Fling, p.10
Fling, page 10
‘You’ve come to the guru for this kind of thing, Colin. So here’s how to make your body look good in photos. The first thing you do is put your right leg out . . .’ Rory said, putting out his right leg.
Colin mimicked his movement.
‘. . . then you pivot your body towards the door . . .’ he continued.
Colin did the same, expecting that this would frame his body is some kind of way. ‘OK, now what?’
‘. . . and then you go to the gym, you fat bastard,’ Rory said, collapsing into laughter.
‘Oh for God’s sake, I’m being serious, Rory. I need help!’ Colin said, frustrated.
‘You should have seen your face,’ Rory said, still laughing. ‘But I’m actually being serious. Grab your jacket, we’re going to the gym across the road.’
‘I can’t just leave right now, I have too much on my plate,’ Colin said, making excuses.
‘Yeah, that’s exactly the problem,’ Rory said, pointing at Colin’s midsection.
‘You’re hilarious,’ Colin said, unimpressed. ‘I don’t even have any gym gear.’
‘You can use my spare gear. Plus, I’m your boss and it’s an order.’
‘But I really need—’
‘Remind me what your name is on Fling again?’ Rory said, interrupting him.
‘Jack.’
‘Exactly. So grab your coat and let’s get JACKED!’
Chapter 11
When Tara arrived outside Ann Summers, she popped up her coat collar and put on a pair of sunglasses to disguise herself.
‘Good God, who are you hiding from? The other Marys?’ Emily asked, mocking her.
‘Emily, I can’t just waltz into a sex shop in broad daylight! This is so out of character for me!’ Tara whispered.
‘WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?’ Emily yelled, drawing attention to them.
‘OK, fine! Let’s go in,’ Tara said, taking off her shades and lowering her collar.
‘Right, let’s head to the lingerie section,’ Emily said as they stepped inside. As they walked down the centre aisle, Tara saw some of the sex toys on sale. She didn’t know what half of them even did but she could guess what the more phallic objects were used for. She was genuinely mortified even seeing the most common of sex toys, which was a testament to her naivety. She truly didn’t know where to look and kept averting her eyes. Emily, on the other hand, strutted down the aisle like it was a runway.
‘I feel like I’m doing the walk of shame,’ Tara blushed.
‘I call it the stride of pride,’ Emily smirked.
As they walked through the store, they passed a sign that read ‘Good Vibrators Only’ and Emily stopped momentarily to see if any new arrivals had come in. ‘See one you like?’
Tara nearly lost her life. ‘Absolutely not. I wouldn’t even know how to turn on a vibrator.’
‘They’re supposed to turn you on, silly.’
‘We should go, Emily, I’m scarlet.’
‘I thought you wanted to be a good feminist? If men wouldn’t have burned you during the Salem witch trials then you’re probably not living life to the fullest,’ Emily insisted. ‘Where is all this repression coming from anyway?’
‘I grew up in Catholic Ireland, Emily. It was very different to the Ireland you grew up in,’ Tara tried to explain.
‘But even still. You’re thirty-seven, not seventy. Something doesn’t add up.’
‘I don’t know where it stems from. Maybe it was the nuns who gave me the sex education talk. And my dad was very Catholic too. I guess I’ve just been programmed not to break the rules.’
‘Well, look at it this way,’ Emily said. ‘If you don’t sin, Jesus died for nothing.’
They arrived at the lingerie section and Emily began to look on the rack for something suitable. As she was looking, a sales assistant came up behind them.
‘Can I help . . . ?’ the sales assistant said, startling Tara and causing her to make a shriek that drew the eyes of the other women in the store.
‘Oh my God, you frightened the life out of me,’ Tara said, catching her breath.
‘My apologies, miss. My name is Ava, just let me know if you need help with anything,’ she smiled.
‘No, it’s OK. We’re not looking,’ Tara said, embarrassed.
‘Yes, we are,’ Emily interrupted. ‘My friend here is looking for some lingerie that says: “pin me down and make me yours”.’
