Jeff ernos greatest hits, p.35
Jeff Erno's Greatest Hits, page 35
It made sense for her to be conflicted about this matter. For all of Shawn’s life, she had held to a firm belief that he was a saintly child. She sincerely believed he’d been chosen and called by God to do marvelous things. She envisioned him as becoming a great spiritual leader, someone who may even go down in history as a great man of God.
Everything about Denni’s son had confirmed her beliefs to be true. He had proven over and over again that he was exceptional. He’d won a host of awards, academic honors, citizenship medals, you name it. He was a gifted musician and a remarkably intelligent young man. She felt he was going to do amazing things in his life. He was going to make her so proud.
To hold so firmly to these beliefs and then suddenly discover that everything you’d believed about your son might not be true at all was devastating. It was such an earth-shattering revelation that the only way she knew to cope with it was to flatly deny it.
The Shawn that Denni had known for fifteen years suddenly no longer existed to her. This new Shawn was an entirely different person. Instead of regarding his sensitivity and his soft-spoken manner as being traits which demonstrated refinement and dignity, they now seemed utterly sissified. His emotionalism, which had always been endearing to her and had always touched the soft spot in her own heart, now seemed embarrassing and annoying. The fact that these viewpoints had shifted so drastically was something that deeply troubled Denise. It bothered her because she realized that it was she who had changed, and not Shawn at all.
She was bothered by her own prejudice. She had always prided herself in the notion that she was so open-minded. She knew so many diverse people, and she never judged any of them. She didn’t care about race or religion or physical appearance; she looked into the heart of people. That was what mattered. But when it came to her own son, she couldn’t control the ugly perceptions that seemed to take over her entire way of thinking.
Perhaps it was fear. She was afraid of what others would think of Shawn. She was starting to see her son now as an outsider. She was starting to notice the delicate way he bent his wrist when he was holding a pencil. She started to notice the distinctly nasal, effeminate tone of his voice. She started to see how persnickety and fussy he was about little things. He kept his bedroom so very neat and tidy. He always wore perfectly pressed clothing. He always covered his mouth when he coughed.
She’d never seen Shawn spit. She’d never had to scold him for tracking mud on the carpet when he came in from playing outside. She’d never reprimanded him for belching at the dinner table.
Before she knew of his sexual orientation, all of these characteristics of Shawn were things she was proud of. Now, however, she was embarrassed by them. She knew in her heart that when other people looked at her boy for the first time, they certainly would assume one thing and one thing only: that the boy was a fag.
This ruined everything! This crushed Shawn’s chances of going into the ministry. It placed so many obstacles in his way. It made it so much harder for him to succeed in life. It put him in jeopardy of life-threatening disease. It made him the brunt of everyone’s jokes.
But deep inside of her, she knew that she’d always known. Like a slideshow in her head, she reviewed the images of Shawn and her throughout his life. She remembered him at four years old stepping out of the closet dressed in her evening gown. She remembered him proudly crocheting his first afghan. She recalled how he’d always expertly advised her on her wardrobe. She saw in her mind the way he’d excitedly participated in her wedding planning and how he’d demonstrated such remarkably good taste. She remembered how he would sit with her and watch their favorite movie, Beaches, and the tears would roll right down his precious little cheeks.
She’d known. She’d always known!
It was easier to deny it, though, because if she did admit that she knew in her heart that her son was gay, she felt that it would lead to a horrible conclusion. If her son was gay, then what kind of a mother did this make her? She should have sensed it early on in his life and steered him away from these tendencies. She should have punished him or at least reprimanded him when he dressed up like a little girl. She never should have allowed him to play with the Barbie dolls. Hadn’t her denial all of these years contributed to what he eventually became? Couldn’t she have changed him by acting swiftly in the beginning?
She felt as if she were complicit. She had gone along with the games of dress-up and with the Easy-Bake Ovens. She had allowed him to bond with female role models during the impressionable period of his life, the time when he should have been emulating his father. She had failed.
It was this line of thinking during these first three days after her discovery which prompted her to eventually break down and call Reverend Walden. When she drove to the parsonage and met with him that morning, she felt that God had really worked a miracle for her. It was a sign, she believed. What were the odds that this particular minister who specialized in homosexuality cases would be in their town at that exact moment?
As she explained what had happened with Shawn, Pastor Walden looked so troubled. He expressed to Denise how much he cared about that boy, and he went on to relate to her an amazing story about how he’d witnessed an act of generosity from the boy unlike anything he’d ever seen. He told her that he knew in his heart God had called Shawn to great things.
Tears were streaming down Denise’s face as the pastor said these things to her. It was what she’d always believed herself.
The pastor then told her about Reverend Brice Davenport and his ministry. He explained to her that by coincidence, or perhaps by divine intervention, this pastor happened to be in their town at that very minute. He had come to Michigan to attend a conference in Gaylord, and since he knew Reverend Walden, he’d stopped in for a visit.
