Love and war, p.87
Love and War, page 87
Tomorrow morning, Daddy, Luciana, and I have planned to fly out of Colombia. I’m equal parts sad and happy. On one hand, I’ll be happy to leave the nightmare behind. But by leaving the nightmare, I’ll also be abandoning my memories with Duvan. As much as I would rather stay and raise my baby in this house where we can feed the chickens every day, I know it isn’t safe for my child. Not with people like Esteban and Diego lurking about.
In America, we can be free from all of this.
I push down my yoga pants and kick out of them. It’s late and even though I’m not tired, I know I’ll be exhausted on the trip tomorrow. I need to try and sleep at least. Duvan’s old T-shirt swallows my small frame and my swollen bare breasts hang heavy beneath the fabric. I’ve outgrown all of my bras lately. I’ll definitely have to do some shopping in California. I switch off the overhead light and am just crawling into our bed for the last time when I hear a crash downstairs.
I scramble across the bed to the table where I keep a gun. I’ll never feel one hundred percent safe, especially here, but the gun sure helps. Men are shouting downstairs. More crashing. On shaky legs, I slide off the bed and frantically look for a place to hide. I’m just darting toward the bathroom when I hear footsteps thundering up the stairs. My heart lurches in my throat. I freeze and instantly hate myself for not running. It’s almost as if I’m waiting for…
The door swings open and a madman enters. Blood trickles from his bottom lip. The muscles in his neck are taut with tension. His brown hair is messy and overgrown. It hangs into his eyes, making him appear as though he’s some untamed animal. His cheeks are scruffy and his jaw is sharp. The black Soundgarden T-shirt molds to his sculpted body. I’m frozen in shock, no longer in fear.
“Ren?”
“Your dad’s an asshole,” he utters, his hands fisted. He seems to snap out of his rage and his eyes skim over my clothing while his gaze softens. He wipes the blood away from his bottom lip with the back of his hand before he flashes me a grin I remember from when times were simpler. “Do I get a hug?” When our eyes meet again, a familiar glimmer flickers in his.
I jolt out of my shocked stance, set the gun down on the end table, and run over to him. He doesn’t wait, stalking toward me to meet halfway. The moment he gathers me in his arms, I relax. I relax for the first time in over a month. All of my friends, aside from Luciana, have gone radio silent. All but this friend.
This friend is here.
Hugging me so tight, I think I might break.
Inhaling my hair as if I’m a delicate and rare rose.
Muttering out words of relief.
“Jesus,” he utters, embracing me tighter. “It’s been forever since I’ve hugged you.”
I let out a laugh but it soon turns into tears. The relief is overwhelming, and I lose myself to it. Within seconds, I’m sobbing so hard, I think I might collapse. When my knees buckle, Ren slides his strong arm under my legs and lifts me. I cry against his chest, soaking his shirt as he carries me over to my bed. At first, I stiffen because if he crawls into this bed with me, it’ll be his scent that replaces Duvan’s. The thought terrifies me. But tomorrow it won’t matter, anyway. I’ll be gone. The idea of Ren holding me like old times seems to soothe my battered heart.
His scent is comforting too.
The springs groan in protest when Ren sets me down on the bed. He kicks off his shoes and scoots in beside me. As soon as he drags the covers over us, I clutch his T-shirt and bury my face against him. His fingers stroke through my hair. I cry for my loss. For the unfairness of this life. For the assaults I’ve suffered. The men who have abused me. I cry for my child who will never know its father. I cry for…me.
Ren, just like on our Skype sessions, doesn’t speak. His strength speaks volumes. It steadies me. Roots me into the ground so I don’t blow away in the wind. Like the gnarly branches of his tree tattoo, he holds me against his solid frame, keeping me safe from the awful world I know.
When my tears finally dry up and all that can be heard is Ren’s soft breathing, I look up at him. The lamp light casts dark shadows on his face. It’s so different than I remember. Where is the smile that used to light up his whole face? Where are his blue eyes that would twinkle with delight when he saw me?
