Fling, p.18
Fling, page 18
Colin felt like banging his head against the wall. But if he started a fight now, he’d be the bad guy and Tara would play the victim in therapy. He needed Tara to start the fight, not him. He had to bite his tongue and stick to his plan.
‘No problem . . . babe,’ he said, overemphasizing the word she hated so much. Colin headed into the kitchen and looked around for an opportunity to vex her in any way possible. He noticed that the recycling bin was full and needed to be emptied but the regular waste bin was only half full.
Bingo.
Colin picked up the recycling bin and poured half the rubbish into general waste. The rattling of the waste made plenty of noise and he knew it would get Tara’s attention.
‘What are you doing?’ Tara said, storming in.
‘Oh, the recycling bin is full so I’m just making some space,’ he said, provoking her.
‘Are you serious?’ she snapped. ‘You can’t mix the two!’
‘Well, I’m just so glad the general waste and the recyclable waste are finally learning to compromise,’ Colin said smugly.
‘That’s not how it works, Colin. If we just dump everything, it’ll end up in the ocean and kill the turtles,’ she said frantically.
‘Yeah, but I was thinking . . . what have the turtles ever really done for me, you know?’ Colin said, taking pleasure in annoying her.
Tara’s blood was boiling but she wasn’t about to let Colin make her lose her temper.
‘Whatever you say, honeybun,’ she said with a smile that almost killed her.
Colin began walking towards the fridge for some food. When he opened the door, he was greeted by a fully stocked jungle of fruits and vegetables. There wasn’t a single space on the shelf that didn’t have something green on it.
‘Why does our fridge look like a farmer’s market stall?’ Colin asked, confused.
‘Because, honeybun . . . we’re going VEGAN!’ she said, clapping her hands together like a toy monkey holding cymbals.
‘I’m sorry?’ Colin said in shock.
‘Yes, it’s official. We’re stopping eating all animals and animal products.’
‘If humans aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of food?’
‘Honeybun, it seems like you’re a little hangry. Would you like me to air fry you some Brussels sprouts for dinner?’
‘No thank you, babe. I’ve suddenly lost my appetite,’ he said, closing the fridge.
‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to be one of those vegans who keeps talking about being vegan all the time,’ she said.
‘You mean like you’re doing now?’ he said snidely. Colin knew he had to up his game. He rattled his brain for something that had driven Tara up the wall in the past.
Then, suddenly, a lightbulb.
‘As much as I’d love to go vegan, babe, now’s just not a good time. I need all my vitamins and minerals for growing my beard.’
‘Your . . . beard?’ she asked, taken aback. ‘Colin, you tried to grow a beard before, remember?’
‘Yeah, but I didn’t really commit to it. I should have given it more time.’
‘You gave it six months and it was just random patches of black, grey and ginger hair. You looked like a registered sex offender!’ Tara said, petrified that he was serious.
‘But this time, I’m going all in. I’ll need to give it a good year. It’ll all be worth it in the end. Now, if you’ll excuse me, babe, I’m going to go watch the match in my man cave,’ he said, heading into the living room.
‘I THINK YOU MEAN ZEN DEN!’ she yelled after him.
Tara realized she wasn’t getting anywhere. He seemed to be playing some kind of game of his own. Or perhaps he was playing her at her own game, she couldn’t tell.
Either way, it was time to up the ante.
‘You get comfortable and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea,’ Tara called into the living room, boiling the kettle. Colin took his tea in a very specific way, with the teabag soaking for at least sixty seconds and with barely a thimble of full-fat milk. There was nothing he hated more than weak, milky tea. Once the kettle had boiled, Tara put the teabag in Colin’s least favourite mug and stirred it for less than five seconds before taking it out. She then filled the mug up with the newly purchased almond milk until the tea turned white.
Having rearranged the furniture back to normal, Colin was already watching Manchester United play Liverpool on the TV. He faintly heard Tara creep into the room like a silent assassin. He knew she was up to something but he couldn’t figure out her endgame. Only one thing was certain.
They were engaged in a battle of wits.
‘TEA TIME!’ she shouted, nearly lifting him off the couch.
‘JESUS! You certainly know how to keep me on my toes, babe,’ he said, taking his cup of tea.
The second his lips touched the hot liquid, he knew something was wrong.
‘How is it, honeybun?’ she said, smiling like a parody of a fifties housewife.
Colin wanted to spit the disgusting contents of his mouth out all over the room, but he was determined to keep his composure. ‘Just perfect, babe,’ he replied, not giving her the satisfaction.
He placed his mug down on the coffee table, directly beside one of the coasters, something he knew would drive Tara crazy. Tara almost winced when she saw what he had done but she bit her tongue and feigned a painful smile instead.
