Its a wonderful life, p.26
It's a Wonderful Life, page 26
I am mooching around the shops, utterly uninspired about presents, listening to the Christmas tunes belting out and wishing I were feeling more festive, when I catch sight of Daniel. My heart stops for a moment. He is standing staring into a window display and he looks so lost and lonely that I want to go and hug him, but I daren’t. I’m so nervous. What if he ignores me? I don’t think I could bear it. To my huge relief, he doesn’t. He gives me a faint smile, so I seize the moment and ask if he wants a Starbucks Caramel Brûlée. It’s always our thing when we come Christmas shopping.
‘OK,’ he says, and we go to queue up inside.
‘How’s everything?’ I try to remain polite, neutral.
‘Fine. I’m getting on better with Reggie, you’ll be pleased to know.’
I am. At least one good thing has come out of this mess.
We sit down in a corner of Starbucks, and neither of us say a word. Daniel is avoiding my eye. He sips his drink fast, and looks like he’s dying to go. How has it come to this? We’ve been together for so long, and we were so happy. I think back to when the children were born, and Daniel brought me flowers in the hospital. He was so thrilled to be a dad. We made a great team; has that really all gone because of one stupid kiss?
‘Daniel, I’m so sorry,’ I say. I lean over to reach for his hand, but he withdraws it, and I feel a little lurch of hurt.
‘I’m sorry too. But I’m not sure it’s enough.’
‘Daniel, please.’ I want him to say it’s all right, I want him to say we can get through this, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything. Oh God. I’ve made such a terrible mistake and I’ve driven him away.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say again. I don’t know what else to say. Tears are filling my eyes, threatening to splash into my drink. ‘If I could take it back I would.’
‘I know,’ he says, but his eyes are sad, and my heart drops to the floor. I’ve been kidding myself. I thought we could get over this, but it’s clear that I’ve hurt Daniel too badly. He obviously doesn’t want me back any more. I have to face it. I have to let him go.
Daniel
Daniel saw Beth before she saw him. He’d been thinking long and hard since their last meeting. Christmas alone with Reggie didn’t seem very appealing; he wondered whether he should at least go home for Christmas Day. A year ago he couldn’t have imagined being in this situation, but here they were.
He walked over to Beth, not sure if she’d reject him. He’d hardly been welcoming the last time he saw her. He was relieved that she didn’t brush him off and eagerly accepted her offer of coffee.
The Christmas musak played incessantly, causing a dull throb in Daniel’s head. Normally he loved the magic of Christmas. As a small child many of his Christmases had been sad and lonely, despite his Mum’s efforts. But once he had been part of Beth’s clan, it had all changed. He was welcomed into her family and loved the ritual of the season, the time spent together, the sharing of presents. Once the children came along it only got better. He had loved the years of pretending to be Santa, putting out mince pies and carrots for Rudolph, filling up their stockings in secret. He hadn’t even minded being woken early; it had all been worth it to see the joy on the kids’ faces. He couldn’t bear the thought of not being with his family on Christmas Day.
Beth seemed nervous, as if there was something on her mind. Daniel tried to pluck up the courage to say he was sorry, but found he couldn’t, so he sat in silence, brooding. Beth kept apologising to him, tears in her eyes, and he knew he should say something, but he didn’t know how. Daniel wanted so badly to tell her that he forgave her, but somehow the words stuck in his throat. He could hardly bear to look at the disappointment in her eyes, so he focussed on his drink instead. Why couldn’t he open his heart to her? What was wrong with him?
Belatedly Daniel tuned in to hear Beth asking a question.
‘So will you come?’ she asked. ‘You and Reggie? For Christmas Day? It would mean such a lot to the children.’
He wished she’d said it would mean something to her as well. Had he pushed her away? What if he’d sent Beth straight back to Jack? He wanted to ask her how she felt, but couldn’t find the words.
‘You don’t have to stay, and I understand that after Christmas we need to sort things out properly, but can we at least be civilised about it?’
What?
