My aching heart thumped pathetically a few times in my chest. I might not be worthy of Erik, but I was pretty damn certain now that I was too good for Marcus. It made sense that I heard Erik’s voice as I came to that realization. He’d made me stronger, somehow.

  And entertaining Marcus’ delusions that I would welcome him back just because he’d decided he wanted to be able to show off ‘Erik Stevens’ ex’ as his boyfriend was a slap in Erik’s face. It was disrespectful to him and everything he’d showed me. That was something I wouldn’t tolerate.

  I crossed the room and pulled open the front door. “That’s great, Marcus, but I’m really not interested. Please go.”

  Marcus allowed his perfectly square jaw to drop open slightly in a rare moment of genuine emotion and he blinked rapidly, but otherwise he didn’t budge. “Now, honey, you don’t mean that.”

  “Oh, but I do.” Memories of icy eyes radiating with pride flooded my mind. I straightened my back and firmed my shoulders. “You spent our entire relationship making me work my ass off to keep you, and the moment you got a better offer, you bailed.” I held up a finger from my free hand. “But not before you made sure to let me know that I was just a stepping-stone to the big leagues for you.”

  That was enough to make the mask fall completely away and he curled his lip as he stalked my way. “Just wait, Kyle. He’s going to leave you too.” He paused in the doorway for a moment. “If you weren’t enough to keep me happy, you don’t have a chance in hell with an A-list celebrity.”

  I ground my molars together, not only from the accuracy of his words, but also from the frustration that he wouldn’t just leave. “Get out of my fucking house.”

  I managed, somehow, to keep my shit together until his flashy import sped down my driveway and was devoured by the clouds of dust his tires created.

  Then I slid down the wall, my tears falling in synchronization with the movement. Erik’s voice ricocheted through the muddled cavity of my mind.

  ‘I am so, so proud of you, baby.’

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Erik

  Unfamiliar and unwelcome nerves twisted my stomach into painful knots. I willed the hour-and-forty-five-minute flight to speed up. Every part of me—the heartbroken boyfriend and the concerned Dom—needed visual confirmation that Kyle was safe, at least physically.

  All the confusion at his abrupt departure from my life had been brought into agonizingly sharp clarity when the second interview on a promotional junket the following day presented me with the excruciating video of the paparazzi ambush. The horror and rage and helplessness swirled, scrambling my mind.

  If I’d thought my soul had been shattered by Kyle’s voicemail, it had been nothing compared to the exquisite pain filleting my heart open at the color draining from his face and the fear blatant in his eyes. It was damn near an attack as they’d crowded him, pushed him and screamed questions at him.

  About me.

  My sweet, introverted Kyle had been put in an impossible and terrifying position, all because of me. And he was too traumatized to even talk to me about it.

  Fuck.

  I was a fool to think I could keep him safe from the chaos attached to me—or to think that he wanted to add my insanity to his life. The fact that he’d had to deal with a surprise paparazzi ambush without my protection in place, without me by his side, was a failure of epic proportions on my end.

  I leaned my head on the back of the plane seat and closed my eyes. I had no idea if I was making the right move, but doing nothing was killing me and it had only been two days. He needed to know I still cared, just as much as I needed to see him with my own eyes.

  Even the tiny compact car I picked up on my arrival, the only thing the rental company had available at the last minute, didn’t fall anywhere on my radar. I was fully fixated on Kyle and my one and only chance to make this right.

  I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw his truck in the driveway. In the middle of the day he could very well be on a job site. Fate was on my side, at least enough to have him here.

  Something that sounded very much like a growl greeted my knock on his front door. He swung the door open with excessive force and a deep red tint to his face. “I told you to get the— Erik?”

  I swallowed and held my hands up, wishing for the first time ever that I had a script to guide me through. Ad-libbing something this important was terrifying. “I promise I’m not going to harass you or demand you change your mind.”

  He blinked rapidly with lids that looked suspiciously swollen. Concern rose within me, but I beat it down. I needed to respect his space, even if every instinct in me was screaming to pull my man into my arms and fix everything that was broken.

  A jerky nod was his only response but he didn’t move to let me through the door. I bit back a command for him to use his words. Not the time.

  “I saw what happened and I am so fucking sorry, baby.” I took a deep shuddering breath. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. It’s the insanity that is attached to me, the exact thing I wanted to protect you from. But I am so sorry that you were alone, that I wasn’t with you, that I didn’t—”

  My fucking irrational and ridiculous emotions clogged my throat. This wasn’t about me and I damn sure needed to get my shit under control.

  I cleared my throat and gave myself a two-second reprieve from his gorgeous face to strengthen my resolve before opening my eyes. “My life is overwhelming and chaotic. And it’s certainly not the fairy tale that most people think comes with celebrity status and the big paychecks. I can’t promise you that will never happen again. In fact, there is every chance it will.”

  His face paled and my heart fractured a little more at the sight. “What I can promise is that my love is bigger than the crazy. I will do my damnedest to keep all that away from you, but I will make sure I am close by if it ever happens again. As much as I want to, I can’t keep you in a gilded cage, safe from the chaos attached to me, but I promise you’ll never face it alone.”

