The replacement, p.1
The Replacement, page 1
THE REPLACEMENT
JACQUELINE WARD
Copyright © 2023 Jacqueline Ward
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The right of Jacqueline Ward to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
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First published in 2023 by Bloodhound Books.
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Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, with prior permission in writing of the publisher or, in the case of reprographic production, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.
All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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www.bloodhoundbooks.com
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Print ISBN: 978-1-5040-8555-7
CONTENTS
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Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Acknowledgements
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A note from the publisher
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For anyone who ever felt replaced.
CHAPTER ONE
You always remember where you were when something like that happens. When you should have done something but didn’t.
I was standing on the driveway when my phone beeped again. Another reminder to look at it. I’d ignored it, as I had for most of the weekend, and lifted my face into the morning sunshine as Tim drove away from my home. After the past twelve months of my separation and impending divorce from Daniel, every tiny wave of calmness that washes over me is a gift. So, after spending a lovely weekend away, I felt perfectly still.
Until Daniel’s car pulled into the driveway. He must have passed Tim on the main road. Of course, neither would be any the wiser. Tim hasn’t met Ben and Angel yet. I only see him when Daniel takes our children for his half of the shared parenting. My hand went to my new smart watch as it began synchronised buzzing with my phone. It would be Tim, I thought, telling me how much he’d enjoyed the beautiful time we’d had.
Before I could look, Angel and Ben spilled out of the car and ran into the house. My heart almost burst with love. It’s the same every time they come back. I miss them every moment they are away from me. Even so, as I saw Daniel I felt the serenity of the past three days ebb slightly. I’m thankful it gets less and less with time. I also know full well why this happens. Yet I remained calm as a familiar feeling bubbled inside me.
Every time he brings the children back, I promise myself I will not scan the car for her. I will not torture myself with her sitting in the back seat with Angel while Ben rides up front, even though he is too young. A huge investment in my well-being over the past six months has left me with a good understanding of what I need to do to move on from this.
Yet, in that moment, the feelings I had when I found out about her were momentarily just as strong. The sadness and the desperation. The utter anger at what they did. And the shame of what I did back then. I have learnt to stay calm now. I no longer lose it or shout or scream. In fact, most of the time, I hardly care. But I know now that the second Daniel appeared on my driveway marked the first moment I became involved. As I scanned the car, I told myself I would do a twenty-minute yoga workout later to rid myself of the negativity.
But she wasn’t there. I blinked into the sunlight. I shaded my eyes to see further inside the car. No. She definitely wasn’t there. Daniel stared back at me. Then he got out.
‘Angel told me she had an extra tuition.’
He stated it rather than asked a question. I nodded.
‘Yeah. She needed some reading help.’
I almost added that it was no wonder, was it, with everything that had happened? No wonder our children felt unsettled. But instead, I looked past him into the car at Jem’s cardigan on the front seat.
‘It costs thirty pounds an hour. I wondered if you could pay for it. Or half?’
The silent implication that this was his mess and not mine hung over the words. But he just laughed and walked away. His trademark swagger that always belies the cool, calm exterior. I know Daniel Wade back to front. I know where he came from, where his roots are. He’s no different from the rest of us council-estate kids, but he likes to think he is. He moved from selling used death-trap cars into the luxury motor business and made his money there. Lots of it. He wears his hair longer and, since he met her, he’s adopted her faux hippy style. Smart-casual and guru-like.
He got into his car, and he was gone. My heart twinged after him. I know with every fibre of my being that it is just a sentimental hangover. He cheated on me with her, and it changed my life. It changed me. Yet I still watched him every time he drove away from me. Even though Tim is my happiness now, I watched him. I went inside and pressed the boost button on the heating. It can get cold in early October. I heard the boiler fire and thought about my bank account emptying as the large house became warmer.
We’d bought it as a doer-upper and half-finished it. I am forever grateful that we did the sprawling downstairs first. Reception room, lounge, and a beautiful stone kitchen. I pulled out a pizza and some frozen chips from the freezer and put them in the oven. I’m back working full time now, but my salary only stretches so far. Tomato sauce and mayonnaise on a tray and some fizzy drinks. I could hear Angel talking to someone on the phone and, as I leaned over, I saw Ben was watching a box set that was a little too old for him.
‘Hey. Turn that off. Ben. Turn it off.’
