‘No,’ said Sam. ‘I don’t want to re-sit. I don’t want to go to college. I just want to play in a band.’

  ‘That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard,’ said Daniel. ‘You need qualifications.’

  ‘Grandad’s done OK without them.’ Sam shrugged his shoulders.

  ‘Great, you’re taking advice from someone who’s bummed his way round the world, never taking any responsibility for his life or those around him. What’s Grandad got to bloody do with it?’ said Daniel, who was beyond furious now. How dare Reggie get involved? It was none of his business.

  ‘At least he listens to me.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ asked Daniel.

  ‘You and Mum don’t care about what I want to do,’ shouted Sam. ‘All you care about is me not showing you up to your friends.’

  ‘Sam!’ said Beth sounding shocked. ‘You know that’s not true.’

  It was a nasty blow, and something inside Daniel snapped.

  ‘How dare you? Your whole life all Mum and I have done is want the best for you. We want the best for you now, and if that means retaking your A Levels, you are going to do it!’

  ‘Stop it! The pair of you,’ said Beth. ‘This isn’t helping.’

  ‘I will not,’ said Daniel. ‘I’ve been far too patient for far too long. Sam, you are going to redo your A Levels and that is that.’

  ‘You can’t make me,’ said Sam.

  ‘Well what else are you going to do?’ said Daniel. ‘You have no money without us, and no future if you don’t re-sit. You have to do as we say.’

  ‘No I don’t,’ said Sam. ‘I’m eighteen, and it’s my life, not yours. I don’t need this shit. I’m going to do what I want.’

  ‘Which is?’

  ‘Be a musician like Grandad.’

  ‘Not under our roof you’re not,’ said Daniel.

  ‘Then I won’t stay under your roof,’ raged Sam. ‘I’m going to go and live with Grandad.’

  With that, he walked out of the house.

  ‘Well done,’ said Beth sarcastically. Daniel put his head in his hands in despair.

  Lou

  I’ve been at home for a few days because I’m cross with Jo. I still can’t believe that she ditched me at the last moment before Beth’s party. Well, I can actually. She used to do this all the time before. I had hoped she’d changed, but clearly she hasn’t.

  Mum isn’t impressed at all.

  ‘You shouldn’t let her walk all over you,’ she says. ‘You should stand up to her.’

  ‘Like you do to Dad?’ I say. ‘Don’t be such a hypocrite.’

  Since the dishwasher incident, Dad has been trying a bit harder, and now she’s not so tied up with Ged, Rachel and the baby, Mum seems to be letting him off the hook again. She’s allowing herself to be sucked back in every bit as much as I am. I’ve noticed in the last week she’s even missed her precious Zumba classes. I hope she’s not backsliding. I’d hate for her to just slip back into her old routines. I liked the new, independent Mum.

  ‘That’s different,’ says Mum. ‘We’ve been married for a long time.’

  ‘How is it different?’ I say. ‘Dad cheated on you, you’ve let him come home, and you still run around after him as if he’s three.’

  ‘That’s enough,’ says Mum, who is clearly getting annoyed. ‘Your dad and I are working things out. I’m just concerned that this Jo doesn’t seem to have your best interests at heart. I think you shouldn’t let her push you about, and let her know how you feel about things.’

  ‘You’re right, Mum,’ I sigh. ‘It’s not that easy though. I love her. I don’t want to lose her again.’

  ‘Oh love,’ says Mum, ‘I know how you feel, but you have to stand up for yourself, otherwise it’ll never work. Believe me.’

  I know she’s right, and it’s what Maria’s being saying to me too. I have come to really trust Maria’s judgement. I could Skype her now and talk it through, but deep down I know what I need to do. It’s so hard though. It’s not as if I have the best role model for relationships. For some reason, Beth was able to shake off the way our parents have always been to one another and set up a better dynamic with Daniel. But I’m different. I have always been a people-pleaser; Mum is too. I’m beginning to see it hasn’t done either of us much good. If I really want things to work with Jo, something has to change. So I give her a ring.

  ‘Jo,’ I say, ‘we need to talk.’