  I balled my hands into fists to temper the itching of my palms as I begged to touch him. I needed to respect his space. I greedily devoured every inch of him, though, somewhat satiating my need to see for myself that he was okay. “I told you before that the bulk of the power actually rests with the sub and that is still true. I’m not here to command you to change your mind or demand you come back to me. That’s not how this works.”

  I shoved the folder at him that I had been gripping so tightly that I was certain it would leave a mark on my palm. “This is your ticket and the confirmation of the bungalow rental in Aruba. Think about this, about us and about…everything that has happened. If, after you’ve had some time, you truly believe you can handle my life, if you think we are worth the crazy you’d be subjected to, I’ll be there waiting for you, just like we planned.”

  Finally, the need was too overwhelming and I reached out to cup his face. The warmth of his skin against mine centered me in a way I didn’t know was possible. My world, that had been spinning out of control since I’d heard his voicemail, righted itself.

  “The decision is completely yours, Kyle. I want you more than anything and I love you more than I thought possible to love another human, but only you can decide what you can give up and what risks are worth taking. I signed up for this insanity. You didn’t.”

  With more strength than I knew I possessed, I dropped my hands from his cheeks and fled his property before I gave in to the plaintive cries of my body to kiss him and hold him.

  It had to be his choice.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Kyle

  For the second time that day, I watched as a car drove down the length of my driveway until I could no longer track the taillights.

  I fell onto the couch and stared out of the wall of windows displaying the stunning nature that surrounded my house. The sun dipped below the tree line as orange, red, pink and purple painted across the sky. It was picture perfect, but I could barely register its beauty.

  The folder in my hand burned my soul with its presence.

  Mine. The choice was completely and totally mine.

  ‘I will do my damnedest to keep all of that away from you, but I will make sure I am close by if it ever happens again. As much as I want to, I can’t keep you in a gilded cage, safe from the chaos attached to me, but I promise you’ll never face it alone.’

  The hollow, desolate cavity where my heart had once beat burned, hearing the words again in my mind. My breath stuttered to a halt and it was several moments before I managed to suck air back into my lungs again.

  I replayed everything Erik had said, certain I’d misheard. He couldn’t have…

  ‘What I can promise is that my love is bigger than the crazy.’

  Love?

  ‘I love you more than I thought possible to love another human.’

  Love.

  The word I had bitten back at least half a dozen times during our last two weeks together had slid from his lips several times in the span of a five-minute conversation and it had taken me until now, until he was gone, to finally register it? Dumbass.

  I tossed the folder on the couch and stood, crossing the room to step out onto the deck, in desperate need of the fresh air. I gripped the railing hard as I stared sightlessly at the view I loved for a moment before turning to drink in the familiar sight of my home. I mimicked the same pose Erik and I had adopted just a few days ago when we’d last been out here and I rested my backside on the thick beam.

  Erik had seen my home, set apart from the big city comforts he was accustomed to, and he’d not only tolerated it, but he’d also appreciated it. The first night he’d been here and we’d fallen asleep together, he didn’t finally pass out until he’d chronicled all of his favorite things about my house and the seclusion that I didn’t just embrace, but needed. Every time he’d left, he commented on how being away from everything refreshed and recharged him.

  I shouldn’t be a bit surprised becau,se Erik had managed to see me, too—not the much more outgoing teenager who thought he could rule the world, not the broken, introverted man Marcus had left behind, but me, all of me—the mingling of the best and worst parts.

  He’d not only seen every flaw and change, but he’d also managed to add a new dimension of my life that I hadn’t realized had been lying dormant—a part of me that was screaming out to be paid attention to again. The most complete I’d ever felt in my life was when I’d given Erik all my control, devotion and love, wrapped in the package of my submission.

  I pushed off the railing, slid the glass door open and crossed my living room in five large strides. My phone lay on the stand beside the couch and I snatched it up with one hand while I took the folder with the other.

  My first call was to the airline and the second to the resort. By the time I’d managed to use the modicum of charm and authority that I reserved for land negotiations to get both companies to agree to my changes—not to mention tips and fees I added to the totals from both places with several zeroes attached—darkness had blanketed the earth and the only light in my room was the small lamp beside the couch.

  Since Monday when I’d left Erik the voicemail, I hadn’t managed to spend a full night in my bed, always moving downstairs at some point during the night. Memories were tangled up in the baby blue sheets and they refused to allow me respite.

  Tonight I wasn’t even going to attempt it.

  I switched off the lamp and lay on my left side, tugging the blanket off the back of the couch to cover me. A small smile managed to surface, in spite of the anxiety clawing at me. I was certain I’d made the right choice.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Erik

  I dropped my bags at the front office of the resort without even going to see the private bungalow I’d rented for the next fourteen days—the very same bungalow I might never actually visit if Kyle didn’t show up. Paradise held no draw without the man I loved in my arms, experiencing it with me.

  Waiting two days to go to his house had nearly killed me. The entire time, I’d battled with myself about what the right path was. All the confidence I normally felt when I made decisions had evaporated. Kyle wasn’t merely my sub, who filled my play times, just as surely as he wasn’t simply my boyfriend, kept in a separate compartment of my life that only contained dinner parties, black tie affairs and mostly vanilla sex.