Ren is different, just like me.
He’s seen unspeakable horrors. I’ve lived them.
He’s teetered an impossible line with his sister. She stole from me.
He’s lost his love. I’ve lost my love.
Our hearts have been slayed and left for dead.
The innocence we once knew has been obliterated. There’s no collecting those pieces and putting them back together again.
“Did you and Daddy get in a fight?” I murmur in question.
His eyes that had been staring off toward the window find mine. A storm brews in his dark gaze. It makes me shiver. Thinking I’m cold, he pulls me tighter. Absently, he presses a kiss to my forehead and it stills my racing heart. “Your dad thought I was someone else. Three months ago, he’d have probably been able to gut my ass. Unfortunately for him, I’ve been spending a lot more time lifting than he has. We scuffled until he realized it was me, and that I wasn’t coming here to kill you. Now he’s downstairs on the phone with my dad, bitching.”
A chuckle rumbles in my chest. Poor Daddy has done nothing but either kick ass or get his ass kicked since he came for me. He always looks so tired. I know he just wants to get back to California so he can have his life back again.
My smile falls.
Does that life involve me?
How can he have Hannah and I both?
The answer is…he can’t.
I won’t be able to see that woman without wanting to claw her eyeballs out.
“I wasn’t expecting you to show up,” I tell him after a few moments.
His fingers find my overgrown bangs and he tucks them behind my ear. “I could’ve waited a couple more days to see you, but I didn’t want to. I also didn’t think you travelling with a wanted felon was a good idea. The last thing you need is to get dragged to prison because you were in the wrong place at the right time.”
My eyes find his—his gaze boring a hole through me. When did Ren become so intense? I reflect back on all the things I’ve dealt with in the past month. When did I become so intense? We’re both strung so tight, we’re sure to snap at any moment.
“Thank you for coming,” I murmur. “I’ve been so lost and lonely. With Vee and Oscar gone too, I’ve been drifting. If it weren’t for you, I’d have already lost my mind.”
His brows furl together. He grits his teeth together as if he’s holding in a mouthful of words. I want to pry his lips apart and pull them from him.
“What?” I ask.
He swallows. “I’m so fucking sorry, Brie.”
Tears sting my eyes, but I quickly blink them away. “My life is a mess.”
“I’m here now. I’ll help you clean it all up. Your mess is mine.” He leans forward and kisses the corner of my mouth. It stirs old feelings in my belly. “Go to sleep, Juliet. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”
I drift off, losing myself to nostalgic memories of when life was easy and fun. Before the cartel, before my dad came back, before Heath tried to ruin my life. Back when I was just a girl looking out a window, wishing for a boy to climb the tower and save me.
* * *
“Tigress…”
I groan in protest. I’m too sleepy to get up.
“Tigress…”
“Mmmm,” I grumble.
“Tigress…”
My dreams tease me and bleed into reality. I hate that I can have him there and not in real life. Sometimes, when I wake up, his scent lingers. I can almost still hear his whispers against the shell of my ear. I’m oftentimes still wet from remembering the way he would touch me.
And now, in the pitch black of my bedroom, I’m once again taunted by his memory. He seems so real. I dance my fingertips along his bare chest. Solid muscle. Smooth contours and lines. So perfect.
My breasts ache to have him gripping them to the point of pain. I’d do anything to have his teeth on my nipples one last time. Greedy not to lose him in this moment, I regain full clarity and I straddle him. His cock is erect and at full attention.
God he feels so real.
“I missed you so much,” I murmur in the dark, my fingernails raking along his chest.
His body tenses as if I’ve just woken him. Strong hands slide up my bare thighs and grip my hips just under my shirt. I want to glue them to me so he’ll never let me go. Between the thin fabric of his boxers and my barely-there panties, I’m sure he can feel how wet I am as I rub against his throbbing cock. It’s been so long.
“Brie…” His voice is all wrong but it’s real. So fucking real.
“Shhh,” I tell him, needing the fantasy to remain. Reality is a goddamned bitch.