‘EMILY!’ Tara shrieked.
‘We have just the thing,’ Ava said. ‘Follow me.’
They followed Ava into the back of the store where a mannequin was wearing a stunning lingerie set made up of a cherry-red lace plunge bra, lace panties and a velvet suspender belt connected to red silk stockings.
‘We call this the Venus, for the woman who knows what she wants,’ Ava said.
Tara stood in awe. It was like a work of art. It somehow felt so dominant and submissive at the same time, like a gift demanding to be unwrapped.
‘We’ll take it,’ Emily said on Tara’s behalf.
‘EMILY!’ Tara said, in shock. ‘I can’t pull this off. This is for a woman oozing with confidence. I’ll look like a stuffed ham in it.’
‘Will you stop putting yourself down. You said Jack is expecting a photo tonight. Do you really think he’ll text back when he sees your granny knickers?’
‘Well, if you’re looking to impress a man with some erotic photos, the Venus will certainly get his attention,’ Ava added.
Tara knew if she didn’t buy it today, she never would.
‘OK,’ Tara said, daring herself. ‘I’ll take it!’
When Ava rang the items up at the till, Tara almost had heart failure once she heard the price. ‘One hundred and twenty-six euro?’ Tara gasped. She had never spent more than ten euro on underwear in her life.
‘It’s a special occasion, Tara,’ Emily said, trying to justify it to her.
Although Tara was shocked, she knew she couldn’t present herself to Jack in her usual undergarments. Anyway, she had spent years not feeling sexy and she deserved a day off from Catholic guilt. She put her card into the machine and entered her pin.
‘Perfect. Here’s your receipt,’ Ava said, handing it to her along with the bag of lingerie.
‘We’re going to be using your fitting rooms before we leave. This woman has some selfies to take.’
‘Of course, right down at the back,’ Ava said. Emily headed down towards the fitting rooms and Tara chased after her with her bag of lace.
‘Wait, we’re taking the photos here? We’re supposed to be at work! I’m supposed to be your mentor!’ Tara said, chasing after her.
‘Well, today I’m the mentor and you’re the student so get in there and lace up!’ Emily said, pointing to an empty stall.
Tara didn’t resist any further because she was secretly dying to try on the items. She entered the dressing room and started to change. After a few minutes of figuring out where everything went, Tara pulled back the curtain to reveal a body worthy of sculpture.
‘Oh my God! Clean up on aisle ME!’ Emily shouted throughout the store.
‘Shh,’ Tara said, embarrassed by the attention. Tara walked out of the dressing room and looked at herself in the full-length mirror. She was every bit as shocked as Emily. It was like looking through a window to her past. She looked good. And she felt good.
‘Jack, eat your heart out,’ Tara said, taking in her own image.
‘I’m starting to like Claire more than Tara,’ Emily said. ‘This Jack has turned you into a whole new woman.’
‘There’s something about him, Emily. It’s like he sees me. The real me.’
‘Well, he’s definitely about to see the real you with these pics.’
‘OK . . . so now what do I do?’
‘Nudes are all about the angles. Everybody looks better from a high angle, looking down. So hold your phone up high and take a selfie facing downwards. But don’t forget to crop out your face. Never send full body nudes or believe me, somebody will leak them. You can’t trust anyone,’ Emily explained, with an air of experience.
‘Oh God, did someone leak yours?’ Tara asked, concerned.
‘Oh, I leaked my own nudes. I can’t even trust myself,’ Emily laughed.
Tara followed Emily’s instructions and held her phone up high to take a selfie. She obscured her face and pointed the camera at her breasts. They looked exquisite in the red lace push-up bra, if she did say so herself.
She was beaming with confidence at this point and she took about a dozen other pics from different angles, showing off the lingerie in all its glory. After a few minutes, and plenty of instructions from Emily, she was confident she had got the perfect pic for Jack.
‘That’s it, that’s the money shot!’ Emily said, seeing the final image. ‘I’m calling it The Rebirth of Venus and hanging it in the Louvre.’
