The chaperone, p.27
The Chaperone, page 27
Inside, I’m all alone at the end of bleachers that rise twenty feet in front of me. I tiptoe toward the gym. Girls stream into the middle of the floor from the locker room in the opposite corner, waiting for Gynecological Fitness to start. They’re too busy talking to notice me. I move back until I’m out of sight, making sure no one sees me. I duck under the bleachers and wait. I have no idea if he’ll show.
But I had to try.
* * *
Class starts, and Mateo still isn’t here. Mr. Tidmore gives the girls the same instructions he gave my class last period: Drop to the floor and start stretching.
The door across from the bleachers opens slowly, Mateo’s eyes peering through the crack.
He made it.
I put a finger to my mouth and wave him forward as I step backward under the bleachers. He follows me, the two of us disappearing into the shadows like explorers crossing into another dimension.
The bright gym lights bleed between the wood slats overhead, painting the dark space with narrow stripes.
I stop when I reach the middle of the bleachers, but Mateo doesn’t pause until he’s so close to me we’d be touching if he got any closer. We’re only six inches apart. I could put my finger on his lips. I want to put my fingers on his lips.
He leans down and whispers in my ear. “I can’t believe you.” He shakes his head the tiniest bit. “I can’t believe we’re really here. Alone.”
Our eyes meet. “We only have two days until graduation,” I whisper back. “I don’t know when I’ll see you after that.”
His mouth drops into a frown. “No, Stella.” His voice is filled with desperation. “Don’t say that.”
I’ve already told him my plans. He knows where I’m going. And I don’t want to talk about the future right now. I want to make the most of what little time we have left.
I raise my right hand and gently put it in the center of his chest. “Shhh,” I say, lifting my face to his again. I feel his heart thumping under his shirt. Have I ever felt the beat of another person’s heart?
“Is this for real?” I say out loud.
“Oh, it’s real.”
We’re alone.
Really alone.
But we don’t have long.
Mateo puts both hands on my hips and pulls me to him in one slow, careful motion. He smells like a cross between clean laundry and fresh-cut cedar. We’re touching from our knees to our shoulders. Heat floods my body. I move closer, letting myself feel every part of him. The last time we were this close was homecoming. Six full months ago. And we weren’t alone. We were in the middle of a packed dance floor with chaperones in every corner.
This is different.
This is so much more.
He leans toward me again. His mouth brushes my ear, and a wave of euphoria passes through me. “You’re the bravest person I know, Stella Graham.”
As he pulls back to look into my eyes, his stubble brushes my cheek, scratching and thrilling me at the same time.
My eyes meet his, and we lock on each other. I can feel his body responding at the same time as mine. His muscles tense, his grip tightens.
We lean closer.
And closer.
So close I can’t see him anymore.
I feel the warmth of his skin radiating against mine. I turn my face to his, and he turns his to mine.
We move closer…closer…until finally…his lips touch mine.
Finally.
* * *
We don’t stay long.
It’s too risky.
After a few minutes, his mouth pulls away from mine. Losing contact is physically painful. My body aches to touch him again.
“We need to go,” he whispers, his mouth so close I feel his breath on my face. “Before they come looking for us.”
I nod even though there’s nothing I want less.
He looks over his shoulder before letting his gaze fall back on me. When our eyes meet, my whole body floods with emotion. I’ve never felt anything like this before. He picks up my hand and kisses it without taking his eyes off me. I’m dizzy with joy.
“I’ll never forget this, Stella. Never.”
I wish more than anything we could stay in this moment forever, that we could forget everything and just be together.
But this is not the path I’ve chosen.
This is not why I came back. No matter how tempting it sounds right now. It’s like that song he gave me. When a woman learns to walk / she’s not dependent anymore.
He kisses my hand one more time and then abruptly drops it, turning away from me, away from us. I watch him slowly make his way out from under the bleachers.
It’s over so fast it’s almost like he was never here.
CHAPTER 107
On Sunday, the doorbell rings while everyone else is still at church. I’ve gotten permission to stay home and practice wearing the new heels Mom gave me for graduation.
Mom told me to expect flowers, but when I open the front door, it’s not a delivery person I see, but Joseph Clarke standing on our front step with a dozen red roses cradled in his arms like a baby. Why is he here?
I don’t hide the skepticism in my voice. “What are you doing here, Joseph?”
“I wanted to surprise you.”
He’s a terrible liar. He wouldn’t be here without Dad’s permission. The two of them must have planned this.
“You shouldn’t be here, Joseph. It’s against the rules.”
“Not after tomorrow.” Technically he’s right. Tomorrow, I graduate from high school, and everything changes. Sister Meredith moves out. I’ll be allowed in public without a chaperone. Though it’s still highly unusual for an unmarried woman to be alone with a man. Nor is it safe.
“We shouldn’t be alone.”
“Isn’t your guardian here?”
I look over my shoulder in the direction of the annex. I think Sister Meredith is in her room. But that’s at the other end of the house. Upstairs. Didn’t she hear the doorbell ring? “I guess.”
“So we’re not breaking any rules, are we?”