He frowned at me, the same crease as I’d seen on Daniel’s brow earlier. ‘But Dad said…’
‘Never mind what Dad said. You’re home now.’
Free from her phone call, Angel chirped in.
‘We’ve got two homes. That’s the modern way.’
I’d heard it all before. And I knew whose words Angel was repeating. Of course, it hurt the first time, but I had agreed to co-parenting. I didn’t want to, because those two were joined at the bloody hip from the day he bought that house and she moved in, but what choice did I have? The kids come first and that’s what they want.
For me, I hadn’t really known what to expect of my newly single status. I’d imagined wild weekends. Parties and men and lots and lots of sex, but it didn’t work out like that, thank goodness. I’d been dreading the dating circuit. Almost immediately, my best friend Lisa met some guy at work, and I was left at a loose end. I don’t like going to bars alone, so I found a local coffee shop. Just so I could get out of the house more over the three days the kids were gone.
‘Yes, love, I know. But you’re here now and it’s my rules. Okay?’
I was gentle. I love my children above everything, and I would never compromise that. But I have come close. What happened to me was enough to drive anyone to the brink. I shudder at the thought of it. But I stepped away just in time, and only a few fragments of that remain to puncture the peace I have woven around us three.
They both nodded at me as I appeared with pizza and chips. I watched their looks of approval and how they sat on the sofa close to each other, trays on laps. My rules aren’t so stringent. I want them to love being here so much that they miss me when they are gone. That the time they spend with her is boring in comparison. I don’t have much money, but the little I have is spent on the best for my children.
It was worth the lonely occasional weekend sitting here in the cold and dark. I’d worked out that I could still have the internet on as it costs the same whatever I use. Same with the TV. But everything else is kept to a minimum. My luxury is my contract phone and my smart watch. I need to carry a sense of affluence over to my job and they serve the dual purpose of tracking my return to peak happiness. I’d learnt to do my own French manicures, but a phone was a necessity of my work, so it stays. Parts of weekends are spent with Tim now in beautiful hotels and cosy restaurants. Dancing and laughing. But once I get home, the phone goes off, as it had been since Daniel dropped my children on the driveway. Home time is for Ben and Angel. Tim completely understands. He’s happy for us to take it slowly. No pressure.
I left it until the pizza was nearly finished to bring
‘So, how was the weekend?’
Angel’s eyes never left the screen. ‘Dad bought us Chinese. In cartons. And dandelion and burdock.’
I glanced at the pizza carton on the distant kitchen side, and the almost charred pizza crust on the tray.
‘That’s nice, love. What did you all have?’
I felt a stab of guilt at my curated question. Ben paused his viewing to think.
‘Well, it was a banquet.’ Of course it was. Of course. He continued. ‘But I only ate the noodles. And some prawn crackers. Angel had sweet and sour chicken and Dad had this chilli beef thing and seaweed.’ They pulled a face at each other, and I laughed my relief that at least we were united in our hatred of fried cabbage.
I waited. Angel was nodding.
‘Yes. I had to ask Dad to help me with the chopsicks.’ My heart warmed. I love them so much. They are perfect and funny and everything I ever wanted in life. They say the funniest things and I miss them so much when they are with Daniel. And her. Chopsicks. She looked very serious. ‘We had ribs. And chicken wings.’ A long pause. ‘Dad gave the delivery boy a very big tip.’
I’d opened my mouth to speak, but Ben jumped in. ‘I might be a delivery boy. When I’m old enough. They get to keep the tips.’
I smiled, but my tone betrayed me. ‘Not everyone tips as well as your dad. Or has takeaways. Not everyone can afford them.’
I’d ruined the mood. They fell silent and went back to the TV and dunking cardboard chips in unbranded ketchup. I watched them blinking at the screen and wished again it could be different.
‘Where was Jem, then?’
It spilled out. She wasn’t in the car. I suppose half of me hoped they had split up. That she had packed her bags. They continued blinking at the TV. Ben became spokesperson.
‘She’s gone away for a few days. Dad said she’ll be back soon.’
Angel looked at me, her eyes brimming over with tears. I thought for one awful minute she was going to tell me she missed her. Her bottom lip trembled. ‘She’d better be back soon because Pepe misses her. He was crying.’
Pepe. Jem loves that dog more than my kids. That was one of the reasons I could tolerate this awful situation. She wasn’t really mum material. It was all an act. But she did love that dog. Where had she gone without him? My mind raced through hospital to abortion clinic to all-inclusive beach holiday.