‘Beth, what are you saying?’ Daniel stuttered. He was stunned. Of all things, he hadn’t expected this.
‘I’m giving you an opt-out,’ she said. ‘After Christmas I imagine you’ll want to move out permanently. But please, let’s keep it civil for the kids. It’s the least we can do.’
What? Daniel hadn’t expected that at all. He felt sick. Surely this couldn’t really be happening? Thanks to his own stubbornness, had he lost his wife?
Chapter Thirty-Five
Beth
‘You said what to Daniel?’ Mum is appalled when I tell her my decision. ‘What on earth were you thinking of saying that?’
‘I was thinking about you and Dad,’ I say. ‘You couldn’t make it work after all the time you spent together, so what chance do Daniel and I have?’
‘A much better one than your father and I had,’ says Mum firmly. ‘You and Daniel have something we never did: a loving, respectful, equal relationship. Your dad and I, well, we just rubbed along together because that’s what we were used to. Now I’ve found James, I can see how wrong we were together. But you and Daniel – you already have that. Don’t throw it away.’
‘What if he doesn’t love me any more?’ I say.
‘And what makes you think that?’ says Mum. ‘That boy worships the ground you walk on. I saw it in his eyes the first time you brought him home. He adores you and that hasn’t stopped just because you hurt him. I was prepared to forgive your dad for much worse. Daniel will come round in time, you’ll see. But you need to be careful not to push him away.’
I think about what Mum says when I get back home. It’s a frosty, bleak day in early December. The days feels so grey and cold, the house is freezing, and it seems so empty. Normally we’d have all the decorations up by now, the lights would be sparkling in the conservatory, making me feel festive. Daniel and the others would have been off to get the tree, and they’d have decorated it while I cooked the Sunday roast. I haven’t had the heart to do it on my own. Which I know is ridiculous, and not at all fair on Megan.
When she gets in from school, I drag her off to the local garden centre to get a tree. I might not be feeling festive, but I should make the effort for her sake. She’s thrilled and texts Sam to come over so they can put the decorations up together; half of them are things they made at nursery and infant school but so much a part of our family tradition now that I can’t bear to let them go. It’s lovely to have them both here, and we put some Christmas carols on while we decorate. Megan and Sam have always been such good friends. I’m glad what’s been happening hasn’t altered that.
I sit down to start planning the Christmas lunch. I haven’t even ordered a turkey yet. I swear Mum always puts an order in to her butchers in September. I hope I haven’t left it too late. If they haven’t got any left in our local butchers, I’ll have to risk Mum’s disapproval and get one from Sainsbury’s. I’ve definitely left it too late to make a pudding. Oh well, I can pick one up in Waitrose if necessary. Mum normally has hers all done in October, but I suspect she’s had other fish to fry this year. She and James seem to be getting closer and closer, and she seems quite happy to leave Christmas up to me. I would have been delighted in the past; now I just wonder how I’m going to get through the day.
When I’ve finished sorting out my Christmas lists, I pick up the latest spread I’ve been working on, to see if it’s exactly as I want it. Misery seems to be firing my imagination, and unlike the previous book this one is almost drawing itself. The pages I’m looking at come at the end of the book, when my angel leads Jesus, Mary and Joseph to safety. It’s such a lovely, cosy, safe scene. It makes me long for the security I had such a short time ago. I look at my angel and she looks back at me compassionately. ‘Oh angel,’ I whisper, ‘I wish you could lead me safely home.’
Lou
I’m having a blast back here in Tenerife. Maria and I get on so well. We might not have known each other very long, but I quickly realise that she’s the total opposite of Jo – in a good way. She’s kind and caring, and living together is great; we share domestic tasks equally. She’s from a large family, who all welcome me with open arms. And unlike Jo, she’s interested in my family, and asks frequently about what is happening at home. Finally I feel like I’ve found my soulmate. Took me long enough.
It’s great being in the warm, knowing that life in England is so grey and miserable. Although it’s going to be strange to be away for Christmas, I am enjoying the adventure.
