Powerless trilogy 3 fear.., p.19
Powerless Trilogy 3: Fearless, page 19
part #3 of Powerless Trilogy Series
Throwing on the silken robe Ellie set out for me—only after smiling at the bag of chocolates she left beside it—I pad into the bedroom, intent on flopping face-first onto my mattress. Not that I expect to get much sleep. No, it’s a combination of nerves and boredom that has me wishing to do nothing at all but rot with my thoughts.
This may be my last night on solid ground.
I feel queasy.
A gnawing worry grows within the pit of my stomach. I think vaguely of how I might leave this world. Fighting? Regretful? At peace?
No, peace implies that all is well in my life. But there are wrongs to be righted and forgiveness to be earned. I refuse to die until I’m satisfied with the way I lived.
I groan.
In the end, it is the imminence of death that manages to drag me from my bed.
* * *
I knock hesitantly on his door.
My heart pounds wildly in anticipation. I’m not normally the one to do this, and I doubt I’ll ever do it again because of how annoyingly nervous I—
The handle turns.
And when the door opens, I almost expect to be met with a cocky smile, a mess of black hair, or a familiar set of lips that have tasted mine.
But everything before me is unsurety.
This mouth is slackened with surprise, and one I’ve never met. The hair atop his head is blond and neat and the opposite of his brother’s. He is opposite of his brother.
I stand in the doorway, blinking up at the shocked Kitt.
“Hi,” I say, if only to fill the silence.
His response is equally awkward. “Hi.”
“Sorry, did I wake you?”
“Oh, no.” Kitt rubs the back of his neck, an action he frequents. He looks over his shoulder, seeming slightly surprised to find the air unoccupied. “No, I don’t sleep much anymore.”
My gaze dips to his stained hands. “Are you writing something?”
“Just… notes. It helps me think.” He clears his throat. Mumbles something under his breath. For a moment, I think he’s forgotten my presence.
My eyes narrow at his strange behavior. “Are you—?”
“Is there a reason you’re here at this hour?” He’s blinked the bleariness from his distant gaze.
I’m momentarily startled by his sudden composure. “Right, yes.” I lift a bundled blanket between us, one I’d ripped off my bed after quickly dressing. “I thought we could have a… picnic?” I wince. “I’m not sure, really, but I have chocolate?”
We stare at each other, both of us knowing precisely what this is—a peace offering. Kitt glances over his shoulder again, as if weighing whether this is worth a pause in his writing. I’m beginning to believe the king will turn me away when he finally steps aside. “I can’t say no to chocolate.”
With a relieved smile, I creep into the room. The folded blanket hangs limply from my fingers while I try not to look so intrigued by his bedchamber. It’s surprisingly plain for a king, at least compared to the lavish lifestyle I assumed one would have. But it is not void of character. Potted plants litter the room, dotting each corner with color and twining around anything in reach. My eyes skip over the crumpled bed to find books piled on either side. Their broken spines pile to dangerous heights around the room, never far from a strewn map or scribbled document.
“I would have tidied up had I known you were visiting,” Kitt says, sounding only slightly self-conscious. He sweeps aside a cluster of inky parchment as I set the blanket on the ground.
“No need to clean on my behalf.” I unfold the fabric to reveal that bag of sweets Ellie left me. “You’ve seen where I lived.”
“I have.” He sounds regretful.
Taking a seat on the stretched blanket, I fold my legs beneath me and beckon for Kitt to follow. He obeys, sitting stiffly to my right with all the comfortability of an acquaintance, not the man meant to be my husband. And that lack of progress is exactly why I’m here.
I offer him a chocolate before unwrapping my own. “I haven’t had one of these since our game of catch in the kitchens.”
Popping the sweet into his mouth, Kitt mumbles, “I was the only one catching. You were dropping.”
“All right.” I sigh out the words. “No need to gloat.”
He smiles, and that is progress. “So, why did you really want to have this makeshift picnic with me?”
“Do I need a reason to eat chocolate with you?”
“No,” he says slowly, “but you likely have one.”