‘I hope you don’t mind, but I called your mother earlier to find out what time you were born at.’
‘And why exactly did you do that?’ Colin asked, genuinely puzzled.
‘So I could give you a full astrological birth-chart reading, silly!’ she squeaked, as she took out her phone.
‘Let me guess? Mercury is in Lucozade again?’
‘It’s retrograde, honeybun,’ she said, opening a zodiac app on her phone. ‘So we know your sun is in Taurus but did you know your moon is in Leo? Makes so much sense now that I think about it. And listen to this. Uranus is in Cancer!’
‘What is this? A colonoscopy?’
‘Think of it more as a Colinoscopy. It’s all about what makes you, you,’ Tara grinned.
‘Well, better to have Uranus in Cancer than Cancer in Uranus,’ Colin smirked. ‘You know, it’s too bad you didn’t marry the Zodiac Killer, babe. He would have loved all this stuff. I bet he was a Gemini.’
Colin put his feet directly up on top of the coffee table, something he was sure would get a vocal reaction. Tara still didn’t react. She refused to. She needed him to be the one to snap.
‘Do you not get bored watching the ball go back and forth?’ she asked, looking at the match on the screen.
‘That’s not what football is about. It’s about strategy. It’s about outwitting the other team.’
‘I think Liverpool will win.’
‘ARE YOU JOKING?’ Colin yelled, a die-hard Manchester fan since he was five.
Tara knew that asking stupid questions during a match was Colin’s biggest pet peeve and she had finally got a more vocal reaction out of him. She was on to something. Thankfully, Emily had suggested just the question that she knew would infuriate him.
‘Colin,’ Tara said softly as she moved closer to him. ‘I have to ask you something.’
‘What?’ Colin said, still watching the match.
‘It’s important, Colin!’ she said, trying to get his undivided attention.
‘OK, OK, what is it?’ Colin said, turning to her.
‘Would you still love me if I was a worm?’ Tara said, her tone deadly serious. A part of her wanted to laugh but she couldn’t break character now. She had to commit to the question.
‘Excuse me?’ Colin said, thinking he had surely misheard her.
‘Like if I turned into a worm, would you still love me?’ Tara said.
‘What kind of a stupid question is that?’
‘It’s not a stupid question, Colin. It’s a very important question.’
‘How on earth is that important?’
‘Because if I turn into a worm someday, I want to know if you’re just going to get up and leave me!’ Tara said, pretending to be hysterical.
‘Why would you turn into a worm?’ Colin said, getting visibly more irritated that the match was being ruined on him.
‘Just answer the question, Colin!’ she said, now in full-swing histrionics.
‘Dear Jesus, if you were a worm, I wouldn’t know it was you, so I would probably squash you by accident.’
‘No, you would know it was me,’ Tara said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
‘How on earth would I know it was you?’
‘I’d still be able to talk.’
‘Then . . . no,’ Colin said, now calm and collected.
‘No, what?’
‘No, I wouldn’t still love you if you were a worm. Because if you could talk, you’d spend all day asking me stupid questions while I tried to watch the match,’ Colin said matter-of-factly.
‘Wow . . . and here I was thinking you were loyal,’ she said, pretending to be hurt. ‘So you’d just throw me in the bin, would you?’
‘Babe, of course not,’ he said calmly.
‘Really?’
‘I’d recycle you.’
‘You can’t recycle worms, Colin!’ Tara snapped.
‘And what about me? Would you still love me if I was a worm?’ Colin asked, turning the question back on her.
‘You already are a worm!’
‘Great, we can be worms together,’ Colin said as he took another sip of tea, forgetting it tasted horrible. He was almost at boiling point but he cooled down his internal temperature by focusing on his objective. He had one more play. There was nothing Tara valued more than her beauty sleep. If Colin could get in the way of it, she would surely banish him to the couch immediately.
‘Oh, I forgot to tell you, I’m reading this new book that says successful people wake up at five a.m. every morning, without fail. You don’t mind if I set an alarm for five, do you, babe?’ Colin said, knowing victory was in sight.
‘Five a.m.?’ Tara laughed. ‘You’re not waking me up at five a.m.!’
‘You’re always telling me I should read more books to help me work on myself. I’m just trying to make you happy,’ he said, shrugging.
‘Getting up at five a.m. is just pure madness!’
‘Well, you know what they say about madness and genius. I guess that’s why so many CEOs get up at five a.m. Early bird gets the worm! Oh, you can be my worm, babe!’ Colin said, in an annoyingly chirpy tone.
Colin could see the vein on Tara’s temple protruding like a river of rage.
Her blood had officially come to a boil.
Checkmate.