He knows this isn’t true. He knows we’re not supposed to be alone together. We shouldn’t even be talking.
“And your father gave me his blessing.”
What is he talking about? His blessing for what? My eyes go to Joseph’s hand, praying he’s not holding the turquoise ring box, but there’s nothing there besides his chubby fingers. “His blessing?”
“To be here with you. Alone. He said we’re practically engaged anyway.”
It hasn’t been cold since the week I returned, but a shiver travels down my back.
He puts the roses on the pedestal table in the foyer and looks right into my eyes, a violation of its own. “And don’t forget what you promised me.”
I know immediately what he means. The last time he was at Visitation. When he said, I’d have to do more than spend time with him.
I have to distract him from what he really wants. “Do you want to come in?”
He nods rather than answer with words, more Neanderthal than human.
I’d hoped Sister Meredith would’ve shown up by now, but the foyer is dead quiet, the living room furniture empty, the dining chairs pushed under the table. It’s as if the entire floor has been evacuated. Normally Joseph and I sit in the living room, but it’s possible Joseph will sit next to me there. The dining room is safer.
“Would you like some tea?” I ask over my shoulder as I move in that direction.
I’m not even out of the foyer when he grabs my arm, yanking me back to him like a yo-yo. Before I know what’s happening, he’s pulled my body to his, clutching me so tight I can’t breathe.
“I don’t want any goddamned tea,” he hisses down at me.
I’m too stunned to react.
I stare into his tiny eyes. All I see there is violence.
“You’re hurting me, Joseph.”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass.”
This means all the rules—all the things they teach us—are just for show. When he’s alone, he’ll do whatever he wants. Curse. Grope me. Hurt me. I see how wrong I was to assume he was harmless.
Where is Sister Meredith?
Of course, when I really do need a chaperone, no one is around. The truth is, they don’t want to protect me from someone like Joseph. A constable. A Minuteman. They only want to protect me from myself.
Joseph hisses again. “You promised me something, and you’re going to give it to me.”
I pretend I don’t notice the vitriol in his voice, that I’m still in control, even though my heart is pounding so hard I’m sure he can feel it through our clothes. “I said we could spend time together. You know that anything else—even what you’re doing right now—is against the rules.”
“Like you care about the rules. You’re the one who left.”
My heart pounds even harder. I didn’t know Joseph felt this way. I didn’t know he didn’t believe my story that it was Sister Helen who led me astray. I tell myself to go back to my training. “I was tricked, Joseph. That’s not what I wanted.”
“You’re full of shit.” He squeezes me harder. “I want what you gave him.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I know what you did. I know you went under the bleachers together.”
The bleachers. Did someone see us? Another constable? One of the Climbers?
My only option is to lie. “I don’t know what you think you saw, Joseph, but nothing happened.”
“Bullshit.” He squeezes me even harder. That’s when I feel his erection pushing against my thigh.
I twist from side to side. “Let me go.”
His grip is too tight. I can’t get away. I wriggle my hands free and push against his chest as hard as I can, but he doesn’t move an inch. I have to do something. I have to stop him. I can’t beat him physically, so I have to outsmart him. And I need to do it in a way no one can question.
Abstain from sin.
I give up fighting and look into his face. “If you don’t let me go, I’ll scream.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
Whatever you do, don’t hesitate.
I stare into his eyes and scream at the top of my lungs. He tries to put his hand over my mouth, but I squirm out of his grasp.
“Stop it!” Now he’s yelling too.
But I don’t care. I want to be heard. I want Sister Meredith to come running. She must have heard us by now. I scream as loudly as I can one more time, and then I stop.
I don’t try to get away. I just listen. And, finally, I hear it. The sound of a door flying open.
That’s when I play my part: “I renounce you, Joseph. I renounce sin in all its forms.”
“What’s going on?” a voice calls from the back door. But it’s not Sister Meredith. It’s Dad. They’re home from church early.
Joseph shakes his head at me in disgust. “You fucking bitch.” He shoves me away, sending me crashing to the floor.
Dad steps into the dining room. Did he see what happened?
“What’s going on here?” His eyes land on Joseph before moving to me. “Stella!” He lunges across the room. “Stella, are you okay?”
“She tripped, sir.” The vitriol has been erased from Joseph’s voice. He’s a better actor than I gave him credit for. “She was going to get us some tea, and she tripped.”
Dad drops to the ground next to me. It’s like Sister Helen’s death all over again. Dad kneeling beside me. That was the last time he tried to reach out to me. The last time he showed me physical affection.
Joseph’s voice cuts through the air. “Don’t touch her, sir. Don’t give into temptation.”
He’s only a few inches away, but Dad stops himself, shifting his attention to Joseph.
“It’s against the rules, sir. I’d have to arrest you.”
Mom appears behind him. “Mitchell?”
Dad turns to her.
“Mitchell, let me do it.”
Mom rushes across the room and falls to her knees on my other side. She pulls me into her arms. I can’t remember the last time she held me. Dad watches us for a long moment before getting to his feet and stepping in Joseph’s direction, making up the distance between them in no time. Is he angry or relieved?
