Love square, p.14
Love Square, page 14
Damn it! Where is he? I should have taken a key when he offered it. At least that way I could let myself in and wait.
I stand there at a loss for what to do next. Not being able to see him never crossed my mind. Just as I’m about to text him to see where he is, the door across the hall opens. Jacob’s friend Brad peeks his head out. Brad’s a good looking guy in a G.Q. sort of way. He has dirty blond hair that is a cropped short, blue eyes and a face that belongs on the cover of a magazine. The first time I met him, I almost drooled. I couldn’t believe Jacob’s friend was this hot.
“Oh, hey! I thought I heard banging out here. He’s not home, Sam. He’s away at some official training for work.” Brad informs me.
“Shit. I forgot all about that. Can you just let him know I stopped by if you talk to him?” I ask with a smile hoping he’ll help me. I never got the impression that Brad liked me. He always watched me like he didn’t trust me or like I wasn’t good enough for his friend.
“Yeah, sure. Listen I have company so I’m going to head back inside. It was nice seeing you,” he says before turning and heading back inside.
“Thanks. Goodnight,” I call out as his door shuts.
I slump against the wall in defeat. This sucks big time. I thought for sure we’d be able to make up tonight. There’s no point in texting him now. If he’s at training, his phone most likely won’t be on anyways. Besides, I want to be face to face with him when we talk, it’s the only way to get him to see reason.
*****
I walk in the house after my trip to the city and the rooms are all dark. It’s not late so I’m wondering why Aiden went to bed so early. I thought for sure he’d be waiting to make sure I got home safely. As I make my way into the family room, a light goes on in the corner and I scream with fright.
Aiden sits in the corner chair with a glass of scotch in one hand while his other releases the pull chain on the lamp. I haven’t been gone long, so the fact that he appears drunk has me a little concerned.
“Well, well… guess you decided to come home. Didn’t find what you were looking for?” He asks cryptically. There is no way he knows where I went, so I’m not sure what he’s getting at.
“I told you I was going for a drive. What’s gotten into you? Why are you drunk?”
He laughs humorlessly at me, shaking his head, a cruel smile curling his lips. “A drive? Is that what we’re calling it now? Funny, I thought it was called fucking around behind your husband’s back!”
My stomach drops to the floor. How could he know about this? Everything was fine before I left the house. And Jacob wasn’t even home. It’s not like I smell of sex or anything.
“What are you talking about Aiden? I think maybe you should put the drink down.” This isn’t good. I’m officially freaking out right now. My mind is racing trying to figure out a way to get out of this situation. How the hell does he know what I’ve done? It’s impossible. I’ve been so careful to keep my two worlds separate.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about. I saw the text messages between you and Jacob on your phone, Sam. I just didn’t say anything because of your grandfather’s funeral. I know you’ve been having an affair… I know!” He ends in a shout, the veins in his neck bulging with the strain.
Oh my god! The phone on the bed! I wondered how it got there. What the hell am I going to do? I never thought I’d get caught so I’m not prepared. I’m trembling with fear. His anger has practically sucked all the air out of the room.
Shit! I can’t think right now. Do I lie to him and tell him it meant nothing? Or do I suck it up and deal with the fact that I’ve essentially been caught with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar? This could be the chance I need to purge all the things I’ve been keeping locked away. I deserve to put my side of the story out there. He needs to understand that the way he acts, affects other people. And I don’t want to insult his intelligence or mine by trying to lie.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” I decide to start with an apology. This isn’t going to be an easy conversation and it doesn’t help any that he’s been drinking and is less likely to think rationally.
“You’re sorry? You disgust me! How could you make love to me and tell me you love me when another man has been inside you?” He stands up and takes a step towards me menacingly.
“I never meant for this to happen.” My eyes plead with him for mercy. “When you wouldn’t touch me or look at me, I started to feel depressed and lonely. I originally told Jacob no when he approached me. But then after Scott’s wedding when you went to bed instead of having sex with me, I felt unloved and no good. So I turned to him for the affection you weren’t giving me.”
