West of wawa, p.28
West of Wawa, page 28
She poked around the cluttered desk for a bill, trying to find an address, and she found a letter with the address on the envelope. She wondered if she should call a cab and leave. But where would she go? And besides, there was no phone. Sheldon only seemed to have his cell phone. She told herself it was only two more nights and two more days and then she would go to the café with him and wait the nine hours for the bus to leave.
She was dog-tired but viciously awake. She decided she had to do whatever it took to sleep and she reached into her backpack and got out her meds and was sound asleep in no time.
She woke to find Sheldon staring at her sourly. “What drugs are you on?” he asked. “It’s like close to 10:00 a.m. I thought we were going driving. I thought we had a date.”
Benny sat up, groggy. “I’m so sorry,” she began to explain but he left the bedroom and went to his La-Z-Boy where he flicked on a noisy porn channel, his golden face sullen.
Benny sighed and got up. She used the washroom and wondered what she was going to do with herself for the day.
“Where’s the main town from here?” she asked, and he ignored her. Great.
“And another thing,” he said, turning to her while a bunch of people were doing it all kinds of ways onscreen with the volume blaring, “you lied.”
“What?” Benny asked, feeling cold with fear. “What did you say?”
’SHROOMS, COKE AND HASH
“I beg your pardon?” she asked him again but he had gone silent and was focused on a woman with big yellow hair who was sucking hard on an enormous penis. Benny went back to the bedroom and sat down, feeling isolated and trapped.
Sheldon gave a loud sigh and got up. He turned off the TV and unbuttoned his shirt, revealing a torso of Celtic tattoos and a colourful sleeve of snakes and roses. He turned and lumbered out the room and she saw a gigantic crucifix running down his spine and across his shoulder blades. An intricate Jesus was carefully inked, his face sad, head hanging down. The words et tu were in big letters across the back of Sheldon’s neck, written above Jesus’ head.
He came back into the room, pulling on a T-shirt. “Well, I gotta go out anyways now. Come if you want,” he said.
Benny figured anything was better than being left alone in his dingy apartment. He rolled a joint in the truck and they drove through streets lined with gray buildings. Sheldon was sullen, silent. He drove for about half an hour and then turned into the driveway of a rundown house. Benny looked around at the long line of row houses and silently followed him up rickety wooden stairs to a brick porch with a sagging old sofa. A tired old dog with a milky eye and a white muzzle raised his head, and then went back to sleep.
Sheldon rapped on the door and waited. A tall man with a thick black handlebar moustache opened it and greeted Sheldon.
“This her?” he asked and Sheldon nodded. The man turned and led them through the narrow hall that stank of cat pee and damp walls. They walked into a kitchen where a woman was feeding a baby in a high chair. The kitchen smelled of sour milk, burnt soup and fatty fried meat. Benny tried to breathe through her mouth.
Sheldon pulled up a chair at the messy table and sat down. Benny, uncertain, followed suit. The woman greeted Sheldon and ignored Benny. The man sat down and held his hand out to Sheldon who reached into his pocket while holding out his other hand. They did an exchange, with Sheldon taking a wad of small bills from the man.
The man grinned. “Party time,” he said and he got Sheldon a beer, offering one to Benny who accepted, not knowing what else to do. The man rolled a large joint and offered it around. Benny took a cautious hit and tried not to inhale too deeply, thinking she needed to keep her wits about her.
“What else you got?” the man asked Sheldon who laughed.
“I got mushrooms. You interested?”
“Hell, yes,” the man said.
“And me,” the woman said. “I’m gonna put this baby to bed. Don’t start without me.”
“Too late, Angie baby,” Sheldon said, swallowing the mushrooms theatrically. He offered some to Benny who shook her head. Sheldon laughed.
The woman came back and sat on Sheldon’s lap. He put more mushrooms in his mouth and fed them to her with a kiss.
“You want me to give you some of that?” the man asked Benny.
“I don’t even know your name,” she said to him.
“You can call me Jack,” the man said generously.
Sheldon laughed. “His name is Richard,” he said, “Ree-shard, like the French say. Because he’s French, man.”
The woman was still sitting on Sheldon’s lap, facing him, with her arms around his neck and Benny saw an ornate scrolled tattoo that covered her lower back.
“Let’s go watch some TV,” Richard said and they filed into the living room where the thick dirty green curtains were closed against the sunlight, and the floor was covered with baby toys, a large playpen in the centre. Richard kicked it to one side and hunted for the remote control. Benny was afraid she was going to be subjected to more porn but Richard flicked on The Hangover instead. Benny felt her shoulders relax. Next to her, Sheldon ran a finger up her leg.
“Worried, were you?” he laughed and his green eyes shone like a wild cat.
“Shut up and watch,” Richard said.
“Like you haven’t seen this a hundred times,” Angie said, and he swatted her.
They watched the movie for about half an hour. “We need more drugs to enjoy this better,” Richard said. “Come on, Sheldon, share, man, you know it’s rude to hold out on your buddies.”
“What we need is some coke,” Angie said, sitting upright. “That’s what we need.”
