balked at the thought of Jean leaving her family for Christmas.
“No,” Ellie said.
“I don’t want to spend the holidays without you.”
“I don’t love that idea, either. Believe me. But Hannah and Nate are still little, Jean. The time goes by so fast. I don’t want you to miss this time with them. Come out to California after Christmas. We can ring in the new year together.”
“We can ring in the new year after we spend Christmas together,” Jean said.
“I’ll come to you.”
“Twice? That’s not fair to you, Ellie.”
“What are you talking about?”
“This needs to be mutual—that includes traveling.”
“It will be mutual. I don’t want to overstep.”
“How would you do that?” Jean asked.
“I could stay after Thanksgiving.”
“Through Christmas?”
“Too long?”
“Not for me,” Jean said. “But it might be for your kids.”
Ellie stuck to their agreement and didn’t wade deeper into a conversation about the future. She wanted a life with Jean. That meant one of them would need to move. “If it makes you feel better, we can fly here the day after Christmas. I can have everyone to the house later that week for a late Christmas celebration.”
Jean groaned.
“Listen, they won’t object to a second holiday meal—one that I cook, and another day full of presents. Plus, it gives me a free pass,” Ellie said.
“A free pass?”
“Yes. To avoid spending Christmas Eve or Christmas Day with Kathie or Jack’s in-laws.”
“Do you have a problem with their in-laws?”
“No. Brett’s parents are lovely. But it’s only a fifty-fifty chance I would end up with Kathie and Brett.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Julie’s parents are lovely, too—albeit archaic.”
“Archaic, as in old?” Jean asked.
“No. But some of their beliefs are on the border of being prehistoric.”
Jean laughed. “Oh, boy.”
“It’s always challenged me. It drove Ed up the wall. Thankfully, Julie isn’t like her parents. Their comments and beliefs make her crazy, too. I think they know most of the family sees the world differently, and they like to take the opportunity to let us know why they’re not bigots.”
Jean groaned. “I hate that.”
“Exactly. It always causes tension. The kids get upset at some of their comments, and when that happens, they tend to fuel the fire rather than douse it. The idea of sitting through a meal with Doug and Sheila while I’m wishing I could be—”
“With your lesbian lover?”
“Yes. It’s less than appealing.”
“Ah. So, I provide the escape hatch.”
“It’s a bonus.”
“Are you sure about this?” Jean asked.
“More than sure.”
“This isn’t apt to score me any brownie points with your kids.”
“Why does everything come down to brownies with you?” Ellie asked.
“You like my brownies.”
“True. I like your ex-wife’s better.”
Jean roared with laughter. “I love you.”
“I love you. We’ll make it work.”
“I miss you.”
Ellie’s eyes slipped shut. She missed Jean so much it hurt.
“Ellie?”
“I miss you, too.”
“I can fly out there for a weekend.”
Ellie’s lips twitched into a knowing smile at the tinge of desperation in Jean’s voice. They had thought that the time apart would be easier to bear. It was temporary. Phone conversations couldn’t replace intimacy. Ellie could almost feel Jean’s arms around her, and her heart ached to feel Jean’s warmth against her skin. “You don’t know how tempted I am to get on a flight tomorrow. It’s only a few weeks.”
“It’s an eternity!” Jean said.
“Just think about welcoming me back.”
“We won’t be hosting any dinners if I think about that. Not any that require clothing.”
Ellie laughed.
“I’m serious,” Jean said. “I’ve discovered speeds on my vibrator I didn’t know it had!”
Ellie’s laughter grew to a roar. “Stop it.”
“You think I’m joking.”
“No. I know you’re not. Believe me; I understand.”
“Oh? Does yours have warp drive, too?” Jean asked.
Ellie fell back on the bed and laughed so hard she cried. “I’m too old to wet the bed, Jean, and too young for Depends.”
Jean laughed. “I know I sound pathetic.”
“Not at all.”
Jean looked at her phone and grumbled. “I have a faculty meeting in half an hour.”
“Then you should go.”
“I’ll call you later.”
“Good. Maybe I can help you test your warp drive. I’d hate for you to end up in another galaxy.”