Joseph throws the DANGER method back in my face. “It’s those high-heeled shoes she’s wearing, sir. They’re totally inappropriate.”
“Why didn’t you help her?”
“You know I can’t do that, sir.” Joseph steals a look at me. “I would never lay a hand on Stella.” The tiniest spark appears in his eyes. This is funny to him. It’s all a big joke. He’ll do what he wants in private and play his part when other people are around. But he doesn’t believe any of it. I could call him on it. I could tell Dad what really happened, but what good would it do? Women are never believed. A man’s word is always taken over that of a woman. I say nothing and wait to see if Dad will ask more questions. Joseph goes on. “Unless we were married, of course.”
“Of course.” Dad puts a hand across his mouth.
Does he really believe what Joseph is saying?
Finally Dad turns back to me. “Is that what happened, Stella?”
I probe Joseph’s eyes. There’s nothing but fury there. If he wanted, he could have me arrested for dressing provocatively. He could have my name smeared even more. Or he could make things difficult for Mateo. For any of us.
I have to let it go.
“Yes, Dad, that’s exactly what happened.”
CHAPTER 108
Our house is aflutter on graduation morning. There are cleaning people and caterers and florists. Mom wants everything to be perfect. Vases full of gasp-worthy tulips rest on every surface while giant trays of imported lobster and shrimp, expensive cheeses and meats, and disgusting foie gras are lined up on the dining room table. It’s all for me, but I feel removed from it, as if this celebration is happening for someone else. I told Mom I didn’t want a party, but when she insisted, I let it go. It’s the least I can do for her since there will be no wedding.
I’ve chosen a white silk dress that doesn’t have a single sequin on it, hoping Willow would be impressed. There’s a slit up the front and a scoop in back. I’m no longer interested in subtlety.
Sister Meredith is packing her things in the annex. Dad moved Shea back to her room after Sister Laura was arrested. Once I’m dressed, I go to the annex to say goodbye. Sister Meredith has only been here a few weeks. I barely know her. I’m standing in the door a full minute before she sees me. She’s not as observant as she should be. When she finally notices me, she frowns.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her.
“You look so grown up.”
“I am grown up.”
“I know.” She nods as she places another folded caftan into her suitcase. “Sometimes you seem years older than your age.” She smiles at me. “No surprise after all you’ve been through.”
“You’ve been through a lot too. The conservatory, the work. It can’t be easy.”
Sister Meredith picks up a ceramic mug from the dresser, the one she’s carried with her from room to room ever since she moved in. Her security blanket. “You’re very sweet, Stella. Your parents did a good job with you.”
I want to say it was Sister Helen who did a good job. And Sister Laura. But from the minute I met Sister Meredith, I wasn’t sure I couldn’t trust her. She’s more shadow than confidante.
“A chaperone can teach you lots of things, Stella,” Sister Meredith adds as if she can read my mind. “But your parents get the credit for teaching you how to love. I know your mom is especially good at that.”
For the first time since I got back, regret swells inside me. It’s not just Sister Meredith who’s leaving. I’m leaving too. I’ll move into the conservatory in less than a week. In some ways it was easier when I escaped because, back then, I had no idea how Mom really felt. But now that I know she never wanted this kind of life for me, I can see she’s always looked out for me. Even when I thought she was just going along with Dad, she was protecting me.
I wipe away the tears forming in my eyes as Sister Meredith says, “Your mother will never forgive you if you ruin your makeup, Stella.”
“Do you think I care?”
“No, but she does. And it’s nice for a daughter to do things for her mother sometimes. Especially when she’s about to lose you again.”
CHAPTER 109
The auditorium is sweltering.
Beads of sweat appear on my forehead before I get to my seat. The boys are spread out in front, the girls packed in back. We sit so close our arms touch. When we process to the front, I wave at Mom, who’s sitting in the front row of the balcony next to Dad like they’re royalty. In Bull Run, they are. By the time it’s my turn to walk across the stage, there’s sweat under my arms, across my chest, between my legs. All this for a ritual that’s nothing more than performance. A diploma that might as well be meaningless.
After the ceremony, so many guests and servants crowd our house I have to turn sideways to make my way into the kitchen. This, even though my real friends weren’t invited. Dad insists they’re a bad influence. Mom gives orders in the kitchen. She’s dared to wear her racy Manolo Blahniks. Maybe her vintage wardrobe is a nod to the past, a silent rebellion. She certainly doesn’t look like other mothers.
I try to get by without detection, but she catches me staring. Her mom radar is on.
“Stella, what are you doing in here?” She walks around the island until she’s in front of me, putting her hands on her hips. “You need to talk to the guests. You’re the one they’re here to see.” She doesn’t literally push me out of the kitchen, but she might as well.
Back in the dining room, someone touches my arm. One of my many relatives, Aunt Rachel, has a crease in her forehead so deep it looks like it’s been there since she was born.
“Stella, dear, I can’t believe how grown up you are. Let me get a look at you.” She grabs my hands and holds them out at my side like I’m a doll. “You are such a beautiful girl. And what a figure.” She spins me around ballerina-style. “What I wouldn’t give for that little behind.”