“So you do know me, after all,” I tease.
“I thought I did.” Another chocolate disappears into his mouth. “Once.”
A frown pulls at my mouth. “I haven’t changed. I’m still that girl you knew during the Purging Trials.”
“No,” he counters. “You’re hardened.”
I stop chewing. Our eyes lock in silent scrutiny. “I have to be. That is the only way Ordinaries can survive in Ilya.”
“Well, soon you won’t be Ordinary.” The king sounds ruffled. “You’ll be royalty.”
My laugh is humorless enough to draw a look of surprise from Kitt’s stoic features. “Maybe. But your father ensured I would never forget who I really was.”
Maybe it’s habit, or anger, or a cruel mixture of both that has my gaze falling to the top button of his crumpled shirt. It seems history refuses to go unrepeated. Once again, I’m avoiding the gaze of a man who nearly killed me. And despite the reminder that these green eyes do not belong to Edric Azer, I still find it difficult to meet them. Even in death, the late king tortures me.
“There you go again,” Kitt murmurs.
I will my stare to meet the speculating one he’s pinned on me. “Hmm?”
“There was a time when you couldn’t look me in the eyes,” he says evenly. “Just as you’re doing now. And in the gardens, you told me it was because I reminded you of someone. It was my father, wasn’t it?”
I lean back, slightly startled by his question. But if I want to restore that relationship between us, I need to be honest. “I thought your father killed mine,” I explain softly. “And, well, in a way, he did. It was Kai he gave the order to. Kai I watched bury a sword in my father’s chest. But I didn’t know that until the king taunted me outside the Bowl.”
Kitt’s voice is numb. “And that is when you killed him.”
“Barely,” I murmur, remembering every blow the king rained down on me. “It was like he had been waiting for that day. Like every blow was planned. It’s all become such a blur now but…” I glance over at his stiff form. “But, yes, I avoided your gaze, your company, because you look so much like him.”
The chocolates sit forgotten on the floor, now little more than witnesses to our hushed conversation. “And when you did seek out my company,” Kitt says dryly, “it was because you needed to find a way into those tunnels.”
“No.” My explanation is a flurry of rushed words. “Well, maybe at first. Yes, I needed a way into those tunnels, but it became so much more than that. I wanted to spend that time with you, be honest about what I was doing. But I wanted to make a difference more. And I knew how close you were with your father….”
“So you assumed I was against the Resistance, against Ordinaries, as well,” he finishes for me. This is followed by an indifferent shrug. “To be honest, I never much cared what happened to the Ordinaries. Banished or not, it didn’t matter. But my father was obsessed with ridding Ilya of them, and it was his undoing. His greatest failure.”
I fiddle with an empty wrapper, rolling it between my fingers. “And now you’re marrying the one thing he hated. Better yet, the one thing that killed him.” My whole body tenses in anticipation of my next question. “And you’re okay with that?”
“I don’t really have a choice,” he mutters. “You know, I didn’t think I would be able to look at you, either. Not after what you did. But I quickly realized that my father wasn’t worth pleasing. His praise wasn’t worth obsessing over.” He mindlessly gathers the chocolates in a tight circle. “Now, I will be the one to make Ilya great. My own way.”
I nod slowly. “I’m glad to hear he doesn’t still control you.”
He lets the words hang between us. My fingers take advantage of the tense moment and lift a chocolate to my lips. I savor it, tasting nostalgia between each nutty bite. This is the chocolate I used to steal for Adena on special occasions. The last of which was her birthday, though we hadn’t known it would be her last at the time.
“I can’t say the same about you.”
I’m pulled from my thoughts and back onto the king’s plush floor. “What do you mean?”
“He clearly has control over you. My father,” Kitt clarifies. “Otherwise, you would have no issue looking me in the eyes.”
I’m doing it again. My gaze snaps up from his throat to crash into the familiar gaze above. It is heavy atop the purple smudges of restlessness.
It’s time he knows.