‘She left Pepe? What did Dad say?’
Ben shrugged. ‘Nothing. He just put him in the kitchen. He tried to take a chicken wing, but Dad wouldn’t let us get the chicken off the bone like Jemi does.’
Jemi. She’d insisted that they call her Jemi. Like mummy, but not because we’ve already got one of those, Angel had helpfully explained. I made my breath deep and even. I’ve come so far. She is the only thing that can ruin my sense of peace.
‘Oh. Right. So, when is she back?’
They just shrugged and carried on with what they were doing.
So now I am in the kitchen. I’d taken a holiday today to bathe in the luxury of my happiness with Tim. It was our six-month anniversary. Six months since he sat down opposite me in that coffee shop and made me feel like a woman again. We’d taken a walk in the countryside and then gone for a meal. I knew it would be beautiful, and I wasn’t disappointed. He’d given me a gift box tied with a yellow ribbon and pursed his lips in anticipation.
‘Open it. It’s so special.’ He’d taken my hand. ‘You’re so special to me, Lauren.’
It was a diamond and sapphire bracelet that took my breath away. I’d only just begun to know him. He was the opposite of me and Daniel. We’re both outgoing people who like to get ahead. I’m all over social media, especially these days in my self-proclaimed recovery period and my new business – I even have a page where I track my progress. Daniel is just vain and preoccupied with himself. He tries to pass it off as part of his job, but Facebook could not have happened a moment too soon for him. Lots of curated pictures of him with the flashy cars he deals.
But Tim is not on social media. He told me he is a very private person and doesn’t need his life splashing all over the internet. He is absolutely fine with my openness as long as he plays only a tiny role. Curiously, Jem also shies away from all but Instagram, where she posts infrequently. I find it fascinating that both me and Daniel have chosen shrinking violets. Lisa is suspicious of anyone who is not posting on social media every twenty minutes, but Tim’s calmness and poise is infectious. I’d go as far as to say that being with him is giving me something much better to do than nosey into other people’s lives online.
When we said goodbye this morning, I was left with a feeling of almost-love. If it wasn’t for this lingering itch about Jem and what happened last year, this would be perfect. We didn’t need to show everyone how happy we were. When we were together, the world just disappeared. But now he’s gone, it’s back. Ten minutes ago, I remembered my phone had buzzed that morning. I’d tidied the scatter cushions and switched off the TV.
The kids are in bed. It’s ten o’clock. I hear the boiler click off and I pull a crocheted shawl around me.
I take out my phone and switch it back on. I see it’s a message from her. Jem. Sent on Monday afternoon. I’m confused. She’s never messaged me before. She only has my number for school emergencies on Daniel’s insistence. Whatever the message is, it’s bound to annoy me to the limit of my sanity. Yet, somehow, I have to see. I can’t tear myself away from this. From her. Not yet. The glow lights up the table and I press the message icon.
Her face appears, tanned and smiling. Perfect white teeth and a string of daisies around her neck, probably threaded by my husband. Ex-husband, I correct myself. My teeth involuntarily clench, and I read.
Lauren. You’ve got to help me. Please.
CHAPTER TWO
I wake early, running over various scenarios in my head. I wish I’d read the message when it arrived. I went over everything the kids said and Daniel’s expression when I saw him earlier. He would have mentioned it if something was wrong, so there was no confusion when the kids told me. Daniel is one of those men who is very straightforward about what he wants. That way, when I wanted something different, he presented a fully evidenced case that you had earlier agreed to something, therefore if there was a change, there had to be a reason.
He was very clear about what he wanted at the start of our relationship. Not in a bad way. No demands. I agreed initially that we would go out together. When we were in the throes of hectic romance, I readily agreed that there would be no more girls’ nights out or hen parties. I couldn’t imagine life without him. Further down the line, when I wanted to go to a baby shower or even to the gym, he objected. He was perfectly calm about it. No bullying or nastiness. He didn’t even try to stop me when I insisted. He’d just gradually put me into a wife-shaped box called Sturgeon Hall.
He treated others the same way. He climbed the promotion ladder at work rapidly and pushed people into little compartments. Anyone who didn’t follow his exact lead was calmly pushed away from him. He wouldn’t cause a drama or a scene. Daniel just knew what he wanted.