He lets out a low growl and his thumbs dig into my flesh. I rock against him almost painfully. My body needs this release. I grab on to his muscular shoulders so I can stabilize myself. Grinding against him feels so good. So perfect.
Tendrils of pleasure begin lazily making their way through my veins as if they’ve suddenly awoken from a long slumber. Much like the bliss of the heroin I once loved, I quiver with anticipation as it snakes its way through me, leaving a delicious sting in its wake. My pussy throbs with need. It won’t be long before I come.
And like so many nights before, I’ll reawaken with a pillow between my legs. My fantasy nothing more than a sad dream. But it never stops me from giving in to these dreams. I greedily steal them each time.
His hands grip the bottom of my T-shirt and he starts to drag it up my body. Reality is hiding just beyond the door of my mind. Reminding me this isn’t real. That he’s not real. That my fantasy is an imposter.
I turn my back on that door.
Lifting my arms, I let him tug the shirt from me. His palms slide to my swollen breasts and he squeezes them. Admires them. Gets used to the new size of them. He sits up on the bed until our stomachs press together. His hot mouth finds my nipple. So tentative at first but then he suckles on it. Bites it. Draws pleasure from such a small area just with his mouth. My panties are drenched.
This isn’t enough.
I need more.
So much more from him.
Raking my fingers through his hair, I blatantly ignore the fact that his hair is different. I don’t get caught up in reality. This fantasy is mine. I’ll live in it forever.
He grips my ass to the point I know I’ll be bruised. His need to consume me—to tear me apart—has me flying higher and higher toward ecstasy.
“I need you,” I whisper so quietly I don’t think he hears.
But then his hot breath is between my breasts, sending chills down my spine. “I’m not him.”
I’m not him.
A tear streaks down my cheek and I shake my head. “Shhh.”
When I grind into him hard, he lets out a sound of pure bliss. But then his hands are in my hair almost painfully. He jerks my head back so that my breasts jut right into his face. His teeth drag along my flesh before he sinks them into my skin. I cry out in pain—but it’s pain mixed with pleasure, and I need it. “I’m not him, baby.”
I slap my hand over his mouth so he’ll shut up. This seems to spark a reaction from him because he flips us around and presses me into the bed. His strong hands grab my wrists as he jerks them above my head. My legs are still spread apart. He never loses our stride and continues rubbing against me in a way that has me so close to climaxing.
I just need to hold on to the fantasy a moment longer.
Then I can hate myself all I want.
Then I can force myself to face the truth.
Then I can apologize.
“I’m not him,” he growls in a no-nonsense way. He grips my chin almost brutally before crashing his lips to mine. This kiss tastes familiar, but the harsh way he delivers it isn’t familiar. Despite not recognizing it, I crave it.
“I need you inside me,” I plead, hot tears rolling from my eyes. I’m fully aware of my betrayal but I won’t let it win. Not now.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” he hisses.
At one time, he’d have been the gentleman. Made me come to terms with reality. Held me through what I’d almost done.
But this isn’t the boy I remember. I don’t know this man at all. I let out a sigh of relief when he lifts up long enough to pull his cock from his boxers. My panties are hastily pushed to the side. There isn’t any time to change my mind. To focus on the wrongness. To erase this mistake.
With one painful thrust, he’s deep inside me, drawing out a crushing wail. His cock splits me wide open all the way down to my soul. Flashes of a simple past flit through my mind like blinding white zaps. Each one electrocuting me with realization. This isn’t my fantasy at all, and yet I’m soaking it all in. Drawing comfort from the sound of the waves. The warm sunshine. The way he used to kiss me until my mouth was raw on the beach. How we’d dry hump long before he took my virginity.
His fingers are back to biting into my jaw as he kisses me. There’s nothing soft about the way he mauls me. He thrusts into me so hard, I imagine I’ll be bruised. My clit throbs out of control each time his body hits mine.
So close…
Don’t think about it, just do it, I tell myself.
