Personal the complete.., p.49
Personal - The Complete Series, page 49
Well, fuck.
Colin bit his lip. “I was going to tell you.”
Ed’s eyebrows arched and Colin’s stomach rolled over. “It’s okay, you don’t ’ave to tell me.” His tone was cool.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck….
“No, really,” Colin began, “let me—”
“I think I’m gonna go back to my place tonight, if thass’ all right.” Ed didn’t look him in the eye.
Colin’s heart was beating so fast, he thought it would explode. “Please, Ed, stay. It’s—”
“I said it was okay, right?” There was an edge to his voice. Ed began to walk toward the door.
“They’re from my ex,” Colin blurted out.
Ed stopped. “Okay, they’re from your ex,” he said, smiling. A faker smiler Colin had never seen. “But I’m still goin’ ’ome.” He paused at the front door. “I’ll call you, yeah?”
Oh, why don’t I believe that?
“Look, you’re not going and leaving things like this,” Colin protested. “Can’t you at least sit down and listen to me for a minute?”
Ed stood stock-still. “What is there to listen to?” he demanded. “You said they’re from your ex? Fine. End of conversation.” His eyes glinted. “Now can I go ’ome?”
“Okay, sure,” Colin said at last. He watched Ed go out the door, shoulders hunched.
That’s it? For God’s sake, go after him, a voice screamed inside his head.
He hurried to the front door in time to see Ed about to step into the elevator. He called out Ed’s name.
Ed turned. “Col, just go back inside. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“And if I want to talk now? What about that?”
Ed stared at him. “But I don’t, all right? It can wait ’til tomorrow.”
And with that he was gone.
Colin stood staring at the closed elevator door, listening as it hummed during its descent, taking Ed farther and farther away from him. He could just about hear the sound of the doors opening on the ground floor.
His chest aching, limbs heavy, Colin went back into the apartment and closed the door, shutting out the world.
Right now, Colin wanted nothing to do with the world outside his apartment.
This is payback, he thought incoherently. That’s what it is—payback for not trusting Ed in the first place.
And payback hurt like hell.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Ed hated having a hangover. Especially the one he got from whiskey.
Well, it’s your own stupid fault. You shouldn’t’ve drunk so much of it, should ya?
He’d started on the whiskey on Saturday night. When Sunday had rolled around, he hadn’t felt like stopping. And why? All because of Matt, whoever he was.
Well, whoever he is, I can’t compete. I don’t even know how to compete.
All the doubt and insecurity that had surfaced at the club was back with a vengeance. It didn’t matter that Ed felt connected to Colin, that something good had been developing between them. All of that faded into the background. It had only taken a few words on a little card and a vase full of beautiful red roses to make him doubt everything.
So Matt loves Colin. Fine. At least he knew. No more wondering what Ed meant to Colin, because apparently, he meant nothing.
You don’t know that for certain, he argued with himself. But then those four little words on that card were suddenly there in his mind, burning into his brain.
I love you, always.
See? he told himself. Why should Colin bother with a guy like me, when there’s a bloke sendin’ ’im bleedin’ bouquets and tellin’ ’im he loves ’im?
In Ed’s tortured, sleep-deprived brain, it made perfect sense. Colin didn’t need him. Colin had Matt.
Is he fucking Matt, too? It was a question that had still bothered Ed in the early hours of Sunday morning, when he yearned for the soft oblivion of sleep, but was denied. He didn’t know why it should bother him, but it did.
When Monday morning came, Ed had awoken to face it with an aching head and a heavy heart. And if it hadn’t been for the fact that Blake was due back at work on Tuesday, Ed would have stayed in bed. So he got up, took two aspirin and made it into work with five minutes to spare.
Rick was in the office kitchen, having already set up the coffee machines, bless him. Ed poured himself the largest mug he could find and tried to reach the safe haven of his office to get his head in gear before the team meeting. No such luck—Rick had no intentions of letting him escape.
“You look awful.” Rick spoke in a low voice, for which Ed was profoundly grateful. Noise was the last thing he needed. Rick poured himself a mug.