“Ellie, trust me, whenever you are part of my warp drive, I land in another universe.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere, Dr. Hay.”
“I’m counting on it. I’ll talk to you later.”
“You will.”
“I love you, Ellie.”
“I love you, too.”
FRIDAY
Seeing Ellie’s number on her phone thrilled Jordan. “Hi, Gram! You rarely call me this early.”
“I thought you’d be up for class.”
“I was awake. How come you’re up so early? It’s only 3:30 there.”
“I’m at the airport.”
“Huh?”
“On my way to your neck of the woods,” Ellie said.
“What? You’re coming here? Does Jean know?”
“No. I hoped you might do me a favor.”
“Sure.”
“My flight comes into Hartford at four. I’d hoped to surprise her, but I got a text saying she has dinner plans with Bridget tonight and will call me when she gets home.”
“Do you want me to tell her you’re on your way here?”
“No. I hoped you might have dinner with me.”
“I’d love that. But won’t you be exhausted? Jean will make sure she’s home if she knows you’re coming.”
“I’m sure that’s true. I don’t want her to change her plans, Jordan.”
“Uh-huh. Okay. Just text me when you’re on your way. Brewery?”
Ellie chuckled. “We can go anyplace you’d like.”
“I can’t believe you’ll be here tonight! You really miss her, don’t you?”
“I miss you, too.”
Jordan grinned. “Yeah, but I’m not the reason you’re coming back two weeks ahead of schedule.”
“You’re part of the equation, Jordan. I promise that’s true.”
Ellie never said things unless she meant them, and Jordan felt her heart soar. She loved having Ellie close and not-so-secretly hoped that closeness would become permanent. “I’m so happy you’re coming home, Gram.”
Home. Ellie doubted Jordan gave the significance of her words a thought. “I’ll see you tonight.”
NORTHAMPTON, MASSACHUSETTS
Jordan’s attempt at appearing calm and collected made Ellie laugh. “You told Jean I was coming, didn’t you?”
“No. I didn’t,” Jordan said as she led Ellie toward the restaurant.
“Jordan?”
“Gram. I swear I didn’t tell Jean a thing. I was so afraid she’d take one look at me and know something was up, I avoided her all day.”
“Because that won’t make her suspicious,” Ellie said.
“She doesn’t have a clue. She texted me this afternoon to ask if I was okay. I told her I got a message from Mary, and I ran to meet up with her after class. It was partly true.”
Ellie rolled her eyes. She was about to ask the hostess for a table when a hand on her back captured her attention.
“Ellie?”
Ellie spun around and came face to face with Jean.
“What are you doing here?” Jean asked.
Bridget winked at Ellie.
“Hello to you, too,” Ellie said. “I wanted to surprise you.”
“Oh, I’m surprised. I can’t believe you’re here.” Jean hugged Ellie and kissed her softly. “Who conspired to make this happen?”
Bridget laughed. “If you mean Ellie’s trip—Ellie.”
“I was supposed to babysit for Bridget tonight,” Jordan explained. “I had no choice but to let the cat out of the bag. When I called Bridget, she suggested we surprise you both and meet for dinner. Mary offered to take babysitting duty. It all worked out.”
Jean’s arm wrapped around Ellie’s waist, and she leaned close to whisper to her. “You can’t know how much I missed you.”
“Yes, I do. Why do you think I’m here?” Ellie whispered back.
“You’ll be lucky if I let you leave again.”
Ellie smiled even as a tug pulled at her gut. No power on earth could make her leave Jean again—not for more than a few days. “Don’t,” she said.
There was something almost magical about how Jean could sit perfectly still with Ellie. She held back her questions throughout dinner. They spent most of the evening listening to Bridget and Jordan’s banter. It was apparent the two had become fast friends—something she hadn’t realized until that evening. There were a few questions she wanted to ask. “Ellie?”
“Hm?”
“You know I’m thrilled that you’re here.”
“But?”
“No. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back?”
“You would have told me to stay home until Thanksgiving.”
“How did the kids feel about you leaving so soon?” Jean asked.
“Stop worrying about my kids. They’re both pushing fifty.”