‘WELL, IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE WAKING UP AT FIVE A.M., YOU CAN GO BACK TO SLEEPING ON THE FECKIN’ COUCH!’ Tara screamed as she stormed out of the room, defeated.
Manchester scored a goal on-screen and Colin leaped out of his seat with excitement. He had beaten Tara in their little battle of wits and he was now free to chat to Claire at 11.11 every night.
Chapter 23
TUESDAY – 11.11 P.M.
Jack: Hey there, stranger
Claire: Jack, I owe you a huge apology
I’m so so sorry for standing you up
Please don’t hate me x
Jack: I could never hate you. But it did hurt when you didn’t show up.
What happened?
Claire: Long story short, I felt like I was about to be caught.
I just completely panicked and deleted the app.
I think maybe we rushed into meeting
Can you forgive me? x
Jack: I forgive you, Claire, but you do need to be punished
Claire: Punish me, Jack, make me pay for what I’ve done x
Jack: Oh, we’ll get to that . . . Making you wait is part of your punishment
Claire: I haven’t stopped thinking about you
Even when I’m with my husband, it’s you that’s taking me all the way x
Jack: Only a real man like me can take you all the way
When I’m with my wife, all I can think about is you in that red lingerie . . .
Claire: My husband doesn’t even know I own that. It’s for you and you only x
Jack: Still, your husband is one lucky man getting to enjoy the body underneath the lingerie
Claire: Too bad he doesn’t appreciate it
Jack: If it were me, I’d be making sure your body was appreciated every single night . . .
Not just appreciated . . . worshipped
Claire: Ugh, there you go again knowing the exact right thing to say x
I wish you could just break in and save me x
Jack: I’d give anything . . .
Claire: Do you ever feel like you’re trapped in your own life?
Jack: Constantly. Sometimes I feel like I’m not really living . . . I’m just existing
Claire: Yes! I had a terrible void in my chest for so long
It only goes away when you’re in my life
I guess that’s why I missed you x
Jack: Honestly, I really thought I’d lost you.
I checked every day to see if your little green light would appear
Claire: I thought when I deleted the app, my profile was gone forever
As soon as I realized I could sign back in, I came back x
Jack: I’m so glad you did
Life felt so empty without you
Claire: Maybe we were lovers in a past life x
Jack: Maybe I was an old Irish king and you were my queen
Claire: Or maybe you were a Greek sculptor and I was your muse x
Jack: No, I’d be too greedy . . .
I’d keep all your sculptures to myself so I wouldn’t have to share that perfect body
Claire: You’re the one with the amazing body!
Sometimes I see a man in gym gear on the street and I wonder if it’s you
Jack: I always wonder if we’ve crossed paths or met in real life
Claire: We definitely haven’t
Jack: What makes you so sure?
Claire: Because if we had met, we would have had an affair ages ago x
Jack: You’re right haha
Our chemistry would have erupted
Claire: It certainly has in my fantasies x
Jack: Oh you’ve been fantasizing about me have you?
Claire: It’s hard not to. You’re all I can think about x
Can I tell you a secret? x
Jack: Of course
Claire: I love the idea of you taking me any way you want
Walking up behind me and grabbing me in your big arms
Kissing me like you own me
In total control x
Jack: You’d fight your feelings at first
But I’d whisper ‘Let go’ in your ear
And you’d give in to the pleasure
Claire: It feels so good to be able to talk like this
I always feel ashamed for having that kind of fantasy x
Jack: You should never be ashamed of pleasure
And a woman like you deserves all the pleasure in the world
Claire: I know you’d give me what I deserve x
Jack: All night long
Well, my schedule happens to be open every night at 11.11
Claire: What a coincidence . . . so is mine x
Now . . . tell me how you’re going to punish me for missing our date . . .
WEDNESDAY – 11.11 P.M.
Jack: Hey there, stranger
How was your day?
Claire: I was very bad today . . .
Jack: Oh really?
Claire: I left work again to go buy some new lingerie . . .
Just for you x
Jack: I think I might just be the luckiest man alive
Do I get a sneak peek?
Claire: Well, it would have been a waste of money if I didn’t show it off . . .
But it’s just my body again, no face pics x
Jack: Don’t worry, I know the rules
Claire: Image Delivered
Image Delivered
Image Delivered
Jack: OH MY GOD!
The blue one is even sexier than the red!
How do you keep getting hotter and hotter?
Claire: I guess you just get me all steamed up x
Jack: I wish I’d taken some more gym photos for you, but I wasn’t there today
Claire: Don’t worry, I love showing off for you x
If my colleagues knew I was taking lingerie pics on my lunch break haha
Jack: Can you imagine if it turned out we worked together?
Claire: Oh God, if you were one of the men I work with, I’d run a mile haha
Jack: Are they awful?