Ed sighed. “Blame it on Johnnie Walker.” He took a sip of coffee and closed his eyes at that first jolt of caffeine. Nectar.
Rick frowned. “Want to come to my office for a minute?”
Ed gave him a baleful stare. “Not really, but you’re not gonna accept that as an excuse, are ya?” Rick shook his head. Ed was touched by the look of concern in his eyes. He huffed. “Go on, then.” He followed Rick down the corridor and into his cozy little office.
Rick shut the door after them and then leaned against his desk. “Okay, what gives?”
For a second or two, Ed debated fobbing him off. Then he realized that he needed to talk to someone. He sat down, took another long drink of coffee and then poured his heart out. Just telling it hurt. Through it all Rick watched him in silence sipping his coffee. When he’d finished, Ed sat back, momentarily wiped out.
Rick regarded him, his expression neutral. Then he rolled his eyes. “God, Ed, you are so dense.”
Ed’s mouth dropped open. “What?”
Rick lifted his eyebrows. “You didn’t give Colin the chance to explain or anything, did you?”
Ed thought about that. With a guilty start he realized Rick was correct.
Rick was nodding. “If you really want this, then for God’s sake, fight for him.” He tilted his head. “Did Colin actually say he didn’t want you there?”
Ed’s face fell. “No, he asked me to stay.” He could still see the look on Colin’s face.
Rick’s face lit up with a triumphant expression. “And there you have it. You want to know what I think?”
Ed regarded him wearily. “I’m sure you’re gonna tell me whether I want to or not, so just get it over with, yeah?”
Rick folded his arms across his chest. “I think this is all in your head.” His brow furrowed. “What did you mean, you couldn’t compete?”
Ed gestured to his body. “C’mon, Rick, look at me. I ’ave no idea what this Matt looks like, but I’ll bet ya anythin’ you like that it’s nothin’ like me.” He gazed into his coffee mug. He’d thought long and hard about this. “I’m obviously not gay enough for Colin.”
What sounded like Rick trying not to choke had Ed looking up in a hurry. Rick stared at him, eyes wide.
“Well, now I’ve heard everything.” Rick looked like he was trying not to laugh. “Not gay enough? There’s no scale of gay, all right?” He shook his head. “I thought you said Colin liked the way you look.”
“Yeah, well,” Ed began, suddenly feeling less sure of himself. “That’s what he said, but—”
“What would you do if Colin had been a woman and you thought maybe someone else was in the picture?” Rick demanded.
No hesitation. “I’d go after her.”
There was a gleam in Rick’s eyes. “So why is this any different?” His jaw set. “You need to get your phone out right this minute and call Colin. Take the morning off if you have to, but sort this out. I can hold the fort here.”
God, it was tempting. Could it be that simple?
Rick’s gaze met his. “Ed, it’s clear to me just from listening to you that however this started between you and Colin, it’s progressed beyond two guys meeting up for sex. How much further it goes from this point on is up to you.” Then a gentle smile spread across his face. “But you want to be with this guy, don’t you?”
God help him, he did.
Ed reached into his pocket for his phone, just as it vibrated under his fingertips. He took it out and stared at the screen. Colin.
Rick let out a soft chuckle. “I’ll leave you to it. Stay here. I’ll come back in a little while.” He exited the office, leaving Ed gazing at the phone, his mind racing. The ringing persisted.
He’s not giving up, is he?
With a sigh, Ed connected the call. “Hi.”
He heard Colin expel his breath at the other end. “Good morning.” He fell silent.
Ed waited anxiously for him to speak. As the silence continued, he realized it was down to him to make the first move. “D’you think you could meet me for a coffee this mornin’? Someplace between our buildings?”
Colin’s reaction was immediate. “There’s a coffee shop opposite King’s Cross Station. Do you know it? I’ll meet you there in half an hour.”
Relief flooded through Ed. “Okay. See you then.” They hung up.
Ed held his phone against his chest, breathing deeply.
Okay, now to let Rick have his office back—and let him know Ed was taking him up on his offer. Rick could run the team meeting. Ed had somewhere important to be.
