Cuffed tied and satisfie.., p.1
Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied, page 1
The information in this book is for entertainment purposes only. The fantasy and role-play ideas are intended for consenting adults who are knowledgeable about sex while still exploring and discovering their full sexual potential. If you have any health issues or concerns, please consult a doctor to ensure you are healthy and fit enough to engage in sex. The author and publisher expressly disclaim responsibility for any injury or other adverse effects that may result from the use or application of the information provided in this book.
Copyright © 2014 by Jessica Kinzbach
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
Harmony Books is a registered trademark and the Circle colophon is a trademark of Random House LLC.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-0-8041-3808-6
eBook ISBN 978-0-8041-3809-3
Illustrations by Stasia Burrington
Photography by Sequoia Emmanuelle; stylists, Make Life a Ritual; makeup, Julie Brooks (Muse MUA); hair, Daved Munoz
Cover photograph: Gallery Stock/Richard Pullar
Cover illustrations: Shutterstock/Katya Ulitina (feather), Shutterstock/Kletr (whip), Shutterstock/Darko1981 (handcuffs)
v3.1
For Ian, may we always lead an ecstatic life
—Your Mistress, Jaiya
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER ONE: Why Does This Turn Me On?
CHAPTER TWO: Definitions, Myths, and Maps—Oh My!
CHAPTER THREE: Consent: Fabulous Fuel for Sensational Sex—Just Keep It Safe!
CHAPTER FOUR: Unleashing Your Empowered Erotic Persona
CHAPTER FIVE: Power, Surrender, and Ecstasy
CHAPTER SIX: Submitting to the Sensory
CHAPTER SEVEN: Inviting Impact Play
CHAPTER EIGHT: Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied
CHAPTER NINE: Hot Scenes, Hot Sex, Hot Toys
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
RESOURCES
INTRODUCTION
“I don’t understand why this turns me on. I can’t help but think that something is wrong with me because I like being tied up.” Sandy glanced nervously at her husband, who still couldn’t look me in the eyes. His wife of twenty years and the mother of his three children was admitting that her biggest desire was to be restrained while he made love to her. Sex was a very private thing for both of them, but Sandy felt dissatisfied. She wanted more spice, and her biggest fantasy was to be tied down and dominated. Her husband, Greg, was a soft, gentle man who would never want to “hurt” or “disrespect” a woman. Sandy wanted to be taken, and after she read the Fifty Shades trilogy she found herself feeling more and more dissatisfied with their very “vanilla” sex life. That’s when she dragged Greg into my office.
First, I reassured Sandy that there was nothing wrong with her desires. She had no traumatic history that even hinted at a psychological issue. Greg needed to hear why the idea of being restrained and dominated turned Sandy on so much. She explained to him that it gave her permission to let go and she liked the idea of a strong man taking control of her pleasure. This is a common theme. Sexual shame runs deep, so when a man takes control of a woman’s pleasure, she can suddenly let go and enjoy it like never before. If Sandy and Greg were going to do this together, then they both needed some serious training. Especially Greg—he needed an entire erotic makeover if he was going to take on dominating her pleasure. They had a lot to learn.
Greg quickly got into the tips and tools of the trade; he was comfortable with ropes and handcuffs. His biggest challenge was embracing a dominant persona. He felt silly trying to personify something that he felt wasn’t “him.” It took some time, but in the end, Greg learned how to find dominant aspects of himself that he could cultivate to please Sandy’s desire to be taken. He did it because he greatly loved Sandy and he wanted to satisfy her for the longevity of their relationship. Sandy grinned from ear to ear as she told me, “For the first time in my life I had multiple orgasms, and they were amazing!” Greg grinned next to her, and I smiled too, knowing that their journey was just beginning.
Somatic Sexologist?
I have the best job ever! I’m a somatic sexologist, which means that I educate people about sexuality from a hands-on, body-based perspective. After the unleashing of Fifty Shades I found my private practice (and in-box) exploding with students who wanted to know how to create what they read about in the pages of this revolutionary trilogy. Tying my lover up was not part of my repertoire, but I decided that in order to better educate my students it was time to deeply educate myself. So I set out on a journey to discover everything I could about the world of kink.
I wasn’t always so open about kink. Many years ago, I had a friend/lover who was into BDSM (BD = bondage and discipline, DS = dominance and submission, SM = sadism and masochism). He’d come home with bruises from his nights out playing in what I considered to be deep, dark dungeons. I couldn’t understand why he would want this. Why would anyone want to receive pain from or give pain to someone whom they love? I had major judgments about this scary world, which I admit I knew nothing about. I simply thought that there must be something seriously wrong with this man whom I loved. Fast-forward a decade: I’ve opened my mind. I currently have a lover who is turned on by kink. I have experienced “out of the box” sex and it has greatly enhanced my own sexuality. I’m more connected to my lover (and having some of the hottest sex).