Kitt opens his mouth again, but I’m already moving, already gathering my courage alongside the folds of my shirt. Determination overrules my sudden desperation to hide this marred piece of myself. But if this man is to be my husband, he will soon see every bit of brokenness that makes up my being.
So I might as well start with the scars on my heart.
I shift in front of him, forcing the tremble from my voice. “He doesn’t control me. He haunts me.”
My hand lifts to tug the collar of my shirt down, down, down….
I know the brand is visible when his face pales.
“Is that…” He swallows. “Is that an O?”
I don’t bother looking down at the jagged letter that defines me. “For Ordinary.”
Kitt is shaking his head now. “I… I don’t…”
“After trailing his blade down my neck,” I say flatly, “he promised to leave his mark on my heart, so I never forget who broke it.”
He raises his hand, as if wishing to run his fingers over the scar before thinking better of it. “This is not the man I knew.”
“The man you knew didn’t exist.”
His eyes trace that mangled circle of flesh. “I’m sorry.”
My voice is hoarse. “I am too.”
“You’re not the girl I knew during those Purging Trials,” he says softly. “Not anymore.”
His words don’t startle me like I thought they would. Because he’s right. I’ve already mourned the girl who died alongside Adena in that Pit. Something broken staggered out of the Bowl Arena that day. And I have only been stronger for it.
“And you are not the boy I knew either.” My throat is dry, but I scrape the words off my tongue. “Now, I want to know this king you’ve become.”
Kitt’s voice is light despite the weight of his words. “I worry for what you will find.”
CHAPTER 26 Paedyn
Wind whips at my hair and stings my cheeks.
It’s biting in a way that’s oddly refreshing after the stuffy coach ride between the uncharacteristically quiet brothers.
I’ve never been so close to the sea. Never dared.
Now I’ll be sailing over it.
We stand at the edge of the only rickety dock left in Ilya. Inky water slaps against the long posts supporting each wood slab we stand on. I breathe in the salty air, scan the ever-stretching horizon. It’s terrifyingly exhilarating, this something that finds such strength in the ever-changing.
But what floats atop the water is nearly as breathtaking.
The ship looms to our left, casting an ominous shadow over us. The dark wood spans several hundred feet long, coming to a slight point at one end. Two large sails are bunched tightly against the tall masts, readying to be reunited with the wind.
My gaze travels over the expanse of wood before falling back to the waves lapping beneath. “Is the water always this choppy?” I ask, looking over at the brothers.
“No,” Kai answers dully.
I let out a sigh of relief. “Well, that’s good.”
“It’s usually worse.”
And just like that, my chest is tightening once again.
Kitt claps his Enforcer on the shoulder. “Ever the optimist, Brother.”
The king seems to be in higher spirits this morning, despite our heavy conversation last night. Or perhaps it’s simply Kai who brightens his mood.
“Yes,” I muse, “very comforting.”
The sound of approaching footsteps has us turning. It’s Calum striding down the uneven dock, clutching a small stack of books beneath his arm. To his right, the court’s spokesman resides with a tight smile. Easel steps forward before curtly relaying information. “Your trunks have been loaded onto the boat and brought to your cabins. The crew is ready to depart when you are.”
My stomach churns at the thought of abandoning solid ground, but I force myself to nod convincingly. Noticing my worry, or rather, reading my anxious thoughts, Calum asks, “May I have a moment with Paedyn?”
The brothers oblige, conversing quietly as they head down the dock. Tucking his hands, and the books within them, behind his back, Calum leads me slowly to the end of the dock. “You’re doing well, you know.”
I kick a rock off the wood plank and hear it hit the water with a soft plunk. “It doesn’t feel like it.”
“Respect is earned,” he says softly. “It takes much time. But once you finish these Trials, things will begin to move very quickly.”
I nod, gaze lingering on the crashing waves below. “I’ll be married.”
“You’ll be a queen,” he adds.
“And I’ll still be Ordinary.”
The words have him turning to look at me, blond hair catching in the light. At the feel of his piercing gaze, I wonder briefly what it is he’s gleaning from my thoughts. “Yes, you always have been and always will be. Even with a crown on your head.”