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Lou

  I’ve arranged to meet Jo in a bar in London. I don’t want to go to her flat, otherwise she’ll try to deflect me and I won’t be able to say what I need to say. I really need to say it; I cannot go on like this. Much as I love Jo, Mum is right; she pushes me about and I let her. It’s no way to live. I need to put an end to it.

  ‘What’s this all about?’ says Jo – she turns up looking absolutely stunning. I swallow hard. This is going to be so difficult. She’s late of course though, which hardens my heart somewhat. ‘You’ve been dead sulky for the last couple of weeks.’

  ‘Jo,’ I look at her in exasperation. ‘Have you really no idea why?’

  ‘No,’ says Jo. ‘Have I done something wrong?’

  Suddenly as I look at her, it’s as if the scales have fallen from my eyes. Jo is never going to change. And neither am I. I’m always going to be running after her, expecting her to be thinking about me the way I do about her, and it’s never going to happen. I either accept that, or I change my destiny. Love isn’t enough after all. I deserve more. I deserve better.

  ‘Jo,’ I say, ‘it’s not about you doing things wrong, it’s about what you don’t do. You never think of me; you’re always letting me down. I can’t go on like this.’

  ‘How? How do I let you down?’ says Jo. She still doesn’t get it.

  ‘By not turning up to my sister’s birthday party, by blowing me out constantly when a better offer comes along. Jo, I’m sorry, I can’t do this any more.’

  ‘What are you saying?’ There’s a wobble in her voice, and I am so tempted to put my arms around her and say it’s going to be all right, but for my sanity I can’t.

  ‘I’m saying it’s over,’ I say.

  Her face crumples, and I realise she’s not been expecting this.

  ‘Lou,’ she says, ‘I need you. I love you so much. I can’t cope without you.’

  And I know she does. She really does love me. I love her too, but it’s not enough. It makes me sad, but I know I’m doing the right thing.

  ‘It’s not about how much we love one another,’ I say sadly. ‘It’s about the way we are together. I’ve let you run rings around me and dominate me for too long. That’s my fault, not yours, but I can’t live a life like that. I deserve better. We’re no good for each other, can’t you see?’

  ‘You’re wrong,’ says Jo. ‘We’re so right for each other. I’ve never known anyone like you before.’

  ‘And I’ve never known anyone like you,’ I say, tears in my eyes. ‘Jo – you’ll always be really special to me, you’ve made me feel worth loving, but it’s not enough.’

  ‘I’m better with you,’ says Jo. ‘I don’t want to be without you.’

  I nearly wobble then. She’s saying all the things I always wanted her to say, but it’s too late.

  ‘But I'm worse with you,’ I say gently. ‘I’m sorry. It’s not going to work, not long term.’

  ‘I can change,’ says Jo. ‘I promise to change.’

  ‘No,’ I say sadly, ‘I really don’t think you can.’

  And that’s that. I walk out of the bar with tears in my eyes, but as I walk, I start to feel lighter somehow. I’ve done the right thing. Time to take charge of the rest of my life.

  Daniel

  Sam hadn’t been in contact since he walked out of the house. The atmosphere at home had been tense and moody. Beth blamed Daniel completely for what had happened. ‘If you hadn’t gone off on one,’ she said, ‘we could have talked about it rationally. What if he never comes back?’

  They knew he was at Reggie’s, because Reggie had let them know, and Megan let slip that Reggie had come round to collect Sam’s stuff when Beth and Daniel weren’t in. Sam wanted to avoid them that much. Megan was the only other member of the family Sam would countenance seeing, so they had to rely on updates from her as to how he was doing. It was breaking Daniel’s heart.

  Of all the people for Sam to turn to, why did he have to go to Reggie? Couldn’t he have gone to a friend’s? It made Daniel feel both enraged and impotent. But most of all, he was angry with himself. He’d done with his son what he’d vowed never to do, and behaved the way Reggie used to with him. He was his father’s son after all. Was it any wonder Sam didn’t want to see him? He had only himself to blame, as Beth kept reminding him. They were snapping at each other horribly without Sam in the house. Daniel found that the anger and poison that he’d been holding down inside of him was leeching out in waves, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. However hard he tried, it poured out of him, mainly directed at Beth. She only had to load the dishwasher the wrong way and he would shout at her. He knew he wasn’t being fair, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. All this time he’d worked so hard to be different from Reggie, and it turned out he was exactly the same.