Maria introduced me to her family over a long Sunday lunch. We’re going to spend Christmas Day with them – though weirdly in Spain they celebrate on the sixth of January, and Maria tells me we’ll be working on the twenty-fifth of December. She’s sorting out the paperwork for me to join her firm. I can’t wait.
Beth Skypes me frequently. She and Daniel still seem to be at odds, and she’s made what I think is a calamitous decision to let him have a divorce if he wants one. I think she’s pushing him away, and punishing herself for what happened.
‘You should fight harder for him,’ I tell her. ‘You have so much going for you.’
‘I don’t think he sees it like that,’ she says sadly. ‘He didn’t say anything when I suggested it. I think I’ve hurt him too much.’
‘But, Beth! You can’t give up that easily, you just can’t.’ I so want her and Daniel to be happy again.
‘I think I have to face facts, Lou,’ she says. ‘Daniel just can’t get over this, we’re not going to be able to make it work.’
I know she’s wrong, but she won’t be budged, and I am in despair when I tell Maria about it.
‘I can’t bear to see her so unhappy,’ I say, ‘and I bet Daniel is too.’
‘You should help them,’ she says.
‘But what can I do?’
‘You talk to your brother-in-law, no?’
‘Yes, I do,’ I say, ‘I’m not sure he’ll listen to me though.’
‘It’s worth a try, don’t you think?’
I agree with her – it is.
I decide to take matters into my own hands. I am very fond of my brother-in-law, but Daniel can be both stubborn and stupid.
Sorry to hear the love nest (my joke from when they were first married) is still in disarray. Any chance of a Christmas reconciliation?
Daniel’s response is surprisingly swift.
I’m not sure she wants me back. I’ve been such a dickhead to her, and she’s made it pretty clear she wants to move on after Christmas.
I smile wryly. They are both being such idiots. I could bang their heads together.
Daniel, you muppet, she thinks you want to move on.
She does?
Daniel, darling. Go and get your wife back. She’s miserable without you.
He sends me a smiley face in return.
I’m not usually one to play Cupid, but I can’t help hoping I’ve succeeded this time.
Daniel
After the texts Lou sent him, Daniel began to have a small flickering of hope. Christmas was almost upon them, but Daniel had been too miserable to take much notice. Now though, he tried to be more positive. Maybe all was not lost after all. There was a definite happy vibe in school, with everyone winding down for the Christmas break. Even Jim Ferguson was being friendly, which was surprising. Daniel did his best to join in with the overall festive spirit. The school was full of excited students, and there was the usual round of end-of-term concerts, fairs and services, which somehow Daniel got through. It at least meant he was too busy to dwell too much on his unhappiness, or work out what he should do to get Beth back, but with the prospect of school finishing, Daniel knew he was going to have to face up to the reality of his personal life pretty soon. There wasn’t much time left to bury his head in the sand.
On the day term broke up, Megan gave him another boost.
‘You do know Mum’s doing a signing in Waterstone’s on Saturday, don’t you?’
Daniel smiled at her lack of subtlety. He had seen the posters all round town last time he’d been in Wottonleigh, but had deliberately blanked them.
‘I’d forgotten,’ he admitted.
‘You should go,’ urged Megan, giving him that sweet smile that reminded him so much of her mother.
‘What if she doesn’t want me there?’
‘You won’t know unless you turn up,’ said Megan with a grin.
Which was true, but Daniel wasn’t sure he’d be able to stand it if Beth rejected him.
He was still fretting about whether or not to go on the Friday night. Reggie and Sam were performing at their local, so he went down to join them. The pub was teeming with cheerful revellers, and a roaring fire by the tree gave the place a cosy Christmas feel. Reggie’s band completed the effect by churning out renditions of all the Christmas songs in their catalogue. It was a fun night, and Daniel actually enjoyed himself. He could see more and more the good Reggie had done Sam; he’d brought him out of his shell, and didn’t let him get away with any nonsense. By the end of the evening, Sam had been worked to the bone. If he had any illusions before how hard a career in music was going to be, Reggie had clearly shattered them.