Not only have I worn the shoes of a feminine Dominant and submissive, but I’ve also spent countless clinical hours working with couples in private practice and online. I understand the psychological and physical turn-ons for both male and female desire. My favorite part, however, is actually teaching beginners how to explore the realms of power dynamics—bringing kink into the light. I’m like a guide in a dark forest, shining a light on what was once perceived as a scary taboo, only to find out it’s a golden key to wonderfully intense pleasure and connection.
My goal is to let you know that it’s perfectly okay to be turned on by what has been considered weird or kinky. It’s time that kink went mainstream.
How I Researched for This Book
I always want to know the best practices that get the best results, not just for myself but for everyone. It’s part of being a “hands-on” sexologist. Sure, I could read books (and I did, plenty of them) and lots of scientific studies (yep, read as many as I could find) and then spout out to you what I learned, but personal experience is the bedrock of being a great teacher. Therefore, I enrolled my partner in an experiment. I would dominate him for forty days and then we would switch, and he would dominate me for forty days. This way I would get the experience of being a female Dominant and a female submissive and I would have his valuable feedback. The 40/40 experiment had a profound impact on my relationship, which I’ll discuss within these pages. You’ll even get a peek into our personal journals as we went along. (And if you want all the nitty-gritty, be sure to visit www.mistressjaiya.com/40Switch.)
I went even further, spending lots of time with professionals in the world of kink and learning everything I could from “hands-on” experience. On my first day of the 40/40 project I apprenticed with a Dominatrix named Ivy Young. She became a foundational teacher as I explored dominating my own partner. You’ll meet some of the amazing professionals with whom both my partner and I studied during the experience. The learning that I soaked in during this time was incredibly valuable, and not just on a professional level and for the purposes of this book; it took my sex life, relationship, and personal psychology to an entirely new level.
What You’ll Find in This Book
Clinically Proven Techniques That Get Results
As you can see, I’m an avid researcher. I like to read and study, then practice, then teach. But I learn more from my students than I do from any kind of research. You will get to learn from my clients too as you hear their stories of struggle and triumph. In the interest of being transparent, I want you to know that most of their names and some details of their stories have been changed in order to protect their identities.
A Fresh Perspective on Power Dynamics, BDSM, and Kinky Play
When I started this journey I found the images and language used in the world of BDSM very intimidating. I’m not saying that the current frame for kinky play is wrong or bad. If it gets you turned on, then go for it. This book is for those who may find it intimidating or scary but are curious about putting a little more adventure into their sex life.
Busting Major Myths About Kink!
I’m a huge advocate for breaking down myths when it comes to human sexuality, especially concerning sexual taboos. I asked a number of friends and fans about what they thought of when it came to kink and/or BDSM. These are educated people, most of whom I know well, and their answers surprised me. What they were telling me were mostly myths and misconceptions, and I had to educate them. I’ll elaborate on these myths in chapter 2.
A Multimedia Experience
I believe that learning is best done through reading, seeing, hearing, and practicing. Throughout this book are links to multimedia learning experiences. Watch videos, read more, listen to interviews, and take a plunge into my online world of s
Dive Deeper: Look for these boxes to create your interactive experience!
Prepare for Hotness!
I’ve packed these pages full of tips, tools, and techniques that will help you to experience a spicier, more fulfilling, and long-lasting sex life. I expect you to give it to all your friends, exclaiming, “Here is the real lowdown on sex Fifty Shades style!”
This book will give you accessible and playful strategies to safely incorporate power play, restraint, and sensation into your bedroom repertoire. What you will learn can help you to not just spice up your current love life but attain a level of extraordinary sexual ecstasy, while improving your relationship and overall connectedness. I even found that practicing kink can empower you in your life outside the bedroom.
I give you the permission you may be craving to step outside of your sexual boxes. I give you permission to experience amazing passion, to understand your own erotic core, to have compassion for and connection with others, to ask for what you want in the bedroom, and to overcome mental obstacles that may hold you back from exquisite pleasure.
Mistress Jaiya says you are ready to begin your training.
Allow me to tease you with what’s to come:
• Guides for uncovering your personal erotic psychology and desires
• Tips, tools, games, and guidelines for mastering power play
• Techniques for scintillating sensation
• How to easily tie your lover in knots!
The journey starts now.…
For the last three hours I’d been delighting in dominating my lover, restraining him, playing games with him, providing him sweet pleasure mixed with a little pain. I reached over and stroked, kissed, and bit his back as his body continued to shudder from the orgasmic ecstasy flooding through him. I slowly removed his restraints and massaged his wrists and ankles. I worked my way to the collar around his neck and looked into his eyes as I removed it; our session was complete. He pulled me close. We breathed together for a moment, both of us deep in pleasurable afterglow. I turned to face him. I wanted to make sure that he was okay. Did he need anything?