I make the mistake of opening my eyes. Moonlight peeks in through the window, casting a sliver of light across his face. One steely blue eye is illuminated and it bores into me. His one eye flashes with anger and love and need. And it’s too much.
I want to run away from it all.
Pretend this never happened.
“Goddammit, Brie,” he growls. “Look at me.”
His fierce command has my eyes popping back open and my pussy clenching in response. His gaze softens before he kisses me in a gentler way. A way I remember. A way I used to dream about late at night before my world turned upside down.
“Relax, baby,” he murmurs against my lips. “Just let it go.”
I shut off my mind and allow my orgasm to overtake me. My nerve endings take on life as they all seem to explode at once. The shudder that wracks through me is so strong, I actually jerk from beneath him. When my body clamps down around his, he lets out a guttural groan. A gush of his hot seed fills me. Throb after exhilarating throb.
“What have I done?” I whisper mostly to myself.
He releases his grip on my wrists and slides a palm over my heart. “You were letting go of some of the pain.”
I blink in the darkness, stunned by his words. My body is relaxed. My mind is calm. It’s just my heart that is destroyed. I feel like a whore who can’t keep her legs closed.
“My heart still belongs to him,” I blurt out.
He flinches at my words. But then he takes my tattooed wrist and draws it to his lips. The way he kisses it reminds me of how Duvan would. It makes my chest ache painfully. “I know, Brie. Nobody’s asking you to forget about him. But having that orgasm was probably the best thing you could do for yourself right now. You were so fucking tense.”
He slips his softened cock out of me and then climbs off the bed. Soon, the bathroom light blinds me. It sheds light on the horror of what I’ve just done. When he returns, carrying a wet cloth, I can’t bear to look at him.
“Brie.”
I clench my eyes closed, hoping he’ll get a clue.
“Open your eyes, dammit.” His words are harsh and it makes me open them so I can see his expression. He’s never been the angry type. I don’t understand who he is anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
He grabs my panties and tugs them down my thighs. They’re soaked with his cum and need to go. He clutches my knees and pulls me open once he’s removed the last of my clothing. I start to drag my knees back together, but he’s stronger and he wins. The warm cloth travels over my still pulsating clit as he cleanses me between my thighs. He does it in such a gentle, protective way, I think I might burst into tears. My emotions are all over the place. When he’s finished, he stalks back over to the bathroom. I get a better peek at his back tattoo, which seems to have a lot more going on with it since my last perusal. Thankfully, he’s pulled his boxers back into place.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he tells me as soon as the room goes dark again. I should probably make moves to find my shirt or a new pair of panties or a wall to put between us. Instead, I remain frozen.
He slips into the bed and hauls me to him. His sculpted chest presses firmly against my back while his arm wraps possessively around me. Now that I’m fully aware of my situation, it’s more brutal to my psyche admitting that I need him comforting me right now. If I could fall asleep forever like this and never wake up, I would.
His lips kiss my shoulder, and I shiver. I don’t know what to do. I should push him away and yet I don’t. I should ask him to sleep elsewhere and yet I don’t. I should warn him I’ll only fuck up his heart because I’m a mess and yet I don’t.
I let him hold me.
I let him kiss my neck.
I let him snuggle his flaccid cock against my ass.
I’ll allow myself this one night. Then, tomorrow, with reality, I can deal with the consequences of my actions. Right now, though, I refuse to let them win.
For the first time in over a month, I fall asleep with a blank mind.
My heart aches but not as much as usual.
Tonight, for a short while, I am free.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Ren
I’ve slept like shit for months. My mind has been plagued by all the wrongs and I can’t focus on anything right. Everything seemed to be spiraling out of control.
Until now.
Sleeping with Brie tucked in against my chest was calming. The anger that had been simmering below my surface seemed to cool. For once in what seems like forever, I slept easily.
But last night?
Last night was probably a big fucking mistake. As much as I wanted to be inside of her, it was wrong. She was lying to herself and wanted me to play along with her little charade.