“Sweetheart,” Sheldon said patiently, “you don’t have any money for coke.”
Angie looked like a kid denied Santa.
Sheldon got up. “You owe me,” he said, pointing a thick stubby finger at Richard. “Come on Benny, we’re going for a drive to get Angie her candy.”
“I want to come too,” Angie said, but Sheldon shoved her down on the sofa.
“No way José,” he said. “You went mental last time. You wait here.”
They left, with Angie’s complaining voice trailing out behind them.
“They’re not good people,” Sheldon said. “You see how they take care of that baby? I would never do drugs in a house with a baby. And that Angie, she’s psycho, man.”
Benny thought of reminding him that not only had he done drugs with them, he’d supplied them. But she kept quiet.
“So, what you want to do now?” he asked her.
She was startled. “I thought we were going to buy stuff for Angie?”
He laughed. “No way. She’s got no money. That was just an excuse to get us out of that house. Did you see how dirty it was? So, what do you want to do?”
“What’s the time?” Benny asked. It was only midday.
Sheldon suddenly swung the car around, and headed back in the direction they had come.
“I’ve made an executive decision to give myself a good time,” he announced. “Angie’s right, some cocaine’s exactly what I need now. We’ll go visit this guy I know, then we’ll do whatever you like.”
Benny’s heart sank. “Okay,” she said, wondering how on earth she was going to extricate herself from this mess, thinking at least Sheldon had a good capacity for chemicals – either that or he was used to driving wasted.
Sheldon drove them down a new series of unremarkable gray streets and pulled up at a ramshackle detached house with boarded up windows and a porch heaped high with junk. The house was right next to a grimy strip mall and Benny figured it would be a good excuse for her to not go into the house.
“I need to go in there,” she pointed to convenience store, “but how long will you be?” She also didn’t want to let Sheldon out of her sight in case he went back to the apartment without her.
Sheldon was irritated. “I dunno. Not long. It’s not like I’m going to stay here long, I’m just going to hook up, that’s all. Okay, well, go and do your girly shopping but be back in twenty minutes, okay?”
Benny looked at her watch and nodded. She had no real intention of leaving the truck. She strolled off in the direction of the store, watching Sheldon knock on the door and go inside. Then she stopped and sat down outside, making sure she was out of sight but could see the front door.
“Oh my word,” she said out loud, “oh dear heavens, what have I done? I thought Mickey was hardcore but this – this is ugly. How on earth did I end up here? And how on earth am I going to get out of this? He’s a pig, an utter pig.”
She kept an eye on the front door, her arms around her knees, which were drawn up to her chest. Finally, well over an hour later, Sheldon emerged, swaying against the doorframe. He staggered to the truck. She didn’t want to get in and drive with him but she didn’t know what else to do.
“A bit fucked up,” he slurred. “Let’s go home, ’kay?”
She got in and buckled her seatbelt.
Sheldon drove slowly, his hands gripping the steering wheel. He was careful not to go over the speed limit and they made it home, with Benny never happier to arrive at a destination.
They went inside and Sheldon flopped down into his chair and flicked on the TV.
“I’m going to the shops,” Benny said and she turned to leave. “You want anything?” She figured he would have left for work by the time she got back.
“Nah,” he slurred. “Wait, yes, get me some Chinese food, anything I don’t care. Go to the guy on the corner okay? Tell him to take care of his buddy, Sheldon, give me the works.”
He dug in his pocket and pulled out some money.
“I thought you ate at work,” Benny said, unwilling to have to face an entire night with him.
“Nah, got a couple of days off,” he said, “I was way overdue. Get me some pop too, not the diet crap either. Two litres of Coke, okay?”
“Okay,” Benny said and she left, closing the door quietly behind her.
She looked at her watch. It was only early afternoon. She still had to get through the night and do the following day, and then wait for the bus in the café. She sighed. What a mess.
She got the takeout and his Coke and she made note of a cab’s telephone number on the wall of the takeout place.
She walked slowly back to the apartment, hoping he’d passed out. But he was awake, smoking a joint and lying back on his La-Z-Boy. If anything, he seemed more alert than when she’d left. She handed him his food and the change from his money.
“You didn’t get any for you,” he sounded hurt. “You were supposed to get some for you too.”
“Not hungry,” Benny said, and it was true. She sat down on the floor.
“No, wait,” he said and he got off the chair. “You sit on the chair. Must be a gentleman. No, wait, I’ve got a better idea.”
He pushed the chair into the kitchenette and dragged the mattress in from the bedroom, shoving it in front of the TV. He lay down and propped himself up on one elbow attacking his food with gusto.
“Come on, let’s watch a movie,” he said.
“I’m not watching any porn,” Benny said.
“We can watch anything you like,” he said. “Come on, come here. Lie down next to me.”
They started on Sheldon’s Bruce Willis collection, and Benny smoked too much of Sheldon’s strong raw hash. She vaguely recalled him handing her a couple of pills.
“Here,” he said. “You’ll like these.”
Benny stared at the pills. She was slumped down. “What are they?”