‘Well, that’s a bit generous, Emily, but thank you,’ Tara said, flattered. ‘Although I still can’t quite believe I had the confidence to walk into a sex shop and not care what people think.’
‘Tara, can I let you in on a little secret?’
‘By all means.’
‘Confidence isn’t just when you stop caring what people think. It’s when you stop thinking that people care. Usually when you think people are judging you, it’s all in your head.’
‘You’re right,’ Tara said, looking around. ‘I have nothing to be ashamed of.’
‘Then my work here is done. The student has become the master. Or should I say . . . the mistress,’ Emily said proudly.
‘Thanks so much for your help, Emily. I hope this is still valuable experience for your CV.’
‘Content creation is a very important skill these days.’
‘OK, let me just change out of this before we go,’ Tara said, pulling the curtain closed.
‘Nope,’ Emily said, pulling the curtain back open. She grabbed Tara’s pair of granny knickers off the floor. ‘These are going in the bin.’
Chapter 12
As Colin put on Rory’s gym gear in the locker room, he found it to be a little tight around his waist. ‘Aren’t gym clothes supposed to be comfortable?’ he asked, frustrated.
‘No, rookie mistake,’ Rory explained. ‘The gym is where I pick up most women. It’s full of raw sexual instinct. We’re in the wild here. Pure Darwinian natural selection.’
‘I don’t think women even really care that much about muscles.’
‘They say they don’t, which means they do. I didn’t invent jungle law, Colin. I just obey it. And if my gym gear is too tight, don’t be discouraged. Try and keep your chins up.’
‘I’m not fat!’ Colin said defensively.
‘Oh stop taking everything I say so seriously, I’m only winding you up. You’re actually in decent shape. But we need to get you a good pump for these pics.’
Rory led Colin on to the gym floor. It wasn’t overly busy but Colin was still intimidated by all the v-shaped backs and rock hard abs. He had got into weightlifting in college and gained an impressive amount of strength in the one year he attended the college gym. But his testosterone levels would have been a lot higher back then so he would likely be starting from scratch now.
‘OK, so first things first, we need to discuss your problem areas,’ Rory said when they arrived in the free weights section.
Colin looked in the mirror as Rory circled him, scanning his body for flaws.
‘Right, so the overall problem is that you have a dad bod,’ Rory concluded.
‘How can I have a dad bod? I’m not even a dad!’ Colin said, annoyed by the term.
‘Doesn’t stop you telling dad jokes, does it? Look, you’re not fat, but you’re not exactly toned either. But don’t worry, you’re giving me a lot to work with here. I see a lot of potential.’
‘This feels like that show Queer Eye that Tara watches. Except you’re a flaming heterosexual.’
‘The good news is, you’re in a very good position to tone up,’ Rory continued. ‘We just need to focus on burning some fat. Think of your fat as a marble sculpture, we just need to chisel some off to reveal the muscle underneath.’
‘I think that makes sense.’
‘Now, personally, the only cardio I do is sex,’ Rory said, raising his voice so an attractive woman in leggings would hear. ‘But that’s not really an option for you. Instead, I think you should focus on good old-fashioned heavy lifting.’
Colin was intimidated by the idea, considering how long it had been since he was last in shape. Still, Rory did have a great physique and he was willing to trust his advice. Personal trainers were expensive after all, and Colin was essentially getting one for free.
Rory had even set up his own PT business when he was twenty-five that he claimed would ‘change the face of fitness’. He had bought a van, filled it with gym equipment and began travelling door-to-door, taking the gym directly to his clients. It was a good idea on paper, but in retrospect, the brand name ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’ may not have been the best the decision.
‘OK, teach me more, guru,’ Colin said, inflating Rory’s ego.
‘We’re going to start with the foundation of all bodybuilding. The bench press,’ Rory said, putting a towel over a bench to mark his territory. ‘Now, some guys will tell you that squats and deadlifts are more important, but trust me, women care more about a big chest than big thighs. It’s the law of the jungle. And I’m the expert on jungle law. I’m the alpha.’