  ‘Is Sam ever coming home?’ Megan asked one day over dinner.

  ‘Of course he is,’ said Daniel firmly. ‘Once he’s got over his bad mood, he’ll be fine and we can sort all this out. He just needs to take some responsibility for his life.’

  Beth looked at him incredulously.

  ‘He needs to take responsibility?’ she said. ‘He’d still be here if you hadn’t been so hard on him.’

  ‘Well your nagging didn’t help him, did it?’ snapped Daniel. ‘We’ve both done this.’

  ‘No,’ said Beth coldly. ‘You did this. If you’d only tried to meet your dad halfway, none of this would be happening.’ She got up from the table. ‘There’s no point discussing it any further. I’m going to do some work.’

  Megan burst into tears.

  ‘Please don’t fight,’ she said. ‘I hate it when you fight.’

  Beth gave her daughter a hug, ‘It’ll be fine, darling, I promise. We’re not fighting.’

  But she didn’t look at Daniel and he felt a deep sense of dismay. His family was broken and he didn’t know how to put it together again.

  Beth

  It’s been two weeks since Sam left home. He finally cracked and texted me to say he was all right, but he refuses to contact Daniel. I can’t say I blame him. I’ve seen a side of Daniel I really don’t like. I know he’s under pressure, but he’s being an idiot. I have never been so angry with him in our whole married life and I miss Sam so much, it’s making me miserable.

  I’m rushing out of the house to go to London for a meeting with Vanessa and Jack. I am so unhappy at home that it’s actually a huge relief. I haven’t thought about Jack much in the last fortnight, I’ve been so wrapped up in my own unhappiness, but the thought of seeing him today is lightening my mood. Nothing can happen in a meeting. Everything will be fine, but a little light friendly banter won’t hurt, and it might just lift my spirits.

  Daniel makes a bitchy comment about Jack before I leave, but I let it pass. I don’t want to encourage any suspicions he has.

  I go to say goodbye to Megan, who is still lying in bed.

  ‘Are you going to be in bed all day?’ I say.

  She shrugs. This situation is hard on her.

  ‘Are you feeling OK?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she says.

  ‘I’ve got to dash,’ I say, ‘I’ll see you later.’

  ‘Mum?’ Something in her tone catches my attention.

  ‘Is everything all right, Megan?’ I say. ‘You do know you can talk to me about anything bothering you, don’t you?’

  ‘It’s just you and Dad,’ says Megan. ‘You’re not going to get a divorce – are you?’

  I’m shocked. ‘Of course not, sweetheart, whatever gave you that idea?’

  ‘When Amelie’s parents divorced they argued all the time too,’ she says, and I feel immeasurably guilty.

  ‘Oh darling,’ I say. ‘Dad and I are grumpy with each other because of Sam. Everything will be fine, I promise.’

  ‘I miss Sam,’ says Megan sadly.

  ‘Me too,’ I say. I kiss her on the head. ‘Why don’t you go and see him today? I’m sure he’d like that.’

  I leave feeling incredibly guilty that what Daniel and I are doing to each other is having such an effect on Megan. I hope I’m right and that everything really will work out for the best. But despite my worries, I am also getting that familiar pit in my stomach, part anxiety, part anticipation that I am seeing Jack again. What am I doing to all of us? Why can’t I focus on what’s important?

  I try to stop fretting about it on the train, and start going through my ideas for the new book. I feel that familiar sense of excitement I always get when starting a new project, and to my surprise my meeting is actually quite a hoot. Having a brainstorm seems to help exorcise Vanessa’s maddest ideas, and a couple of times Jack is really supportive in knocking them on the head for me. In the end, we decide the Littlest Angel saves the baby Jesus from Herod, and leads him, Mary and Joseph into Egypt. Having been unsure about a sequel, I think it could actually work.