“Percs,” Sheldon said. “Like the codeine you’re so in love with, only way much better.”
Benny shrugged and swallowed the pills with Sheldon’s leftover Coke.
A MAN WITHOUT HIS WORD…
She woke to find Sheldon grinning at her. “Wakey, wakey, sleeping beauty. It’s nearly 2:00 p.m. I was beginning to think I’d be needing to take you to emerg, passing out on me like that.”
Benny eased herself up. She felt cocooned in a marshmallow of foggy obliqueness. She unstuck her tongue from her mouth with difficulty.
“What happened?” she asked thickly.
Sheldon shrugged. “We watched some movies, took some drugs. You don’t remember?”
She shook her head. “I’m so thirsty,” she said and Sheldon grinned his gummy little smile.
“I take good care of you, I told you.” He opened a plastic bag and handed her a can of diet Seven-Up. She grabbed it from his hand and downed it in one mouthful.
“Ow,” she said. “My head hurts. In fact, all of me hurts.”
“I got you some Chinese noodles,” Sheldon said.
“Oh, I’m so not hungry,” Benny replied, wondering why she felt so bruised and sore. Even her ribs felt crushed.
“Suit yourself,” he shrugged and opened up a bag of food. “So, tell me,” he said, conversationally, grease on his chin, his back against the wall, “are you enjoying yourself, Bertha Gertrude?” He said her name slowly with relish, watching her expression.
She sat up in shock. “Have you been going through my things?”
He shrugged. “You’re in my house. And by the way, that’s not the only lie you told. First off, there’s no Benny, there is only Bertha Gertrude, who is you.” He pointed a chopstick in her direction. “And what’s more, you are not twenty-five, you are TWENTY-NINE!” He shouted the last two words.
She was frightened. “So what?” she asked. “So what if I call myself by a name I prefer and so what if I lie about my age a bit? What’s the harm?”
“The harm, Bertha Gertrude, is that you lied. A man without his word is nothing. Haven’t you heard that? Don’t you know? You lied to me. I opened my home to you and you lied to me. Liar. Liar.”
Benny sighed. “I don’t like my name,” she said, “I don’t like my age. I can do whatever I want.” Her head was throbbing badly and she couldn’t understand why her ribs hurt.
“Nope,” he said. “You can’t. You must tell the truth. You must tell me the truth.”
“Why? I don’t owe you anything?” She felt as if she was talking to a madman.
He got up, pushed his food aside and lit a joint. “Bertha Gertrude, you twenty-nine-year-old lying bitch. Yes, you heard me. Why are you so ashamed of who you are?” he asked. “Why?”
Benny rubbed her neck, which also seemed sore and tender. “I never wanted the life I was born to, okay? And no one says I had to, either. Not you, not anyone. It’s my life and I can make of it anything I want to. So I made Benny out of Bertha Gertrude – I made me.”
“Well, I beg to differ,” he said. “And don’t think I don’t get it, I’m not stupid. You’re not the perfect princess you wanted to be. I bet your parents don’t have money; they’re not up to your standard either. You choose to let that shit matter. Success, what’s success? Success is being who you are. Being true to yourself.”
“As if you do that,” she blurted out. “You sold drugs to those people, and you took drugs with them, with that baby in the house, then you said they were wrong, so you lied about what you did.”
“No, I did not. It’s not my baby. It’s not my house. They’re fucked up. I just am who I am.”
She realized there was nothing left to say.
“Anyways,” Sheldon said, looking crafty, “you think you’re in control but you’re not. You think you remember everything that you say and do, but you don’t.”
Benny was baffled. “What on earth are you going on about now?”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Last night,” he said. “Tell me what you remember ’bout last night.”
Benny thought. “You know I don’t remember,” she said. “I already told you. Why are you being so difficult?”
“Just tell me what you remember,” he spoke slowly, as though she were an idiot child.
“We watched movies and smoked hash. There, are you happy?”
“Yeah, we did that. And then?”
“And then nothing. What’s with you? I’ve had enough of your stupid games.” She got up to go. “I’m going to read and leave you to bond with your computer like I know you like to do. A couple of wankers, the both of you.”
He looked at her through a thick haze of smoke. “You enjoyed last night,” he said slowly and she stopped, her back to him. “You enjoyed every minute. You were making all the right noises, and now you tell me you don’t even remember?”
Benny felt sick. A man without his word is nothing. She turned back to him. “Are you telling me we had sex last night? We didn’t. I would remember that, I would know that.”
“You think so? Let me tell you something, Miss I-don’t-really-take-drugs – you were right out of it.”
“So you like making love to a corpse then. That’s your idea of fun then?” Benny was shocked, sickened, cold.
“Oh, you were moaning all right. You enjoyed it from what I could tell. How was I to know you wouldn’t remember?”
“What specifically and exactly did we do? And I’d like to know it all okay?”
He told her.
She stared at him for what felt like a long time. Then she grabbed her smokes. “I’m going out,” she said and he shrugged.
“Not my fault if you can’t handle your drugs,” he said. “I’m only telling you to be helpful. You lie to yourself all the time. I’m only trying to help.”