  No, he was a blending and melding of both parts, a magnificent creature that I had exactly zero clue how to handle. If he was only my boyfriend and the man I loved, I would fight tooth and nail to keep us together. If he was only my submissive? Well, I’d have to take a large step back and leave the decision in his hands, because commitment was not something to be commanded.

  I kicked off my brown leather sandals at the entrance to the private beach and dug my toes into the gritty sand, then began walking the length of the shoreline, allowing the waves to lap at my feet and ankles.

  My deepest hope was that the mixture of distance and my passionate declaration had been the right choice. I’d given him time to calm down from the event, even though I desperately had wanted to hold him through it rather than sit on my hands in Cali. Then I’d made it very clear that the final decision could only be his. But I’d made it just as clear where I stood.

  Because in my mind and my heart, he was still so fucking mine.

  I glanced down at the thick, black band circling my left wrist to check the time. His flight had been due to arrive about an hour after mine, and by the time he collected luggage and actually made it to the resort, at least another hour would be eaten up. My gaze stayed fixed on my feet as I continued my slow path along the beach—questions, worries and doubts racing through my mind.

  In about two hours, I’d know where we stood. It was both too soon and far, far too long.

  I caught a glimpse of a shadow in my peripheral vision but I didn’t bother to look up until it planted itself in front of me, halting my movement. I closed my eyes and counted to ten before I could bring myself to attempt a fake smile for whatever fan had managed to track me down on what was set to become either the best or the worst day of my life.

  “Hey, man, I’m sorry, but I don’t recognize you and you don’t have a tag on…” The full lips I’d spent far too long dreaming about quirked into a half-smile and he stuck his hand out. “Kyle Lincke. With a beard now and a construction business to match the stereotype.”

  Questions flooded my mind. How had he managed to get here before me? And what the hell was he playing at?

  Sliding my hand into his was the contact I’d missed, that I’d craved, but it wasn’t enough…not nearly enough. “Erik Stevens, former loser, current actor.”

  His smile turned into a full grin. “I think you forgot something there.”

  Please, please, please… “And what’s that?”

  He pulled his hand from mine and moved to grip my waist. “My boyfriend. My lover. My Dom. Basically, just…mine.”

  His last words were swallowed by my mouth as I devoured the man I loved right there on the beach, not giving a fuck who saw. I grasped the back of his neck to hold him in place, a part of me terrified he would disappear if I loosened my grip at all.

  “Can you forgive me?” He panted the words when a need for oxygen forced a break in the kiss that managed to put order back into my chaotic existence, the way he always did. “I should have talked to you, but I just panicked, and all I could see was that I wasn’t good enough or strong enough to deserve you.”

  I slid my hand from his neck to hold his face. “Yes, you should have talked to me, and there is nothing to forgive, because you made a mistake when your head wasn’t screwed on quite right, but…” I closed my eyes and dropped my forehead to meet his. “But you aren’t just good enough for me, baby. You are too good for me. You make my world sane and livable. You ground me.”

  Fear of the unknown clogged my throat but the need for confirmation, a need to hear him speak it out loud, overrode it. “Are you sure you want this? Me? My world is chaos and uncertainty and nearly a complete lack of privacy. I’ll do everything I can to shield you from it, but keeping you completely away from the media is impossible. Are you okay with that?”

  He pressed his body against mine more fully. “Marcus came to visit me.”

  The guarded tone to his voice was the only thing that kept me focused and composed when the jealous beast inside me was begging to be unleashed. He’d mentioned Marcus a couple of times—a couple too many. “Your ex?”

  He nodded and I called on every drop of acting experience to control my emotions and try to appear as unfazed as possible. Apparently it didn’t work when he laughed and rubbed his nose against mine.

  “Not gonna lie… Seeing you jealous is kind of hot, but trust me. It wasn’t like that.” His deep brown eyes twinkled, radiating a love that just a few hours ago I worried I wouldn’t have. “For the first time, I could see through him and knew that I’m more than the ‘stepping-stone’ he thought of me as.”

  I’d had every intention of letting him tell the entire story, but that was far too much for me to resist. “You aren’t a stepping-stone, baby. You are the grand fucking prize.”

  His smile softened. “The only reason I was strong enough to kick him out on his ass was because I heard your voice in my head. All the things you told me, the way you looked at me when you were proud of me… All of it came back. I realized that not only did I not need Marcus in my life or to believe any of the bullshit things he said”—he trailed his fingers from my face to grip the back of my neck—“but I could also deal with all of the insanity surrounding you. I’m not saying I’ll be comfortable with it, but I can cope.”

  How Kyle could ever think for one moment that he wasn’t strong and amazing and… “Fuck, baby, I’m so proud of you.”

  A delicious red stained his cheeks and my highly inappropriate brain flashed an image of more southern cheeks reddened by my hand. My designer shorts quickly became uncomfortably tight. One final concern needed to be addressed because I refused to allow Kyle to deal with any issues without my help. “I need you to be honest with me about something. How much did it cost to change your flight?”

 

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