“That was awesome, and intense,” I whispered, not wanting to break the spell. “Do you need anything?”
He breathed deep. A look of confusion crossed his face. “I just don’t get it. This is awesome and really hot, but I just don’t understand why this turns me on so much.”
After most of our conversations, our sessions together, and even at random times, my lover, Ian, would turn to me with that look of confusion and ask, “Why does this turn me on?” I was asking myself the same exact thing: Why? Why does this turn him on like crazy and why is my body so aroused without being touched? Why would having power over someone, treating someone like an object, or even inflicting pain on someone possibly turn us on? And further, how could I “do” this “to” someone I loved this much?
As I lay next to Ian, the father of my son, my lover for nearly a decade, the man whom I admire, love, and respect, pondering yet again this persistent question of “Why?,” I prepared for a deep, rich journey with him. We’d just agreed on our 40/40 experiment. Perhaps things would never be the same. Perhaps we would discover things that we didn’t want to know. Perhaps we would have even hotter sex, even deeper connection, and even greater understandings of our own eroticism. We’d challenged and committed ourselves to exploring together—to taking the risks and diving deeply into an erotic world where for the first time we would be learning side by side.
Jaiya Journal: Dominant/Day 2
Last night was the first night of training for Ian. I will be dominating him for the next 40 days. It’s going to be such an adventure. I feel so different already. I can’t explain it. It’s already changed something between me and Ian. There’s a smile when I see him, a charge, an energy that’s hard to describe. Like when we first fell in love…
It took us years to get here—for him to release his shame about his restraint and submission fantasies enough to admit them and then share them with me. Even though I am a sexologist and hold space for people’s deep, dark sexual secrets on a daily basis, even though I have accepted him and loved him, even though we have shared some of the most intimate moments of our life together, he still found it difficult to share his kinks with me. I had to create a safe environment for him, totally accepting of him, and let him know that my acceptance of him wouldn’t change, no matter what he told me. And we both wanted to understand why. Why was he so turned on by restraint and submission fantasies?
Sometimes you need to understand why so that you can have fun, let go of shame, give yourself permission—to make sure that what you are about to embark on is okay. (If you don’t care why, you have total permission to skip this chapter and just dive into the next.) I’ve searched long and hard for the why. I’ve read hundreds of books, articles, and essays. I’ve read research papers and studies. I’ve interviewed professional Dominants, sadists, and submissives. I’ve talked to therapists. I’ve asked countless people, “Why?” Why are people turned on by sex that is outside our cultural box? Why is surrender such an aphrodisiac? Why do some people like to be tied up? Why does one man love to wear women’s underwear and another love the texture of leather? Why does pain equal pleasure? Why is my own partner so turned on by such a specific fantasy that just the mention of it drives him wild? Why would my dominating him cause him to blossom in ways I’ve never seen? Why, why, why…
Why Are We Motivated to Step Outside the Box?
A FIRST LOOK AT OUR REVEALING HISTORY
The ultimate goal is to profoundly affect the mind, to drastically alter the state of consciousness. Ancient cultures have always known ways to do this—pain, body modification, chemical experience, spiritual rapture—modern primitives have kept it alive.
Flagg, The Forked Tongue
No one really knows where kinky practices began or where they originated, but it seems clear that humans, in cultures around the world, throughout time, have had a relationship with “out of the box” sex. Yet in our modern culture we have deep shame about power, restraint, and sensation. Pleasure, power, and impact play have been part of the human experience so much that we felt compelled to record it in our art forms and in texts such as the Kama Sutra.
I say it’s time we accept our kinky inclinations, have fun with them, and enjoy!
One of the oldest accounts of impact play (spanking, paddling, caning, flogging, etc.) is seen in a relic found in an Etruscan burial site (490 BCE). In the image opposite, you can see two men erotically depicted with a woman. One man is using a cane on her and the other is using his hand to spank her. Looks to me like they are having a lot of naughty fun!
In our search for why power, restraint, and impact turn us on, there may be early erotic cues from our childhood at play. Your own sexual history may also account for your attraction to kink. Perhaps the signs have been there all along. Where you find obstacles in your childhood, you may find a link to your turn-ons. Jack Morin, PhD, author of The Erotic Mind, states, “The adventure of growing up gives each individual’s sexuality a unique shape and texture. Inevitably, each person learns to associate particular kinds of obstacles with heightened expectation.” Keep in mind that most research shows that the majority of people who play with kinky sex have no early history of abuse or psychological issues.
Tomba Della Fustigazione
Dive Deeper: Journey into your personal history: www.mistressjaiya.com/history.
Now let’s take look at what motivates people to try or practice kink, or even to make it a lifestyle. The reasons may surprise you. As I discovered, the motivations behind kinky sex have a lot less to do with sex and a lot more to do with our everyday psychology. You may be saying, “But, wait, I came here for the hot sex!” Okay, let’s begin there!
HOTTER SEX