‘Calling yourself the alpha doesn’t sound like something an alpha would do,’ Colin said, trying to humble him. An impossible task.
Rory began stacking weight plates onto a steel barbell above the bench.
‘Watch my movements,’ he said, sitting down and gripping the barbell. ‘Arch your back. Arms shoulder-length apart. Firm grip on the bar. Bring it down to your chest slowly. Then slowly push it back up.’
Rory put the barbell back down on the rack and got up off the bench. ‘You’re up,’ he instructed.
Colin lay back on the bench and gripped the barbell. He knew the basics from college but he still wanted to make sure his form was correct.
‘OK, arch your back,’ Rory coached him. ‘Firm grip, lower the bar slowly. And push back up. Good. Now repeat eight times.’
Colin completed eight repetitions and didn’t feel very challenged.
‘Nice one. So that was thirty kilos, let’s try forty,’ Rory said, loading two more small plates.
‘That seemed kind of light though, can we double it?’ Colin asked.
‘Wow, OK, big man, let’s double it to sixty then,’ Rory said, adding the extra plates. Colin performed eight reps of sixty kilos with surprising ease. He felt a little resistance on the last rep but it was nothing too intense. But he most certainly felt the pump Rory had mentioned. He could feel the blood coursing through his chest and it made it look significantly bigger in the mirror.
‘OK, now that you’ve got a nice pump going, it’s time to take some pics. Take out your phone and get closer to the mirror. Close enough to the camera in the photo,’ Rory instructed.
Colin approached the mirror so that he could only see his body on screen. He sucked in his stomach, held his breath and took the photo. Rory leaned over to see it.
‘Straighten up, you have the posture of a question mark,’ Rory said, hyperbolic as always.
Colin straightened his spine and put his shoulders back.
‘Better,’ Rory said, examining him intensely. ‘But widen your frame a bit more. You want to make your upper body appear bigger than your waist. So stick out your lat muscles.’
‘Which ones are my lat muscles again?’ Colin said, clueless.
‘Your side muscles on your back, stick them out and widen your back.’
Colin widened his back and immediately saw a difference in his appearance. He had a far manlier frame just by changing that one thing. That, coupled with his new pump, made Colin appear quite attractive on his phone’s screen. He took a few photos in this position, feeling very happy with the result. He only hoped that Claire would feel the same.
Rory grabbed his phone and had a look at the photos.
‘Not bad, let’s just filter these.’
‘Why do they need to be filtered?’
‘Because your pasty Irish skin makes you look like a milk bottle. We need to make you look like you’ve seen the sun at least once in your life.’ Rory worked some kind of magic on Colin’s phone and he suddenly had a nice golden tan in the photo.
‘See, now Claire will think you’re just home from a two-week trip to Bali.’
Colin had no idea how Rory had done that on his phone but he wasn’t going to question it. Filtering a photo was an alien concept to him. He had no social media presence whatsoever so his self-image wasn’t something that ever crossed his mind. Plus, this was the first ‘dating’ app he had ever used and the idea of appearing attractive online was very new territory for him. But now that he saw his idealized self on the screen, he liked what he saw. It was like a mirror that reflected things not how they were, but rather how they could be.
‘These look great,’ Colin said. ‘I just hope Claire likes them.’
‘Oh she will. And they’ll give you the perfect opportunity to ask her to meet up this weekend.’
‘This weekend? Isn’t that a bit soon?’
‘With women, you have to strike when the iron is hot.’
‘But where should I take her? What if she says no?’ Colin panicked.
‘You have to go big or go home if you want to impress her. You need to invite her to The Vine on Dawson Street. No woman can resist it. She’ll be like a moth to a flame.’
‘There’s no way I’m going to get a table for this weekend. They’re always fully booked weeks in advance,’ Colin said disheartened.
‘Yeah, but yours truly happens to be a very valued customer. Don’t worry, I’ll be able to get Jack a table for two,’ Rory said with full confidence. ‘Now, let’s move on to bicep curls.’