“That’s no excuse. If you felt unloved and wanted to change the circumstances you should have talked to me… not gone whoring around with some playboy Casanova,” he hisses at me. Contempt drips off each and every word coming from his lips.
“How could I talk to you when you ignored me most of the time? It was like we were roommates. You didn’t kiss me, didn’t hold me or touch me, nothing! I came home after being gone for two weeks and you didn’t even tell me you missed me. For all I knew you were having an affair too!” I scream in his face. The fact that he sank as low as to call me a whore is fueling my anger.
“That is a low blow! I’ve never been anything but faithful to you. Things have been hectic at work and I’ve been stressed out.” He starts pacing around the room. “You know what? Fine, I take responsibility for my actions and how I may have been distant. But there is no reason why you couldn’t have talked to me about it.”
I start to cry and my anger dissipates. He’s right. I owed him that much. It didn’t matter how awkward the conversation would have been or that I would have been putting myself out there. I made vows to him, vows that I trampled all over at the first sign of real trouble. I’m just as weak as my father.
“Do you realize that you have stomped on my heart and broken my trust?” He asks. The anger in his voice is now replaced by sadness.
“I know and I’m sorry. I just wanted to be happy. You have no idea how miserable I’ve been. And when we couldn’t have a baby I just dived deeper into feeling that way. It’s so hard to want something that badly and then have it just outside your reach. And when you started to pull away, I tried to make myself happy in other ways. I know that sounds terrible but you have to hear what I’m saying.”
“You’re never going to be happy, Sam. Not with me and certainly not with Jacob. Don’t you see that? You’re going to be miserable regardless of who you’re with. You can’t expect someone else to make you happy.”
I refuse to believe him. It can’t be true. I’ve been happy with both of them.
“After the way we’ve connected over these last few weeks, I had hoped you would let him go. I didn’t think you had spoken to him. I figured you were moving on, but you went to see him tonight, didn’t you? Why can’t you just let him go?” His eyes search mine for an answer, one that will make everything better again.
I just shake my head and wrap my arms around my middle. I’m afraid to tell him the truth, that I love Jacob.
“Do you love him?” He asks, my silence leading him to the right conclusion.
I nod, looking down at my feet to avoid the pain in his eyes.
“Fuck! How could you do this to us?” He screams before throwing his glass against the wall, causing ice and shards of glass to fly everywhere. I flinch at the fierceness of his actions.
“I can’t look at you right now. I think one of us needs to leave until we can decide where to go from here. I’m more than willing to get a hotel room.”
“No, no. This is my mess. I’ll go stay with Michelle.” I turn back to look at him before leaving the room, “You do know I love you right? And I’m so unbelievably sorry for what’s happened. I’d take it all back if I could.”
“If that were the case, you wouldn’t have gone to see him tonight.” With that parting shot, he storms out of the room and leaves me standing there speechless.
Chapter Fifteen
It’s late by the time I knock on Michelle’s door. She answers it wearing a face mask and a robe. She obviously wasn’t expecting company. As soon as I see her face, I break down – tears flowing freely down mine.
“Oh, dear,” she mumbles opening the door. Once she sees my suitcase, she instantly puts two and two together. “I see the tornado has swept through.”
I collapse on her couch, my arm over my face and continue to cry. Michelle sits next to me and strokes my head, trying to calm me down.
As my sobs seem to lessen, she asks, “Do you want to talk about it? It might feel good to get it out.”
I nod and tell her everything, from the emails to the affair to Aiden finding out. It’s therapeutic to get it all out there. The only time I was ever able to talk about it was with the girl at the spa in New York. And things got far more complicated after that.
“I think what you need is to focus on you for a bit. Don’t worry about Aiden and definitely don’t worry about Jacob. Concentrate on what Sam wants and what Sam needs. Once you do that, an answer will come to you. Right now you’re too focused on hurting them. You need to step outside the situation and get a clear perspective,” Michelle replies, handing down her sage advice.