We stand in silence at the edge of the dock, watching the sun shimmer against the water as it tiptoes slowly into the sky. I glance over at him, committing this peaceful moment to memory. “Thank you,” I breathe into the crisp air. “For everything. But mostly for being here with me. You’re a comfort in the castle.” I laugh sadly. “And in this whole new life I’ve been thrown into.”
His smile is reserved. “I am here to help in any way.” He pulls the books from behind his back, presenting the worn covers to me. “In fact, I brought these for your journey. They may help pass the time.”
Reaching out, I run a hesitant finger over a familiar burgundy spine. “Thank you. But I’d hate to ruin your things if we somehow end up in the sea—”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” he cuts in softly. “Well, ruining my books that is. These belong to you.”
My eyes snap to his. “What?”
“When your father died, and you disappeared,” he starts slowly, “I grabbed some of your favorite stories for safekeeping. And I hoped to give them back to you one day.”
With every word, the books seem to familiarize before my eyes. Each faded cover holds a distant memory, a fleeting image of a man in his reading chair, and a little girl sitting at his feet. “He used to read these to me.”
“He did.” Calum gently hands me the four thin books. “I believe you even wrote a few notes in there as a child.”
“I can’t imagine I had anything important to add,” I say, laughing lightly. Quickly flipping through one of the books, I find a small rose sketched onto the inside cover. The words “For Paedyn” are scrolled beneath it in vaguely familiar, looping handwriting.
He eyes me carefully. “You’d be surprised.” With a small smile, he adds, “I’ll have them brought to your cabin.”
I suppose he can likely hear the gratitude in my thoughts, but that doesn’t seem like quite enough. So I emphasize the unspoken words with an impulsive throwing of my arms around him. This makes him hesitate for a moment, stutter in confusion, and finally return the sentiment.
With his arms circling my shoulders, I whisper one last “Thank you.”
* * *
We stand in the ship’s shadow, all staring at the vessel meant to carry us across the treacherous water.
A crowd has formed on the rocky shore where hundreds of eyes hope to get their last glimpse of the hated Ordinary. Imperials barricade the dock, halting anyone who dares push their way toward us. But no one makes a move, content on letting the Shallows have their way with me.
In their eyes, I’m as good as dead.
The king glances over at his Enforcer. “Changed your mind yet, Kai?”
“Unfortunately not,” he sighs. “But do try not to miss me too much. I’ve stationed extra Imperials with you while I’m gone, so you certainly won’t be feeling lonely.”
“Oh, yes, I look forward to not a single moment of privacy.” The humor in Kitt’s voice dissolves quickly. “Please come home, Kai. I can’t have you dying on me too.”
I look away, as if that could save me from this awkward intrusion of their conversation. Still, I hear the Enforcer’s earnest response. “I’ll be back. Death fears me, remember?” I can hear an inkling of that cocky bastard slipping into his voice when he says, “And when I return, we’ll celebrate with another dance between the three of us. So long as Paedyn doesn’t purposely step on my toes this time.”
“I have no recollection of that,” I state defensively. “It must have been subconscious.”
Kitt laughs, and the sound bleeds into his next words, all of them aimed at his brother. “Well, she kept trying to jump onto my back, remember?”
“And then blamed her failed attempts on the ‘constricting dress,’ ” Kai adds with a punch-worthy smile. “Trust me, I remember. The moment replays every time I close my eyes—”
“All right, that’s enough,” I huff. “Remember this conversation when I suddenly push you overboard.”
“Oh, you can try, Gray,” Kai mocks with a crooked grin. “But don’t blame your constrictive sleeves when you aren’t able to.”
Kitt’s laugh nearly drowns out my words. “That’s it. I’m getting on this damn boat.”
I step out onto the plank, forcing my gaze ahead and not on the raging water beneath me. The voices behind grow muffled by the lapping waves, but Kai’s stands out, even among the sea. “Take care of yourself while I’m gone. Get some rest. Promise me.”