Colin checked his watch for what had to be the fifth time.
He’ll be here. Patience.
Colin still couldn’t believe Ed had agreed so readily. Since Ed had walked out of his apartment on Saturday night, Colin had all but convinced himself that he’d screwed it up for good. And when Ed hadn’t called like he’d said the following day, that seemed like a confirmation. A day later and Colin felt like crap. He’d hardly slept and it showed.
The coffee shop door opened and Ed entered, biker jacket slung over his shoulder. He spotted Colin straight away and walked over to his table.
Christ, he looks as bad as I feel. Colin’s next thought was more pleasant. But at least he’s here.
“I waited until you got here to order. Americano?” Colin knew Ed’s taste in coffee by now.
Ed nodded. “Yeah, and make it a large one, eh?” He rubbed his hand across a stubbled cheek.
Colin smiled. “Yeah, having one of those mornings myself.” He left Ed to sit and went over to get the coffees. When he returned to the table, Ed was leaning back against the cushions of the comfy sofa. He looked shattered. Colin placed the large cups on the table and then sat beside him.
“You all right taking time out of work like this?” Colin knew Ed was in charge until Blake returned from paternity leave.
“Yeah. Rick’s dealin’ with it for me.” Ed took a long sip of coffee and smiled. “God, that tastes good.”
Colin drank some of his black coffee, loving the bitter aroma. For a moment neither of them spoke.
There was an empty feeling in the pit of his stomach as he waited for Ed to say something, anything, that would give him a clue to what was going on in Ed’s head. ’Cause this waiting was driving him—
“I’m sorry I left, okay?”
Colin jerked his head up to look into Ed’s eyes.
“Yeah, I know, I was an idiot,” Ed went on to say. “That’s already been pointed out to me once today.”
“I wouldn’t say you were an idiot,” Colin said quietly. “It was as much my fault as yours. I should have told you about meeting with Matt.” He sighed. “Matt wants me back.” He knew it was best to be honest. ’Cause look where hiding shit got me?
Ed swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Oh.”
“Look, he can want all he likes,” Colin hastened to add. “It’s not going to happen, though. I don’t want him back.”
Ed’s eyes widened. “You sure? I thought maybe…” His words trailed off.
“What? What did you think?” Colin wanted to know. He couldn’t take his eyes off Ed.
Ed pushed out a long sigh. “I thought maybe you’d found someone who was more… you know…” His chin dipped briefly and Colin was just about able to catch the next word. “Gay.”
Colin stared. What the…?
Ed looked up and smiled. “It’s okay. Rick already clued me in. Now you know why he called me an idiot.”
Colin liked Rick more and more.
He leaned forward. “I repeat: you’re not an idiot. And for the record? I like you just as you are.”
Ed’s cheeks flushed pink.
Colin placed his hand on the table next to Ed’s. He stroked the side of Ed’s hand with his little finger. Moment of truth.
“I don’t want Matt back. Been there, done that, and it didn’t work out. But I do want to see where this goes with you.” His eyes met Ed’s. “I want that very much.”
Ed gazed back at him, mouth slightly open, brow creased. He blinked rapidly, giving Colin every indication of being unsure how to react to Colin’s words.
Colin let escape a patient sigh. “Ed, I’ve loved what we’ve shared so far. The sex is…fantastic, and I really enjoy your company. But I need to be honest with you. I want more.”
Those clear green eyes widened.
Colin leaned back. “Look. Don’t say anything now, okay? Maybe you need to think about this.” He got to his feet. “So I’m going to go back to work and let you do just that. And when you’re ready to tell me how you feel, then call me, all right?”
Ed finally found his voice. “All right,” he acknowledged.
Colin smiled. “Thank you.” He badly wanted to kiss the man, badly enough that he ached to hold him, but this wasn’t the place. “I’ll see you soon, I hope.” He picked up his suit jacket from over the back of a chair and gave Ed one last nod, before exiting the coffee shop.
Once outside, Colin sucked in a deep breath.
I really hope I’ve done the right thing.