I think about what Michelle just said and she’s right, I am too involved with the situation and too afraid to make the wrong decision and hurt everyone. Maybe if I take some time to myself, everything will become clear.
*****
Five days pass before I hear from Aiden. Jacob is still M.I.A. I suppose it’s better that way.
It’s Saturday afternoon when Aiden knocks on Michelle’s door. I’m surprised to see him after the way we left things. He asks if we can talk, so I grab a sweater and we walk towards the park down the street.
We each sit on a swing and stare out at the trees.
Aiden clears his throat to break the silence, “I want to start by apologizing for the things I said to you the other night. I shouldn’t have started drinking, knowing that I would say things I’d regret. You are not a whore and you could never disgust me.” He looks ashamed by his confession.
“I truly am sorry, Aiden. I’ve made a complete mess of things. I’m not sure where to go from here,” I say quietly while digging in the dirt with the toe of my shoe.
“I want you to come home. Let’s work through this. The last month or so has been really good, ever since the picnic when I finally pulled my head out of my ass.” He gives me a small smile. “Please, Sam. I love you.”
“I love you too, but maybe love isn’t enough. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I still have feelings for him, and it’s not fair for me to sleep in bed next to you knowing that fact. I just need time to work this out.”
“I can give you time.” He concedes to my wish. “I want you to think long and hard about this. We’ve been together for a long time and I love you more than anything. Remember what I said when I gave you that ring. I meant every word of it. It would kill me if you walked away for good. But I’ll do anything to make you happy again, even if that means letting you go.”
Tears fill my eyes. How can he be so wonderful when I’ve been so rotten to him?
“Can we at least continue to talk and maybe even see each other? Maybe try going on a few dates?”
“Yeah, I think we can do that. I just need a little more time, you know?”
“Yeah,” he agrees.
We sit swinging back and forth in silence for almost an hour before he stands to leave. Walking back down the street, he reaches for my hand before stopping himself. This is what I wanted to avoid. Sadness marring his handsome face causes my heart to twist painfully in my chest. I really need to get my act together before I continue hurting the people I love.
*****
The curtains are thrown open making me hide my head under the pillow so that the sun can’t hurt my eyes.
“Rise and shine! Today is the day you stop hiding and start living your life again,” Michelle sing-songs before pulling the covers off me.
“Hey! I’m sleeping here. Leave me be!” I grumble before pulling them back up.
“I will not leave you in bed again today. It’s been almost two weeks since Aiden came to see you. Girlfriend, you need to figure some shit out already!” Her tone leaves no room for argument, but I’m not going to cave that easily.
“I don’t want to… it’s too hard!” I fire back petulantly.
“Well, I don’t want you stinking up my guest room any longer. Sit up and talk to me.” She sits down on the edge of the bed and grabs my hand. “Are you done with Jacob? I know you haven’t heard from him since before your grandfather’s funeral. Shouldn’t that be a sign that he’s moved on?”
I lean up on an elbow, pushing the hair out of my eyes. “I don’t know. He was so hurt that day. I think he just wanted some space from me,” I shrug and continue. “He hasn’t heard from me either. I miss him so much, Michelle. Sometimes when I think about him it hurts right here.” I place my hand over my heart and fight back tears.
“You really are torn between them aren’t you? Damn, I wish I had seen what was happening so I could’ve stopped it or something.” Michelle looks as sad as I feel at the realization that my life is a complete fuck up.
“This isn’t your fault. You warned me, but I didn’t listen. I let my libido do all the thinking for me.”
“I could slap Aiden silly for letting things get this out of control.”
“It’s not his fault either… or Jacob’s, so you can stop that line of thought. It’s my own fault. I’m ready to take responsibility for my actions. I’m just not sure where I’m going to go from here.”