Denise waited as Pastor Walden called his friend. Within the half-hour he was there with them, explaining how he could help Shawn. He had brochures and photographs of his compound. He had pages and pages of testimony from people who’d been helped by the ministry. He told Denise his own story, how God had saved him from his sinful lifestyle and had brought him back into the fold. He assured her that the same could happen for Shawn. She did not have to abandon all of her dreams for the boy. He was still the same sweet child she’d always loved, but he needed a little guidance. He needed their help.
So she set the whole thing up with them right there in the office of the parsonage. She did it without consulting her husband. She didn’t call her mom or her friend Esther. She did not even alert Bobby’s parents of her decision. She made it all on her own, and she did it out of love for her boy. She sincerely believed that although it was going to be difficult for him, he would one day thank her. She had no qualms about writing the check to Straight from the Heart Ministries, which was, of course, simply to cover the expenses of the treatment.
When she told Mark of her decision that afternoon, he immediately balked. He asked her to take a little more time to think about it. He asked her to do some research on the ministry first. He urged her to call his mother because she understood what it was like to cope with having a gay son. He tried every tactic he could think of to dissuade her, but it was no use. She had her mind made up.
And even though Mark was probably torn about what he should do that night, possibly wanting to intervene and to somehow stop it from happening, it was Denise who had the final say in the matter. Regardless of the fact that Mark told her that he feared what an environment such as a boot camp would do to the sensitive young boy and that he didn’t completely trust this minister because the guy didn’t seem to be completely above board on a lot of matters, all Denise could see was that God had provided a solution to her dilemma. He had sent this minister to them at just the right time, and there was no way she could ignore His providence. Mark pointed out that the minister seemed to just brush over specific questions, and he answered them with broad generalizations. The man seemed to be a bit of a shyster.
In the end, Denise had the full support of her husband. After all, she was Shawn’s mother. She was also Mark’s wife, and he had to support her. Her motives were pure, and he obviously needed to demonstrate to his new bride that he trusted her judgment. He was the kind of man who believed that, even during the times when he did not fully agree with his wife, he would always respect her viewpoints. He had no choice, really; he had to stay by her side and give her the support that she needed and deserved as his wife.
That evening, when they had the intervention and subsequently ushered Shawn away in the dead of night, Mark told his wife again that he had misgivings about the whole situation. He told her that he just couldn’t get the image out of his mind of the little guy sitting there weeping. It was as if he’d just been handed a prison sentence. Shawn had looked over to him at the time, and in his eyes it was as if he were saying, “Please don’t let them do this to me.”
Denise was emotional herself, and the conversation they had after Shawn’s departure got a little heated. It cut her to the quick when her husband told her that he couldn’t help but think about his own brother, Darren. Mark said he thought about what his brother was like growing up, and he wondered what it would have done to him if their parents had sent him away like that. It would have devastated him. He’d have never allowed them to do it to Darren, so why did he let it happen with Shawn?
Denise simply insisted that the situation was entirely different. Mark’s brother might have been genuinely homosexual, but this was not the case with her Shawn. He’d been lured into this lifestyle by a predator. It was her job to protect her son from the likes of Bobby Wilder, and she didn’t care one iota what anyone else—including her husband—happened to think about it.
In the days that followed Shawn’s departure, their household was very somber. Denise cried a lot. She questioned herself and wondered at times if she’d done the right thing, but she kept reminding herself that if it worked, it all would have been worth it. It would be six agonizing weeks, but it might save her son from a lifetime of heartbreak. More importantly, it might save him from an eternity of hellfire.
When she got Shawn’s first letter, she eagerly tore open the envelope. Her heart sank when she read the salutation. He’d written the letter to that boy, that boy who was responsible for getting him into this mess in the first place. She was both sad and angry, and she refused to even read the letter all the way through. She threw it in the bottom drawer of her dresser.
The second letter was like the first, as was the third. Eventually she didn’t bother to even open the letters. She just angrily tossed them in that drawer. She couldn’t believe that Shawn was writing to that boy at all. She was half tempted to call the Bible camp and complain. Instead she elected to pray. She prayed numerous times every day, begging God to heal her son. She knew it was a matter of faith, and she was not about to give up.
After five weeks, she finally was allowed to talk to Shawn on the phone. She was so relieved when he told her the program had helped. He’d said he was glad it was over but admitted he’d benefited from the experience. Her heart was overjoyed, and she couldn’t wait to see him.
Her work schedule had prevented her from making the trip to Detroit with Mark. She also felt it might be good for her two men to spend a little time together. She’d be home from her shift long before they returned from the airport, and she’d welcome her son home with open arms. She busied herself that evening in preparation, making Shawn’s favorite meal and a big welcome-home cake.
When they pulled into the drive, she was nearly crying. She couldn’t wait to see him. He stormed in the house, though, and hardly acknowledged her. He raced over to the phone and made a call, then he shot out the door. She looked over at Mark bewildered. What had just happened? She waited until one in the morning for the boy to return. When he did come in, he looked as if his best friend had just died. She tried talking to him, but he ignored her and went straight to bed.