  Our meeting finishes around 12.30, and Vanessa whisks me round the building to meet people. After all my travails getting my angel off the ground, it’s great to see the buzz growing around her.

  So it’s in a celebratory mood that Vanessa, Jack, the sales director and I pile out of the Smart Books offices, which are positioned quite close to the river, and head towards a posh restaurant by the Thames. I’m flattered; in our previous lunchtime meetings, Vanessa has provided sandwiches. I’ve clearly gone up in the world as this restaurant oozes money, with its smart maître d’ and sleek linen table cloths. It’s making me wish I’d dressed up a bit more. It’s gone 1.30 when we get there, and Vanessa, who has clearly written off the rest of the day, actually orders some Prosecco. In the past she’s always been on water. It’s quite a revelation to see Vanessa let her hair down.

  We have a great time, the food is exceptional, and the wine is flowing. Jack is flirting lightly with Vanessa, which would make me jealous, but from time to time he plays footsie with me under the table, and I get the idea that he’s just putting on a show. It’s making me uncomfortable, but at the same time a bit excited too. I hate myself for it, but with the wine and the general bonhomie, I tamp down my conscience. Nothing’s going to happen here, we’re just having fun. The lunch goes on and on, it’s 3.30 by the time we emerge blinking into the sunlight.

  ‘I’m off home,’ says Jack. ‘I’ve got an appointment. See you tomorrow, Vanessa.’

  Oh. This means we are going to have to walk to the station together. I wonder if I should demur and go another way, but somehow I can’t quite bring myself to do so. So I walk to the Tube with Jack. At first we say nothing, but I am acutely aware of his presence by my side. Maybe it’s the Prosecco I’ve had, but this feels heady, dangerous, exciting.

  ‘So,’ he says as we get to the Tube. ‘About what I said last time I saw you.’

  ‘Jack,’ I say warningly, but part of me doesn’t want him to stop.

  ‘I know you feel it too, Lizzie,’ he says. He leans towards me, and I try to lean away, but somehow I can’t. I don’t shy away when he kisses me on the mouth.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Lou

  I’m feeling surprisingly calm about Jo. I do miss her, but it feels like a relief to be honest. The more I think about it, the more I realise that our relationship had always been on her terms, but I was too blind to see it. I think that’s been the case with nearly every relationship I’ve ever had. I make a vow that I am never going to let it happen again.

  ‘Good riddance to bad rubbish,’ says Mum when I tell her. ‘She was taking advantage of you. You ought to get back in contact with that nice Maria girl we met on holiday if you’re not already.’

  I look at her with renewed respect. She’d picked up I was flirting with Maria in Tenerife? Well I never.

  ‘Er actually, I am,’ I say.

  ‘I don’t live in the Dark Ages, you know,’ she says and smiles. ‘Maybe you should go and see her.’

  I smile too. And the more I think about it, the more attractive the idea seems. My contract is coming to its end, I have some money saved, maybe I should go over there again. I feel I could have pushed things further with Maria at the time, but I was still in such a mess about Jo I hadn’t wanted to. Just the other day on Skype she suggested I come over there for a holiday. Maybe I should. I decide to Skype her now, and we find ourselves chatting for ages.

  ‘If your job is finishing, you could work here,’ Maria says. ‘There’s an opportunity going in our office. The hours are long, but the pay is good.’

  I must admit I’m tempted. I’ve never exactly been sold on credit control. It’s just something I fell into. It might be nice to try something different. I am wary though; I don’t want to commit to anything straight away. I barely know Maria, after all.

  ‘I’ll come over for a couple of weeks,’ I promise. ‘Then we’ll take it from there.’

  So over the next few days I start looking at flights to Tenerife. I’m sitting at work and have just about plumped for one when my phone rings. It’s Mum, and she’s hysterical.

  ‘Calm down,’ I say as she sobs incoherently down the phone at me. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘It’s your dad, he’s in hospital. They think he’s had a heart attack.’

  My stomach plummets to the floor and I feel cold all over. ‘I’m coming right away,’ I say.

  ‘That’s not the worst of it,’ says Mum. ‘He was with her.’

 

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