“I hate to admit this but if you miss Jacob that much and your heart hurts thinking about him, maybe you should go talk to him. Tell him everything that happened. Just try not to have sex with him. It only makes things more complicated.” She reprimands me like I’m her child.
“I’ll think about it. I’m not sure if I’m ready to make that move yet though.”
“Trust me. You’re more ready than you think. You’ll never know until you take that first step. You owe it to yourself to see if there is something there.”
I can’t believe she’s admitting that to me. I know how much she likes Aiden and me together. The fact that she’s supporting me unconditionally means the world to me. It gives me the strength I need to work this whole thing out.
I lay in bed for the next couple hours contemplating everything she said. My feelings for Jacob have to be genuine if I feel this way with us being apart. It’s the same way I feel when I think about Aiden. I never really gave us a fair shot, though. Aiden was always there in the background. I owe it to Jacob and to myself to see if we could go any further.
Remembering the Red Sox game he took me to or all the times we went and hung out with his friends, makes me think we can. Things were so easy going between us. We had fun, like a real couple. And the sex… god the sex is amazing.
I finally decide to go find Jacob and make him see that we have to try.
Chapter Sixteen
Knocking on the door to Jacob’s apartment, my palms are sweating and I’m extremely fidgety. I can’t wait to tell him about my big decision. I can just imagine the look on his face. He’s going to be thrilled. He has to be! I’m doing this for us. After a few attempts with no answer, I turn to head down the stairs. Rounding the corner, I run into his friend Brad.
“Hey, Brad! Do you know where I can find Jacob? He isn’t answering his phone and it’s really important that I talk to him tonight.”
“Um… well… I know he’s out.” He seems to be having a hard time looking me in the eyes and he appears to be uncomfortable. That’s never a good sign.
“Look, Brad. I hate to put you in this position and normally I wouldn’t, but it’s very important that I talk to him,” I plead. I’m ready to fall at his feet and start begging if I have to. I don’t care that he doesn’t like me. I have nothing to lose at this point.
After what feels like forever, he sighs and his shoulders drop. “Look, I like you well enough and Jake hasn’t told me the whole story, but I do know that you’re married. I also know that he’s reached his limit of secret rendezvous. I don’t want to see Jake get hurt any more than he already has.” He gives me a pointed a look and now I know why he watched me the way he did. Because he was afraid I was going to hurt his friend. Too bad I proved him right on that one.
I don’t owe Brad anything, but I know what I need to do in order for him to tell me what I need to know. “I left my husband for him, but he doesn’t know it yet. I need to find him, to show him I’m in this thing for real. Can you please tell me where he is before I go out of my mind?”
“I’ll tell you where he is, but don’t shoot the messenger once you find out what he’s doing. He’s down at Murphy’s.” He grabs my arm as I turn to leave, “before you go, keep in mind that he hasn’t seen or heard from you in over a month and he hasn’t been doing too good. You deserve to see him as he’ll be tonight before you decide whether or not to pursue this relationship with him. I’m not doing this to hurt you. I just wanted to be honest with you.”
“You’re scaring me, Brad. What am I going to see when I get there?” I need more information. My mind is racing with the different possibilities.
“I’m not going to say anymore. Just go and see for yourself.” With that he heads into his apartment.
A sick feeling is forming in the pit of my stomach, heavy like a rock. That was clearly some sort of warning and I have no idea what to make of it. What could he possibly be talking about? Is Jacob going to be wasted or slutting it up with a bunch of women? I guess there’s only one way to find out. Standing here obsessing over it is getting me nowhere.
Opening the door to Murphy’s, I’m assaulted by the sounds of the Friday night crowd of patrons. Murphy’s is an older Irish pub. It sits in a brick building with the bar running the length of the right side of the room. Tables with red checkered cloths and wooden chairs are situated along the left side of the room and down towards the back. It’s a kick ass pub that I’ve been to a few times with Jacob. Finding him in this crowd isn’t going to be an easy feat. I push my way through the bodies surrounding the bar and wind my way to the back when I don’t see him immediately.