She cried herself to sleep that night.
But the months that followed showed a lot of promise. Shawn had immersed himself in his daily school and work routine, and in many ways was back to being the same old Shawn she’d always known and loved. He didn’t seem very happy, but she rationalized that most kids that age were not overly happy. It was a difficult period of transition for anyone. Being fifteen was challenging. Period.
She was encouraged when his birthday rolled around and he was so jubilant about getting his first car. She was ecstatically proud that spring when Shawn was called to the podium at the annual school awards presentation and given numerous new certificates and plaques. She was impressed by how far he’d progressed in his musical endeavors. The pieces he was playing were magnificent.
He was going to be okay. Everything would be all right. She had her Shawn back.
It was a conversation she had early that summer after Shawn finished the tenth grade that started to bring about a change in her. She was visiting her friend Esther and was telling her about how well Shawn was doing.
“Oh, that’s good to hear,” Esther said, “Ya know I was really worried ’bout that boy.”
“Really?” Denni asked, sipping from her glass of ice tea and then placing it daintily on the table in front of her. “Why do ya say that?”
“Well, just the way that Bobby broke his heart….”
The smile on Denni’s face instantly vanished. “What… uh… what a ya mean?”
“Well, you could just tell how much Shawn loved that boy, and that Bobby, much as I love him, he’s trouble. I kinda thought maybe he let Shawn believe things about them… about their friendship, that wasn’t exactly true….”
“Why would you say that?” Denni asked as she laughed nervously. “I don’t know why you’d think Shawn would believe anything… um, anything like that….”
Esther was instantly taken aback. Her face got very serious, and she leaned in and placed her hand on her friend’s. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I just assumed….”
“What? What did you… what did you assume?”
“Well, I just thought Shawn was, ya know… that way. I never really gave it too much thought. It just seemed obvious… to all of us.”
“That way?”
Esther sighed. “Oh dear. You have no idea, do you?”
“You think my son is a… homosexual?”
“You make it sound like a swear word,” Esther said, laughing. “I don’t mean it that way, honey. If Shawn’s gay, he can’t help it.”
Denni shook her head. “Oh… oh no, no, he isn’t gay. He’s just a very quiet, sensitive boy. He’s very religious, a very devout Christian. He’s not….”
“Ya know, it’s possible for someone to be a Christian and gay at the same time. People choose their religions, but they don’t choose their attractions. That’s nature.”
“Esther,” Denni said, “you surprise me. I’d have never thought….”
“That I’d be so open-minded? Well, ya know Dee-Dee is gay, don’t ya?”
Denni’s mouth nearly hit the table. “What?”
Esther laughed. “You surprise me. How could you not know? I thought everyone knew. It’s not like he keeps it a secret.”
“And you’re fine with this?”
She nodded. “Oh sure. I practically raised that boy. I love him with all my heart. I don’t care if he likes boys, or girls, or chickens, for that matter. I love him ’cause of who he is.”
“Don’t you think it’s wrong, though? Don’t you think it’s a sin?”
Esther shrugged. “Guess that’s between Dee-Dee and God to hammer out. It ain’t none of my concern. All I’m worried about is loving and accepting my baby brother for who he is.”
It was after that conversation that Denni really started to rethink her perceptions. Here all this time she was worried about people judging Shawn when they saw the way he was, and her best friend had seen him and known instantly the truth about him. It hadn’t mattered to her one iota. In fact, she seemed supportive of him. She was more supportive of him than….
Oh my God…I haven’t even supported my own son! It was like a divine revelation, an epiphany. All of this time she had been so worried about what other people would think, and she never once considered what Shawn thought or felt. She never once considered the anxiety that he must have been going through. She never once contemplated his pain.
She spent the afternoon alone in Shawn’s bedroom. She went in there simply to surround herself with his essence. She thought about the little baby she’d given birth to, and all the joy he’d brought into her life. She thought about what an angelic child he’d been. He was always such a good little boy. She thought about all of the struggles he’d had growing up, all the ridicule he’d suffered. She wept.
As she sat there on that mattress she noticed something lumpy underneath her. It just didn’t feel right. She stood up and pressed down on the bed with her palm. There was something under there, she thought. She picked up the corner of the mattress and spotted the item she’d felt. It was a book. She pulled it out and examined it. She was holding Shawn’s diary—his journal.
She sat back down and read it cover to cover.
THAT SUNDAY August morning was very nerve-wrecking for Denni. She knew that she was going to be facing a new challenge that day, and she was scared. She was thankful that she’d have Mark by her side.
After she had discovered Shawn in bed with his boyfriend a year earlier, her husband had contacted his brother in California. Mark had called Darren for advice, and his brother instantly suggested that they attend some support group meetings. He knew of an organization that might benefit them called PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays). When Mark had first suggested it to Denise, she quickly dismissed the idea.