And he just knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until Ed got back to him. He sent out a silent plea to the man he’d left sitting in the coffee shop.
Please, Ed, don’t rush this. Think about it.
Ed got out his keys to open the glass door to Trinity’s suite of offices, and then stopped when he realized they were already open.
Of course. Blake’s back.
Ordinarily, he would have been pleased as Punch to see his boss, but after spending yet another night without a decent amount of sleep, Ed wasn’t thinking clearly. For one thing, it had completely slipped his mind that Blake was going to be there.
An’ ’ow could I forget that?
Blake, who knew Ed better than anyone—and who seemed to possess the ability to read Ed’s mind. Logically, he knew this wasn’t possible, but God, the man had an uncanny knack of seeing right through him.
An’ right now? That’s the last thing I want.
Blake, who was walking toward him at that very moment. His boss looked like he could use a whole week of sleep, but he still wore a grin.
“Nice to see you’re still an early bird.”
Ed snorted. “You’ve only been gone, what, five weeks, Boss? Did ya think I’d let the place go to rack an’ ruin while you were away?” An’ let’s ’ope no one mentions yesterday’s little lapse….
Blake merely arched his eyebrows. Then he grinned. “Coffee?”
Ed matched his grin. “God, it’s good to ’ave you back, boss.” Then he remembered. “An’ you’re not gonna believe who turned up ’ere wanting a job.” He couldn’t wait to see Blake’s face.
Blake turned to go to the kitchen and beckoned Ed to follow. “Well, that can wait ’til I’ve had a coffee. I didn’t have one this morning.”
The aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled the small kitchen, and Ed sniffed the air appreciatively. Blake’s words suddenly registered.
“Is that ’usband of yours not lookin’ after ya?” Ed asked with a chuckle.
Blake laughed. “I didn’t have a coffee because I overslept. Sophie’s not sleeping through the night yet, and we’re taking it in turns to feed her. I was so tired last night, Will said he’d do the feedings. And by the time I woke up, Will hadn’t made coffee because he’d fallen asleep on the spare bed in Sophie’s room. When I went in, she was lying there next to him, laughing and gurgling.”
Ed loved the expression on Blake’s face. It was plain Blake was besotted with his little girl. “’ow is she?” Sophie had been born three weeks’ premature.
Blake’s face glowed. “She’s fine. She’s a really healthy weight, and usually she sleeps well between feeds. Just not last night.”
Ed smiled. “You were prob’ly feeling bad ’bout leavin’ ’er an’ Will to come back to work and she picked up on it. Babies are sensitive like that.” Blake’s eyebrows shot skyward and Ed’s face heated up. “So I’ve ’eard,” he added hastily.
Blake shook his head, eyes wide. “Well, well, well. This is a side to you I’ve never seen before. Who are you, and what have you done with my brash, speak-before-you-think office manager?” He chuckled.
Ed blinked.
Oh, you ’aven’t ’eard the ’alf of it yet.
Blake leaned against the worktop. “So you were telling me about someone who came for a job?” He took a long drink of coffee and sighed happily.
“Oh, yeah.” Ed waited until Blake has another mouthful of coffee, timing his words just right. “Melissa Richards.”
The coffee ended up all over the Blake’s suit, not to mention the carpet. Ed let out an evil little cackle.
When he’d finished choking, Blake stared at Ed in disbelief. “You are kidding, right?” He grabbed a cloth and began wiping up coffee. He stared down at his no longer clean shirt in disgust.
Ed snickered. “Like I’d make that up.” He filled Blake in on the conversation, Blake listening with wide eyes and slack jaw.
“Well, I hope you sent her away with a flea in her ear,” Blake said when Ed had finished.
Ed nodded.
Shane appeared in the doorway, his face breaking into a wide grin when he caught sight of Blake. “Welcome back, boss.” He blinked when he spotted the coffee stains on Blake’s shirt. “And did we have a slight accident? Miss our mouth? Hmmm?”
Blake smiled. “Morning. And are we any nearer to finding your replacement?” His eyes held a wicked gleam.