Daniel could see clearly now how much his anger had poisoned his feelings about Reggie. Since he’d left Beth, he could see the bigger picture. Much as he adored his mum, she had hurt Reggie badly. He had had to adjust his view on her, but he realised now that he hadn’t actually listened to what she’d said about Reggie, assuming that her anger matched his. Now he could see there was guilt mixed up in her emotions towards her husband. He remembered how insistent she had always been that he shouldn’t cut his dad out completely. It was the only reason he had stayed vaguely in touch over the years. He wished he’d known the truth earlier. So much wasted time. He knew a lot of the fault was Reggie’s, but some of it was Mum’s too. Thank God, he’d had this second chance with Reggie. Thank God Sam had pushed him into it. His son had forced him to go to a place he had been running from his whole life, and thanks to Sam, he was on the way to having his dad back. And in doing so, he’d got his son back too.
‘Well done, mate,’ Daniel said, when Sam had finished and was coming for a well-deserved pint.
‘Thanks,’ said Sam, looking pleased. ‘Dad, erm, I’ve been doing some thinking. Grandad thinks I should go back to college and retake my A Levels.’
‘What do you think?’ said Daniel cautiously.
‘I don’t want to work in a pub for the rest of my life, and if I want to be a musician I think I need to know more about it. So I’d like to do a musical arts course at uni.’
‘That’s great!’ said Daniel. ‘I’m really pleased. Have you told Mum?’
‘Yeah, she’s happy about it too.’
Sam looked a bit abashed. ‘I think I maybe didn’t listen to you both enough at the time.’
Daniel laughed. ‘No one ever listens to their parents enough. And to be fair, maybe I didn’t go about saying things in the right way. I’m really sorry.’
Sam grinned. ‘I think I may have been a bit of a knob at times,’ he said.
‘You may have been,’ agreed Daniel. ‘But that’s all in the past. I’m just pleased you have a plan. Come here, you idiot.’
He pulled his son into his arms, and they hugged tightly. All the hurt and pain that had been between them slipped away. At least one thing had come right in his life – his son had come back to him.
‘So does that mean you’re coming home?’ Daniel asked, feeling a bit nervous. ‘I don’t think living with Reggie will be exactly conducive to study.’
‘Yeah, I might,’ he said. Then he looked at Daniel slyly. ‘What about you? When are you coming home?’
Daniel sighed. ‘That depends on your mum.’
Reggie came over; he’d overheard the last part of their conversation.
‘I’m not about to interfere in your life, son,’ he said. ‘I know that I don’t have the right. All I’d say is, don’t make the mistakes I made. I have regretted the way I treated your mum for my whole life, and I have suffered for it. I’d hate to see you throw your marriage away. Beth’s lovely. I think she deserves another chance.’
‘I’ll think about it,’ said Daniel, sipping his pint.
Maybe they were both right. Maybe it was time to go home.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Lou
‘So, Louisa,’ Maria wakes me up as the sun streams through the windows. ‘It’s time to come and watch me in the day job. No more holiday for you. We have a lot of Christmas guests flying in.’
I’ve been back here for a week, and am still absolutely loving it. I’ve left a lot of stuff at home, but I’ve arranged for some crates to come over from England. It feels crazy, and daring, and so right to be leaving my old life behind. I can’t wait to get started on my new one. It’s weird having Christmas in the sunshine, but I like it.
I give Maria a mock groan, but I’m pleased really. I like the idea of us working together.
We go to her office, and she gives me a list of guests and which villas and apartments we need to inspect before they arrive. Maria is meticulous as we check over the properties, calling the cleaners back if she doesn’t think they’ve done a good enough job, making a note of what needs repairing. We have a fun morning, and I particularly enjoy handing over keys to the couples and families who’ve just arrived, loaded with Christmas presents, for some longed-for winter sun. It’s actually a lovely thing to see people arriving for their holidays.
